Dear Anyone,
I've been thinking a lot lately about what purpose my life is supposed to serve, and I've decided that I'm probably one of life's drifters. Trying this and that, but not especially successful in any specific area. This conclusion is based on how my life has been thus far, in all areas. Nothing has been solid or consistent. Basically a Jill Of All Trades, Mistress Of None.
Ok, let's firstly address the elephant in the room; the fact that I haven't updated you for about six months. That's basically because I have nothing major to report. I'm now 35 and-a-half, with not much to show for it. I'm still talking to Knight, I still really like him, he still hasn't made it over to London yet, but is still apparently coming very soon, so I still have no solid romantic relationship to speak of. I'm still in no sort of career job... in fact I haven't worked properly for months, so I'm still broke as hell, and if you don't hear from me after this post, it's because the financial demands of this summer have killed me. I've been trying to keep motivated by writing about topics I'm interested in, and hoping it leads to something significant, but it hasn't as yet. Early days I guess.
It's pretty much all of this that has led me to feel more and more and more, as time goes on, that I won't have a purpose until I have a child. If Knight finally makes it here and many things lead to others and he happens to leave a deposit in my womb, I have to admit that I'll probably be excited about it. Even if I died in childbirth (God forbid) at least I would have left some sort of legacy in the form of my offspring. Before you come with the "being a mum is hard work" spiel, I'm well aware of that fact, I'm not naive. Let's be real - I don't particularly harbour any desires to be an entrepreneur, I just want to do what I enjoy and make enough money from it to be happy. I don't have dreams of having my own office and staff and all that. Maybe I'm lazy, but right now I don't give a shite if you think I am. I can't think of anything I'm passionate about, I just want to be happy to live life. But at this moment, life is not enjoyable. So yeah, I've tried not to put pressure on myself about having kids at this late age, but it's not working, because it's just how I feel. I don't want to be an old mum (bit late for that) and I don't think it's fair for kids to have old parents either. I don't want to be in my 70s and my kids are only in their 20s, that's unfair.
Everyone around me is moving along in life, getting married, having children, being adults, and here I am with the same old story. As much as I've always wanted to do it properly - marriage then kids - that might not be the intention for it to be done in that order in my life, so whatever happens, happens.
Being a drifter isn't necessarily a bad thing though, because it means that if an opportunity to get away from my current life presents itself, I can take it. I'm not attached to anything.
