Thursday 30 December 2010

Thanks For Another Year

Dear God,

Once again thank you for allowing me to see another birthday and another year through, especially when so many don't. Again I ask that you give me the patience to wait for the things I want in life to come at the right time.

Through your son Jesus Christ, Amen.

33..... I'm well in there now - eek!!

Thursday 23 December 2010

"In Ghana Here..."

Dear Anyone,

Tomorrow will be two weeks since I came to Ghana, and it has been really good to just do feck all. Absolutely nothing I don't want to do, all day long. In hot weather. Especially as I am seeing and reading reports of the horrible snow in london, and the disruption it's causing. I can't even imagine it right now. I know it sounds like I'm gloating, but that's because I am... Haha. I'm currently writing to you from the makeshift office I've set up outside. My family think I'm crazy, and I think they don't realise what my weather alternative is!

I said I was coming to Ghana to see what potential work opportunities there may be over here, and I have done some enquiring . It seems that if I was coming to just do an office job I'd have no problems findng work, but because I want to work in Media/Journalism, it may not be so simple. It is very 'who you know' over here, and those I know aren't in the media industry, but those I've asked all say they know someone somewhere who did this or knows that person, so will ask. Plus a lot of suggestions have been that I should work with the TV stations, but I don't actually know what I would do. It's funny though, because whenever you mention 'Journalism' to Ghanaians, they automatically think you want to work on television, reading the news. Me on camera? You're 'avin a laugh son.

I've decided to change my focus slightly though, and instead do research into an idea for a business that SP and I had a while ago. I won't say what it is yet, but I think there's definitely a gap in the market for it. So many people my age and younger are thinking about businesses to set up over here, because Ghana is growing so quickly, and I think the secret is to think just slightly outside the box.

To be honest, I haven't really decided if I could live here yet, and I don't want to find any job just because it's in Ghana, because that isn't my plan. My plan is to get some career-relevant experience if possible, maybe for a couple of months. Granted, if we were to start a business here, we'd obviously have to operate predominantly from here, but that would be okay because it would be something I'd have an interest in.

As for the opposite sex here; so far the potential is saying nada to me. We've been out to a couple clubs and parties, and the guys here are stuck on trying to look like they have money. The whole dated 'popping bottles' thing is still very much rife here. When I told people I was coming here, almost everyone said things along the lines of: "you might meet your future husband". Truthfully, that hasn't been high on my agenda for Ghana. I'm far too fussy when it comes to the type of Ghanaian guy I'd like, I won't lie. As bad as it might sound, the accent doesn't do it for me, and it's made worse by those who put on fake American or Jamaican accents! Ugh. So I've always responded with the idea that if I do meet someone here, I'd really really like him to be a British Ghanaian like myself. You also have to look out for the opportunists who lie about themselves, thinking it would get them money or a ticket overseas. Good luck with getting those from me!

But I am enjoying just chilling out here, because God knows that won't be the case when I return to London. I receive my last pay today, so the serious work search starts now!

Friday 3 December 2010

See Ya! No Longer Gonna Be Ya!

Dear Anyone,


Today was my last day at work, and because it's a Friday I don't think the reality of not having to return will kick in until Monday, or maybe even Sunday night.

My close colleagues have been so sweet though, and they are really going to miss me - their words, not mine! Yesterday they presented me with my leaving gifts: a t-shirt with pics of all of us, on which they'd all written messages, and a lovely silver charm bracelet. I'd arranged for us to go out for drinks after work, but I didn't want it to be a big thing, so it was just my immediate team and a couple of the clients I got on with. We went for drinks at Thai Silk, where I was forced to down five shots (one called a 'Brain Haemorrhage' that tasted lovely but felt really wird in my mouth) and two cocktails. I should be drunk, but I don't feel it. Tomorrow morning will tell. I'm definitely going to miss my colleagues, but I'm not sad because I know for a fact I'll see them again soon. I've already been told I'm still welcome to attend the post Christmas team dinner in January, so if my team go, I'll go.

One of the security guards gave me a speech when I went to bid him farewell. "You take that baton, that beacon, that light, and go out there, and show the world what you are made of! Do us proud!" That just made me think "Wow...". I've been told numerous times how brave I am, and maybe I am, but the scary part is that people seem so sure that I'm capable achieving things that I myself am not sure I can do! The usual me would more than likely chicken out and think of all the reasons why it won't work, but it's too late for that, so that won't be an option.

Now begins the real hustle, where I have to find work of some sort to stay afloat. I'm off to Ghana on Monday to do some resting, thinking and planning, and to even network and see what opportunities they may have. Short-term though, I'm not ready to live there full time. It's all very scary and exciting! My main aim is to not go back to that situation where your whole aura goes downhill the closer you get to your place of work. We spend too many hours in a day working for us to hate what we're doing. When I return to London I want to be able to attend media events and just put myself out there as much as possible.

So please raise your glasses to new beginnings! They don't always have to start on January 1st! *Cheeeeers!!!*


Friday 5 November 2010

I'm Outta Here!!!!

Dear Anyone,

I have only 6 words for you:

I JUST HANDED IN MY NOTICE!!!!!!!!!!

That is all... Stay tuned for further information.

Monday 1 November 2010

Sudden Loss

Dear Anyone,

Today I'm sitting at home in shock and upset. One of my first cousins passed away suddenly yesterday, and I'm having trouble getting my head around it. I was with her only two days ago, and the next thing I know, I was looking at her body on the hospital bed last night. I can't believe it.

I know it only takes a split second for someone to die, so saying "I only just saw her" doesn't make sense, but that's all I can think. She cooked for us at her sister's house on Friday night, and I stayed over until Saturday morning, because it was too late for me to go home. Then I was supposed to get a lift home with her in the morning, but didn't, because she wasn't ready to leave when I was. But she'd been fine the whole time, no indication that something was wrong. Then yesterday my cousin Diggy called to say that she had been rushed to hospital because she'd been having trouble breathing, and next thing we know she's gone into cardiac arrest and the doctors couldn't revive her. It turns out she had a blood clot in her lung, and by the time I got to the hospital, she'd gone. It's scary because this time it's one of us, as opposed to it being an older member of the family.

I couldn't sleep last night, so I didn't go into work today, but I think I will tomorrow, because it's better to keep busy. All I keep thinking is that our family don't need any more bad news, my uncle's death is still quite fresh and now this. I just keep praying for God to spare the family, and look after my dad, because this will be a lot of stress on him, seeing as he is now everyone's dad.

Rest in Peace Big Sis, and keep smiling xxx

Thursday 21 October 2010

Make That Change

Dear Anyone,

It's taken me a while to update you, but last month I made a decision....... I'M GOING TO QUIT MY JOB!

I came to this decision while out for my cousin's birthday. SP, our friend Minx and I were just chatting over drinks about life, work, being fed up, how this country isn't the place to settle, etc etc, and I said that I wish I could just leave my job and get more experience in the field I want to work in, and they were both like, "Well why don't you?" They basically echoed what my manager had said to me about learning to take risks in life. So after plenty of thinking and encouragement from SP, I've decided that I'm going to leave work and go to Ghana in December for about 5-6 weeks to network and seek possible opportunities in my field. My dad lives there, my brother, his girlfriend and my friend are there (and they all moved over from here), and accommodation is obviously not an issue.

Me being me, I'm still apprehensive about how I'm going to be able to pay my bills, but I've been told not to think about that too much, otherwise I probably won't go through with it! Bear in mind though, at this point I'm not thinking past going to Ghana to chill, seek and network, and returning to London in January, where I'll hopefully get some temp work in the meantime. The girls and I have plans to go to LA in Feb, and we really have to make that happen. But if I am able to return to Ghana to undertake short term or project based work in media or events, that would be good, and I can return with new-found experience and establish a proper career for once. I'm not ready to permanently make a move there though, so that's why I'm thinking about thing bit by bit. If I was offered an opportunity in NYC, you know I'd be there like a shot, but right now that wouldn't be financially possible.

So look out for the announcement of the handing in of my notice - you KNOW I'll be shouting it from the rooftops!

Monday 20 September 2010

Positive or Realistic?

Dear Anyone,

It's no secret that I struggle with positive thinking. Like... in a need a shrink/counselling/hypnotherapy sort of way, if people really believe it's a way of life. I just don't find it realistic, and that's what I deal in - reality.

Case in point: A week ago today I thought it was going to be the first day of the rest of my life. I - for the first time since the dawn of civilisation - had a job interview. It was for a Copywriter position that SP had spotted a few days earlier on Twitter and sent to me. All it said was that Copywriters were required ASAP, and that was all I needed to know to send my details through. I then received an email from a woman saying that the role is quite a junior one, and she doesn't think it is what I'm looking for. Now the previous me would have taken that lying down, and been upset that I'd been rejected. But the really-really-need-a-new-job me responded saying that I am fine with it being a junior role, because it's related to writing which is what I want to do, and that I would welcome the opportunity to meet and discuss it further. I also asked for more info on the role, and sent examples of my work. When I received a response inviting me to come for an 'informal chat' about the job, I nearly fainted!

Last Monday I went for the chat, and she wasn't lying about it being informal. It was over in about 15-20 minutes. She told me about the job and what they're looking for, and asked about the notice required at my current work place. I showed her that I was extremely interested in the role. She said I seemed really nice and she doesn't see why I wouldn't pass the probation period. She brought the MD in to meet me, who was pretty much of the "I don't mind, it's up to you" attitude, and he asked her where we go from here. She said she had another person to see, but she'll let me know by the end of the day or the following day. Everything was very positive and I came out thinking about what I would say when handing my notice in, imagining myself in the role, what time I would have to leave home to get there (even though it's in relatively the same area I work in now), how I would work out my taxes (with it starting out as a freelance position), and things of that sort. When I hadn't heard from her by Wednesday I emailed to ask if a decision had been made yet, and she said she had an interview that day, then she'd sit with the directors in the afternoon. On Thursday I received an email from her featuring that infamous word 'unfortunately.' Apparently someone else was perfect for the role, so much so that instead of hiring two people for full and part-time positions, this fabulous, perfect person will have the strength of 10 men! Okay, two men. I should sue her for getting my hopes up.

Getting this close and being rejected has reignited my disbelief in positive thinking. I was upset, because I could actually see my foot stepping out of the door of my current job. I had unconsciously practiced the sort of positive thinking promoted in books like The Secret and Law of Attraction, where you envisage yourself with what it is you want, but that clearly didn't work. And it's not as if I had told myself to do it just because that's what the books say, I actually did it anyway. And what was the result? Exactly. Positive thinking works for those who constantly have positive things happen to them anyway. They can afford to believe in it, because they rarely experience the opposite. It's a bit like being born lucky. I choose to subscribe to the realistic way of thinking. In reality I don't actually have enough experience in one thing, just loads of little experiences in various things. When you tell me "It's their loss", that's not strictly true is it? They haven't made a loss by hiring someone with more experience than me. Be real. Just tell me that life's a bitch but you have to keep moving, because that's real.

Wednesday 25 August 2010

Career (Give Me A) Break

Dear Anyone,


It's no secret that I don't enjoy my day job at all, and it shouldn't be a shock to you that I want to go and try working in New York for a while. Well I've kind of started to try and set those wheels in motion, but there are already things trying to get in my way.


Early last month we had our mid-year appraisals (or Interim review) at work, and my manager practically told me that I need to start taking risks if I want to get to where I feel I should be. She knows full well that this job isn't what I want to do, and she even sometimes sends me job vacancies she thinks I'd be interested in. She's very cool like that. She's all for helping people better themselves as they wish. So afterwards I contacted my friend Minnie who lives in New Jersey, and asked her if she could put together some figures and let me know roughly how much it would cost to stay in NYC for one month. I figured I should start small, so I'd initially try going for a month to see if I can network and set up some opportunities. The more people I meet who have decided to go freelance for whatever reason, the more envious I feel, and suffocated by this 9-5 working life. I don't think it would even be so bad if I was working in an office and doing something far more creative a varied, just not this monotonous filing crap.


I found out from Minnie that I'd probably need about $2,000 to be safe, but the best thing is that she said I should cut costs and come and stay with her. Where she is in New Jersey isn't a long journey into New York City, so it would be fine! So nice of her!

So last week I enquired with my employers about their policy on sabbaticals and career breaks, because the only information I had found concerned parents taking maternity, paternity or carers leave, or those who needed to amend their hours to care for a dependent, and can you believe they said they don't recognise career breaks and don't have a policy on sabbaticals. If I want time off I'd have to speak to my manager about it. What nonsense! Am I wrong in thinking that all companies are supposed to offer this?! I don't know where I got this from, but I thought that once you've been with a company for three years, you qualify for a sabbatical. Obviously not. When I asked my manager about it, she asked how long I would want to be off for and that I would have to come up with a proposal outlining how my month off and trip to NYC would relate to and benefit my job. Now Anyone, I'm not sure if I've told you this only once or 100 times - I do filing. Records management. There is not a molecule on my skin that has any intention of going to New York to find ways for me to continue doing that. I'm not going to improve THAT job, I'm going to hopefully make contacts and find writing or media related work.

Initially I was hoping to go in September, but since it's only a week away, that's not happening, so maybe October, and if not then the spring time. I would never choose to purposely put myself in NYC right in the middle of winter - I can't get rid of the memory of that cold my friends and I experienced there in 2005. I have a bit of money saved, but not nearly enough, though I have appealed to the Bank of Daddy and received approval, so I just need to give a figure and details of when I'm going.

I don't know what to do now though - help me! Any ideas?

Sunday 15 August 2010

Get The Guy

Dear Anyone,

I had a pretty eventful day yesterday! I'm still kind of high off the things that occurred...

It started off with a dating seminar I attended, with my new friend Single Girl. I've been reading her blog and it's amazing how much we have in common in terms of our experiences with men and our views on relationships etc. So when she told me about the 'Secrets of Attraction: Get The Guy' seminar, I knew it was something I could definitely benefit from. The guy who ran the seminar is called Matthew Hussey, and coincidentally a few days after she told me about it, I saw him doing a dating segment on This Morning, so obviously he had to be legit.

We learned a lot at the seminar, and the good thing about it was that it was coming from a man for once. I also found the variety of women there to be quite amazing. All ages, races, shapes and sizes - and I'm not saying that to sound contrived, I'm serious! It was so weird to think that all these women were having issues with finding meaningful relationships. Instead of me trying to recall everything Matthew said, I'm going to show you the notes I took, while they're still fresh...

The books we women read are regimented, saying things like "Don't accept a date within two days", which is nonsense because the time you're spending doing nothing on that Friday night is time you could be spending on a really good date, instead of pretending you have a life. Rules are dangerous, follow principles. A lot of books are by women which is the problem, because they are telling us what they THINK they know about men.

Some of the reasons some of the women were there were to:

Understand how men think and how to work with it
Find the confidence to approach guys
Find out why guys make such an effort to get your attention, but do so little to keep it
How to not fall into the friend-zone
Where and how to meet the right guy

'Competence breeds confidence' meaning 'practice makes perfect'.

When we go out we always stay with the group we're with, therefore not meeting new guys. If you don't initiate, he won't know you like him. The more attracted he is to you, the less likely he'll come over, men feel the same nerves we do.

Playing hard to get builds the attraction around the chase, not you. The only excitement will be in the chase and once he's got you he'll look for the next chase for more excitement.

When you spot a guy you like the look of:

STEP 1 - Make eye-contact and prolong it. Then smile as your personality allows. If you're cheeky you can even stick your tongue out at him. The look you give a guy makes a big difference. Being coy also works. Look at him 3 times to get the message across. (He told us to practice on the escalator in a tube station!)

STEP 2 - Find a reason to get within close proximity of him - find a reason. If you are at a bar for example, stand at an angle that looks like you're people watching.

STEP 3 - Make conversation. You can pay him a compliment, or again if you're a cheeky type you can say something corny on purpose ("Do you come here often?") as a joke, or comment on his drink, or ask if he's enjoying the evening/event. Men love to help women and be a knight in shining armour, so you can also ask him for a favour. His example was to ask the guy if he can hold your jacket for you while you take your friends' drinks to them. I was thinking maybe you could ask him if he can take a photo of you and your friends. Men love anything that makes them feel like a man. You can also make a statement: "You're a bit tall!" Just be playful.

TAKE SMALL RISKS AND HUGE THINGS HAPPEN

We should always remember: The pain of rejection pales in comparison to the pain of regret. Most people allow the quality of their lives to be determined by the thoughts of strangers.


KEEP THE GUY

Once you've been out on a date, there are various reasons it may not progress: He may not have felt enough attraction early on. There may not have been enough chemistry or sexual tension, but it doesn't mean that the date went badly.

A lot of men don't want to commit, because they have what is called a Blueprint: In their teens they're finding themselves, and usually in their 20s they have fun and sleep around because they don't want to miss out on all the things they hear about. By the time they think they want to settle, it's too late because the right woman they had has maybe gone with someone else, and therefore the guy marries Miss Anyone. It's possible to change a man's Blueprint, because it is created by the associations he makes with being in a relationship, which are usually negative (he'll get tied down, the sex will become boring, everything will change). The problem is that women end up believing it of themselves, so they get scared to bring it up with him.

How to create positive associations with 'relationship': Bring your best in every part of your life. If he says he doesn't want a relationship, just say 'ok' and continue to be fabulous. he will be confused, but he will work out for himself that he doesn't want you to be fabulous with anyone but him.

"YOU CAN EITHER WAIT OR CREATE" (OPPORTUNITIES)

R - ROADMAP What do you want? What type of guy? What type of relationship? Show all aspects of your personality - friendly, sex appeal, caring, etc.

A - ACCOUNTABILITY Have something in place that makes sure you go and experiment.

M - MENTOR Someone who has the most experience and pushes you to do it.

P - PEER GROUP (Important) Like-minded and supportive people. Single friends who are not moany, but will rather play in the mud with you and kick your arse and make you do it. Have one who is better than you at certain things, and all who are just as driven as you.

Big things that destroy relationships:

Jealousy
Over-analysing
Neediness
Competitiveness

Scenario: You're out with your man and he flirts with someone else:

- Get honest, not emotional. Language is important, don't use language that appeals to women, e.g. "I'm emotional" or "Stop that, it's upsetting me". Rather tell him: "That's not cool, I wouldn't do that and it's not of a standard I expect from someone I'm with. To be honest, it's a turn-off." Men don't ever want to hear that they are sub-standard and that they're doing anything other than turning you on!

Always make him feel like a man, men always like to feel like the hero. "Can I get your help with (something)?" "Babe I need you" "I love talking to you about this stuff because you're *insert compliment of what you want him to be*"

Pre-relationship you can say "I love it when men....." You'll see that he wants to be the man you want and he'll do whatever it was you said you love! (This has actually worked with me in the past!)

So...I was armed with all this new found knowledge, and after the seminar and a short private chat with Matthew himself, I attended a barbeque that none other than good ole Boy Wonder was also attending. Remember him? Well I saw him a week ago at (one of) SP's birthday celebrations, because he made a surprise guest appearance at the bar we went to. As soon as I saw him I think I was internally taken aback, but I didn't let it show externally... that would have involved some sort of banshee wail. He seemed a lot happier, completely jokey and that just made him so sexy to me. I realised that I haven't stopped liking him, I just haven't seen him for about 2 years, so it was put on hold. Now that he's saying he's back on the social scene.... boy....

Anyway, at the BBQ I had told the girls that I intended to speak to him (because the seminar and copious amounts of rum in the evening had me feeling brave), but I wasn't too sure how to start it off. SP told me to remind him that he owes me a drink, so I went with that. It was quite late last night / early this morning and I said to him: "You know you owe me a drink right?" His initial response was to be silly and pretend he was going to get me a drink from the kitchen, but I let him know that I wasn't referring to a free drink that I'd been serving all evening. What followed was about half an hour of... I don't even know how to describe it, but it was quite lovely! He was really tactile with me - holding my hands where our fingers were intertwined, holding me, hugging me. What I've taken away from that conversation is that he does like me (I think) but he doesn't feel he is currently at the stage of being the man I deserve. He kept saying "Look at you, why wouldn't I want to go out with you?" but he also kept saying "I don't want to be a bastard to you." He was completely honest with me, and I was with him (which shocked me!) and told him that I like him and have done for a long time, and he said that his circumstances haven't changed since the last time we spoke, which he made sure that I knew he hadn't forgotten. But the reason I'm a little puzzled is that he also promised that he would call me and take me out, and that he would never lie to me. I told him I'm not going to wait for him, but we also made an agreement and shook on it that when he sorts out his circumstances, I get first refusal. Oh, and I also asked whether he has a girlfriend and he says he doesn't. Obviously we were both kinda merry from drink, but it wasn't one of those drunken conversations that we wouldn't remember. I just found his physical openness really surprising, because we were practically in the middle of the room and even his friends were kinda taking the piss out of him, but he didn't seem to care.

I see him as a work in progress and even though I haven't come away with any sort of solid answer, I'm giddy from the way he was with me, because I've never seen him like that before. And I've also gained a slight satisfaction from knowing that he is AT LEAST attracted to me. That's something at least right? Now we wait for the phone call... except of course I'm not waiting for it...

Tuesday 27 July 2010

Fishing Trip III Update

Dear Anyone,

Five days later.... I haven't heard from him. We'll call him Angelfish. I'm only a little bit surprised to be honest, because when I thought back to the date I couldn't really tell whether he liked me or not, or how well I thought it went.

Then it got me thinking about how slightly big-headed I must be, because it didn't actually occur to me that he wouldn't like me. Not that I think I'm all that in any way at all, but I spent all my time hoping I would like him that I didn't even think he would come away uninterested. But I'm pretty sure that's what's happened.

Oh well... on to the next I guess. I'm getting slightly extremely impatient now. Yes... slightly extremely.

Friday 23 July 2010

Fishing Trip III

Dear Anyone,

I decided to go fishing again, as in I browsed the dating website Plenty Of Fish, which I haven't visited in a while, and yesterday evening I met up with a guy I spotted on the site.

About two weeks ago I was reminded of the site when it was mentioned on someone's blog, and I thought "Oh yeah - that!" So I logged in to see what was happening, but as usual it wasn't much. They have a new section you can click on that says 'We can predict who you will date and marry', and of course it sounds so ridiculous that I just had to click to see what they call a match. I spotted a guy who I thought looked pretty cute, and when I read his profile it made me laugh, because it was quite honest, humourous, and best of all - he wrote correctly!! I'm a bit of a snob when it comes to correct written grammar, and I've stated quite clearly on my profile that I don't want to be contacted by voluntarily illiterate guys.

I sent him a message to say I liked his profile and that he is one of my POF predictions, and he responded that he also liked my profile, and many things I posses are a catch to him. We sent messages back and forth for the next two days or so, but he was travelling to Turkey for a week that weekend, so in his last message he left his number, and I responded with mine, because I thought it better that he calls me since I didn't know when he'd be back... and also because I didn't want to be the first to call! He called me last Saturday (when he got back) and I missed his call, then when I called back, he missed mine, and this continued until Sunday afternoon! When we eventually spoke the conversation was cool, not awkward in any way. He seemed quite laidback and easy-going.

On Tuesday we chatted briefly via Blackberry Messenger and arranged to meet for after work drinks on Thursday. While I was waiting I was praying SO HARD for God to let me like him. I have to be honest: I liked his profile picture a lot, I showed it to my friends and my manager, but the subsequent photos he sent me didn't do him justice, and he looked totally different in all three pics, so I was really hoping he at least looked like a cross between Photo 1 and Photo 3. And God came through. He looked pretty much like his profile picture. He was dressed smartly in a suit (because obviously he was coming from work) and taller than me (which isn't very hard, fair enough, but some poor guys can't manage that!). He told me that his hayfever was quite bad that day, because he forgot his medicine. We went for drinks at a bar/restaurant near my workplace, and being that it was Happy Hour it was busy and we weren't able to sit, so we stood outside with our drinks and chatted. The conversation was cool, he asked a lot of questions and I asked questions back. We spoke about work, exercise, dating, the POF website, family, holidays, favourite foods, etc. He didn't seem as relaxed as I'd hoped, but I put that down to maybe nerves or discomfort with his hayfever. After an hour and a half and two cocktails each, we left. He offered me a lift home (and I didn't realise he had driven) and at first I declined, because he seemed really tired and had a long way to go, but he said it was no problem, so I let him. In the car he complimented me on my figure and said he can tell I work out quite a bit, to which I laughed and said that it was just good genes (and that's the truth, I can't afford to have muscles - the last thing I want is to look like some butch femme). When we got to my place we didn't stay in the car chatting or anything. I thanked him for the evening, and we just did the formal(ish) goodbye kiss on the cheek thing, and he said he'll speak to me soon.

There wasn't really any flirting on this date. My cousin Ursula described it perfectly when she asked me whether it was like going for drinks with a colleague. It kind of was, there wasn't really any chemistry as such, but I would be willing to meet again in a less 'formal' setting to see how he is. I sent him a message thanking him again this morning and I asked how his hayfever is, and he replied saying it was really nice meeting me and that his hayfever is much better today. So... I guess we'll see...

Tuesday 6 July 2010

No More Cowards

Dear Anyone,

Yesterday I saw a photo of Emperor and his girlfriend, and not only did I realise that I am no longer attracted to him, but I also generally attract cowards. I'm not saying that every guy I've ever been involved with is a coward, because I know a lot of it is my fault for not spotting the bullshit earlier, but of late it does seem that way.

Emperor is a coward, because he didn't have the balls to tell me that he decided to stay in his difficult relationship, which in itself is also a bit of a cowardly act. I saw them at an event last month which is what confirmed it for me, even though it was obvious anyway from his silence on the subject. Every time we spoke, he was usually going on about work, as if there wasn't anything else we should be discussing. What.Ever.



Undeserving Tod was a coward because he didn't really want people we both knew to know that we were seeing each other, but it was fine for us to be around his mates. It was almost as though he was ashamed, but really it was so that he could see as many others as he wished.


Bumper didn't have the balls to admit he was in fact engaged and soon to be a father again.


There was another guy in my past who was supposedly in an unhappy relationship, but he was too scared to leave this unhappy relationship because he had a child with his girlfriend and another child from a previous relationship, and he didn't want to look like someone who has kids and leaves, or some such shite.


Oh - and I recently found out that Fisher, the first guy I met from the dating site, has a son who looks about three years-old. This is after him telling me he has no kids, blah blah blah. I'm not bothered at all really, just annoyed that he lied about something like that, but on the plus side, it showed me that you must ALWAYS go with your gut instinct.


I wouldn't call Muscle and Boy Wonder cowards really. I think Muscle just wasn't that into me or didn't know how to multi-task, and it just wasn't the right time or circumstances for Boy Wonder. Or maybe they're the ones I found most ideal and I'm making excuses for them! Ha ha! Who knows...


The search continues, and I'm hoping to break this cowardly cycle, but I'm also wondering if it's just a trait I have to expect in one way or another.

Sunday 13 June 2010

Still Single

Dear Anyone,

I'm kind of starting to get scared about how quickly this year is going, in terms of me finding a relationship. We're halfway through 2010, and I have no leads. Nothing! I still maintain that I want to get married in August next year, and I think that by me putting it out there in the Universe, it should happen, because the Universe should respond, right? Isn't that the secret of The Secret?

I have no updates on any guys I've previously mentioned - nothing juicy anyway. I saw Muscle a couple of weeks ago at a barbeque I invited him to, and he didn't stay long but we had a nice catch-up chat. I also went to an event that Emperor attended with his girlfriend, so that answers the questions I didn't have about that situation. Surprise surprise.

It feel like a lot of people are finding partners, and when I'm asked whether I'm single, the answer is still a resounding 'yes.' It's getting to the point where people think it's me being fussy, but I'm not. I'm not going to go on about it, because I can assure you that nothing has changed in terms of how I feel, I'm still quite lonely. I just don't want to become one of those people who everyone can rely on to be perpetually single.

Tuesday 11 May 2010

Operation: Sort My Life Out!!!!

Dear Anyone,

Right now I'm sitting at home nursing a sore head and wonky vision, having been off work for two days. I feel as though I'm drunk with a head-rush. My doctor's diagnosis is that it's some sort of inner-ear virus, and tomorrow I have to go for a flippin' blood test. I HATE NEEDLES. My own diagnosis is that I'm stressed and my job is probably the biggest factor. I still hate it, that hasn't changed, but I think it's also because it has been really busy lately, and there have been a lot of people off sick, which means I usually end up covering, and I'm just generally a bit run-down. This is coupled with the worry of job-hunting and finding something new soon that will take me closer to my chosen career - writing.

One good thing though is that I have been able to think and put a career plan into action. I got together with SP last week to discuss ways in which I can basically leave my job sensibly - as in - at least find something that pays the minimum pittance I get now. It was, and she was, very similar to my life coach and the sessions I have with her. My ideal situation would be to freelance obviously, working from home, but that's going to be a work in progress. But we made lists and targets etc, and I feel really good about it all.

I also came to a conclusion during our meeting too. I've been afraid to entertain the idea of leaving my current job and rather temping in, because all I think about is how I would pay my share of the bills, and this is because my mum has kind of been hammering that point into me, so the thought of leaving work to maybe do an internship and temp didn't seem possible or make any sense. When I spoke to her about it, she said that all she was thinking about was how depressed I was when I was unemployed after graduating, and she doesn't want me to return to that dark place. She also said that when I was younger I was quite confident, bubbly and determined, but since the period of unemployment my confidence took a serious dive, which more than likely contributed to me not being able to hold down jobs I really wanted. I never really thought about it that way, but in hindsight she is definitely right. So I'm no longer going to blame those previous employers and say that is was their loss, because back then they probably didn't think there was anything special to keep.

I'm ready now though... I've done my time in Unsatisfiedland, and it's time for me to show what I've learned in the past few years. There's a reason I've been a magazine addict since the age of 10, and enjoy reading so much, and constantly correct people on their punctuation and grammatical errors - I'm a born journo.

SAY IT LOUD - I'M BACK AND I'M PROUD!!

Sunday 2 May 2010

T-eenage Crush

Dear Anyone,

Last night we went out partying, being a Bank Holiday and all, and it was quite a good night - good music, good company, etc. But that's not the important part. The important part is that I saw the guy that I had the longest ever crush on - from age 17 to about 25 (and it only stopped there because I think he moved away and I didn't see him anymore). He hasn't changed a bit! Still hot! If he asked me out now, would I? Hmm... I don't think I could, because he's Bumper's good friend and it just wouldn't be right, but it would be very very very hard to decline, I won't lie. In fact Bumper would probably have to understand, because he knows how much I liked this guy back then, so he wouldn't be suprised.


To me, he was the one I would look out for every time we went to a club or party. And if I saw him, it was a cross between me not being able to take my eyes off him and me not wanting him to see me looking at him. I LOVED this guy!! (Not literally of course). I usually end up becoming just friends with guys I like, but with him it went as far as us greeting each other if we were at the same place.

We didn't chat last night, but Bumper was being silly while standing with him at one point, and was pretending to talk about me while pointing. The guy (we'll call him Tee) was looking at me, trying to figure out who I was, and when he realised he waved, so I waved back, and according to my friend Roxy (and judging by the cheesy grin that must have been planted on my face on my face) I must have regressed to being a 17 year old again, because apparently I waved back like a schoolgirl with a crush. How embarrassing... BUT I DON'T CARE, BECAUSE I SAW HIM!

*Skips off down the street with pink and red bubble hearts floating around*

Monday 22 March 2010

"It's Complicated"

Dear Anyone,


I've decided that men like the drama of a difficult girlfriend. They're completely attracted to it, it's what actually turns them on, and clearly where I've been going wrong. How else could you explain a 'complicated' situation? No relationship is ever complicated unless it will result in a person's death, and when is that ever the case??


I'm probably thinking mostly about Emperor. You probably gathered, since you haven't heard anything new about him, that there's nothing to report, and it's clearly obvious that he's decided to stay in his unfulfilling relationship, so I have decided to return to our previous, purely platonic friendship, otherwise I'd be sitting here waiting like a fool and I don't have time for that. In case you've forgotten - I'm 32.


I also have a feeling that Tod has a girlfriend, from things I've seen on Facebook.


There are two things that bug me about the above situations. Firstly, as I have already stated, I don't get why a drama-free, issue-free, non-difficult woman like me isn't better than one who carries her previous relationship insecurities, making her constantly suspicious. Obviously 'complicated' is where it's at. Maybe headaches are actually fun, and I just didn't get that memo. Secondly, and I can assure you that if Tod indeed does have a new girlfriend, I am in no way jealous simply because we are not suited to each other in the long-run. What gets my goat is - how is it fair that someone insincere like him, who doesn't treat women fairly, should then find happiness, and I'm still sitting here?! It wasn't supposed to work out that way. But then I'm not really surprised...


I guess I just have to sit here and watch everyone else progress in relationships, and keep praying for that whirlwind romance, which is currently my only hope.

Saturday 20 March 2010

Dare To Jump

Dear Anyone,

I think I must be crazy. Yesterday I did a free fall at work for Sport Relief, and I'm sure I can still feel myself shaking!

When I say 'free fall' don't think I'm talking about falling from an aeroplane (as a lot of people thought) because I'm only a partial idiot, not a complete one. This fall was from the third floor of our office building, and yes I know it sounds quite low, but it wasn't.

I was completely fine leading up to it, because I wasn't really sure what would be involved, so I didn't know what to imagine, even though everyone was saying they'd never do it. But when I actually reached the platform and had my harness attached... wow... to say I was scared is a complete understatement. I was SH*TTING myself! I couldn't let go of the railing, even though the guy who was assisting kept telling me that I don't have to jump, just step off. There were so many people at the bottom watching me - ALL my colleagues plus others. It took me about three minutes in total to do the fall, because I kept sticking my foot out and nearly doing it, but then the vertigo got the better of me and I couldn't do it. Every time I almost did, I could hear the crowd go "Ooooooh" which was quite funny. But I knew I had to do it, so in the end another of my colleagues, who had gone before me, offered to jump with me. By the way - no one actually told me you could jump in twos! Honestly if I had known, I would have forced my manager (who tricked me into thinking she was doing it too) to go with me. But my colleague held my hand, so there was no way I could hesitate, otherwise he would have probably ended up dragging me down, then I would have suffered a mid-air cardiac arrest, banged my head on landing and probably died. There's no need for that kind of drama really is there?

I did it though! I screamed all the way down, but I did it! Everyone was cheering, and I landed on my arse, which was embarrassing, and I doubt I'll ever do such an activity again, but I managed to raise £125.50 for Sport Relief, so it wasn't all bad!

Wednesday 17 February 2010

"I Want To Get Away, I Want To Flyyyyyyy Awayyyy, Yeah Yeah Yeaaaaah"

Dear Anyone,

I hate my job. Yeah, we're back on this again. Right now I'm at my desk, not supposed to be on the internet (but whatever), with a HUGE pile of paperwork to file away, which is late by the way, and I can't seem to bring myself to give a shite. I'm doing it, but my frustration builds with each file I reach for. Others here seem not to mind , but I actually couldn't care less about any of it. Instead I'm fantasising about what it must be like to love what you do. What a lovely feeling that must be.

I'm also thinking about leaving and going back to temping. Being a receptionist is a whole lot better than the monotonous, never-ending tasks I have to do here. The only problem with that is you never know how abruptly the job will end. Actually I don't mind that part at all, because an unexpected day off is a blessing, but it's the financial side of it, so I guess that won't be a good idea. BUT I NEED TO DO SOMETHING!!!!!!

Last month I joined a website for people who want to do internships in New York City, and I received a message from a company who run a website that sells designer clothing for children. The lady asked me if I would be interested in interning with them, so I discussed it with my life coach, and replied asking them when they would need someone to start, and how long they would like someone there for. I figured I could go for a month, so I would ask my employers here if it would be possible to take unpaid leave, see if I could get a donation from the Bank of Daddy, otherwise take out a small loan with the bank if necessary, and stay with my friend in New Jersey. It's not as impossible as I originally made it out to be in my head. But up till now I am yet to receive a response from them. It's ok though, because at least it made me start thinking about how I would realistically set the wheels in motion.

Emperor also told me about vacancies they have at his workplace in the city. The roles available are PA roles, which isn't media related as I would like it to be, but the money is WAY better than the pittance I'm whoring myself for here, and some of the roles are temporary, which is fine because I can still search for jobs, and at the very least I will be in a new environment. I sent him my re-worked CV, so I am awaiting news...

Anyway I better get back to this nonsense before someone comes and hassles me, which will result in me socking them in their face, then being suspended pending disciplinary action... Hmm then again....

Sunday 14 February 2010

Schmalentines

Dear Anyone,

Yes I know the occasion celebrated today is a pagan/man made event, and it is designed to make us singletons feel like shite, and that you should not just focus on partners, but family and friends you love, and I do appreciate them whole-heartedly, and I have even been out today to treat myself to something new, using the theory that if I don't then no one will............... but I can't shake off the Single-and-feeling-like-shite-because-I-am-experiencing-my-32nd-Valentines-Day-alone feeling. (Yes I know it doesn't really kick in till teenage years, but I can't be bothered to do the math right now). And this proves that playing the field doesn't make a damn bit of difference in the long-run. Back to the drawing board I guess.

That's all. Rant over.

Thursday 4 February 2010

Prince Charmer

Dear Anyone,

I know I seem to be talking about guys quite a bit recently, but making an effort to play the field brings with it some escapades! Last night I went to dinner with my friend Emperor, and I don't know whether or not it was a date, but if it was, then it was the most perfect date I've had yet!

Let me give you a little background: Emperor and I became friends last summer, while I was in New York with my cousins. I had posted a status on Facebook about how annoyed I was that they had chosen to waste a nice day in NYC by sleeping, so he asked me for my Blackberry messenger pin (don't worry - we have a mutual friend, so he wasn't a complete stranger), and we basically got to know each other over the course of the next few months. He's handsome, funny, intelligent, has a very good job, etc etc, but I never allowed myself to think of him as anything other than a friend, because he's always been in a relationship. We met in person for the first time at a party in November, and saw each other again in up North in December, where he told me that he'd broken up with the girlfriend earlier that week, and that led to us becoming a little intimate that weekend, which then led to confusion and complication in my head.

Anyway, he'd promised to take me out for a friendly dinner in early December, but then had to postpone due to work, so we finally managed to reschedule. We arranged to meet up in the city at 7.45pm and both arrived at exactly 7.45pm (we must have been starving!). He showed me around the area briefly, because that's more or less where he works, then we headed to the restaurant - a very nice place that specialises mainly in steaks. Everyone seemed to have heard of it but me! He'd booked the table for 8pm, but it wasn't quite ready, so we started with a bottle of Rose while we waited, and just chatted away. He was a little frustrated from his day at work, so he was venting, which was cool. When our table was ready we went down in a lift, they brought our bottle and glasses for us and took our coats, showed us to our seats - it was all very posh dahling. The meal was lovely and filling, we had another bottle of Rose, converstaion flowed wonderfully (we spoke about almost everything and anything random) - I had such a good night, even though at times I felt a bit like Crocodile Dundeena who had been plucked from the village and dropped in the middle of the metropolis! Throughout the evening whenever I looked at him I thought to myself: "Wow, you're actually the definition of handsome."

After he settled the bill, it was way past 11pm and he asked the waitress to call a cab for us -something I definitely was not expecting. I'm used to paying for my own cab, or being escorted to the bus stop, so this moved him even further into the 'What A Gentleman!' box. And to top it off, he lives nowhere near me, but the cab dropped me home first before taking him... wow indeed. During the journey he told me that I looked nice (and thought that I must have been insulting him for not saying it to me sooner, but of course I wasn't) and then administered his man manoeuvres that resulted in us holding hands. I thought it was so funny and sweet, but obviously I was laughing inside. Then he told me that he would like to kiss me, so I thought it was ample time to ask him about his relationship status. Now, looking back over the experiences I have had with men over the past few years, what would you guess his response was?.......................................................... Those of you who shouted "He's unavailable, didn't you realise it was too good to be true?!" should give yourselves a gold star and a pat on the back. He said that they broke up in December, got back together in January, but he hadn't seen her for a while, so it has been very on/off. I think my whole body physically deflated, and he probably noticed it too. Story of my life really. I told him that he needs to sort it out once and for all, because I'm not interested into the sharing thing, and he said he hears what I'm saying. I hope so.

When we arrived at my place I told him he could walk me to my door, so he did. I thanked him for a lovely evening, and he thanked me for coming out with him. Now, I don't know about you, but I like it when the things I do include a beginning, a middle and an end, and after such a nice evening I didn't feel it would have been right to just shake hands or hug and then go our separate ways....... so I let him kiss me instead. And I didn't feel bad one bit, because I think I deserved it. So there. He invited me to go back to his place with him, but I think he was just caught up in the moment, because that wasn't going to happen, so I politely declined. I left about half an hour before I sent him a message to say thanks again, and that I really would like him to decide what his situation is, and he said he would. Then I went to sleep smiling....

Friday 22 January 2010

Gone Fishing Again

Dear Anyone,


As I mentioned before, I've decided to try the dating website thing, and so last night I went on another 'date' with another guy, Rusty, who I got chatting to. This outing was a little.... strange.

We started chatting via the website, then I gave him my instant messenger details and we communicated on there. I didn't give him my number the first time he asked, because it was too early for that, but I decided to after a little while. He's cute looking, easier to chat with than Fisher, drives (which is good, because he doesn't live that close to me) and generally I thought he seemed cool.


Two days ago he text me and asked if I would like to go out, before he goes on holiday, so I said yes, and we agreed on meeting for drinks in Brixton at 8pm the next day. I was actually looking forward to it a little bit, because I was intrigued. So, yesterday evening I called him to ask where we should meet, and he asked if I would be able to go a bit further than Brixton, because he thought he would be there all day, but what he had been doing had finished early. I didn't mind too much, since we agreed to meet in Colliers Wood which is in the middle of our two areas. I was about 15 minutes late, and he was already waiting at the tube station when I arrived. He recognised me straight away and gave me a hug, but I could tell by the way he was dressed that we might not be doing what we had planned. He was wearing a blue jogging top and red jogging bottoms - not really a bar outfit... I asked him where we would be going, because the area isn't much of a social one, and that's when he told me that he's a bit financially challenged at the moment, as he had just moved to a new flat and purchased an expensive bed, as well as being in-between jobs at the moment, so he didn't want to go to a bar and make a fool of himself. But, he added, he had drinks back at his place where he wouldn't be able to make a fool of himself. As you can imagine, that was not on my agenda and I told him as such, so he suggested that we go for a drive instead, which we did. I think he was a bit embarassed that the passenger side door couldn't open, due to a little car accident he said he was in a few days ago, so I had to sit at the back while he drove. To anyone looking from the outside, it would seem as though I was in a cab. The conversation was cool though, we didn't struggle to chat and it wasn't awkward, unlike with Fisher. He said he was driving back to his place to get his jacket, and it took about 20 mins or so. I waited in the car while he went up, and when he came back about five minutes later he asked me where I would want to catch the train home from, so I told him I would rather get the bus from Wimbledon, because it would take me straight home.

He started driving again and we ended up in Wimbledon, and he told me that he would come and wait for my bus with me, which made me think Ok, I guess I'm going home now then. We sat in the car for about 15 mins more, chatting about America, starsigns, and other things I can't really remember right now. Then we got out of the car and made our way to the bus stop which was across the road. He actually had to run to catch the bus for me, because it arrived that quickly. So we hugged, he kissed me on the cheek, and I got on. That was it. The total time from when I met up with him to when I got on the bus was about an hour.

Here's what I think happened: He never actually intended for us to go to a bar. I think he had planned for me to go to his place, and when I declined he didn't actually have a Plan B, which is why it wasn't really a date, more like just a 'meet up.' He wasn't really prepared, and I wouldn't have thought anything of it if he hadn't made it seem like we were going out for drinks. He sent me a message today apologising for the evening, and hoped it didn't put me off meeting him again. He also said he had been hoping for a kiss on the lips! When exactly would that have happened??? If I do see him again, I would rather it be when he gets back from his trip and is a bit more settled, where we can at least go and chill and chat somewhere - not his place, I ain't no hussy! He seems like a nice, sweet guy, definitely attractive, but I'm not in a rush so I hope he isn't either.

The search continues...