Another One Bites The Dust

Dear Anyone,

You know what? I think I should pack my things, leave home, and move into Square One, because I find myself coming back here frequently. I obviously like it here. No matter what happens to me, somehow I always end up popping in to see what's going on in Square One.

Once again I’m talking about men. Muscle in particular. I spoke to him last night, and got the gist on what is going on with us. Basically nothing. I have finally asked him what I’ve wanted to know for a while, and well, it’s kind of what I was expecting to hear, even though a part of me (actually a lot of me) was hoping he’d prove me wrong. He told me that due to recent circumstances that have allowed him to re-evaluate his life; a relationship isn’t what he’s looking for right now. He wants to have fun, travel and discover who he really is. I think the reason I already knew what the answer would be, is because when we spoke via emails last week and I asked him when he would see my new hairstyle in person, he said that he doesn’t know, because he doesn’t know when he will be in my area next. That cemented it for me really, because ordinarily if you wanted to see someone, you wouldn’t need a reason to go, you’d just go. He told me that I’m a lovely, lovely, sexy woman and I shouldn’t change that, but he doesn’t want to end up hurting me, and he wanted to make sure that we’re still cool. Of course we are. I’m not even angry with him, because he was so polite and articulate with it, and I definitely don’t think he’s making excuses – I believe him. I’m just wondering whether he would have told me if I hadn’t asked... and how long he's known that he wasn't interested anymore...

I was fine with it last night, to be honest. I wasn’t shell-shocked or anything. We were on the phone for just over an hour and a half, and it was cool. But it’s been on my mind all day today, and I’ve been feeling quite crap really. It’s natural with me though, that’s what I do. I'm not angry, I'm a little bit upset, but mainly disappointed, because as you know, I thought I'd met someone very promising. And I think my negative energy today has spread, because I’ve developed a hole in my trousers that has grown during the course of the day, and I’ve lost my work pass. I’ve been feeling really pissy all day.

I can’t help but wonder: if I’m so lovely, why do I keep attracting the same situations? It’s always the “it’s not you, it’s me type” things, and I’m a little tired of it. It makes me think that maybe I shouldn’t go for what I want. Maybe I should go for the opposite. Maybe that’s what God wants for me. First it was Boy Wonder, then Muscle. Boy Wonder told me a similar thing a couple of weeks ago when I asked why he hadn’t used my number; he wants to focus on his studies, and he’s not in the right place. I haven't even really thought about it for ages. I kept my promise - he didn't call, so I no longer harped on it. SP reckons that all this means is that 'He' (the guy I'm seeking) is coming really soon, because I've met some who seem to fit the bill, but for whatever reason it hasn't worked out. I don't know man. I kinda disagree. It rather feels like someone is dangling carrots, and having fun watching me jump up and down like an Ass trying to catch them. Sometimes I think that guys build up this image of relationships as though they are the worst, most time-consuming things they could ever imagine entering into. All I say is good luck to them.

So here I am. Back in this square called ‘One’. But it’s ok; I bear no ill-feelings toward Muscle at all. I really like him, he's a lovely guy, and I truly hope he finds what he’s looking for that will make him happy, but it obviously ain't me.

Where was Waldo?

Dear Anyone,

I spoke to Muscle last night for the first time in about a week and a half. He’d disappeared!! Well not literally… But I hadn’t heard from him the whole time, and at first I thought it was because he was as busy as ever, so I didn’t think too much of it. But when it went past a week, I kind of started to think… things. You know me. I thought maybe he wasn’t interested anymore, or I had offended him somehow, you know – the usual! I tried calling him two days ago, and there was a message saying that calls can not be connected, so my last resort was to send him a message via good ole Facebook. And he replied pretty much straight away, which was a relief. He said that he’s been going through some personal things – the kind of things that make you re-evaluate your life and what you want out of it, but he said he knows he should have told me before. He also said that he has been thinking of me, which is nice, but then I shouldn’t really get too happy, because it depends on what he was thinking, which might not be nice, considering he’s thinking about what he does and doesn’t want in life.

We spoke on the phone later in the evening (he gave me an alternative number to call), and it was nice to hear his voice. I know he was tired as hell though, even though he kept denying it. I don’t know when I’ll speak to him again, or even see him. I haven’t seen him since he spent the night at my house, and that was nearly a month ago! I don’t know. I’ll just have to hang back and see what happens. I know (and you know) what I’d like, but he says he doesn’t, so there’s nothing I can do for now really, is there?

Hair Yesterday, Gone Today

Dear Anyone,

I have made an attempt at revamping my ‘image’ and I went for the snip yesterday. Nope - not a vasectomy, I had my hair cut short. I quite like it too! It wasn’t exactly what was in the photo I took to the salon with me, but it’s still cool. My cousin Wonder came too and got hers done, but she was about 90% pleased with it. Strangely enough, my hair ended up looking exactly the way she wanted hers, and hers looked the way my second choice was. I hope it won’t take too much maintenance, because that’s exactly what I’m trying to avoid.

So let’s think of it as me cutting my previous problems away with my hair. Hopefully a new look means new opportunities – especially job-wise!