A Birthday Prayer

"Dear God,

Thank you for allowing me to make it to 31, when I know that many don't. Please let this be the year that everything falls into place for me, and I can be happy and stop complaining about things I should be grateful for. Please help me find the person I am meant to be happy with, the job I will be content doing, and make enough money to help my mum more and be comfortable.

Please help me to be patient with the things I want in life, and just enjoy life more.

Through your son Jesus Christ.

Amen."

I'm well in my thirties now...

Whatever Could Be Won't Be

Dear Anyone,

I went on a date with Muscle last night, and it was a really nice evening. You're probably wondering how that came about, since I haven't really mentioned him recently, but we've been in contact a lot recently and we agreed to go out at some point before I travel on Christmas day. And because he knows a lot more places than I do, I left it to him to decide where to go.

When I spoke to him during the day he told me that his Plan A fell through, so he's working on Plan B which might be the theatre. All good with me! Then a couple of hours later when we spoke again, we arranged to meet in north London at 7pm. I was about four minutes late, he was about 40 minutes late. Tut tut *shakes head*. He looked hot though!! Black shirt, black trousers, black and white tie, black waistcoat, and a long black coat, it more than made up for my waiting, I tell ya. I felt underdressed! Unfortunately his plans for the theatre also didn't work out, so we did the classic dinner and a movie date. I've never done that before, so it was really nice. We ate at a Mexican restaurant, but because I had just come from a birthday lunch I wasn't able to eat much, so I only had a starter. We also has a jug of a really nice cocktail called 'Mexican Mai Tai' which I picked at random. The choice was so vast, so Muscle told me to pick a number between 1-45 (and I chose 25, one of my favourite numbers - I don't know why), and it was a good choice.

After eating we planned on finding a bar, but when we walked past the cinema we made an impromptu decision to see a film instead. We chose 'The Day The Earth Stood Still' - not at all my kind of movie, but please, a couple of hours in the dark with Muscle and you think you'll hear me complaining?? No sirree Bob. He's a very physically affectionate guy, and that's how we were throughout the film. It was nice. The film was a bit longer than we thought, so it was quite late when we came out of the cinema, and as a result by the time we got to Kings Cross, I'd missed my last tube home. But no problem - we live in London and you can get home from almost anywhere, so Muscle escorted me to the bus stop where I could catch a bus straight to Victoria. Because the bus came so quickly, there was only a departing hug and nothing more... well I was hoping that was why anyway...


I took a taxi home from Victoria, partly because I was tired and other part was because I was tired. The driver was really friendly and he asked where I was coming from, so I told him I had a date, and when I mentioned that I wasn't sure where it was going, we got into a conversation about how complex creatures men are, and nothing is really straight-forward for them. So with that in mind, when Muscle text me to ask if I was home yet, I replied and then asked him whether what he'd told me earlier in the year still stands, e.g, whether I should stop myself from liking him because it's going nowhere, or whether we are going to try this dating thing and see where it goes. I prayed SO hard while I was waiting for his response. But when it came and I read it, a small part of me was not in the least bit surprised, and a large chunk of me was extremely disheartened. He said that he is more or less in the same place as before, but he 'craves me physically' and is enjoying my company. Basically he is attracted to me, but only really wants to have sex with me. What a bloody surprise.


Today I'm feeling quite.........shit, really. I feel like nothing is going right for me. Part of it is to do with Bravo The Fraud and the MTV job, but obviously most of it is to do with Muscle. It's not right to go for someone who doesn't tick your boxes, and yet when you do find that person, they still don't want you. Why am I considered such a cool, down-to-earth chick, but not good enough to be a girlfriend? Why is it just the physical guys see? How come other people can just wake up, trip on their slippers and just fall into a relationship, while I try and try and get nowhere. I'm so sick of it all. I might as well put up with Undeserving Tod, who I haven't seen for over a month, and not spoken to for over a week. I actually burst into tears when I was in my room earlier, and I don't know where it even came from. I'm just fed up of being unhappy, and I feel like when I try to help myself I end up back at square one. What am I supposed to do???! Positive thinking and visualising the things you want is all bullshit. You're just setting yourself up for a fall. Well I know I am. But I'm not going to go into it, because you've heard it all from me before. Maybe it's a good thing I'm travelling on Thursday, but then again it won't make a blind bit of difference, because I'm still coming back to nothing.

My Wish List

Dear Anyone,

Just in case you are absolutely dumbfounded as to what to get me for my birthday, which is in 12 days time by the way, let me be of assistance to you:

A black coat - if you're feeling flush and extremely generous

Michael Jackson's HIStory album on CD - I only have it on cassette (yeah I'm old school - what??)

A navel ring - I've just celebrated eight years of the most rebellious thing I've ever done, but the one I'm currently wearing is falling apart. I think it serves me right for getting them from Argos every time.

Thin hair straighteners - they don't have to be GHDs, but small enough to catch the back mid-section of my hair, since you know it's short, and this weekend I plan on making it shorter (hopefully)

Going out top - size 16 so The Twins can fit in snugly (I'm seriously lacking in nice tops to wear with jeans)

And last, but certainly not least (just almost impossible):

A sexy, good looking, intelligent, funny, romantic, generous, hard-bodied man, between the ages of 31-34 preferably, with no kids, living in London - I know one who practically fits that description, but in case it doesn't go my way, a back-up will do nicely.

Of course anything I receive will be 100% fully appreciated. Consider me a blank slate, I hardly have anything.

Thank you in advance for your generosity.*

*This post has been written in jest. I don't really expect presents, but I won't lie, it is nice to receive them. Although I won't be in the country for my actual birthday, belated present are absolutely welcome.

And Then There Were Two

Dear Anyone,

This past weekend was the Cousins Weekend that Wonder, Ursula and I had been looking forward to for a couple of weeks. The plan was to stay at Wonder's place from Friday to Sunday, chill, eat, drink, and go partying. It didn't quite work out a well as we'd hoped, and now Ursula and I have kinda fallen out with Wonder.

Friday night was cool, we went out to a bar/club like we'd planned, and although it wasn't the kind of place I'd ever suggest going, we were able to make our own fun, and I got very tipsy. You'd need to in that place really.

On Saturday now, although we didn't have definite plans of what we would do that day, we knew that it would involve cooking, maybe playing games, watching TV - whatever really. But that morning, at about 11am maybe, Wonder's boyfriend called her and said he was around the corner. So she - quick as a flash - went to get showered and dressed. Naturally I thought she got changed because he was coming round. There's nothing wrong with that, obviously she wanted to look nice for her man, fair enough. Then he came round about 20 minutes later, and she was looking for her scarf and asking me if she could borrow my gloves, so it was obvious by now that they were going somewhere. All she told us was that they were going to West Green Road (wherever the hell that is). She didn't say what for or how long they would be, she just wanted Ursula and I to keep a look out for the tow truck, just in case they came to take his car away (since he didn't have a parking permit on it).


They were gone for the WHOLE day. She didn't get back till about 6pm. Ursula and I had to keep ourselves occupied by watching nothing on TV (Saturday day-time television is rubbish). We clearly couldn't go out, because Wonder had taken the house keys with her. We phoned her a couple of times to find out where she was, and asked her to pick up a couple of things (like ingredients and a Scrabble board game - something to do!) and each time she was being really coy. When she came back she was being really blase about it, and tried to make it seem like she had gone out of HER way to buy US the scrabble game, which she didn't even pay for. I was telling her that it was rude of her to just go out and leave us there all day and Ursula was telling her - partly in jest - that she had to earn her way back into the circle of trust. We don't really have a circle of trust, she was just being silly. But Wonder's attitude was that of: "Well we had something important to do, and anyway I wouldn't care if I was at your house and you went out with your boyfriend, so why should you?" I didn't want it to become a big thing, but I couldn't feel 100% settled and joke around with her, because I didn't like the behaviour I was seeing. She went on to show us the new dress the boyfriend had bought her, and that just pissed me off a bit more.


That evening we tried to go clubbing, but because we took her word for it that nowhere would be open till very late, we didn't leave until 1.30am, and surprise surprise, everywhere we went was either completely empty, or had stopped admitting people, so we went back to hers. Then the topic of what had happened that day came up again, and she developed an attitude that really really pissed us off, saying that we'd been making snide comments to her all evening, but she's not listening to what we say or going to say anything else otherwise she's going to get really angry. Then she finished her tea, covered herself with her duvet and tried to go to sleep. What the hell would she have to be angry with us about??? She basically wasted our day by running to her boyfriend's beck-and-call, and yet she's getting angry with us? She's having a laugh. Ursula and I retired to bed also, and decided that we'd leave in the morning, because it just wasn't worth the hassle.


Wonder didn't say a word to us on Sunday morning. She was just tidying up her flat, throwing things in the room and banging pots and plates in the kitchen. It was actually hilarious. The pettiest display of all was when I received a text from her asking for my bank details (I lent her some money months ago). Let's bear in mind that she was in the sitting room and we were in the bedroom. We hadn't even discussed money that weekend, it was never an issue, so I guess that was her way of having no more to do with me. Absolutely fine. I'm broke right now and about to travel, so the money will be very handy.


Am I being dramatic or not? My issue is that she refuses to even try and see it from our point of view and was just being dismissive. We've come to your house for the weekend, but you choose to go off with your boyfriend instead. Why did we bother wasting time travelling all the way there then? I could have saved money and stayed at home, or made better use of my time. I just think it's rude, and one of my pet peeves is people who are unnecessarily rude. I can't stand it.

We haven't spoken since and I don't really care. I might do later, but not right now. If that's how you treat people who are always there for you, help you when you need it and try to cheer you up when you're down, then good luck to you. I hope you and your boyfriend live happily ever after.

Might I Have Me A Jobby Job???

Dear Anyone,

I think I am possibly being taken for a ride, and I don't appreciate it.

Basically, my cousin Diggy knows a guy called Bravo who says he works for MTV Base as an Event Manager, and he told her this when she bumped into him at a restaurant a couple of months ago. Being the person she is she started talking me up, telling him that I am looking for work in that field and what I've done in the past, etc, so he told her to tell me to call him. Every time I tried I got no answer - either the phone would ring and go to voicemail, or it would just go straight to voicemail, so I left a couple of messages, but I never heard back from him.

Then two Thursdays ago Diggy called me while I was at work and told me she had just spoken to Bravo, and that I should call him in exactly five minutes time, so I did and he finally answered. He literally gave me a mini phone interview, asking about what experience I have had in event management, what goes into putting on a successful event, and so on. I always remember that in a job interview, it's as much about you wanting them as it is them wanting you, so you must always ask questions He told me that as well as working for MTV, he also organises member events for Fitness First gyms, so as a way for him to test me he wants me to put on a members event at one of the gyms in south London on 17 December, and if it is successful then a job with MTV is mine. Of course the thought of it scared the hell out of me, especially since he said he wants me to organise it alone to see how I do. The thing that scares me is the idea of telling people that I'm good at something, and then not living up to it. I'm not good at bragging about myself, but I'm working on it. Anyway, we arranged to meet that coming Sunday at 4pm to discuss it further, and he asked me to bring my CV and examples of work I have done. Not a problem.

I got to the meeting place (which was a Fitness First near where I live) at exactly 4pm, and when I told the people at the reception who I was there to see, they didn't know who I was talking about, but it was fine because I figured he was still on his way. I'm standing there... waiting... and waiting, and 4.30pm comes, so I decided to call him to find out where he is, and if he even remembers that we're meeting, and he answers and says he's on his way, but there's traffic. Common courtesy should have told him to let me know that sooner.

He got there at about 4.40pm, and I was hoping I my face didn't show how unimpressed I was. We went up to a meeting room that one of the receptionists showed us to, and I was really hoping it wouldn't be long, because I was tired. Wrong attitude to have, I know, but I hadn't yet slept since arriving from Paris that day! Anyway, Bravo had a look at my CV and he seemed pretty impressed with that and my portfolio that contains predominantly journalistic work. He even knew a couple of my previous employers (both charlatans in their own way - that should have been a sign!). He also asked me if I speak any other languages, because it comes in very handy for that role. Apparently he can speak six languages, and is currently learning his 7th. Strangely enough, French and Spanish are not included in his skills. Then he told me about the position on offer; I would be based in Camden, sometimes working at the Oxford St office, the hours would be 8am-6pm, but some times I would finish earlier or later depending on the amount of work to be done. The starting salary was good, and would go up by £2k after a six month probation period. The contract would initially be for two years. I would have to make sure that I'm very flexible time-wise, as very often staff are required to travel abroad at the drop of a hat. His example was that he could call me and tell me to be at the airport within two hours to fly to Japan, where I could be staying for as long as four months. His team recently had to travel to New York to help with an album launch party for Keyshia Cole. They also had to work hard on the MTV Europe Awards in Liverpool last month. You can imagine how I was trying to contain my excitement while sitting there. This was the type of stuff I had written in the ideal job exercise that Muscle told me to do. All I had to do was organise an event for Fitness First, which would be overlooked by Bravo and his Line Manager, and if they were impressed, the job was mine. We agreed that he would call me on Wednesday for us to meet on either Thursday or Friday, so that he could give me all the contacts and details I'd need.

Wednesday came and I sent him a text in the afternoon asking if we could meet on Thursday and not Friday, because I already had plans. Surprise surprise I didn't get a response, but it was cool ,because the day wasn't over yet. By 9pm I still hadn't heard from him, so I called him and he sounded like I'd woken him up or something.

Me: Hi, did you get my text this afternoon?
Him: Er... your text? Yeah, yeah I got it.
Me: So..... is tomorrow ok to meet then?
Him: Tomorrow? Yeah yeah, tomorrow's fine...
Me: Well I finish work at 6pm, so I can meet you at the gym for 7pm?
Him: Yeah that's cool, I should have left the office by then, so 7pm is fine.
Me: Ok, so, I'll see you tomorrow at 7pm at the gym then, yes?
Him: Yep ok, see you then.

That annoyed me a bit, but I let it go.

Thursday comes and I get to the area a little early, so I decide to kill time by window shopping. At 6.30pm my phone rings and it's Bravo.

Him: Hi, yeah, I'm really sorry but I'm not going to be able to make it. I'm still stuck at the office with loads of paperwork to do.

Me: Ok.................. Well my next available time is Monday. I have the day off work, but I have a hospital appointment in the morning.

Him: Ok that's fine. Give me a call when you're finished with your appointment, and we'll definitely meet then.

Me: Ok fine, I will. Speak to you then.

It was now starting to seem like a joke, and all I was thinking was that the 17th is not that far away.

So Monday comes, and in the morning I had to go to the hospital to have a cyst removed from my eyelid. Longish story, but basically the doctor injected my eyelid, turned it inside out, cut it a little and squeezed/scraped out whatever was inside. So for the rest of the day I had to walk around with one eye bandaged up - even when I went with Roxy to see RG off at the airport (she's gone to work in the U.S again). When I got home I called Bravo as I said I would, and he told me he would meet me at 6pm, because he'd be leaving the office at 5pm, so that was fine with me. I was able to rest for a short while before leaving home. I got to the gym at exactly 7pm, and told the guy at the reception who I had come to see, and this time round he knew who I was talking about, so I sat and waited. And waited. And waited. And I did a little bit of waiting in the meantime. Then waited afterwards. The guys who worked there were making me laugh by poking fun at my patched up eye, so that made it a slightly less boring wait. When 7.10pm came I was pissed off, so I decided to leave, but I sent him a text beforehand:

"Bravo I've been waiting an hour and I'm going to have to go now. I really really want this opportunity with MTV and I'm 100% willing to work for it, but the time span until the 17th is short and I wouldn't want to do an event that could turn out crap due to limited time, and spoil my chances. Would it be possible to leave it till the new year?"

Still waiting.........

Have I been had?

One Night In Paris (the city not the airhead)

Dear Anyone,

I went to Paris for the first time this weekend, and it was fun! I went with five of the girls who went to Cannes in April, and it was supposed to be a reunion of sorts, but four others couldn't make it.

It was the idea of Bibs, one of our friends who is also SP's cousin. She suggested the idea of travelling to Paris by Eurostar on a Saturday afternoon, finding somewhere to eat and have a few drinks, finding somewhere to change into our glad rags, then go clubbing through the night and catch an early train back on the Sunday morning. It sounds crazy, which is why we HAD to try it. Bibs said she'd done it before with a group of friends, and although they were very tired, they'd had so much fun.

It worked out even better for us though, because Bibs has a friend, Bambi (who some of us also know) who just happens to be staying in Paris for work purposes, and who was sweet enough to allow us to base ourselves at her apartment for the night. It worked out perfectly!

The journey on the Eurostar was quite alright actually. It's strange going through the same procedures at a train station that you would at an airport, I'm just used to swiping my Oyster card and going on my way. Also, knowing that you're going by train makes it very easy to forget that you'll need your passport! Don't worry, no one did though.

Of course there had to be one mishap, and of course the mishap would have to have happened to Muggins here. So, being the nice and thoughtful friends that we are, SP and I decided that we would each bring a bottle of 'water' to share with the girls on the journey there. We consumed SP's bottle first, and I was going to leave it to kick into our systems for a while ( you know how 'water' does) before I opened my bottle. Then I heard a text alert on my phone, so I reached down for my bag and I could see (and feel - because my shoes were off) that the floor was wet. It was as if I knew straight away what had happened, because it's happened to me so many times before (you remember what happened in Barbados as a result of lack of sleep right?). When I put my hand in my bag, the first thing I touched was the upside down plastic bottle, which, when I pulled it out, was absolutely completely empty, as if someone had sucked it dry to rid any evidence of a beverage. I just kept saying "Oh my gosh" over and over again, while looking at SP. Then I thought "Oh please God no!" when I realised that my mum's camera was also in the bag, and as far as I knew it was in it's plastic. As Sod's Law would have it, somehow the camera had managed to escape the little plastic bag, so that it didn't have to miss out on the drinking. It was more drunk than any of us had been for the whole duration of the trip. Bastard thing. All I thought was that my mum was going to skin me, so I decided instantly that when we arrive back in London the next day, I would head straight to the shop to buy her another one. And that's exactly what I did.

As for my dress - ha! Imagine you have just hand-washed a garment, but you haven't wrung it out yet. That was it. I had to hang it up on the seat in front of me, and no matter how many times I tried to squeeze the liquid out, it still dripped on my knee for the rest of the journey.

When we arrived in Paris we couldn't head straight to Bambi's place, because she was still out for the day, so we headed to a little bar/cafe type place to keep warm. Paris is very much like London - if I had gotten a grade higher than a 'C' for French I think I'd be able to live there. I'm very much a city person, you see. Beaches for holidays though. Anyway, we stayed in the cafe and toasted Paris with 2 bottles of wine, before taking the taxis to Bambi's apartment.

Now she's staying in a perfect little studio apartment, in a very good and central location..... that is when you eventually make it up to the apartment. By that I mean the steps. The staircase is serious! She lives right at the top, the very last apartment, and to get up there you have no choice but to walk, because there is nothing even resembling a lift to get you up. We should have guessed by the congregation of buggies at the foot of the staircase. I am not even joking when I tell you that today my thighs are aching, and I know it's down to us having to climb those stairs more than once. Yes I am unfit, thank you, I've never denied it. We were huffing and puffing like we'd just been chased by lions! Bambi was laughing at us. Thankfully her place was very warm, so we were able to chill for a while, with wine and munchies, while my dress hung and dried on the radiator. It felt like it had overdosed on starch, but I didn't care because it was dry!

It was a good night, even though a little expensive. We went to eat at a restaurant called Buddha Bar, which was nice, but overrated and pricey for what it was. Then we moved on to a club called Duplex. When we pulled up in the cabs, the queue was absolutely ridiculous! Long and thick. But Bibs and SP went to the front, and in their best French they told the doorman that we have come all the way from London, and we are seven sexy women wanting to party tonight - and he let us straight in! It was great because the weather was cold and wet. We had to wait till 2am for the R&B room to open, otherwise it would have been pounding house music for the whole night, and that would not have been cool with me, so in the meantime we used our free drink tokens to keep ourselves occupied. The music in the R&B room was alright actually - random - but alright. We made the most of it, and had plenty of laughs people watching. One guy came and sat by us, and he was so out of his head pissy-drunk that even when the bouncers came to shake him awake, we were sure he was dead! Another guy was dancing near us, and the booty-shaking he was displaying would make Beyonce go and re-evaluate her purpose in life. It was all very funny.

We left at about 5am and went back to Bambi's to start getting our things together. I think I managed to get about 20 mins sleep, before our taxis came to take us to the station, but it was 20 mins more than I thought I'd be getting. We were able to get some breakfast at a cafe near the train station before catching our train, so that gave way for quite a nice nap on the journey back.

I'm so glad I've been able to take such a crazy-sounding trip with a group of girls who get on so well, and I really thank Bambi for making it so much easier for us. Now I'd love to return to Paris if someone wants to take me. Any offers?

Bore Off...

Dear Anyone,

I'm bored. I don't just mean right at this minute, I mean generally in life. Really I shouldn't be, because I do have a few things coming up. Like for instance, I'm going to Paris for one night this Saturday with the girlies who I went to Cannes with in April. It's sort of a reunion and it's going to be crazy, but overall it'll definitely be fun.

And I've got a fun-filled Cousins Weekend two weeks afterwards, at Wonder's house. Drinking, partying, drinking, eating, drinking, playing games, drinking, chatting, drinking and gossiping. We might also have a couple of drinks at some point.

And I'm going away at Christmas for my dad's 60th birthday/retirement party. I'm hoping that would be fun, but since the cousins that were supposed to come are no longer coming, and none of my friends will be there - who knows? I know what I'm talking about, I've spent many a boring Christmas at my dad's.

But then what after that? I'm kind of bored in advance of life (if that makes sense!). I'm not going to harp on about it, just thought I'd mention it. That's all.

Kick Up The Bum

Dear Anyone,

One of my friends on Facebook posed a question in his status, asking why people put up with disrespect in the name of love. One of his friends responded with a long but very interesting view, which is basically common sense and nothing new, but at this time I feel that it's something I need to hear...

"Love can be crazy like that! It doesn't see your short comings! That’s why leaving an abusive relationship can be painful - your common sense tells you "you're stupid to stay!", while your heart tells you "don’t give up!"

(The best thing to do is to) reveal to the disrespectful person that they are being very disrespectful to you, and that it hurts, and if they don’t care, and are not willing to make changes for the better....accept that they don’t love you, separate from them, and deal with the pain! It will only make you stronger and wiser and less of a mug!

A lack of self worth can come from being treated wrongly in the past, e.g. from parents, teachers, anyone who plays an important role in your life, or who you looked up to as a child. You grow up thinking this is the norm, unless someone sheds some light on things.

Trying to change someone else is a fools game! You cannot change anyone. People change if THEY really want to. You might have some temporary success in it, but you end up pushing away the one you're trying to change.

Love does not hurt, and can not, because its not an emotion. But we FEEL we can identify love through such things as affection, giving, spending time together....all good. Love is the total opposite to selfishness - it is selfless... The things that stem from LOVE are: Peace, Joy, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, Self-Control....and many more things we can name that are good, can come under these.

The perfect demonstration of LOVE is JESUS. He came, suffered and died for you and I, so that we could receive eternal life and be with Him for eternity in Heaven. Now if you could really understand how extreme that is, to be so selfless, and pay the price for people who hate you, who whip you with a whip that rips the skin off your bones, and then to be spat at, punched, cursed and then to be nailed to a cross, and had done nothing wrong....but still willing to go through with it, because of knowing that He would gain YOU! Now that’s LOVE my friend, and it didn’t feel good, it hurt! To this day I know nobody who's willing to do that for me!

Why would I reject such a LOVE? I can’t!"

So simple, yet it's a kick I think I need...

Play Your Silly Games

Dear Anyone,

Things haven't been going too well with Tod recently, and I'm starting to get a little tired of it to be honest.

A couple of weeks ago my friend Shar informed me of rumours she had been told, involving Tod and other girls, so naturally I asked him about it. I didn't do it in any sort of accusing manner, I merely said to him that this is what I've heard, it's upset me and I want just want to know if it is true or not. Not surprisingly he flipped, and stuttered his way through his denial, saying that he's tired of people making things up about him, and that if it was true he would admit it to me and apologise.

For some strange reason he seems to think that Shar is the one responsible for the rumours, even though he knows who it was that had told her. For the rest of the day it was drama, phone calls and arguments between him (and his friend who has nothing to do with it), the person who the story came from and Shar. To be honest I have never seen him deny something so vehemently as he did that day, and has been since. Normally he'd try to brush it off, which would let me know he's lying, but the fact that he was making calls all over the place, and appearing to be extremely angry makes me think that maybe it was a lie. But he can't be surprised - sometimes your reputation precedes you, and sometimes it will follow you forever.

Now he's behaving like it's his time of the month - sulking, being distant, acting like he doesn't care about anything, and generally being miserable. Any time I ask what's wrong, he just says "Nothing" or "I dunno, I dunno." All he has said is that he now feels skeptical about things, because people keep telling lies about him, and he knows that things feel a bit different with us now, but he's trying to get it back to how it was. I can kind of see what he's doing though; he's almost trying to turn it around on me, and make me feel guilty for asking him about it. Sorry but that will not be happening here. I can understand if he is annoyed with me, because it may look like I don't trust him, but in all honesty I don't 100%. I can't help it, that's just how I feel. I definitely trust him more than I did in the beginning last year, but not whole-heartedly, and I think most of it is to do with the whole secrecy of us seeing each other. Not to say that I want to go blurting out details of my private life to all and sundry, but if people know, then they know. It's not a big deal to me. As I said to him - people will always talk, that's human nature, but they will get bored of the current subject and move on to the next.

I also get the impression that he is afraid of his feelings. Maybe he was liking me too much, so he's pulling away. I know that he (of all people!) is afraid of getting hurt, mostly because his ex-girlfriend left him for his friend, and he's not really able to get over that. There's always one that messes it up for everyone else! But it's still no excuse. I don't care anyway. Actually that's a lie, I do care, but I'm just not going to bother myself anymore. Any serious guy would rather try to re-assure me that I have nothing to worry about, and make sure that everything is ok between us. So this case leads me back to the title of the good book - He's Just Not That Into You...

Muscle Bound?

Dear Anyone,

I had a surprising conversation with Muscle last night, and there's one part that I don't know what to make of.

While in the middle of getting a lecture from my mum about what I'm doing with my life, I decided to browse Facebook on my phone (so she would think I wasn't interested in what she was saying. Childish? Maybe... so sue me) and noticed that I had a message in my inbox from Muscle. He entitled it "Yes I'm being cheeky but..." and proceeded to tell me that while on his way home from a friend's house, he was in my area and was extremely tempted to call me and ask whether he could come and stay the night, because it was cold, he was very far from home, and public transport wasn't working properly. He ended the message with " Yes... maybe even a step beyond cheeky..."

I was so surprised, and I could tell that it wasn't a joke. In theory it's a VERY nice idea, in practice it just would not work at all. It really wouldn't be fair on me, because he broke it off with me, so that would just suggest that he'd want me to become a friend with 'benefits'. Uh-uh. None of that, thank you very much. He's the kind of guy I would want to be with in the long-term, so if there's no chance of that, then we will remain good friends and nothing more.



However, we did have a very good phone conversation not long afterwards. During the email exchanges (which contained flirting - on his part of course) he gave me his new mobile phone number and said that I could call him if I was still feeling 'spritely,' so I did. He asked me how the conversation with my mum had gone, and I told him that I kind of understood what she was saying, but it was also getting on my nerves, because I wasn't in the mood for it or expecting it at all. Then we got to what exactly it is I want to do career-wise, and I told him about all my media efforts in the past, and how I'm fed up with application rejections, but that I really need to leave my current work place. He suggested I start at the very beginning and make three separate lists; what I have learned in my jobs so far, what I am good at, and what I enjoy. From my final answer I should be able to decide exactly what type of career I want. He's good isn't he?!



We spoke for about an hour, and it was really nice. He's very intelligent and a good conversationalist. When I told RG about it today, she said it sounds like I still like him. Well I am still attracted to him, mostly because he's the one who ended it, so it's not as though I went off him. When someone is as sexy as that, it's not easy! But I don't sit there pining and wishing I was still with him, because that would be a complete waste of time. No one knows what will happen in the future, so as with everything in life, we just wait and see...

Worth Waiting For?

Dear Anyone,

Yesterday RG and I had a discussion about 'The One'. Now she, being the ultimate romanticist, believes that he is out there, and that you should be patient and wait for things to happen, because they will, as it is written in your destiny from the day you are born. I, on the other hand, don't share the same views exactly. Call me pessimistic if you like, but I see it more as 'realistic.'

I definitely believe that there is someone for everyone. Actually I believe there are three perfect people for every person. But to me, a big chunk of my disbelief is due to my age. RG is five years younger than me, so in a way she still has quite a bit of time to meet The One, and be with him for a few years before getting married and starting a family. I am nearly 31 and I am starting to believe less and less that I'm going to find 'Him'. I might end up settling for someone who feels strongly for me, but whose feelings I can't fully reciprocate.

When I told her this, she reeled off a list of couples we know of, who consider each other to be The One. The problem for me is that they all met each other at young ages. One couple have been married for two years, but the girl is RG's age - so that doesn't count. Another couple are the same age as me and about to have their first child. "That's not so bad," you might say, but they've been together since they were about 16, so that doesn't count. Another couple were married last year. They are slightly older than me, but again they have been together for over 10 years - so they don't count either. What do they all have in common? Answer: a head start.

Until my experience of Boy Wonder (or lack thereof) and also dating Muscle, I used to believe that I could find someone who ticked at least 90% of my boxes. I considered those two to have ticked that amount. But obviously it didn't work out with either of them, so now I'm thinking that for the sake of my biological clock, I should just work with what I'm given. I don't want to be 38, 40 or 45 before I have my first child. I didn't even want to be 30 before becoming a mother, but... well... what choice do I have now?

I know what a good catch I am, and what a great girlfriend I would make, but what is the point of walking around thinking this if you don't get a proper chance to prove it? I could recite 'I'm great, I'm hot, I'm fab' in the mirror as many times a day as I'd like, but really they're just words. How can it proven?

This all sounds really sad, I know, but I guess I'm just losing faith. I haven't completely lost it all, but it is waning. RG asked whether I believe that by hanging around successful people, it could rub off on you to also become a success. I believe that with everything else but relationships. One thing I hate is being the only single person around couples. I find it extremely uncomfortable and quite depressing, so the last thing I am going to do is purposely hang around all my paired-up friends, thinking that this will help The One spot me in the crowd. I think SP already knows this about me, because I always ask who else will be there if she invites me somewhere with her and Joseph.

I will do my best to get out of the 'realistic' way of thinking, and embrace the 'optimistic' one, but I won't lie - that will take plenty of time...

These Are My Confessions...

Dear Anyone,

Before I begin, may I please ask that you don't judge me or tut or roll your eyes while you read? I'm a grown woman, therefore I won't spout all that spiel about knowing what I'm doing etc, because I hardly ever know what I'm doing - ha ha!!

So... for the past three months or so, I have been seeing/occasionally spending time with someone who maybe I should, because we get on so well, or maybe I shouldn't because I don't know how serious he is, and you all know how serious I am. He's been mentioned before. You may remember him as........ Undeserving... but let's now call him Tod.

Okay okay, yes I know, he's got three kids with three women, physically he's not my type at all, he's just over a year younger than me, if my dad knew he worked on public transport by day, he would probably have me stoned, and I don't even know if he could relate to my friends, but I do like him for some reason, and he has been very consistent recently.

In June/July he kind of expressed that he really likes me, when he called me one day and told me in a very complicated way (typical of him) that I’d been on his mind for the whole day. He was at a barbeque at his Mum’s house when he called, so that alone made me think ‘Wow - he’s among his family and friends and he’s thinking of me.’ Since then we’ve spoken literally every day, often multiple times a day, and it’s nice because it hasn’t been about any game playing with the usual ‘I called him/her last, so he/she should call me next’ nonsense.

When I was going to Barbados, I was with him the night before, and then he texted me after a couple of days saying ‘I thought you said you were gonna call’. Before leaving, he had mentioned a couple of times that I should call him if I can while I’m away, but I didn’t think he was serious, so I just humoured him by saying I would. I was able to call him quickly, and he told me he missed me, which felt nice. He does say that every so often, but again, I don’t really take him that seriously all the time, because of the jokey nature of our friendship. It’s always easier to take something as a joke if I’m not sure, for fear of making an idiot of myself.

He went to New York at the end of August, for two weeks, and the day he came back he asked me to go and see him, as tired as he was. He’d also brought back a gift for me (two Victoria Secret body sprays), and that was the first time he’s done that, considering he travels quite often. I am still waiting for my 30th birthday present though, and considering there are only 3 months left till my next birthday, I’d say he better get his skates on! (Yes I know that you and I both know that won’t be happening).

Being a DJ he travels up and down the country to play, and most of the time he'll call while on his journey with friends, just to say where he is, or play me a new mix he has done that they'd be listening to. If I’m at his place and he has friends round, he is still affectionate towards me, and sometimes I am a bit hesitant, because a) I am shy, and b) I don’t know what he’s told them about me. I could be the girl for that particular day of the week, and with them being male/his friends, they won't tell me anything I need to know - they're all probably doing the same thing!

The problem is that the trust isn’t 100% there, because of the way he was with me last year, the fact that he's a DJ, and the fact that he has to have a close relationship with his children’s mothers. I am especially suspicious of the mother of his youngest child. I think she still considers him to be her man, and she might well have reason to, because I don’t know what he tells her. Why am I so afraid to ask guys what the deal is between us?! That is my biggest issue when it comes to me and men! I always put off asking crucial questions, and yet others don't seem to have that problem. Why???

So that’s it really. On one hand I think I know I’m wasting time with someone I won’t end up marrying, therefore I am always on the look-out. But on the other hand, my cousins keep telling me to always stop being so cautious because you never know what could be.

New Kids On The Blog

Dear Anyone,

I'm going to see New Kids On The Block in concert in January! I can't believe it! I've only waited so long for this! My friend Roxy booked the tickets for four of us today, as soon as they were put on sale, so we're going, we're going, WE'RE GOING!

I don't think you understand the love I had for this boyband when I was 12. I LOVED them. My love for them was only a very very close second to Michael Jackson (and yes, you can say what you like about MJ - he was the BEST). I had all the posters on the wall and everything. My every last penny was spent on buying any magazine they were featured in. I even made my dad sit at home and record one of their concerts when it was shown on satellite TV, because I had been out shopping with my mum, and I wouldn't have been home in time. I LOVED them.

My favourite 'kid' was Jordan. I couldn't believe that someone so beautiful could exist in real life. I thought he was perfect - even though he wore braces for quite a long time. I'm not too fond of those. I had a life-size poster of him on the wall above my headboard...and yes... maybe I kissed it a couple of times, or shall I say... he kissed me... I also used to tell myself that seven years wasn't a big age gap between us. I didn't see why a 19 year old wouldn't go out with a 12 year old. Obviously I now know that had he come anywhere near me (in that way) at that age, my parents would have had him hung, drawn and quartered.

I remember there was a girl in my year at school, who loved the group (and Jordan) just as much as I did. On her birthday her mum gave her a card in the morning, but told her not to open it until she arrived at school. When she opened it, two New Kids On The Block concert tickets fell out. She spent the whole day being smug and telling anyone who'd listen about her birthday present from her mum. I was so jealous, and I had all these visions of her meeting Jordan, and him fancying her and wanting her to be his girlfriend. Well look at me now 'R'! It's my turn! OK so it might have taken 18 years, but better late than never love!

So if you happen to bump into me on 24 January, and I'm wearing ripped stone-washed jeans, a baggy white t-shirt with neon print, and buttons, badges and pins all over my attire - you can "call it what you want, but I'll call it love!"

Jobby-Job Reject

Dear Wonderful,

Thank you for coming in for an interview for the position of Event Assistant.

Our candidates for second interview had a better understanding of our awards than you were able to display in your interview and for this reason I regret to inform you that on this occasion you have not been successful in your application for the role.

I would like to thank you for your interest in working at Emap Inform and I wish you well with your future plans and career.

Whatever...

I Need Me A Jobby-Job V

So... I had my job interview as an Events Assistant today, and I'm not sure how I think it went.

I was interviewed by two women, which I thought would be a little intimidating, but fortunately it wasn't. I was on time. I was smart, but fashionably dressed. I was polite, maintained eye-contact as often as possible, didn't slouch, and was as friendly as I could be.

I thought it was all going well until they decided to give me a test. Now I'm not very good with tests, unless they're spelling tests, and as my luck would have it, this test consisted of 33 percent Microsoft Word, and 66.6 percent Excel. I hate Excel. I am absolutely no good at Excel - especially the formulas. I got an 'E' for Maths GCSE (twice!) - Mathematics is not my forte. What they wanted me to do was compose a letter in Word, informing a nominee that they are up for an award, and asking for images to be used on the night. Piece o' piss. Then I had to transfer booking information onto an Excel spreadsheet. Not too bad. Then - I had to use Excel to work out how many tables had been sold, how many more were to be sold and at which price in order to reach the sales target. To be extremely honest with you, I did my calculations using the laptop's calculator, and wrote down my answers. It was the best thing I could do to show that I tried, otherwise I would have just sat there staring at the woman's face when she walked back in the room (the other woman had another meeting to attend halfway through). I told her that I did my best, and she said 'Oh don't worry too much about it, it's fine, we have very good Excel training here.' False sense of security methinks...

The whole session lasted about an hour in total, and I came out feeling... I don't know how I felt actually. It was good in some parts, and not so good in others, so I guess all I can do is wait. Apparently I will hear from them by Friday, so fingers crossed...

Carnival Queen

Today was an absolutely great day. SP and I participated in the Notting Hill Carnival, in full costume and all. It was so good, and I have to say that we looked spectacular.

This is the third time we've taken part, but this year our costumes have been the most elaborate we've had. The title of the costumes was 'Bird of Paradise,' and that's exactly what we looked like! And it was the first (and possibly only) time that I have been brave enough to do the bra and shorts thing. The only way to take my mind of my lack of clothing was to indulge in plenty of free alcohol. And I mean plenty. SP brought a bottle of Malibu that she’d received as a birthday gift, I bought the orange juice, and we mixed the two into an empty litre plastic bottle. Within an hour we had no care in the world. There were also free drinks on the truck for those of us taking part. Good times.

‘Playing Mas (Masquerade)’ at Carnival is a very long, but extremely fun way to enjoy the day, and the only way I’ll be attending the Carnival in the future. We go on the road from about 12pm, and dance the route until about 9pm. Fortunately for us it only rained while we were on our way to the meeting place, and it stayed dry and quite warm for the rest of the day. Yesterday I was praying for it to be sunny today, but I’m quite glad it wasn’t, because being that I’m one of the original Sweaty Bettys, I would have melted and become just a pile of feathers.

The only trouble that occurred came right at the end when there was a riot between the police and revellers, but I’ve heard that the police practically provoked it with their presence and unnecessary stop-and-search tactics. Luckily for SP and me we were on our way back to our coach to gather our belongings and head for our lift home.
My legs are aching and I’m scared about how they will be tomorrow for my interview. But I’ve had a very good day, and they don’t come along often enough, so let’s hope that tomorrow is another one….

I Need Me A Jobby-Job IV

I have a job interview next week!!! I can't believe it. I only sent off my CV last night, and I received a phone call this morning while at work.

It’s for the position of Events Assistant at a famous magazine publisher. I’ve applied for loads of jobs there, and obviously since I’m still working where I am, you can see that I’ve never been successful with my applications.

The lady who called me was really nice, and she gave me a short telephone interview, asking me why I want to work in Events. I told her that I think it is an industry where there is a high level of job satisfaction, and you can look back and see the success (or not!) of the hard work you put in. When she said, “I fully agree with everything you’ve just said,” I wanted to scream!

My appointment is for next Tuesday at 11.30am, which is perfect because I have already booked Tuesday off work. Pray hard for me! Now I’m off to do as much company research as I can!

Post-Holiday Blues

Today… is my first day back at work… after my holiday in Barbados. And those words… were not easy for me to write… without my lip quivering.

I loved it there. I belong there. It was beautiful. The people were so polite, the weather was lovely (apart from the few times it rained, but it is rainy season, so we were lucky it only rained the few times it did) and they know how to party HARD! We did the party-through-till-daylight-then-no-sleep-that-day thing, and it was difficult. I’m clearly not as young as I think I am/used to be. As a result of serious fatigue, I damaged my camera by leaving it in a pool of apple juice in my handbag (don’t ask), and therefore my photos for the last few days are very sporadic, to say the least. I have blank spaces where Carnival and Boat Party activity should be. But I won’t fret, because the others got some good photos, so I’ll just right click on them when they put them on good ole Facebook.

We stayed in a lovely apartment in Dover, Christchurch, which is basically the area close to most things, but also the more expensive area, because it is where the tourists go. Of course with the British Pound being as strong as it is, we didn’t feel the expense too much. That sounds so boastful doesn’t it? But it’s true. We also had a supermarket next door, which was the most convenient thing ever, the beach right across the road, various restaurants along the road, and taxis practically at our beck-and-call. The taxi drivers really know their country. They literally double as tour guides, and it’s so impressive. It was the life I tell you.

Being in the Caribbean you know that rum was at our fingertips. And we feasted on it! As soon as we’d finish breakfast, we could have a tipple before going out for the day, and because we weren’t going to work, we didn’t need to feel guilty about it! “I feel tipsy – so what?!” I brought quite a few bottles home with me… for the family of course… and… you know… social gatherings I may have… and the like… Leave me alone, I'm not an alkie!

The only thing we thought would be slightly tricky was finding out what events were happening where and when, but fortunately for us Salop’s friend Dom took very good care of us. He was literally a Bajan “It Boy”. Everywhere we went it seemed he knew everyone! He practically had our social agenda mapped out for us, and even if he wasn’t going out on a particular night, we had people there who had also come from London and knew what was going on, because they are what can only be described as veteran Barbados holidaymakers. Some of the things we did were: Carnival (of course); a tour of the island (with a taxi driver as our tour guide, naturally) where we visited a historical cave; a Boat Party on the Harbour Master Boat – and I went snorkelling during that party! I can’t believe I did it, but I had to just to say I have. I was SO scared, because I can’t swim, but luckily there was a really nice lady who held my had for most of the time, and when she let go, I was given a float by another guy. I’m not ashamed to say it – I’M 30 YEARS OLD AND I NEEDED A FLOAT.

I definitely, without-a-doubt, want to go back there again. It was a good group of people I went with, no drama, no arguements, exactly how it should be. Hopefully they'll want to return too. Now I'm going to wallow in the withdrawal I'm experiencing, so please give me some time...

Caribbean Girl

Dear Anyone,

I’m beside myself with excitement! Today is my last day at work for two weeks, because on Tuesday I’m off to Barbados! I CAN’T WAIT!! I’m going with SP and her boyfriend Salop (formerly known as Birthday Boy), my friend Minx and my cousin Mute. It’s partly for SP’s 30th birthday (which will be after we get back) but mostly for the Barbados Carnival. I’m sooooo excited. It has come around quickly though – we’ve been talking about it since the beginning of the year, and we already only have four days to go!

We will be staying in an apartment (don’t you know) and apparently it is located right in the middle of everything, so we will be walking distance to everywhere we go. I’m giddy just sitting here writing to you! So far, the events we have lined up are the Carnival and a Boat Party. I can not wait. Everyone I have spoken to who have been to Barbados say that we’re going to have so much fun. I don’t want to get ahead of myself, but I can’t stop thinking about it.

If you know me you’ll know that I haven’t packed yet. Being the broke person I am, I still need the clothes I’ll be packing, or else I’ll be walking around in my birthday suit, and well… I wouldn’t want to get arrested or make the rest of you jealous now, would I? I still have a few things to buy, like swimwear. I still have the same swimwear I bought for our holiday in Miami four years ago, and I’ll be damned if you see me sporting all of the same costumes I did back then. Take note of what I said: I said ‘all of the same costumes,’ meaning a couple of them will be repeats, but at least two won’t be.

So that’s what I will be doing tomorrow – shopping (as broke as I am). I can’t spend much though, because I don’t get paid until the day we leave, which also affects when I can change my currency. But I will absolutely keep you posted on our antics during the holiday. See ya!

I Need Me Another Jobby-Job III

Dear Anyone,

Recruitment agencies are a stupid, useless waste of money! How is it that I emailed my CV to an agency, and within 15 minutes I receive a reply saying that they can't help me, but "thank you for your interest in this post." I didn't apply for a post! So obviously my CV wasn't even looked over. If you say you provide work in Media & Events, and I say I'm looking for work in Media or Events, where is the problem? Which part of that do they not understand?

To be honest with you I really do not want to apply for work through an agency, because I think they are a con. They advertise false jobs just for the sake of getting people on their books. I think I've said this to you before, and so if I'm repeating myself that just goes to show how much I believe that.

I have sent my CV to three agencies and had literally the same response. Is that the in-thing now? Reject it straight-away using the standard template email. If it is, then I think I’m looking for work in the wrong industry, because clearly Recruitment Consultants have it easy.

At my current workplace there are a lot of changes and cut-backs taking place, which will ultimately result in me being unhappier, so I NEED to get out. I have given myself a deadline of September, partly because that is when the changes take effect, and mostly because I only have four days annual holiday left, so I won’t have enough time to travel at Christmas like I want to. Or shall I say – have to.

Another problem I have is coming up with ideas. I’m not much of an ideas person. I’m more the type that can expand on an idea once it has initially been thought up. A couple of the journalism vacancies I have come across are perfect, but they require ideas for headlines and articles, and I’m having a bit of a problem thinking up relevant stories. I think I’ll ask RG – she’s very, very good with ideas. She was born to be in the media, as much as she gets irritated with it sometimes.

So I’m going to go home and seriously think up possible stories for the two vacancies I’ve come across. I’ll keep you posted…

I Need Me Another Jobby-Job II

Dear Anyone,

Today I applied for a job that I have applied for three times before. I’m wondering whether it’s best I just take a hint, or if it’s better to practise the theory of ‘if at first you don’t succeed, try and try again?’
It is a Media Relations Assistant position with Comic Relief, and the crazy thing is that it’s in my area - geographically. It would take me literally ten minutes to get to work! I could walk there… if I was feeling fit and didn’t mind turning up looking like Sweaty Betty.

The job spec is everything I have already done in my 'career' so far, and I know I can do it well enough to impress them. I really want this job!! They say on their website that "due to limited resources" if you don't hear from them within the next three weeks, you haven't been successful. Twenty days to go...

Another One Bites The Dust

Dear Anyone,

You know what? I think I should pack my things, leave home, and move into Square One, because I find myself coming back here frequently. I obviously like it here. No matter what happens to me, somehow I always end up popping in to see what's going on in Square One.

Once again I’m talking about men. Muscle in particular. I spoke to him last night, and got the gist on what is going on with us. Basically nothing. I have finally asked him what I’ve wanted to know for a while, and well, it’s kind of what I was expecting to hear, even though a part of me (actually a lot of me) was hoping he’d prove me wrong. He told me that due to recent circumstances that have allowed him to re-evaluate his life; a relationship isn’t what he’s looking for right now. He wants to have fun, travel and discover who he really is. I think the reason I already knew what the answer would be, is because when we spoke via emails last week and I asked him when he would see my new hairstyle in person, he said that he doesn’t know, because he doesn’t know when he will be in my area next. That cemented it for me really, because ordinarily if you wanted to see someone, you wouldn’t need a reason to go, you’d just go. He told me that I’m a lovely, lovely, sexy woman and I shouldn’t change that, but he doesn’t want to end up hurting me, and he wanted to make sure that we’re still cool. Of course we are. I’m not even angry with him, because he was so polite and articulate with it, and I definitely don’t think he’s making excuses – I believe him. I’m just wondering whether he would have told me if I hadn’t asked... and how long he's known that he wasn't interested anymore...

I was fine with it last night, to be honest. I wasn’t shell-shocked or anything. We were on the phone for just over an hour and a half, and it was cool. But it’s been on my mind all day today, and I’ve been feeling quite crap really. It’s natural with me though, that’s what I do. I'm not angry, I'm a little bit upset, but mainly disappointed, because as you know, I thought I'd met someone very promising. And I think my negative energy today has spread, because I’ve developed a hole in my trousers that has grown during the course of the day, and I’ve lost my work pass. I’ve been feeling really pissy all day.

I can’t help but wonder: if I’m so lovely, why do I keep attracting the same situations? It’s always the “it’s not you, it’s me type” things, and I’m a little tired of it. It makes me think that maybe I shouldn’t go for what I want. Maybe I should go for the opposite. Maybe that’s what God wants for me. First it was Boy Wonder, then Muscle. Boy Wonder told me a similar thing a couple of weeks ago when I asked why he hadn’t used my number; he wants to focus on his studies, and he’s not in the right place. I haven't even really thought about it for ages. I kept my promise - he didn't call, so I no longer harped on it. SP reckons that all this means is that 'He' (the guy I'm seeking) is coming really soon, because I've met some who seem to fit the bill, but for whatever reason it hasn't worked out. I don't know man. I kinda disagree. It rather feels like someone is dangling carrots, and having fun watching me jump up and down like an Ass trying to catch them. Sometimes I think that guys build up this image of relationships as though they are the worst, most time-consuming things they could ever imagine entering into. All I say is good luck to them.

So here I am. Back in this square called ‘One’. But it’s ok; I bear no ill-feelings toward Muscle at all. I really like him, he's a lovely guy, and I truly hope he finds what he’s looking for that will make him happy, but it obviously ain't me.

Where was Waldo?

Dear Anyone,

I spoke to Muscle last night for the first time in about a week and a half. He’d disappeared!! Well not literally… But I hadn’t heard from him the whole time, and at first I thought it was because he was as busy as ever, so I didn’t think too much of it. But when it went past a week, I kind of started to think… things. You know me. I thought maybe he wasn’t interested anymore, or I had offended him somehow, you know – the usual! I tried calling him two days ago, and there was a message saying that calls can not be connected, so my last resort was to send him a message via good ole Facebook. And he replied pretty much straight away, which was a relief. He said that he’s been going through some personal things – the kind of things that make you re-evaluate your life and what you want out of it, but he said he knows he should have told me before. He also said that he has been thinking of me, which is nice, but then I shouldn’t really get too happy, because it depends on what he was thinking, which might not be nice, considering he’s thinking about what he does and doesn’t want in life.

We spoke on the phone later in the evening (he gave me an alternative number to call), and it was nice to hear his voice. I know he was tired as hell though, even though he kept denying it. I don’t know when I’ll speak to him again, or even see him. I haven’t seen him since he spent the night at my house, and that was nearly a month ago! I don’t know. I’ll just have to hang back and see what happens. I know (and you know) what I’d like, but he says he doesn’t, so there’s nothing I can do for now really, is there?

Hair Yesterday, Gone Today

Dear Anyone,

I have made an attempt at revamping my ‘image’ and I went for the snip yesterday. Nope - not a vasectomy, I had my hair cut short. I quite like it too! It wasn’t exactly what was in the photo I took to the salon with me, but it’s still cool. My cousin Wonder came too and got hers done, but she was about 90% pleased with it. Strangely enough, my hair ended up looking exactly the way she wanted hers, and hers looked the way my second choice was. I hope it won’t take too much maintenance, because that’s exactly what I’m trying to avoid.

So let’s think of it as me cutting my previous problems away with my hair. Hopefully a new look means new opportunities – especially job-wise!

And If The Shoe Doesn't Fit...

Dear Anyone,

This is probably going to sound a bit strange, especially to those who read this and know me, but sometimes I feel as though I don’t fit in with my friends. I don’t really know why, and it’s weird. There are six of us in my immediate group of friends. Three of them are in long-term, stable relationships, and the other two aren’t, but they are deeply into fashion. Actually I’d say that the other three are also quite into fashion. I don’t fall into either of those categories. If you’ve been reading this blog then I think it’s evident that I have no man, and when it comes to fashion - designer brands bore me, probably because I can’t afford them, and they don’t really cater for me.

I think I realised it this evening when we had a girls night outing to watch the ‘Sex & the City’ movie. I thought it was good, but slightly depressing, and not as ‘wow’ as the rest of the girls found it. I felt like it catered to everyone else I was with, because they can probably relate to it better than me, since they have men who blatantly love them, and have all experienced love. I can’t say the same for myself. And for the ones who aren’t currently in love, they ‘love love’ so are constantly coo-ing over couples and romance. I find it hard, because I wish it was me. But I digress.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my friends to bits! I’m so glad they’re my friends, but sometimes I feel like such a ‘nobody’ when I’m with them. I can’t find a way to explain it. Like I’m so underdeveloped and immature, and yet I’m the oldest of the group!

So basically it’s not a problem with them, it’s a problem with me. I’m not looking for advice from you or anything, because I know it’s up to me to find out what will make me happy. Maybe I should ask Muscle what makes him so chipper all day long. Honestly – he’s like a walking Disney rep!

Move On Up

Dear Anyone,

I would just like to say that things are progressing nicely with Muscle. He stayed over last night, after meeting me from work and going to get something to eat ( I was starving). It was me who invited him to come home with me, but it didn't take a lot of persuasion!

I don't know what he's looking for from me yet though, because I haven't asked. I've established that he hasn't got a girlfriend (and I swear that's a first for me, because I only really meet losers who do) and he's established that I don't have a boyfriend, but I didn't ask what it is between us, because for now I'm just going to enjoy it. I know what deadline I've given myself to clarify whether I'm wasting my time or not, so it's all in hand. But I have to say that I do like him, and he is someone I could see myself with for many reasons, including the fact that I think I could learn a lot from him, and even experience things I never would have though of before. So all I ask for from you is your best wishes.

Smells Like No Team Spirit

Dear Anyone,

There was a bit of drama at work today. Well that might be a slight exaggeration, but our team leader called an emergency, off-the-record meeting, because she was made aware of a box of paperwork that had been hidden by someone and found by another, and no one will own up to it, so now she's kind of lost faith in us as a group. I can tell you in no uncertain terms that it definitely was not me. I try to get involved in boring paper filing as little as possible. Because of that, she doesn't want us to go ahead with the proposed team night out to the O2 Centre next week, because she's just not feeling it. It's a pity really, but at the same time I don't mind, because it saves money, and I guess it leaves my Friday night free... even though I'll now finish late anyway, but what's new eh?

Just in case you're wondering, I'm still bang on the job hunting, but I think I'll be experiencing a minor setback, as our internet at home has gone off... Grrr...

Pain In The Arse

Dear Anyone,

Today I returned to work after a week off sick. I'm not embarassed to say it, I had a abscess on my bum bum, and it has to be the most painful thing I think I've ever experienced. The pain started gradually about 3 weeks ago, but I thought it was just the recurring ache I get in my coccyx, as a result of a rollerskating accident I had as a child. When I went to my GP he was only too happy to tell me that I've diagnosed myself correctly. Lazy bastards. But it got worse and worse, so last week Saturday I had to go to A&E, because I could barely walk, and I couldn't sit. The doctor there told me it was the beginnings of an abscess, so she prescribed some antibiotics (the answer to everything it seems). I spent the whole weekend lying on my stomach, because I couldn't sit or walk. It was awful. And to add insult to injury, the weather was beautiful and I missed it all! And to add a slap to the insult added to the injury, my monthly visitor decided to come a wreak more havoc. You know when you want to just wail like a baby,because you think it'll make everything better? That's how I felt. But don't worry, I didn't.

One good thing happened though - Muscle came to visit me. It was so sweet of him, and I felt a bit bad because I didn't go and see him when he had the flu the week before. Luckily he came the day after the nasty abscess had burst, so I was slightly more mobile. He'd had a day crammed full of things to do, but he still made time for me, and I thank him for it. Twas nice.

I feel a lot better now, but I'm still a teeny bit fragile in that area, so if you see me don't pat me on the arse, as much as I know you'd want to...

'L' is for Loser

Dear Anyone,

Last night I found out what is more than likely the 'situation' that Bumper has been meaning to tell me about for the past two months. I'm not going to reveal my sources, but silly boys who think themselves 'players' need to realise that London is a very VERY small place. The long and short of it is that the mother of his daughter is due to give birth to their second child any time soon, after which they'll be getting married. I'm not going to go on about this because, to be extremely honest, I'm past caring. But can I just point out that I did ask him whether he was getting married, and he said no. And can I also say that I hate greedy, selfish guys who unnecessarily choose to keep information from you, thus ultimately making the decision about what happens between you. In this case he could have told me this a long, long time ago, and it wouldn't have meant anything to me. But instead he chose to withhold that bit of news and carry on as though he was a single man. It didn't have to go as far as us going out, but I thank the good Lord that that's as far as it went. Good luck to him, because he's going to need it.

First Base...

Dear Anyone,

Kissed at last! Kissed at last! Thank God Almighty - we've kissed at last!!! And it was gooooooood.

Muscle came to my house this morning, and I'm still a bit giddy from the visit, so you'll have to excuse me. We've been texting regularly(ish), and on Thursday I asked him if he'd like to meet up on Sunday if he had no plans, but unfortunately he did, so I didn't see him. He called me last night, while on his way to stay over at his friend's house, and he said that we should definitely meet up this week, since tonight (Sunday) didn't work out, so I was cool with that.

Then this morning he text me, and strangely enough I was awake early, because it was so bright outside (and I have no curtains in my room.... yet), and he basically said that if it's okay with me, he'll pass through and visit me on his way home from his friend's place. If it's okay with me indeed.... of course it's okay!!! He got to mine at about 10.30ish, and a couple of minutes later my mum also arrived home from work, so I called her into my room and introduced them. It was nice that he didn't mind. It shows a level of maturity that I haven't seen on a guy in a long time. Most of them think you're trying to get them to marry you, just because you've brought them into your world. It's also no longer about me trying to sneak guys into the house anymore. I'm far too old for that juvenile crap now. As long as I'm upfront, the nosy, noisy family will leave me be.

So anyway, I'm sure he was feeling a bit frisky... or maybe that was just me (heh heh) but we stayed in my room for the duration of his visit... getting to know each other a bit better (nudge nudge, wink wink). He's lovely. And he smelled nice. And that body.... Gaaaaadayum! Mmmm. Mmm. Mmm. Sorry.

I don't know what he's looking for from me, but I'm also not about to ask that yet. Of course I'd love it if he was looking for something meaningful like I am, but I have a feeling that he is very busy with trying to establish himself career-wise. Not that something like that should be a reason not to get involved with someone, because unless you're with a needy, unreasonable person, if you really want it to work, you can make that happen.

Anyway I'm going to carry on working now, and by 'work' I mean daydream and reminisce at the office....

Faboo dahling!

Dear Anyone,

Yesterday I returned from a fabulous weekend in the South of France. Ooh get me! Ten of us went to Cannes for a friend's 30th birthday, and it was maaarvelous dahling. We took a trip to Monaco on the Saturday, and had planned to go to St Tropez on Sunday, but we were told that it wouldn't be worth it, because most shops would be closed. The weather was great on all days (even though prior research showed that we were to expect good weather on only one day), the people were friendly (unlike those in Barcelona), and most importantly there was no drama or major disagreements between any of the girls.

Initially SP and I thought that there might be, because one of the girls who travelled with us is an ex-friend of ours. We fell out with her about three years ago, when we'd heard of some stupid, childish things she had been saying to other people. She's someone who is hard work. A 'high maintenance' diva, whose issues growing up have made her into a woman with the typical 'only child' syndrome. I was looking forward to the trip partly because I was going on holiday, and partly because I was intrigued with what it would be like between us. And I have to say... it was exactly how I thought it would be. We were all civil to each other. There wasn't any full on conversation between myself and her or SP and her, but if someone made a joke, we'd laugh, if one asked a question that the other knew the answer to, it would be answered - that sort of thing. It would be unrealistic to expect us to be friends again, but we are all adults... some in our 30s now... and if we went expecting there to be arguements and screaming matches, then we really wouldn't have matured at all in all this time.

That aside, I had a very good long weekend, and once again I'm depressed to be back at work... but that's a whole other complaint. We'll keep this post happy and cheery.

Patience Is A Virtue (Or So I've Been Told)

Dear Anyone,

So... I haven't really spoken to Muscle this week, and I'd really like to meet up this weekend, so what do I do?? The last time I saw him (alone) was last Wednesday. I'd called him just to say hello and there was no answer, but then he called me back about an hour later and said that he wasn't far from where I work, so he could come and meet me. Who would say no to such an offer, eh? Not me. We met at the train station, grabbed a snack, and then he escorted me most of my way home. Twas very sweet of him. And he smelt beautiful! He asked me when he's going to see where I live, and I told him "soon." If he only knew how unfit my room is for visitors!! But it is definitely a kick-up-the-bum incentive for me to sort it out and redecorate.

Now I'm kinda feeling a bit...peckish. I'd like to see him again. I'm tempted to call him, but I called last time, and you're supposed to let the guy do the chasing, right? What do you think I should do?

Life Is Far Too Short

Dear Anyone,

One of my brother's friend's passed away from leukaemia yesterday. He was only 29. I can't believe it. I didn't even know him, I've only met him twice, but he seemed like a really nice guy. The first time I'd met him it was at a club and he recognised me (I don't know how!), so he came over and introduced himself as my brother's friend, and said that if I want a drink or anything I should just let him know and he'll look after me, because my brother is a very good friend of his. My friends and I thought it was so funny, because it's as if my brother is some kind of celebrity! That's not the first time that something like that has happened to me concerning him.

It's so sad. My brother was only with him a couple of days ago, because they went to sort out the guy's passport. He wanted to travel in the little time he had left, but then he developed a cold sore which then spread all over his face. I feel really sorry for my brother, because as far as I know he is the fourth friend that my brother has lost. The other three all died in the same year; one died in a car crash they were all in, one was stabbed to death by his brother, and the other (who was my brother's best friend) died in a motorbike accident. That one was the worst because it was such a shock. My brother and I haven't really been close for many years, but at that time I just wanted to hug him.

It's things like this that make me want to just do what I can to make myself happy, because you just never know...

You Wait Ages For One Bus...

.......... and about three come along at once! I had another date with Muscle on Saturday, and this time we went to the cinema. I spent the weekend at my cousin Wonder's house, so we went to an area in North London that's much closer to him. It was another nice evening, even though the film was quite shite. There was a lot more 'physical bonding' between us - meaning he put his arm around me as soon as we sat on the bus, and throughout the film, and he was stroking me (and trying to be a lil naughty) and even while we waited for my bus back, we stood in an embrace. (Sigh). Twas nice. I do like him. BUT WE STILL HAVEN'T BLOODY KISSED YET. Sorry... I just had to let that out. I'm ok now. I was sure it would happen that night. I mean, come on, the cinema is a prime location for a kiss, isn't it??? Or has it been so long for me that I'm missing something? I refuse to say anything or be the one to make the first move (God forbid!!!). So I'm just going to have to be my usual strong self, and just....run home and snog my pillow instead!

On Sunday I went to a family event that Undeserving invited me to, which was the reason I was staying at Wonder's place - I dragged her with me. I was actually quite flattered that he invited me to be honest, because I wouldn't have expected it. It was quite good - good music and (some) food and (lots of) drink. I saw a couple of familiar faces, and he'd also invited a couple of the girls I have my suspicions about, but I didn't really care, because I think I'm on to something better. But true to form, at the end of the night when I went to say 'bye' to him, he whispered: "You gonna come home with me?" All I could do was laugh really, and I asked him if he'd forgotten that I didn't come alone, and he said "So? You could bring your cousin for my brother." Then he started laughing, because he knows he'd never seriously say that to me. I told him that we weren't sure how we were getting home, and he basically organised a lift for us with one of his friends, which was actually nice of him. That's why he's so confusing - he doesn't mean any harm, but he just does some really stupid things sometimes, and you can't understand why.

When we got home, I called him to say 'thank you' and he kept on saying that he's coming over to see me, as soon as he drops some things off at his mum's house. I knew he wouldn't, so I just humoured him and said 'ok.' Wonder was getting excited, because for some strange reason she likes all that she's heard about him. Whenever I called her to rant about him, she practically always took his side. Nutter. Anyway, he didn't end up coming over, even though he called about three more times to say that he's coming soon. In the end his reason was that he wasn't driving because he'd been drinking, and when he got home he had visitors (or something). Then on Monday afternoon he called me asking if I'd like some of the cake from the party. Who am I to say no to cake? But I didn't get to have my cake or eat it, because once again he never made it, giving the same excuses as usual. Yawn. He asked me if I'm going to come and see him during the week (it's his birthday today actually) and I said I can't, but I didn't really give a reason why. I don't know why he forces it. I didn't ask to see him. I haven't seen him since the beginning of February, so really it's fine. I'm cool, but thanks for the offer.

Then we have a guy called Romeo, who I met and had a brief 'involvement' with two years ago. He is basically a complete male-slag. He doesn't know that I know so much about him and his many women and many children. He's one of those who I'm sure doesn't actually know how many kids he has. We stopped seeing each other after about 3 months, and during my chat with him on Instant Messenger yesterday he admitted it was because he had started sleeping with one of his exes again, and that he was enjoying being with me a little too much. When men say that foolishness I can't understand it. If something is so good, why would you not want it to continue??? I can only assume he meant that he knows I deserve better, because all he would end up doing is hurting me. But I believe God is looking out for me, because he is not someone I could contemplate having a 'proper' relationship with. I'd be embarassed in front of the mutual friends we have who know what he's like.

So yesterday we had one of those honest conversations, where I was just questioning him about when he's going to sort his love life out and start being serious. For the past few weeks he's been asking me to come and see him, or suggesting that he could come to mine, but unfortunately for him I'm just not interested anymore. Yesterday he said it again, but put it in a way as to say 'one for the road,' because he'll be behaving himself as of next Tuesday. Guys make me laugh. They obviously think that once you've liked them, you'll like them forever. God forbid you should have moved on! So just to keep him happy I told him that I'd let him know on Thursday if I'll come round or not. Ha - he can wonder if Thursday will ever come....