Dear Anyone,
I had a surprising conversation with Muscle last night, and there's one part that I don't know what to make of.
While in the middle of getting a lecture from my mum about what I'm doing with my life, I decided to browse Facebook on my phone (so she would think I wasn't interested in what she was saying. Childish? Maybe... so sue me) and noticed that I had a message in my inbox from Muscle. He entitled it "Yes I'm being cheeky but..." and proceeded to tell me that while on his way home from a friend's house, he was in my area and was extremely tempted to call me and ask whether he could come and stay the night, because it was cold, he was very far from home, and public transport wasn't working properly. He ended the message with " Yes... maybe even a step beyond cheeky..."
I was so surprised, and I could tell that it wasn't a joke. In theory it's a VERY nice idea, in practice it just would not work at all. It really wouldn't be fair on me, because he broke it off with me, so that would just suggest that he'd want me to become a friend with 'benefits'. Uh-uh. None of that, thank you very much. He's the kind of guy I would want to be with in the long-term, so if there's no chance of that, then we will remain good friends and nothing more.
However, we did have a very good phone conversation not long afterwards. During the email exchanges (which contained flirting - on his part of course) he gave me his new mobile phone number and said that I could call him if I was still feeling 'spritely,' so I did. He asked me how the conversation with my mum had gone, and I told him that I kind of understood what she was saying, but it was also getting on my nerves, because I wasn't in the mood for it or expecting it at all. Then we got to what exactly it is I want to do career-wise, and I told him about all my media efforts in the past, and how I'm fed up with application rejections, but that I really need to leave my current work place. He suggested I start at the very beginning and make three separate lists; what I have learned in my jobs so far, what I am good at, and what I enjoy. From my final answer I should be able to decide exactly what type of career I want. He's good isn't he?!
We spoke for about an hour, and it was really nice. He's very intelligent and a good conversationalist. When I told RG about it today, she said it sounds like I still like him. Well I am still attracted to him, mostly because he's the one who ended it, so it's not as though I went off him. When someone is as sexy as that, it's not easy! But I don't sit there pining and wishing I was still with him, because that would be a complete waste of time. No one knows what will happen in the future, so as with everything in life, we just wait and see...
Tuesday 28 October 2008
Monday 27 October 2008
Worth Waiting For?
Dear Anyone,
Yesterday RG and I had a discussion about 'The One'. Now she, being the ultimate romanticist, believes that he is out there, and that you should be patient and wait for things to happen, because they will, as it is written in your destiny from the day you are born. I, on the other hand, don't share the same views exactly. Call me pessimistic if you like, but I see it more as 'realistic.'
I definitely believe that there is someone for everyone. Actually I believe there are three perfect people for every person. But to me, a big chunk of my disbelief is due to my age. RG is five years younger than me, so in a way she still has quite a bit of time to meet The One, and be with him for a few years before getting married and starting a family. I am nearly 31 and I am starting to believe less and less that I'm going to find 'Him'. I might end up settling for someone who feels strongly for me, but whose feelings I can't fully reciprocate.
When I told her this, she reeled off a list of couples we know of, who consider each other to be The One. The problem for me is that they all met each other at young ages. One couple have been married for two years, but the girl is RG's age - so that doesn't count. Another couple are the same age as me and about to have their first child. "That's not so bad," you might say, but they've been together since they were about 16, so that doesn't count. Another couple were married last year. They are slightly older than me, but again they have been together for over 10 years - so they don't count either. What do they all have in common? Answer: a head start.
Until my experience of Boy Wonder (or lack thereof) and also dating Muscle, I used to believe that I could find someone who ticked at least 90% of my boxes. I considered those two to have ticked that amount. But obviously it didn't work out with either of them, so now I'm thinking that for the sake of my biological clock, I should just work with what I'm given. I don't want to be 38, 40 or 45 before I have my first child. I didn't even want to be 30 before becoming a mother, but... well... what choice do I have now?
I know what a good catch I am, and what a great girlfriend I would make, but what is the point of walking around thinking this if you don't get a proper chance to prove it? I could recite 'I'm great, I'm hot, I'm fab' in the mirror as many times a day as I'd like, but really they're just words. How can it proven?
This all sounds really sad, I know, but I guess I'm just losing faith. I haven't completely lost it all, but it is waning. RG asked whether I believe that by hanging around successful people, it could rub off on you to also become a success. I believe that with everything else but relationships. One thing I hate is being the only single person around couples. I find it extremely uncomfortable and quite depressing, so the last thing I am going to do is purposely hang around all my paired-up friends, thinking that this will help The One spot me in the crowd. I think SP already knows this about me, because I always ask who else will be there if she invites me somewhere with her and Joseph.
I will do my best to get out of the 'realistic' way of thinking, and embrace the 'optimistic' one, but I won't lie - that will take plenty of time...
Yesterday RG and I had a discussion about 'The One'. Now she, being the ultimate romanticist, believes that he is out there, and that you should be patient and wait for things to happen, because they will, as it is written in your destiny from the day you are born. I, on the other hand, don't share the same views exactly. Call me pessimistic if you like, but I see it more as 'realistic.'
I definitely believe that there is someone for everyone. Actually I believe there are three perfect people for every person. But to me, a big chunk of my disbelief is due to my age. RG is five years younger than me, so in a way she still has quite a bit of time to meet The One, and be with him for a few years before getting married and starting a family. I am nearly 31 and I am starting to believe less and less that I'm going to find 'Him'. I might end up settling for someone who feels strongly for me, but whose feelings I can't fully reciprocate.
When I told her this, she reeled off a list of couples we know of, who consider each other to be The One. The problem for me is that they all met each other at young ages. One couple have been married for two years, but the girl is RG's age - so that doesn't count. Another couple are the same age as me and about to have their first child. "That's not so bad," you might say, but they've been together since they were about 16, so that doesn't count. Another couple were married last year. They are slightly older than me, but again they have been together for over 10 years - so they don't count either. What do they all have in common? Answer: a head start.
Until my experience of Boy Wonder (or lack thereof) and also dating Muscle, I used to believe that I could find someone who ticked at least 90% of my boxes. I considered those two to have ticked that amount. But obviously it didn't work out with either of them, so now I'm thinking that for the sake of my biological clock, I should just work with what I'm given. I don't want to be 38, 40 or 45 before I have my first child. I didn't even want to be 30 before becoming a mother, but... well... what choice do I have now?
I know what a good catch I am, and what a great girlfriend I would make, but what is the point of walking around thinking this if you don't get a proper chance to prove it? I could recite 'I'm great, I'm hot, I'm fab' in the mirror as many times a day as I'd like, but really they're just words. How can it proven?
This all sounds really sad, I know, but I guess I'm just losing faith. I haven't completely lost it all, but it is waning. RG asked whether I believe that by hanging around successful people, it could rub off on you to also become a success. I believe that with everything else but relationships. One thing I hate is being the only single person around couples. I find it extremely uncomfortable and quite depressing, so the last thing I am going to do is purposely hang around all my paired-up friends, thinking that this will help The One spot me in the crowd. I think SP already knows this about me, because I always ask who else will be there if she invites me somewhere with her and Joseph.
I will do my best to get out of the 'realistic' way of thinking, and embrace the 'optimistic' one, but I won't lie - that will take plenty of time...
Monday 6 October 2008
These Are My Confessions...
Dear Anyone,
Before I begin, may I please ask that you don't judge me or tut or roll your eyes while you read? I'm a grown woman, therefore I won't spout all that spiel about knowing what I'm doing etc, because I hardly ever know what I'm doing - ha ha!!
So... for the past three months or so, I have been seeing/occasionally spending time with someone who maybe I should, because we get on so well, or maybe I shouldn't because I don't know how serious he is, and you all know how serious I am. He's been mentioned before. You may remember him as........ Undeserving... but let's now call him Tod.
Okay okay, yes I know, he's got three kids with three women, physically he's not my type at all, he's just over a year younger than me, if my dad knew he worked on public transport by day, he would probably have me stoned, and I don't even know if he could relate to my friends, but I do like him for some reason, and he has been very consistent recently.
In June/July he kind of expressed that he really likes me, when he called me one day and told me in a very complicated way (typical of him) that I’d been on his mind for the whole day. He was at a barbeque at his Mum’s house when he called, so that alone made me think ‘Wow - he’s among his family and friends and he’s thinking of me.’ Since then we’ve spoken literally every day, often multiple times a day, and it’s nice because it hasn’t been about any game playing with the usual ‘I called him/her last, so he/she should call me next’ nonsense.
When I was going to Barbados, I was with him the night before, and then he texted me after a couple of days saying ‘I thought you said you were gonna call’. Before leaving, he had mentioned a couple of times that I should call him if I can while I’m away, but I didn’t think he was serious, so I just humoured him by saying I would. I was able to call him quickly, and he told me he missed me, which felt nice. He does say that every so often, but again, I don’t really take him that seriously all the time, because of the jokey nature of our friendship. It’s always easier to take something as a joke if I’m not sure, for fear of making an idiot of myself.
He went to New York at the end of August, for two weeks, and the day he came back he asked me to go and see him, as tired as he was. He’d also brought back a gift for me (two Victoria Secret body sprays), and that was the first time he’s done that, considering he travels quite often. I am still waiting for my 30th birthday present though, and considering there are only 3 months left till my next birthday, I’d say he better get his skates on! (Yes I know that you and I both know that won’t be happening).
Being a DJ he travels up and down the country to play, and most of the time he'll call while on his journey with friends, just to say where he is, or play me a new mix he has done that they'd be listening to. If I’m at his place and he has friends round, he is still affectionate towards me, and sometimes I am a bit hesitant, because a) I am shy, and b) I don’t know what he’s told them about me. I could be the girl for that particular day of the week, and with them being male/his friends, they won't tell me anything I need to know - they're all probably doing the same thing!
The problem is that the trust isn’t 100% there, because of the way he was with me last year, the fact that he's a DJ, and the fact that he has to have a close relationship with his children’s mothers. I am especially suspicious of the mother of his youngest child. I think she still considers him to be her man, and she might well have reason to, because I don’t know what he tells her. Why am I so afraid to ask guys what the deal is between us?! That is my biggest issue when it comes to me and men! I always put off asking crucial questions, and yet others don't seem to have that problem. Why???
So that’s it really. On one hand I think I know I’m wasting time with someone I won’t end up marrying, therefore I am always on the look-out. But on the other hand, my cousins keep telling me to always stop being so cautious because you never know what could be.
Before I begin, may I please ask that you don't judge me or tut or roll your eyes while you read? I'm a grown woman, therefore I won't spout all that spiel about knowing what I'm doing etc, because I hardly ever know what I'm doing - ha ha!!
So... for the past three months or so, I have been seeing/occasionally spending time with someone who maybe I should, because we get on so well, or maybe I shouldn't because I don't know how serious he is, and you all know how serious I am. He's been mentioned before. You may remember him as........ Undeserving... but let's now call him Tod.
Okay okay, yes I know, he's got three kids with three women, physically he's not my type at all, he's just over a year younger than me, if my dad knew he worked on public transport by day, he would probably have me stoned, and I don't even know if he could relate to my friends, but I do like him for some reason, and he has been very consistent recently.
In June/July he kind of expressed that he really likes me, when he called me one day and told me in a very complicated way (typical of him) that I’d been on his mind for the whole day. He was at a barbeque at his Mum’s house when he called, so that alone made me think ‘Wow - he’s among his family and friends and he’s thinking of me.’ Since then we’ve spoken literally every day, often multiple times a day, and it’s nice because it hasn’t been about any game playing with the usual ‘I called him/her last, so he/she should call me next’ nonsense.
When I was going to Barbados, I was with him the night before, and then he texted me after a couple of days saying ‘I thought you said you were gonna call’. Before leaving, he had mentioned a couple of times that I should call him if I can while I’m away, but I didn’t think he was serious, so I just humoured him by saying I would. I was able to call him quickly, and he told me he missed me, which felt nice. He does say that every so often, but again, I don’t really take him that seriously all the time, because of the jokey nature of our friendship. It’s always easier to take something as a joke if I’m not sure, for fear of making an idiot of myself.
He went to New York at the end of August, for two weeks, and the day he came back he asked me to go and see him, as tired as he was. He’d also brought back a gift for me (two Victoria Secret body sprays), and that was the first time he’s done that, considering he travels quite often. I am still waiting for my 30th birthday present though, and considering there are only 3 months left till my next birthday, I’d say he better get his skates on! (Yes I know that you and I both know that won’t be happening).
Being a DJ he travels up and down the country to play, and most of the time he'll call while on his journey with friends, just to say where he is, or play me a new mix he has done that they'd be listening to. If I’m at his place and he has friends round, he is still affectionate towards me, and sometimes I am a bit hesitant, because a) I am shy, and b) I don’t know what he’s told them about me. I could be the girl for that particular day of the week, and with them being male/his friends, they won't tell me anything I need to know - they're all probably doing the same thing!
The problem is that the trust isn’t 100% there, because of the way he was with me last year, the fact that he's a DJ, and the fact that he has to have a close relationship with his children’s mothers. I am especially suspicious of the mother of his youngest child. I think she still considers him to be her man, and she might well have reason to, because I don’t know what he tells her. Why am I so afraid to ask guys what the deal is between us?! That is my biggest issue when it comes to me and men! I always put off asking crucial questions, and yet others don't seem to have that problem. Why???
So that’s it really. On one hand I think I know I’m wasting time with someone I won’t end up marrying, therefore I am always on the look-out. But on the other hand, my cousins keep telling me to always stop being so cautious because you never know what could be.
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