A Year Older

Dear Anyone,

To put it simply, I am 35 years-old today.  Thirty-five.  Remember I was 29 when I started writing to you? Now I'm smack bang in the middle of my 30s.  Already.  Wow.

Dear God, please let this be the year everything falls into place.  I am 100% prepared to work alongside you to make it happen, but please just guide me in the right direction, and most of all, please just let me be happy.  In Jesus' name, amen.

Inter-continental Love?

Dear Anyone,

Yes yes yes... I know, it's been another long while since I spoke to you.  I don't have a really good excuse to be honest, just that I felt as if things happen, I get hopeful and excited, then they don't happen and I'm back to square one, and I get tired of telling you the same ole same ole, with the same ole same ole results.  But I've been told by more than one person that everything is an experience, everything is still the process of my life, so hey.

So anyway, what's been happening?  Well remember when I said I went to California earlier this year and I was hoping there was a reason to return?  Well it's because I met someone there, but nothing was really said (in that aspect) until I had come back to London.  He's my cousin's (who we stayed with) husband's nephew - let's call him Knight.  He's my age, cute, really nice guy.  We met him when there was a BBQ at the house, and he came with his girlfriend.  We all got talking briefly before they had to leave, but we were able to arrange for them to come and take us out to a club later that night.  My cousin Diggy (who I travelled with) reckons it was obvious that he fancied me while we were all out, but to me we were just having cool conversation about music (he's a rapper on the side), London, Ghana, Cali, and just general things.  I didn't get at all that he was attracted to me, mostly because it was so far from my mind, considering his girlfriend was there.  I just thought of him as a new family friend and someone else I can add to my very short list of people I know in America.  He didn't live in the same area that we were staying, but his mum does, so they had come down for a few days.  Where they lived was five hours drive away and they were leaving to go home the next day.  He and I exchanged numbers to keep in contact via instant messenger, and he sent me a message, after they had dropped us back, to say it was nice going out with us and it was a shame we didn't meet earlier (something we had all been saying during the evening, to be honest) because they could have taken us to other places had they known we were there.  They stopped by the house on their way back to their town the following day, and we said we'd keep in touch, etc.

We came back to London a few days later, and there were a messages between Knight and I for the first couple of weeks, then nothing much for the next couple of weeks. Then one day he messaged to say hi and that he was missing us, asking how we were and all that jazz.  That day we literally ended up chatting/messaging for the whole day - from when I had woken up till I went to bed.  It was during those conversations that he admitted that he'd thought I was hot from the moment he saw me, but obviously couldn't say anything, because he was still in a situation.  I was actually surprised, because I really didn't think about it or him in that way at all, but I told him straight away that the fact that he's in a situation means I'll just be flattered by what he's said, and no more.  He told me that their relationship was close to ending, but I still didn't really take it that seriously, because how many times have we heard that from attached guys??  But at the same time I did think that he wouldn't necessarily try and play me, because he knew we have family in common.  He should be verifiable.  Nowadays I don't have a problem letting a guy know that I'm not looking to date for dating's sake, so I told him that if that's what he's looking for from me, then nah.  

Anyway, over the following week we were messaging every day - he'd literally send me a message when he woke up, before starting work, and when he finished work until I went to bed (considering it's an 8-hour time difference).  We kinda got to know each other quite quickly, and our communication started including telephone calls and Skype calls.  He and the girlfriend's relationship had become more like friends apparently (after a few weeks she moved out) and after just over a week he told me he was having really strong feelings for me, he didn't understand it, but he knew it was real, because he's only felt that way about one other person (his crazy ex with who he has two children).  I was starting to like him too, but still wary, and he even kept telling me that I was being very guarded, and I told him that I had to be!  Marriage, kids, kids names, homes and the 'L' word were all mentioned - by him! I'm telling you he went full steam, and as you know the last experience I had was similar and came to a halt as quickly as it started, so I wasn't really that relaxed about it, but I decided to just go along with stuff while still being cautious. He's a really nice guy, funny, sweet, seemingly affectionate, but he's either very genuine or a very good liar, because some things he says and suggests are just normal to him would have you thinking "Yeah right.."  Like he's suggested paying for my flight to go and see him in Cali, or paying for both of us to meet in New York.  He does seem to have money though.

This has all been since June, and it was really nice for a couple of months (and no I haven't been flown anywhere as yet), but recently his communication has been waning, and that's annoying me.  I've always said that I don't know if I have the patience to be in a long-distance relationship, but the lack of everything here in London means I'm willing to give it a try if that's what has been presented to me.  But for something like that to work, both parties have to make the effort.  He was going through some personal stuff for a couple of months, which meant that every time he wanted to book his flight to come to London he wasn't able to, and he's previously told me that he has a tendency to keep things to himself, because he doesn't like to be a burden to people, but he was gonna work on that, but I don't know if he has been working on it, because now I'm feeling un-involved.  My mum and brother have just been on holiday to California, and Knight made sure he looked after them and gave them a good time, taking them to Vegas, shopping and even Thanksgiving dinner at his mum's house.  He knows that my mum knows about "us", they'd spoken to each other during one of our Skype calls some months ago, so I'm a little confused as to whether he still intends for everything he's said to me or whether that's just him being a nice guy.  I just don't want a repeat of that pussy Joe *spit*.

I think I'm going to try not to expect too much right now, and see what becomes of it. I'd love for it to happen properly with us, but I'll keep my options open, definitely.  

Odd-Job Girl

Dear Anyone,

I've hit a little snag in this career/work life thing... I don't really know what I want to do wholeheartedly.  Actually that's not true.  I know for a fact that I don't want a long term, nine-to-five job, but rather various freelance projects that I will enjoy and get paid for.  Sort of like a media odd-job (wo)man, if you like.

I have just finished working freelance on a project for a youth organisation, and I really enjoyed it because it was so casual and easy-going, but fun and I was getting paid for it.  THAT'S the kind of thing I'm talking about.  This is all pretty much unrealistic wishful thinking, I know.  As adults we have no choice but to undertake some shite jobs, especially when you have as many holidays planned in your head as I do for the coming year.  I'd still love to find work abroad, since I still have nothing necessarily keeping me here in London.  My ideal choice is still New York City, and after a recent trip to California, I've partly added it to my list too... I'll tell you why later on, if there's anything to tell.  Hopefully there will be ;)

So if you know of any opportunities matching what I've described, please, throw them my way.  Thank you in advance.

Is He A Pussy Or A Fraud?

Dear Anyone,

This is the question I would like you to answer for me today.  Is Joe a pussy or is he a fraud?  Or is he a fraudulent pussy?  Actually no, because that would mean he's pretending to be a pussy, and that certainly isn't the case.

In two days time it will be exactly six weeks since the last time I laid eyes on him in person, and two weeks since we spoke on the phone.  He has fallen off in such a spectacular manner that I just can't comprehend it.  I truly, truly can not get my head around it.  It has been the same issue I told you about before, he's been broke etc, so we haven't been anywhere or done anything.  But then it became like he wasn't fussed about the fact that we hadn't spent anytime together.  When I drew his attention to the fact that it was approaching a month, he said: "I know hun, but it's been for reasons that can't be helped."  Prick.  These reasons predominantly involved his sons, who aren't bloody toddlers, or the fact that he says he's really broke and "can't" pay his phone bill, and doesn't want to waste his petrol or put a few extra pounds on his Oyster card.  I'm not begrudging that he has children at all, but I slightly feel like he babies them.  They're nearly 15 years old.  I wonder how he had relationships in the past, and still managed to be a dad.  Then with the money thing; his phone was suspended and became incoming only.  I didn't mind being the one to call every evening at first, but then it was annoying, because if he didn't answer it wasn't like he'd be able to return the call.  I would rather have to keep trying, then I'd feel like a bug-a-boo.  And because he's a "nice" guy, I wouldn't know if he's speaking to me to be polite or if he really did want to speak to me.  In the beginning if his phone was playing up, he'd email me if he couldn't text.  Then it became that his home internet service was cut off, and at work they'd restricted their internet use and completely blocked Facebook.  It sounds ridiculous, but I had no reason to think he was lying, because I figured that would be an embarrassing thing to have to tell a woman anyway.  So he had no phone, no internet at home and monitored internet at work.  On top of all this, I had invited him out to the birthday gathering of one of my friends, and he gave the excuse that Croydon was "a trek" and it would depend on what time it finished, because he'd have to get home to the boys (even though his mum was there).  This was as well as suggesting we go to the cinema and it would be on me.  I think my final straw came when I invited him to come and be in the audience of a gameshow taping, and he insisted he'd be there every time I asked if he was still up for it.  Then of course on the day something had to come up, again to do with one of his sons who had injured his rib playing football the previous week.  I'm not in any way saying that he shouldn't be worried about his child, but I was pissed off because I KNEW that SOMETHING would happen to stop us meeting up.  I knew it, and I was annoyed that I was proven right.

So two weeks ago I called him with the intention of telling him how I was feeling, and the first couple times there was no answer.  Then he answered and said he wasn't really busy but he was watching football.  Cool I'll call him back in a bit, because I knew he wouldn't really be listening to me properly.  Called back and he was having a conversation with his mum.  Ok... I'll call back again in a bit.  Called back and I'd woken him up.  Was he having a laugh??  He asked if I could call back the next day after 7pm.  But I didn't.  Instead I sent him a long text to read and understand at his leisure (made up of four individual texts, because I didn't want to risk that [Receiving text] that doesn't actually come nonsense) telling him how I felt.  It wasn't antagonistic in any way, I left the ball in his court for him to find a way to contact me if he still wants to be with me.

Up till now I've not heard a peep.  I know he has access to an internet cafe, so why hasn't he emailed?  Why hasn't he borrowed someone's phone to ask me to call him back on his?  Why hasn't he quickly snuck a call from his work phone?  He's a liar and a fraud.  All the things he's told me about the way he is must have been lies.  He's a pussy.  If circumstances have changed and he doesn't want to get into anything right now, why can't he tell me.  One thing he said he disliked was not getting closure, yet he's leaving me without some.  Prick.

I don't think I'd ever had so much hope in a guy being the one that God was saving me for.  I felt that we were both single because God was saving us for each other.  I'm still trying to figure out what lesson I'm supposed to be learning from this, but I can't.  I'm a bit angry with God too if I'm honest, but He knows I'm not a wicked person and that it's because I'm hurt.  All my (what everyone calls) negative feelings have returned, and this time it has been proven that hope and positive thinking are just set-ups.  I really believe that as much as I want to get married and have all the traditional things, it's not what I'm supposed to have.  So if I know this and just focus on "having fun" it won't matter that I'm going to be 35 this year and still single, and it won't matter if I reach 50 never having been in love.  

The Downside of Chivalry

Dear Anyone,

I'm happy to say that a month on things are still going nicely with Joe, and we're still learning new things and getting to know each other.  He's still very much a gentleman, still very sweet, still very chivalrous.

One thing I have learned though, is that as wonderful as chivalry is, there can be a downside to it.  Who'd a thunk it eh?  Joe is the type of guy who insists that it's his place to pay when we go out, and that's fine with me.  He says he doesn't mind at all.  The problem is he's been a little short on cash the past couple weeks, due to big bills, etc, and so because of that when I went to his place two days ago that was the first time we'd seen each other in over two weeks (his sons staying with him at the weekends has also been a contributing factor).  I've said that we can just do something like go to the cinema and it will be my treat, but he's really not keen on that, and thinks it wouldn't be fair since I'm not employed at the moment.  We were supposed to go and see a film on Monday, but we didn't because he said he had to look after his sons unexpectedly.  That may have been true, but I also feel it was a bit of sabotage on his part, since he didn't want me to pay, and I was a little annoyed, because I was looking forward to it.  There's always the option of not going out and spending loads of money, and instead just chilling at his place, but his mum arrived from Barbados yesterday and is staying with him for God knows how long, therefore that idea might be on hold for now. 

So does this mean that his insistance on being the 'man' means that spending time together will be compromised??  I really hope it won't be.  I've never been into long-distance relationships let alone with someone who lives in the same city as me!  He did say I'm still welcome to go to his even though his mum is there, just no "sleepovers" for now...  That's a good sign I guess, right?    

50 First Dates Please!

Dear Anyone,

I've been meaning to update you for a week, but I haven't found the time, and now I'm glad I didn't, because now I have more to add to it anyway...

So... I've met someone.  And this one seems worthy of genuine excitement! Can you believe it??  It means that my theory about my room was right!  Ok, so here's the story up to this point - it might be a bit of a long'un:  

Some weeks ago my friend Shar told me she'd started chatting to a guy on good ole Plenty of Fish, and that he seemed pretty cool, but she wasn't looking for it to be anything romantic/relationship related, just friends.  She also sent me a photo of him, and I thought he looked cute, but I didn't think anything else of it.  Then nearly 3 weeks ago she messaged me saying that she really thinks I would get on with the guy she told me about, so she wants to introduce us.  I'm sure I've previously mentioned to you that I'm very uncomfortable with matchmaking, I find it too pressured, so I told her as such.  She said he's really nice, etc etc, I should just chat with him on Facebook and see how it goes.  After speaking to my other friend RG, who said that if anything I could just look at it as a guy to treat me to dinner and dates, I decided to step out of my comfort-zone and told Shar she could introduce us, so she did the Friend Suggestion thing on Facebook, and by the time I checked it, I'd already received a request from him and a message in my inbox and we got chatting.

His name is Joe, he's five years older than me, lives in London, has twin teenage sons, works in IT, writes very well (this is almost a turn-on for me I've realised), is of Bajan parentage, is very easy to talk to and so sweet.  We chatted on Facebook for about two days, then I gave him my phone number and we chatted for a day via text message, before he called me (on the Sunday).  Our first conversaion lasted over an hour, in which I learned that he has first seen my profile on POF about six months ago, and had tried to send me a message, but because my criteria is for a guy my age and up to three years older, his message wouldn't deliver.  Therefore he used points he had acquired to send a (virtual) gift along with a message, and waited and waited and waited for my reply, but because I hadn't logged into the site since about this time last year, I never saw it.  Then when he and Shar became friends on Facebook, he saw my photo in her friends list and told her how much he already liked me from my POF profile.  So it seems he already knew she was trying to hook us up (and I had told her not to tell him that she'd spoken to me - duh!). He asked me out on a dinner date to a lovely Thai restaurant for the following Saturday, which was last week.

The first date.  The first date, the first date, the first date.  Quite possibly the best first date I've ever been on.  We met up in the city when it started snowing like mad.  Some may see it as romantic, I see it as a hindrance in my attempt to look sexy.  He looked hot though - dark-skinned, bald, designer goatee, taller than me (thank you God!).  The chivalry during the entire evening wasn't just on point, it was above point!  Opening the car door, opening doors, ladies first, helping with my coat, paying - everything!! Conversation was fine, because we'd been speaking through the week. He was literally in awe of me - something I'm not at all used to - and just seemed really happy and shy at the same time.  The absolute highlight came after we'd finished eating our main meal.  There were plenty of birthday celebrations happening in the restaurant that night, so when the man from the front desk came to us holding a cake and asking whose birthday it was, I just thought he'd got it wrong and told him that we didn't have a birthday here.  But Joe signalled for him to put the cake down on our table, and it was a lovely chocolate cake with cherries and strawberries around it, and my name written in the middle.  I was speechless.  Joe then told me that it was a little something he wanted to do just to show his appreciation for me agreeing to come come out with him, because I didn't realise how much it meant to him.  To him it was almost fate that made him befriend Shar, which led to him finding me again. Wow!  I didn't even want to touch the cake, so I had it boxed up to take away.  It was lovely.  We left not long after that, because he was dropping me home and the snow was coming down quite hard.  He even carried my bag and walked me to my door, so... you know... I allowed a couple pecks on the lips during the goodbye.  I was smiling so hard for the rest of the night and Sunday too.

We went to the cinema two days later (I was off work and he bunked off work), then went out to eat two days after that, then went bowling two days after that.  Four dates within a week!  I'm a lil giddy, and extremely hopeful that this might be what I've spent the past 4+ years asking for!  He's very very sweet, VERY into me, very romantic, very tactile, he's told me that he could see himself falling for me, and that he wants to be with me.  I think I can see the same happening with me.  We hav a lot in common, in terms of what we like, what we think and how we think about things.  It's scary - but in a good way.  I've been imagining him meeting my friends and family and everyone liking each other.  I'm not used to this at all.  I know it sounds like it has happened very quickly (and yes it has), but you should know me by now to know that I don't enter into things blindly.  If tomorrow he should let me down, I won't have lost anything but hope and optimism.

So be happy that I'm smiling for once!  I'm going to keep you posted on the progress as often often as possible, but if you don't hear from me for a little while, it's because there's no internet access on Cloud 9*.

* That was corny as hell, but I did it on purpose :) 

Making Room

Dear Anyone,


A couple of months ago SP and I were talking about the guys in my life who say they want me, though their actions say otherwise.  This was after we attended an event where three guys I've previously been involved with were also in attendance.  I thought it was hilarious!  I also had two others texting me at the same time.  Check me!  Actually don't check me, because I realised that it all meant nothing really.  They were all flirting and saying things that would make a girl feel desired, but only for that short moment, but they didn't mean anything long-term (as you can tell since I haven't announced anything to you!).


SP said she thinks that maybe 'he' hasn't showed himself in my life as yet, because I'm not currently the best me I can be, in terms of my happiness and head space, etc, so perhaps I'm not ready to receive him.  I said that I feel there are three areas in my life that need to improve - finding love, establishing the career I want and making money, and that I'd feel like if one of those happened for me it would be like a domino effect and I'd feel positive and optimistic about the others happening too.  So basically, if met someone now and we got into a relationship, I'd be that more happy in life.


Anyway I had a bit of an epiphany yesterday.  My bedroom has been a melting pot of clutter for years and it's taken me so long to sort it out, mostly because it felt overwhelming and I just didn't know where to start.  I've been living out of my suitcases and black bags really.  I bought a much needed chest of drawers over a year ago, and it was only yesterday that, with the help of SP, it was finally assembled, so I've been able to start sorting the room out.  Then it occurred to me that maybe God/ The Universe has delayed me finding this guy, because my space isn't really in a fit state to entertain him.  Since I don't have my own house or flat, my bedroom is the only place I have that represents me and my world (if you like).  So maybe when I finally clear it and decorate it in the way I envision, he might appear. You never know...


I'm off to continue the grind and put that theory to the test!

WhatsApp With Men?

Dear Anyone,


One of my friends has just been dumped via WhatsApp Messenger.  Do people really still do that??  In her 33 years she said she's never had a relationship end that way, so it's a bit of a blow to her, and it's kind of making her feel like she's not worth it and put a dampener on the start to her 2012.  


The way they met was one of those situations where people constantly remind you, "You could meet him/her anywhere".  They noticed each other on the tube on the way home from work more than once, had a brief conversation, then saw each other again at a party by coincidence.  Then what sealed 'fate' was that he happened to have a meeting with someone at her work place, so they bumped into each other in the foyer.  They swapped numbers, spoke, went on dates, spent evenings together, he even gave her a surprise Christmas present.  He even asked if they are now dating exclusively, so of course she and I were getting excited (I was living vicariously through her).  Now, after a talk they had, he's sent her a message listing all her amazing qualities, saying how attracted to her he is and how good a companion she will be, but...... And that's how he ended the message - "but..." What sort of nonsense is this?  What's wrong with men??????  Really - men if you're reading - what is wrong with you??  This guy is 38 years old.  Does this mean that men's behaviours don't change, regardless of age.  All they are is male.


It's making us both wonder whether... well... is this how it's going to be?  You meet a new guy, you like him, but you will forever have to hold back, because God forbid you should catch feelings for him, there will be no point because he's just going to let you down.  Not that this situation is on the same level, but the disappointment I feel is the same way I felt about X who I briefly dated early last year.  Everything was moving nicely, then he suddenly he had to go to Manchester and behaved like our phone tariffs wouldn't be the same.


It's hard.  You try to have faith, but then you're constantly faced with bullshit situations.  My friend is lovely, sexy, a very good girlfriend, she can cook, she has her own place, loving, all the good stuff.  What's the problem?


We both have guys we could easily SETTLE for.  Is settling the answer?