Tuesday, 20 August 2013

Put Your Hats Away

Dear Everyone,

Sorry for the short notice, but I won't be getting married on this day this year, unfortunately.  This is due to circumstances beyond my control, namely a lack of... well... a fiance.  Apologies to any of you who were quietly hoping that it would still happen, though it's two years overdue.

Maybe next year.

As you were.

Wednesday, 3 July 2013

Drifting

Dear Anyone,

I've been thinking a lot lately about what purpose my life is supposed to serve, and I've decided that I'm probably one of life's drifters.  Trying this and that, but not especially successful in any specific area.  This conclusion is based on how my life has been thus far, in all areas.  Nothing has been solid or consistent.  Basically a Jill Of All Trades, Mistress Of None.

Ok, let's firstly address the elephant in the room; the fact that I haven't updated you for about six months.  That's basically because I have nothing major to report. I'm now 35 and-a-half, with not much to show for it.  I'm still talking to Knight, I still really like him, he still hasn't made it over to London yet, but is still apparently coming very soon, so I still have no solid romantic relationship to speak of.  I'm still in no sort of career job... in fact I haven't worked properly for months, so I'm still broke as hell, and if you don't hear from me after this post, it's because the financial demands of this summer have killed me.  I've been trying to keep motivated by writing about topics I'm interested in, and hoping it leads to something significant, but it hasn't as yet.  Early days I guess.

It's pretty much all of this that has led me to feel more and more and more, as time goes on, that I won't have a purpose until I have a child.  If Knight finally makes it here and many things lead to others and he happens to leave a deposit in my womb, I have to admit that I'll probably be excited about it.  Even if I died in childbirth (God forbid) at least I would have left some sort of legacy in the form of my offspring.  Before you come with the "being a mum is hard work" spiel, I'm well aware of that fact, I'm not naive.  Let's be real - I don't particularly harbour any desires to be an entrepreneur, I just want to do what I enjoy and make enough money from it to be happy.  I don't have dreams of having my own office and staff and all that.  Maybe I'm lazy, but right now I don't give a shite if you think I am.  I can't think of anything I'm passionate about, I just want to be happy to live life.  But at this moment, life is not enjoyable.  So yeah, I've tried not to put pressure on myself about having kids at this late age, but it's not working, because it's just how I feel.  I don't want to be an old mum (bit late for that) and I don't think it's fair for kids to have old parents either.  I don't want to be in my 70s and my kids are only in their 20s, that's unfair.  

Everyone around me is moving along in life, getting married, having children, being adults, and here I am with the same old story.  As much as I've always wanted to do it properly - marriage then kids - that might not be the intention for it to be done in that order in my life, so whatever happens, happens.

Being a drifter isn't necessarily a bad thing though, because it means that if an opportunity to get away from my current life presents itself, I can take it.  I'm not attached to anything.

Monday, 21 January 2013

Date Month

Dear Anyone,

One of my cousins has brought it to my attention that February is the month I meet guys or if I've met or known them prior, February is the month that I go on dates.  Though Sod's Law dictates that those dates are never for Valentine's Day, but whatever.  I thought about what she said, and it's kind of true.

I went on my first (and only) date with Bumper, then found out from elsewhere that he was due to become a father again, as well as get married a couple months later.  Wuss.  Anyway... Then I had another date, less than a week later, but this time with Muscle.  It was a very nice evening, I liked the way he took charge and decided where and what time we were meeting.  My only slight issue was the age old 'who pays on a date?'  

Two years later I was taken on a date by my friend Emperor, which at the time I felt was the best date I'd ever been on.  I've since realised that whenever he flirts with me it's because he's had an argument with his bitch of a girlfriend, but for some reason calls it a break up.  I did think he could be perfect for me, but I've realised that he's just a wuss.

The following February I went on a date with X. He was cute, very easy to talk to and our date was cool, but after a short period of dating, he turned out to be a damp squib.  Gave some story about having to undertake an internship in Manchester, but was behaving like Manchester is a city in Nigeria (where he's from) and we wouldn't be able to keep in contact.

Then last year was when I met and went on dates with Joe.  Four dates within a week, to be exact!  Now the first date definitely rivalled the one with Emperor, because as well as getting 10 out of 10 for chivalry, he presented me with a beautifully delicious chocolate cake with my name on it.  It was snowing that day, but it was like one of those corny nights from a romcom.  I thought he was The One, because we had far too much in common, and it just felt like a meant-to-be situation.  Unfortunately he turned out to be the biggest wuss of the lot.  In fact not a wuss, but a pussy, and I've said previously that I already have one of those, so I don't need another.  Hmm... I'm sensing a theme here that I'm going to have to nip in the bud sharpish!

Now it's 2013, and it will be February in about a week and a half!  I wonder what that will bring... To be honest, judging by the way it's gone so far, I probably shouldn't be hoping for any dates in Feb, because nothing has come of any of the February guys.  Or hopefully, I'm one of those who the number 13 (as in 2013) is 'lucky' for.  Who knows?  Either way... I'll keep you posted...


Sunday, 30 December 2012

A Year Older

Dear Anyone,

To put it simply, I am 35 years-old today.  Thirty-five.  Remember I was 29 when I started writing to you? Now I'm smack bang in the middle of my 30s.  Already.  Wow.

Dear God, please let this be the year everything falls into place.  I am 100% prepared to work alongside you to make it happen, but please just guide me in the right direction, and most of all, please just let me be happy.  In Jesus' name, amen.

Wednesday, 28 November 2012

Inter-continental Love?

Dear Anyone,

Yes yes yes... I know, it's been another long while since I spoke to you.  I don't have a really good excuse to be honest, just that I felt as if things happen, I get hopeful and excited, then they don't happen and I'm back to square one, and I get tired of telling you the same ole same ole, with the same ole same ole results.  But I've been told by more than one person that everything is an experience, everything is still the process of my life, so hey.

So anyway, what's been happening?  Well remember when I said I went to California earlier this year and I was hoping there was a reason to return?  Well it's because I met someone there, but nothing was really said (in that aspect) until I had come back to London.  He's my cousin's (who we stayed with) husband's nephew - let's call him KnightHe's my age, cute, really nice guy.  We met him when there was a BBQ at the house, and he came with his girlfriend.  We all got talking briefly before they had to leave, but we were able to arrange for them to come and take us out to a club later that night.  My cousin Diggy (who I travelled with) reckons it was obvious that he fancied me while we were all out, but to me we were just having cool conversation about music (he's a rapper on the side), London, Ghana, Cali, and just general things.  I didn't get at all that he was attracted to me, mostly because it was so far from my mind, considering his girlfriend was there.  I just thought of him as a new family friend and someone else I can add to my very short list of people I know in America.  He didn't live in the same area that we were staying, but his mum does, so they had come down for a few days.  Where they lived was five hours drive away and they were leaving to go home the next day.  He and I exchanged numbers to keep in contact via instant messenger, and he sent me a message, after they had dropped us back, to say it was nice going out with us and it was a shame we didn't meet earlier (something we had all been saying during the evening, to be honest) because they could have taken us to other places had they known we were there.  They stopped by the house on their way back to their town the following day, and we said we'd keep in touch, etc.

We came back to London a few days later, and there were a messages between Knight and I for the first couple of weeks, then nothing much for the next couple of weeks. Then one day he messaged to say hi and that he was missing us, asking how we were and all that jazz.  That day we literally ended up chatting/messaging for the whole day - from when I had woken up till I went to bed.  It was during those conversations that he admitted that he'd thought I was hot from the moment he saw me, but obviously couldn't say anything, because he was still in a situation.  I was actually surprised, because I really didn't think about it or him in that way at all, but I told him straight away that the fact that he's in a situation means I'll just be flattered by what he's said, and no more.  He told me that their relationship was close to ending, but I still didn't really take it that seriously, because how many times have we heard that from attached guys??  But at the same time I did think that he wouldn't necessarily try and play me, because he knew we have family in common.  He should be verifiable.  Nowadays I don't have a problem letting a guy know that I'm not looking to date for dating's sake, so I told him that if that's what he's looking for from me, then nah.  

Anyway, over the following week we were messaging every day - he'd literally send me a message when he woke up, before starting work, and when he finished work until I went to bed (considering it's an 8-hour time difference).  We kinda got to know each other quite quickly, and our communication started including telephone calls and Skype calls.  He and the girlfriend's relationship had become more like friends apparently (after a few weeks she moved out) and after just over a week he told me he was having really strong feelings for me, he didn't understand it, but he knew it was real, because he's only felt that way about one other person (his crazy ex with who he has two children).  I was starting to like him too, but still wary, and he even kept telling me that I was being very guarded, and I told him that I had to be!  Marriage, kids, kids names, homes and the 'L' word were all mentioned - by him! I'm telling you he went full steam, and as you know the last experience I had was similar and came to a halt as quickly as it started, so I wasn't really that relaxed about it, but I decided to just go along with stuff while still being cautious. He's a really nice guy, funny, sweet, seemingly affectionate, but he's either very genuine or a very good liar, because some things he says and suggests are just normal to him would have you thinking "Yeah right.."  Like he's suggested paying for my flight to go and see him in Cali, or paying for both of us to meet in New York.  He does seem to have money though.

This has all been since June, and it was really nice for a couple of months (and no I haven't been flown anywhere as yet), but recently his communication has been waning, and that's annoying me.  I've always said that I don't know if I have the patience to be in a long-distance relationship, but the lack of everything here in London means I'm willing to give it a try if that's what has been presented to me.  But for something like that to work, both parties have to make the effort.  He was going through some personal stuff for a couple of months, which meant that every time he wanted to book his flight to come to London he wasn't able to, and he's previously told me that he has a tendency to keep things to himself, because he doesn't like to be a burden to people, but he was gonna work on that, but I don't know if he has been working on it, because now I'm feeling un-involved.  My mum and brother have just been on holiday to California, and Knight made sure he looked after them and gave them a good time, taking them to Vegas, shopping and even Thanksgiving dinner at his mum's house.  He knows that my mum knows about "us", they'd spoken to each other during one of our Skype calls some months ago, so I'm a little confused as to whether he still intends for everything he's said to me or whether that's just him being a nice guy.  I just don't want a repeat of that pussy Joe *spit*.

I think I'm going to try not to expect too much right now, and see what becomes of it. I'd love for it to happen properly with us, but I'll keep my options open, definitely.  

Tuesday, 10 July 2012

Odd-Job Girl

Dear Anyone,

I've hit a little snag in this career/work life thing... I don't really know what I want to do wholeheartedly.  Actually that's not true.  I know for a fact that I don't want a long term, nine-to-five job, but rather various freelance projects that I will enjoy and get paid for.  Sort of like a media odd-job (wo)man, if you like.

I have just finished working freelance on a project for a youth organisation, and I really enjoyed it because it was so casual and easy-going, but fun and I was getting paid for it.  THAT'S the kind of thing I'm talking about.  This is all pretty much unrealistic wishful thinking, I know.  As adults we have no choice but to undertake some shite jobs, especially when you have as many holidays planned in your head as I do for the coming year.  I'd still love to find work abroad, since I still have nothing necessarily keeping me here in London.  My ideal choice is still New York City, and after a recent trip to California, I've partly added it to my list too... I'll tell you why later on, if there's anything to tell.  Hopefully there will be ;)

So if you know of any opportunities matching what I've described, please, throw them my way.  Thank you in advance.

Monday, 16 April 2012

Is He A Pussy Or A Fraud?

Dear Anyone,

This is the question I would like you to answer for me today.  Is Joe a pussy or is he a fraud?  Or is he a fraudulent pussy?  Actually no, because that would mean he's pretending to be a pussy, and that certainly isn't the case.

In two days time it will be exactly six weeks since the last time I laid eyes on him in person, and two weeks since we spoke on the phone.  He has fallen off in such a spectacular manner that I just can't comprehend it.  I truly, truly can not get my head around it.  It has been the same issue I told you about before, he's been broke etc, so we haven't been anywhere or done anything.  But then it became like he wasn't fussed about the fact that we hadn't spent anytime together.  When I drew his attention to the fact that it was approaching a month, he said: "I know hun, but it's been for reasons that can't be helped."  Prick.  These reasons predominantly involved his sons, who aren't bloody toddlers, or the fact that he says he's really broke and "can't" pay his phone bill, and doesn't want to waste his petrol or put a few extra pounds on his Oyster card.  I'm not begrudging that he has children at all, but I slightly feel like he babies them.  They're nearly 15 years old.  I wonder how he had relationships in the past, and still managed to be a dad.  Then with the money thing; his phone was suspended and became incoming only.  I didn't mind being the one to call every evening at first, but then it was annoying, because if he didn't answer it wasn't like he'd be able to return the call.  I would rather have to keep trying, then I'd feel like a bug-a-boo.  And because he's a "nice" guy, I wouldn't know if he's speaking to me to be polite or if he really did want to speak to me.  In the beginning if his phone was playing up, he'd email me if he couldn't text.  Then it became that his home internet service was cut off, and at work they'd restricted their internet use and completely blocked Facebook.  It sounds ridiculous, but I had no reason to think he was lying, because I figured that would be an embarrassing thing to have to tell a woman anyway.  So he had no phone, no internet at home and monitored internet at work.  On top of all this, I had invited him out to the birthday gathering of one of my friends, and he gave the excuse that Croydon was "a trek" and it would depend on what time it finished, because he'd have to get home to the boys (even though his mum was there).  This was as well as suggesting we go to the cinema and it would be on me.  I think my final straw came when I invited him to come and be in the audience of a gameshow taping, and he insisted he'd be there every time I asked if he was still up for it.  Then of course on the day something had to come up, again to do with one of his sons who had injured his rib playing football the previous week.  I'm not in any way saying that he shouldn't be worried about his child, but I was pissed off because I KNEW that SOMETHING would happen to stop us meeting up.  I knew it, and I was annoyed that I was proven right.

So two weeks ago I called him with the intention of telling him how I was feeling, and the first couple times there was no answer.  Then he answered and said he wasn't really busy but he was watching football.  Cool I'll call him back in a bit, because I knew he wouldn't really be listening to me properly.  Called back and he was having a conversation with his mum.  Ok... I'll call back again in a bit.  Called back and I'd woken him up.  Was he having a laugh??  He asked if I could call back the next day after 7pm.  But I didn't.  Instead I sent him a long text to read and understand at his leisure (made up of four individual texts, because I didn't want to risk that [Receiving text] that doesn't actually come nonsense) telling him how I felt.  It wasn't antagonistic in any way, I left the ball in his court for him to find a way to contact me if he still wants to be with me.

Up till now I've not heard a peep.  I know he has access to an internet cafe, so why hasn't he emailed?  Why hasn't he borrowed someone's phone to ask me to call him back on his?  Why hasn't he quickly snuck a call from his work phone?  He's a liar and a fraud.  All the things he's told me about the way he is must have been lies.  He's a pussy.  If circumstances have changed and he doesn't want to get into anything right now, why can't he tell me.  One thing he said he disliked was not getting closure, yet he's leaving me without some.  Prick.

I don't think I'd ever had so much hope in a guy being the one that God was saving me for.  I felt that we were both single because God was saving us for each other.  I'm still trying to figure out what lesson I'm supposed to be learning from this, but I can't.  I'm a bit angry with God too if I'm honest, but He knows I'm not a wicked person and that it's because I'm hurt.  All my (what everyone calls) negative feelings have returned, and this time it has been proven that hope and positive thinking are just set-ups.  I really believe that as much as I want to get married and have all the traditional things, it's not what I'm supposed to have.  So if I know this and just focus on "having fun" it won't matter that I'm going to be 35 this year and still single, and it won't matter if I reach 50 never having been in love.