First Of The Mid-30s

Dear Anyone,


Today I have entered what I consider to be the first year of my mid-30s.... I am 34... I'm not sure how long it's going to take for me to get used to saying that. I was still 29 when I started writing to you. That sounds like light-years ago!!


Nevertheless, I am thankful to God that I have been able to make it this far, when I know others haven't, and I'm not going to set any goals and all that jazz, I'm just going to take everything as it comes.


Now I'm off to get ready for drinky-drinks with my peeps! CHEERS! *clink*

I Think...

Dear Anyone,

Recently my friend SP said something that got me thinking (which you'll find ironic after you hear what it was).  She said that the problem with me is that I over-think things.  When I get the idea to do something, I think it over and over until I practically talk myself out of it.  I kinda get the impression that it's getting on her nerves.  She's not lying though.

I've realised that what I do, and I'm pretty sure I've mentioned it before, is that I jump straight into the reasons why an idea won't work, instead of just crossing that bridge when I come to it.  I've been thinking about it (there I go again) and it's probably to do with a fear of failure.  Sometimes I think that if it's not realistic for me to achieve something, then there's not point in starting it.  I know that's not a good way to think, and I don't know how many opportunities I may have missed, so I'm going to do my best to stop.


Of course I'll let you know how that goes... I think... (Joke).

Never The Bridesmaid, Never The Bride

Dear Anyone,

Remember when I declared that today will be the day I get married? Yeah, so do I. Yet I'm at home alone, watching the X Factor, having just finished eating dinner for one. You've just got to love the notion of thinking positively and putting 'it' out there to the 'universe' eh?

I have no man news, I haven't been on any dates, I'm no closer to marriage. But I have made two decisions: 1) I no longer have a date I want to get married. If it ever happens, then hey. 2) I'm no longer entertaining any guy from my past. We'll be friends and friends only. None of them serve any productive purpose really. So there you go...

For now I'll live vicariously through other people's happiness. One of my close friends is getting married next year, so I'll share in that excitement as she plans the wedding. People I know (and know of) are getting hitched and having babies all over the place, so I'll just share in their happinesses too. Yes - happinesses. In the meantime I'll just continue to do Me, whoever Me is..

Which leads me on to recent thoughts I've been having. It has been eight months since I quit my job in pursuit of my chosen career, and thus far it has been pretty much a non-starter. I've been temping at the same place since March, and though I appreciate that making the money has been a great help, I refuse to get stuck there. But I'm also starting to wonder what I really want to do in life, because it feels like everything and nothing. I'd like to do a make-up course and make money as a freelance make-up artist, but I'd also like to live and work in NYC for a little while, but I'd also like to live and work in Barbados for a little while, but I'd also like to find a proper writing job, but I'd also like to be a freelance writer with jobs that allow me to travel, but I'd also like to meet a guy and settle down into family life... I don't know what I want to do and what I should work towards! I'm tired. I swear, if I met a guy with plenty of money, who I liked enough and he wanted to keep me, I probably wouldn't say no. And I've never really been that kinda chick.

Help me Anyone, what should I do??

Much Ado About Not Much at All

Dear Anyone,

I know I haven't updated you since February, and usually I feel bad about it, and quite slack, but right now it's 'whatever.' Why? Because I have nothing new or exciting to report.

You've probably been thinking that I've been in a loved-up haven with X, and therefore had no time to fill you in, but come on - you should know me by now! If I want it, it won't happen! X pretty much disappeared after our second date, which has been completely baffling to me, because as far as I'm concerned the second date went nicely. It was a week after the first and I went to his place to watch movies. There was only a little kissing, but he was quite affectionate otherwise. Then I didn't hear from him for about three days, and when he eventually sent me a message, he said that his phone had been cut off and was only just restored. Then the following week he messaged me again to say that he was going to Manchester in the morning (which I knew he would be doing as part of his Masters) and thanked me for meeting him, and being me, and that he wasn't saying goodbye, instead "hasta la vista baby, but I'll be back". Now for those of you who failed miserably at Geography, Manchester is another city, but still part of the United Kingdom, so whatever mobile phone tariff you have, the call charges will be the same whether you call me while still in London or from another part of England. Or Scotland. Or Wales even. So why this guy was behaving as though he was moving back to Nigeria, is totally beyond me. Suffice to say I haven't heard from him since the end of February. I was really disappointed at first, not because I was that much into him, but because he had such potential. We got on really well straight away, he was good looking, funny, blah blah blah, and he kinda got me feeling slightly optimistic. Then as quickly as he arrived, he left. So there you go.

Two of my friends got engaged recently and at their engagement party I saw Boy Wonder. He was very tactile with me, very flirty for all around us to see, and it made me think about him and live in hope for about a week and a half afterwards, but then this week I heard a guy say something in conversation to the effect of; you and everyone else may think you're a GOOD woman for a man, but if he hasn't made you his woman, then he doesn't think you're the RIGHT woman for him. Duh me - that's exactly what is happening here! And I know I've said it before, but this time I mean it - I am no longer going to try and read into or understand anything about Boy Wonder and his actions towards me, until I hear something from the horse's mouth. If I don't then I'll just have to deal with it like everything else. A litte while ago I was feeling extremely negative about about how my love life will pan out, and I'm not saying this for attention (because if you know me you know that I don't handle too much attention very well) but I honestly don't see myself getting married or simply being someone's girlfriend or fiancee. I'm already 33. I know everything happens in God's time, but chances are God doesn't want me to be with someone or have kids. Maybe being single is how I'll make my riches. Maybe I'll write a bestseller about my experiences. Who knows eh? Still, we plod along as usual.

Work-wise things are going quite slowly on the writing front. I've had a few offers given to me by mouth, but none have really come to fruition yet. I'm currently temping in the west-end with one of my friends, and of course the work is boring, but the people are nice so it's bearable. It was supposed to be for three months, ending this month, but they keep giving me more tasks, which is good wage-wise, because my friends and I are going to Barbados again this year (and I'll be fully excited once I've paid it off), but I refuse to get stuck in another dead-end job. I need a career. So along we plod...

I really need some excitement, and I am hoping that I can come back to you with some good news for once, and not complain about the same ole same ole - trust me, even I'm bored of myself!!

Will X Mark The Spot?

Dear Anyone,

You know how I have been saying (or at least thinking) that I'd really like to go on a date soon? Well I did last night!

Let me give you a little background: We'll call him X. He sent me a random message on Facebook about three months ago, saying how beautiful I was, yadda yadda, so I clicked on his profile to see that we had my friend Shar as a mutual friend, so naturally I asked her about him. She said that they only spoke, nothing happened between them, but that he's a really cool guy, and I should see what he's saying. So I decided to indulge him in his conversations, but I wasn't being very eager, because I thought he was being a bit corny. I didn't add him as a friend until I came back from Ghana, then the following week I gave him my phone number, and he called me three days later. He's very easy-going, easy to talk to, constantly complimenting me, and we were joking with each other pretty much straight away (on the phone).

We finally managed to agree on a day to meet for the first date, which was yesterday. I was excited about finally being taken out, but I think more than that I was intrigued about meeting him, and it turned out to be totally cool! I met him in Finchley Road, and we went to a bar in West Hampstead. It was really nice, he made me laugh a lot. We had a couple of drinks, spoke about his thesis for the Master's degree he's studying for, places we have lived, music, we people-watched; it was all very comfortable and there was no awkwardness. I think it helped that we've chatted a bit on the phone for a couple of weeks before meeting. As much as I would like to meet and be with someone, I am a person who likes to take the time to get to know them and be comfortable first.

When the bar closed, we took a quick trip to his apartment, because he had to "quickly get something." Don't worry, I fully took the piss out of him and told him that I know his game. He has a very nice place though. We stayed for about 20 mins while he checked his emails or something, so I spent the time updating my girls on the evening. Afterwards he dropped me home, and I won't lie... I allowed a kiss. It wasn't a deep kiss, but it was nice enough for me to feel how soft his lips were and only right since I had been looking at them for most of the evening... That's my story and I'm sticking to it!!

So... there we go... I had a good time, and I guess as per usual we shall watch this space...

It's Written In The Stars... Apparently

Dear Anyone,

I received a press release today on behalf of Russell Grant (www.russellgrant.com), the famed British astrologer, and this is apparently what 2011 has in store for me as a Capricorn:

Unless you are careful, your love life could be eclipsed by your professional success in 2011. (Woohoo!). While you'll attract plenty of admirers, it will be difficult to find someone who is worthy of you. (This explains the bad choices I've been making!). Beware of opportunists who desire your company for fame, money or status. (Me??) You're sure to attract lots of admiring glances throughout February, when your sex appeal will be at an all time high. (Glances don't equal Valentine's treats). Still, any dates you go on in the first five months of the year won't emit sparks. (Then what's the bloody point??). You may embark on a promising affair between early June and the end of the year, but try to keep things casual. This isn't the year to make serious commitment. (Well, that shoots my desire to get married in August to shit..) Still you can have lots of fun with your other half, especially if you team up with a velvet-voiced sensualist. (Que?) Although their lifestyle may seem extravagant to you, the two of you share a deep appreciation for the finer things in life. If you're already in a relationship, schedule a romantic break for two in December.


Well.... I don't know whether it's a good or bad thing that I don't believe in horoscopes...

That's The End Of That Then..

Dear Anyone,

I've been in two minds about reporting this, because... really... well... it's no biggie to be honest. But for the sake of keeping you up to speed: I was chatting to Muscle on Facebook the other day, and he kinda threw into the conversation that he's seeing someone now. My stomach did a little flip for a second, and obviously a million questions and thoughts went through my mind, a few of them cuss words (after all I am a human with feelings!) but at the end of the day, it is what it is. I know I said I was leaving him in 09 and I kind of did in that I wasn't going to be pursuing anything with him, but... you know...

Oh well, I guess it just wasn't meant to be me...

Along I plod...

Dreams Can Come True (Really?!)

Dear Anyone,


I had a dream about Boy Wonder last night, and it was so vivid and real, that when I woke up I was slightly confused as to where I was (still in Ghana). Before your mind runs away with you, the dream wasn't in the slightest bit dirty. It was just one of those where he was being really sweet and gentlemanly, and all I really remember was that we were at an event and I had to leave, so he walked with me to the tube station, and even paid for a ticket so that he could wait on the platform with me (?). Weird, I know.


Now it has kinda taken me back to that funk where I start wondering when it's gonna happen for me. I won't bore you with the same ole same ole moaning. There are a couple of guys who have shown interest in me, but I'm just not feeling them like that, and I won't force myself to either.

A couple months ago I was supposed to go on a second date with Angelfish, and this was after messenger conversations here and there, where he had seemed to discover the art of flirting. It didn't actually do that much for me, but I gave him 'B' for effort. This was also after he had posted a status saying: "Sorry I don't do chasing", which I then asked him about. He said he was referring to women, so I told him that there is a difference between 'chasing' and 'making an effort'. He then changed his status to: "Sorry I don't do chasing, but I do make an effort". Bull. Anyway, we'd agreed to meet on a Friday evening, and he asked me what I wanted to do, so I said maybe a restaurant or cinema. He suggested a bar near his place (which is in the extreme north of London and I'm south) and said that if I get wasted I'm welcome to stay over at his, because he has a spare room. Since I wasn't just born the day before, I politely declined that offer and suggested we meet somewhere a little more central to both our locations, and he said he'd find somewhere. All good so far. Then four days before the date, I received this message:

"Hi been thinking and it has come to light the distance between us is going to be an issue so maybe we should leave Friday, as from a relationship perspective I can see this being a problem. Hopefully we can be cool on messenger?"

I simply replied: "Wow, ok fine."

All you can do is laugh really. Who said anything about a relationship?? This would have been the SECOND date. I can't say I was upset, all I could think was that I could see why he's single. He's difficult, not as easy-going as he thinks he is. So lo-and-behold I received this message from him yesterday:

"Hi just wanted to apologise for throwing a childish tamp in regards to us meeting up a few weeks back."

I simply replied: "It's cool, don't worry about it." I just hope he doesn't suggest we try and rearrange, because that ain't happening love. I will not be forcing something that is not there.

At this rate I might have to live vicariously through my dreams, because they don't seem to want to come true any time soon!