Dear Anyone,
I went on a date with Muscle last night, and it was a really nice evening. You're probably wondering how that came about, since I haven't really mentioned him recently, but we've been in contact a lot recently and we agreed to go out at some point before I travel on Christmas day. And because he knows a lot more places than I do, I left it to him to decide where to go.
When I spoke to him during the day he told me that his Plan A fell through, so he's working on Plan B which might be the theatre. All good with me! Then a couple of hours later when we spoke again, we arranged to meet in north London at 7pm. I was about four minutes late, he was about 40 minutes late. Tut tut *shakes head*. He looked hot though!! Black shirt, black trousers, black and white tie, black waistcoat, and a long black coat, it more than made up for my waiting, I tell ya. I felt underdressed! Unfortunately his plans for the theatre also didn't work out, so we did the classic dinner and a movie date. I've never done that before, so it was really nice. We ate at a Mexican restaurant, but because I had just come from a birthday lunch I wasn't able to eat much, so I only had a starter. We also has a jug of a really nice cocktail called 'Mexican Mai Tai' which I picked at random. The choice was so vast, so Muscle told me to pick a number between 1-45 (and I chose 25, one of my favourite numbers - I don't know why), and it was a good choice.
After eating we planned on finding a bar, but when we walked past the cinema we made an impromptu decision to see a film instead. We chose 'The Day The Earth Stood Still' - not at all my kind of movie, but please, a couple of hours in the dark with Muscle and you think you'll hear me complaining?? No sirree Bob. He's a very physically affectionate guy, and that's how we were throughout the film. It was nice. The film was a bit longer than we thought, so it was quite late when we came out of the cinema, and as a result by the time we got to Kings Cross, I'd missed my last tube home. But no problem - we live in London and you can get home from almost anywhere, so Muscle escorted me to the bus stop where I could catch a bus straight to Victoria. Because the bus came so quickly, there was only a departing hug and nothing more... well I was hoping that was why anyway...
I took a taxi home from Victoria, partly because I was tired and other part was because I was tired. The driver was really friendly and he asked where I was coming from, so I told him I had a date, and when I mentioned that I wasn't sure where it was going, we got into a conversation about how complex creatures men are, and nothing is really straight-forward for them. So with that in mind, when Muscle text me to ask if I was home yet, I replied and then asked him whether what he'd told me earlier in the year still stands, e.g, whether I should stop myself from liking him because it's going nowhere, or whether we are going to try this dating thing and see where it goes. I prayed SO hard while I was waiting for his response. But when it came and I read it, a small part of me was not in the least bit surprised, and a large chunk of me was extremely disheartened. He said that he is more or less in the same place as before, but he 'craves me physically' and is enjoying my company. Basically he is attracted to me, but only really wants to have sex with me. What a bloody surprise.
Today I'm feeling quite.........shit, really. I feel like nothing is going right for me. Part of it is to do with Bravo The Fraud and the MTV job, but obviously most of it is to do with Muscle. It's not right to go for someone who doesn't tick your boxes, and yet when you do find that person, they still don't want you. Why am I considered such a cool, down-to-earth chick, but not good enough to be a girlfriend? Why is it just the physical guys see? How come other people can just wake up, trip on their slippers and just fall into a relationship, while I try and try and get nowhere. I'm so sick of it all. I might as well put up with Undeserving Tod, who I haven't seen for over a month, and not spoken to for over a week. I actually burst into tears when I was in my room earlier, and I don't know where it even came from. I'm just fed up of being unhappy, and I feel like when I try to help myself I end up back at square one. What am I supposed to do???! Positive thinking and visualising the things you want is all bullshit. You're just setting yourself up for a fall. Well I know I am. But I'm not going to go into it, because you've heard it all from me before. Maybe it's a good thing I'm travelling on Thursday, but then again it won't make a blind bit of difference, because I'm still coming back to nothing.
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