Sunday 30 December 2007

It's Here

Dear Anyone,

So... The day has finally arrived. The day I've been anticipating and dreading in equal measures. The day that I have been doing my best to sort my life out in time for. I. Am. 30. Thirty years old. Thirty years old, as in, no longer in my 20s. Thirty years old, as in, I am a fully fledged adult. Thirty years old, as in, I've got only 10 years till I'm 40!! Yes, that thirty years old.

I'm 30. I don't feel different though. Not that I expect to, because that would just be silly - realistically it's only a day later than yesterday. Don't get me wrong, I am unbelieveably thankful that I have made it this far, I know full well that so many don't. But I haven't done what I wanted to do by now. I should have a boyfriend, a career and money!!!! And I don't. We all know what (didn't) happen(ed) with the one I thought I'd marry, bloody Boy Wonder. Yes, up till now my phone hasn't rang with an number I don't recognise and his voice on the other end. But whatever, we won't go into that right now. In terms of the job thing... I'm still here. In a job. Not a career. And I guess that also affects my lack of finances.

On the other hand, let me enjoy and be thankful for the fact that I'm in hot and sunny Miami, having a good time, and not cold in London, although I am missing my friends, but I'll see them soon. I should be seeing RG tomorrow - woooohoooo!!! Today I've already visited the Everglades and held an alligator! That was really fun, and not at all scary (mostly because its mouth was taped up!)

So for now I'm off to have my next drink... Yes I know it's only afternoon, but I've been given strict instructions by Izzy to have a drink every 30 minutes on this day, and well... who am I to say no????! Cheers!!!

Tuesday 18 December 2007

Ideas Please!

Dear Anyone,

There are exactly seven days till Christmas Day, which means there are exactly seven days till I fly out to Miami. But for some reason I'm not out of my mind with excitement. I should be, but I don't know why I'm not. My cousin who I'm going with is very excited. She's started packing already.

I think for me, maybe it's come around too quickly, if that makes any sense. And maybe it's also because all my friends aren't coming like I'd originally hoped. One's too pregnant, one has gone elsewhere, one can't afford it at this time, and one has left it so late to book, that I seriously doubt we'll be seeing her there. And I don't know what I'm actually doing on my birthday itself. I keep being asked, and I don't know what to say. I have been to Miami before, but that was for a specific event during Memorial Weekend, so the place was buzzing with people who had come from all over the U.S. This time though I'm thinking that it won't be as busy and we'd have to search for good places to go.

One good thing is that RG will be there on the 31st. She's been in the U.S since last month, working on R. Kelly's tour, and they have a show in Miami on New Year's Eve, so she's going to do her best to get us some passes to watch the show and attend the after-party. That's fine with me. From what I have seen on the net, most of the NYE parties will have tickets being sold at prices starting from $200. $200??? Are they mad? Even when you convert it to British currency, it's still about £100. What club could ever be good enough for me to hand over £100 to enter it??? They're having a laugh.

I also want to do something here when I get back, but I don't have a clue what. I don't want to do the restaurant thing (though it might end up being that), because there's almost always some kind of drama when the bill comes. Unless we go somewhere like Nandos, but that's not happening! If I hire a section of a bar, then the music has to be good. Plus I also run the risk of everyone saying they're broke, since it'll be just after Christmas.

So please - if anyone has any ideas do let me know. I'm open to all suggestions. I just want to make my 30th a good one... Please.

And there endeth my sorrowful plea.

Saturday 15 December 2007

Maybe I Should, Maybe I Shouldn't Have

Dear Anyone,

Okay confession time..... I went to Undeserving's house last night. But before I go on, let me just say that I know what you're going to say, and I fully agree because I've said it to you before, so you can get the tutting, heavy sighing and head-shaking thing out of the way................Done? Fine, I'll continue.

I didn't sleep over like I usually would, I just went there after work and he dropped me home later in the night. I don't know why I went - I guess it's because it was a Friday night, I had no plans and he invited me over, so I thought, "Why not?" It was cool though. We bought Chinese, watched TV, listened to music, chatted, laughed, etc. No I didn't have sex with him, but I won't lie, there was a little hanky panky.

You're probably thinking that me going there is a bit random, but we have spoken every so often, it's just that nothing significant happened for me to report about. I've also seen him at a couple of events (him being a DJ and all), and we've spoken then too. We've not been on bad terms or anything like that, I just don't chase after him like, some slack girls I see.

The thing is - I'm not in love with this guy. I like spending time with him, when need be. Yes I said 'need.' Like I said before, he's a Better Than Nothing situation which, to me, means that he'll do what he needs to do for now, and if (or possibly when) someone suitable decides to show himself, I'll move on. Simple. The good thing about a BTN is that you're in control of what you're doing. There shouldn't be deep feelings involved that would risk you getting hurt. And with Undeserving, he's done enough things to upset me, so now I just don't take him seriously, and that makes it easier for me. If I did take him seriously I would be a prized jackass, and I can happily tell you that I'm not one of those, thank you.






Sunday 9 December 2007

Throw In the Towel

Dear Anyone,

I think I'm going to give up on Boy Wonder now. He's not going to call me, and I just have to accept it. I'm annoyed about it though, because now I have absolutely NO prospects at all. I don't fancy or have a crush on anyone else. I guess I have to tick 'Get a boyfriend' on the list of Things That Will Not Be Happening Before You Turn 30. How sad. In a pathetic way.

I was hoping I might see him last night, because a few of us went to Birthday Boy's flat to watch the Hatton v Mayweather fight, and Birthday Boy had invited Boy Wonder, who said he'd be there. But it seems he's fond of doing that - talking and not backing his words up with actions. Maybe I should take that as a hint of what a relationship would be like with him... frustrating and hard work.

But if not him, then who??? I'm tired of waiting. It's boring. I'm tired of seeing how content my friends are in their relationships, and wondering when it will be me. I'm tired of being known as always being single. I'm tired of giving time to these useless guys who don't deserve it, but sometimes I can't help it because everyone needs a little affection now and then. It might be a poor excuse, but it's the only one I have. I'm tired of people telling me that it'll happen soon, because in all honesty they don't actually know that. It's a nice thing to say to try and keep someone's hopes up, but in reality it's just a lie. All my friends who are in serious, long-term relationships are younger than me - how sad does that make me look??? Then I get pity looks, and then more lies telling me that when it happens it will be big, and I won't know what's hit me, etc. But really why would it happen? I was never pretty at school, so I never had a boyfriend there. I don't think I was remotely attractive till I got to college, and even then it was dodgy guys I was getting.

But whatever. That was the past. That was my 20s. Maybe I should look to my 30s as a way of re-inventing myself. It's not like my 20s have been THAT good, so maybe I should stop panicking and trying to hold on to it, and rather look forward to leaving it behind. I might try that actually.

Thatnk you for listening. Rant over.

Tuesday 4 December 2007

Dream Job

Dear Anyone,

Last week I was sent an email alert from one of the job websites I've left my details with, and it was for a Communications Assistant for one of the major record labels!!! I don't think you understand what this means to me. Ever since I did work experience at that record company, it has been my mission to get permanent work there. At first it was because it's the label that Michael Jackson was signed to, so I thought the freebies would be fantastic and there'd be a very good chance that I'd meet him. But now I'm a bit scared to meet him, because he doesn't look the same (not that I'd ever turn down the opportunity of course) and I think I'd either sweat myself into a puddle or faint for the first time in my life. Anyway I digress. I'd still love to work there, just because it's something I've been trying to work hard for, for years. I was a member of their promotional team for years, I (briefly) got involved with their street-team magazine, I stalked some of their other artists hoping to gain some contacts - but of course this was in my younger days when being a groupie was acceptable.

I've sent off an application via their website, and I'm praying so hard! It's one of those sites where you register a job search account, put up your details and just apply from there. I don't really like that method of applying, because it's not personal enough, but that was the only way, so what can i do? Right now I'd be extremely happy if I was just employed as the Receptionist. You'd get to see everyone that came in, wear what the hell you like, and watch MTV all day. Talk about perfect! I'm just appealing to your good, kind-hearted nature.... PRAY FOR ME!!

Saturday 1 December 2007

The Countdown Is On...

Dear Anyone,

Today marks exactly one month until my birthday. Flippin hell man. I turn 30 in a month's time. How has it gone by so quickly?? I remember one month ago - it was the day I told you about Undeserving hanging up on me (damn cheek). The next day was Halloween. I remember Halloween! So the amount of time that has gone by since then, is the amount I have to go till my birthday. The way this year has gone by so quickly is very scary. But I always say to my friends - one minute is no longer 60 seconds. That's what I believe. It can't be. It must really be about 57 seconds, and we're feeling the difference that a few seconds make. Why else would time be going so fast? I know I sound mad, but whatever. Unless, of course, the end of the world is nigh... but I'm not ready for that yet, there is too much I still have to do. Find a man, get a proper career, make some money, have babies, you know - the usual.

And just in case you're wondering... no I haven't heard from Boy Wonder yet...

Tuesday 27 November 2007

"Why Are We Waiiiiting"

Dear Anyone,

This may come as a complete shock to none of you, but I have still had no word from Boy Wonder. What the feck is he waiting for - Christmas? At this point that is very possible. Even Birthday Boy hasn't spoken to him since the day he returned the phone. Every time I hear the "Itchy & Scratchy" theme tune coming from my phone, and I see an unrecognised mobile number flashing, I get a little bit excited, but then that soon disappears when I answer and realise that it's one of my banks using cunning new ways to stop me from dodging their calls. They think they're smart.

I have one month and two days until I turn 30, and as the time edges closer and closer, I find myself more and more manless. It's terrible. Some people may say I'm being fussy, but I disagree. If I have been propositioned by someone I'm not attracted to, then I simply will not waste either of our time. Ask me again when I'm 35 and in the same predicament. By then I might have considered marrying for the sake of it. And as for having kids, I know a couple of guys who seem to be very good at making babies all over the place, so I'm sure one or two more won't make a difference to them. Ha ha ha - I'm only joking, I could never do that... I think...

Boy Wonder needs to realise that I would be a very good addition to his life. I sound like a crazy stalker, but I don't mean it in that way at all! We get on very well, and he behaves like he could be interested in me. And to me, he's almost exactly what I'm looking for, apart from the fact that he smokes. He's nice looking, taller than me, my age, lives in London, has no kids, funny, easy going - what else do you need?? He's the one who took MY number, for God's sake. I didn't pressure him in any way. Birthday Boy did tell me not to be surprised if I didn't hear from him within a week or maybe even a month, but Boy Wonder doesn't have to go and prove him right!!! Grrr.....

Monday 19 November 2007

You Learn Something New Every Weekend

Dear Anyone,

I've just returned from quite a nice weekend away at Centerparcs with my friends Shar and some of her friends - not my usual bunch, which is good because I guess I have to come out of my usual comfort zone every now and then (even though I don't actually rely on my friends like some people think). It was a nice weekend though, and Centerparcs is a good place to go to just chill and take time off. There wasn't as much available to do that wasn't sports-related, but we did go to the Swimming Paradise which was wicked. I haven't been swimming in years.... and I also *cough* can't really swim, but those are minor details. As long as I stayed in the areas that weren't higher than 1.30m I was fine. I'm not that tall you see. The slides were cool too, but there was one that scared me a bit, simply because of the way everyone else seemed to hit the water at the end. They forced me to go on it by chanting my name (which was embarassing!) and I guess it wasn't that bad. I also rode a bicycle for the first time in years, and I wasn't as bad as I thought I might be!! Bikes are the only way to get around if your villa isn't as close to the centre as others. The ache in my thighs was shocking though!

One thing I realised was that my group of friends are a bit different to Shar's group, in the way we operate when we go away. I guess we are quite nerdy in the fact that we want to document everything we do by constantly taking photos, but they didn't. I might have been the only one with a camera, so I didn't take many pictures at all.

Also, Shar and her best friend had a big arguement while we were there (and it began over a discussion on religion, can you believe it? One of the biggest no-go subjects) but it seemed like it stemmed from built up frustrations. Behaviours that both parties haven't spoken up about previously, until now when it exploded. It was a little bit uncomfortable, but luckily I wasn't the only other person in the room. The bad thing was that they shouted they way they did in front of everyone in the house, but the good thing is that after they had both stormed off, Shar returned a few minutes later to go and speak privately and sort it out among themselves. I think it can go two ways though - either they will get whatever it is off their chests and be best friends again, because they're so close, or they will realise that they are possibly growing apart as they get older, and therefore agree to disagree. It can happen, especially since they're only in their early twenties. It's happened to me already (and we were older than they are now, but that's another story for another time...maybe).

I find that anytime you go away with a group of people you learn something new about yourself or the way other people operate. I can't actually think of what I learnt about myself, that I didn't already living away at Uni and going away with my friends, but I think Shar and her mates came to some personal realisations, and I'm wondering if Centerparcs will be a case of 'same time next year.'




Wednesday 14 November 2007

I Need Me Another Jobby-Job

Dear Anyone,

I need a new job, because this one is really getting on my nerves. I think that's why I've had a headache all week (yes I know it's still only Wednedsay). I feel like certain people are abusing their positions within the team slightly, and there's a small amount of bullying and favouritism to go with it. Don't worry, it's not directed towards me - I wouldn't have it. I think I have a problem with authority, in the sense that I can't take it when someone in a higher position speaks down to me. I hate it. I don't care about this job enough to stick around and put up with that kind of crap, but in this case it's directed towards one of my colleagues and I don't think it's fair. He and another colleague have noticed it too, so at least it's not in my head. This just reiterates how much I need to be serious in my job search. I have an application form to fill out and send by the 19th. I hate application forms, they're so old school. I don't think they allow you to fully express yourself the way a personal CV does. And it's even worse when the company wants you to post it to them, and won't accept emails. How prehistoric is that? Plus it's not environmentally friendly (not that I give much of a shite about that kind of thing... yeah I said it). But anyway I'm going to finish it off tonight because I have to post it tomorrow, since I'm not at work on Friday (thank God), heh heh... You catch my drift right?

Monday 12 November 2007

Friends

Dear Anyone,

It seems my close friend SP is annoyed at me for posting a funny pic of her and RG in my Facebook album. From what I can gather from the response to the email I sent her this morning, she thinks I did it on purpose to annoy her. I knew what tone to read it in, because I've heard her speak that way to other people, like her younger brother. But why would I do that? The way I saw it, it's a funny photo and obviously not the way she normally looks. Plus RG is the main person in the photo, and SP is more in the background. It's kind of hurtful that she would think that way of me - as if I'm out to make her look bad. Why would I? When I told her I'd delete it, she basically said that's there's no point now, because I posted it knowing she wouldn't like it. OK...because I'd sit there and think to myself "What can I do to piss SP off?" I don't think so. I don't really know what I'm supposed to do. It feels strange, because we're really close. I know that I can be stubborn, but what stops me from wanting to apologise is the way she spoke to me in the first place, and the fact that she couldn't just ask me to take the photo down instead of being sarcastic. It was so unnecessary. She practically knows me better than anyone. I didn't appreciate that at all.

On a good note - today RG left to go and work in the U.S for two months. I'm so glad for her, because it's such an amazing opportunity. She's touring with a few big name stars, and she'll be in charge of wardrobe for all the shows. Mute and I were at her house till very late last night (or very early this morning) helping her pack and get organised. She was nervous and a bit unsure about whether she can handle the responsibilty, but we know she can. She's RG! I'll miss her and wish her good luck, but mostly I want her to enjoy it. We'll receive updates on what she's up to thanks to the wonders of modern technology, so I await her correspondence...

Wednesday 7 November 2007

Just my luck!!

Dear Anyone,

You'll never guess what's happened....... Boy Wonder has only gone and lost his phone. Can you believe my luck?? Some people would do anything to get out of making a phone call! But the good thing is we think it's in the sofa at Birthday Boy's flat. When I say 'we' I mean SP, myself and Birthday Boy, because of course Boy Wonder doesn't know that I know.

After everyone had left on Saturday/Sunday, we were catching a few zzzzs on the sofa before SP's brother drove us home, and I kept hearing a buzzing sound that was interrupting my attempt to sleep. Every time I looked around to see where it came from, I couldn't see anything. Then it would stop and start again. I didn't tell the others, because they looked like they were enjoying their kip, so I just ignored it as best I could.

Then today SP is told me that when she was at Brithday Boy's house later that day, she could also hear the buzzing vibrating sound, and they realised it was Boy Wonder's phone! It's not lost after all!! They just have to figure out a way to get to it without damaging the leather sofa. Birthday Boy said when they get it out he'll tell me before he tells Boy Wonder, therefore you'll all be the second to know!

Sunday 4 November 2007

She shoots - She scores!!!

Dear Anyone,

He said yes! He said yes! He said yes! Oh my gosh, he said yes! He said yes! He said yes! Actually it wasn't exactly 'yes' it was more like "I'd love to." Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!! I knew it!! Positive thinking actually worked for once in my life! I might try it more often.


Okay sorry, I've composed myself now. Let me tell you how it happened, because I know you're DYING to know. After dinner at the restaurant, we went back to Birthday Boy's flat for drinks, and of course Boy Wonder also came. I almost wasn't able to say anything to him, because he very nearly had to leave early, when his ride home decided to leave. Luckily Birthday Boy saved the day and managed to arrange another lift for him later. Phew. So from that moment I thought I couldn't waste time. About 10 mins later he, my friend SP and I were chatting, then SP left to go to the kitchen, so I decided to grab my opportunity - it was now or never. (ok maybe not 'never' exactly, but you get my drift). I grabbed his arm and told him to come with me, and took him round the corner where the front door was. I'm actually surprised that I didn't start sweating with nerves!


Me: I want to ask you something...and it might put you on the spot a bit, but you're a man so you can take it.

BW: Okay...
Me: (Taking his hand and swinging it *jokingly*)
BW: Yeah... you've brought me out here to ask me something and you're not saying anything!
Me: Shush!......(breathe)..... I want to ask you - would you like to go out for a drink or something with me one day?
BW: I'd love to.
Me: (smiling) Really? Don't just say it because you think you have to.
BW: I'm not. Yeah, I'd love to.

Then he took out his phone to take my number. Aaaaaahhhh!!!!!! I couldn't believe how easy it was. He also took my email address when I told him that I had previously emailed him and he ignored me. He reckons he never received it. Yeah - whatever! I don't even really care about that right now, I'm just high! Woooohooooo!!!


The embarassing part though was when we returned to the party. He stopped in the sitting room to chat to friends, and I continued to the kitchen where my girls were. I stood in the doorway and they all looked at me in anticipation. I didn't even open my mouth, I just smiled slightly and nodded my head, and they all started screaming with excitement. Mute was hitting me (the way she does when she's excited). Then who should walk into the kitchen? Boy Wonder of course. SP and RG were able to compose themselves quite quckly. but Mute was still going, so he MUST have known what I'd just told them. I was so embarassed! But he was smiling, so I hope it didn't spoil anything for me. Please don't let it have spoiled anything for me!


Now I'm excited, and I'm going to sit here and let my imagination run wild!!







Thursday 1 November 2007

Game On

Dear Anyone,

Oooh... I'm really really looking forward to Saturday. That is the day I plan to make my intentions clear to the guy I plan to marry later in life. We'll call him Boy Wonder (simply because I'm Wondering why this Boy isn't mine already!). I will be attending a birthday dinner, and I have it on good authority that he'll also be in attendance. I've been building up to this moment for over two years. Sad I know. But I do have my reasons as to why it's taken so long. Every other time I might have wanted to say something to him, situations and circumstances have prevented it from happening. Really it has. This time around though, it will happen one way or another. I will not let December 30th 2007 arrive without finding out if this guy could be interested in me at all. And I feel that this might be my only chance before my birthday/end of the year, because I only see him when there is an occasion or gathering, and I can't think of another reason as to why everyone will be getting together again before New Year's Eve. So I HAVE to do it. Oh my gosh... I'm nervous now.

My plan of action is to get him alone in a corner and hump him. Joke! If I did that, all you'd have to do is look out the window and you'd see me running up the street! Imagine the shame! No really, I plan to just chat to him as we normally do (because we are actually friends now, and trust me - it has been hard work), but later get him on his own and just ask if he would like to go out for a drink or to the cinema with me one day. That's harmless enough isn't it? There's no pressure in that is there? It's better than me saying, "I like you, and I have done for two years. I think you and I would be really good together, because you're everything I'm looking for in a man. Do you like me?" Ugh. I don't think I'd hang around long enough to hear his answer. Once again if you looked out the window, you'd see me just turning the corner at the end of the street. I could never shame myself in such a way.

The scary thing is, without realising it, I have taken a sort of 'Law of Attraction' approach to this situation. I haven't imagined that he might say no. According to the Law of Attraction, if you want something bad enough you have to imagine yourself with that 'thing' or in that 'situation' every day, and that is what I have done unconsciously. It only occurred to me yesterday that he could tell me he's not interested. What the hell would I do?? Anyway I can't even think that way, because it's not part of the plan. So please cross your fingers for me, pray for me and wish me happiness! You don't want me to sad... you won't like me when I'm sad... (said like Bruce Banner before he changes into the Hulk).

Tuesday 30 October 2007

R.E.S.P.E.C.T

Dear Anyone,

So.... you remember how I asked you not to shout at me if it happened again? Well please don't shout at me, but Undeserving's number kind of found its way back into my phone a little while ago. I know I know, but on the plus side I haven't seen him. The thing is we've spoken, not so often, but it's been cool. Yesterday however, we had a disagreement about his usual blase attitude, and he had the cheek - the bare-faced gall - to hang up on me. Now those who know me (and know me well) will know that hanging the phone up on me is something I consider to be one of the rudest, most disrespectful things you can do. You're basically telling that I'm talking shite. And he did it. I actually looked at my phone for about ten seconds like it didn't really happen. It must have been a network failure or something, surely. Maybe I shouldn't have, but I called back. And it just rang. So then I started to get hot, and because you can't see me blush, you'll see me sweat. I was itching to call him back and leave a message on his voicemail, telling him about himself, his mother and his grandmother, but I was in a public place and I didn't want those around me to know of the shameful thing that had just happened to me.

I took my mum and my cousin out for dinner in the evening, so while we were waiting to order I took the opportunity to excuse myself and go to the Ladies. I called the Underserving bastard's number again and I knew he wouldn't answer, so I had already anticipated having to leave a message. I wasn't rude. I spoke calmly and factually.

"Do you know what Undeserving? In the time I have known you, you've done so many things that have upset me or pissed me off, and like an idiot I've always turned the other cheek or listened to your excuses. But I have never disrespected in such a way by hanging up on you, because I'm not rude like that. Hanging up on me means you're telling me that anything I have to say to you is rubbish, and you don't want to hear it. Yesterday we arranged to meet up, and I was calling you and you didn't pick up, and it's only today you're calling me back. That kind of behaviour pisses me off, so why do you think you're the one who has the right to be annoyed? I don't have time for such childish behaviour. If you want to speak to me properly you can call me, otherwise I'll see you around."

He returned my call about 45 mins later, while I was tucking into my delicious meal, and I answered it. I knew he'd call back, because he knows what I said is true. He said that when I had earlier answered the phone with "Yes what?" he got annoyed, because it sounded like I wasn't prepared to listen to what he had to say. Be a man for God's sake!! He said he had fallen asleep at his mum's house after dinner, and woke up suddenly realising he'd left his phone at work, and he'd only got it back when he went in today.

Is it really..? Whatever. I no longer care to tell you the truth. It's all tiring and time consuming, and to tell you the truth, he isn't the one for me, and certainly isn't the one I'm going to marry. I know who that is, and I plan to get that ball rolling this weekend as a matter of fact. Watch this space...

Friday 26 October 2007

Beg Friend Syndrome - A Sad Situation

Dear Anyone,

Last night I had the 'pleasure' of a free invitation to a party for a high profile ex-member of the biggest selling girl group (of all time apparently), and it was held at Mo*vida. Now for those not in the sociable know, Mo*vida is a night club that attracts celebs and stars, has a 'No Reality TV' people policy (which I think is SO funny!), and is constantly featured on the showbiz pages of newspapers with revellers falling out drunk, etc. RG and I went to collect our VIP wristbands beforehand, and arrived at the club a little after midnight. You could see the posers gathered already. The VIP section was a very small section, closed off by bouncers and rope, but of course we just flashed our red wristbands and were let in, and there were far far too many people in there. I mean fair enough I'm not really anything to do with The Star, but RG is styling a photoshoot with her on Sunday, and I was invited to the party by The Star's A&R manager, so I had a right to be there damn it.

Anyway the point of my post is: I have never seen so many wannabes in one place, at the same time, in my life! It was almost pathetic. Girls trying to beg friends with people who weren't actually anyone. It made me cringe. A relative of the A&R manager had the cheek to call us mere mortals.
"You mere mortals are going to have to stand further down there." Can you believe it? You're calling me and RG mere mortals, when I'm sure you don't even work in the media industry. Your brother does. Nobody knows you. I would have taken it as a joke, but he looked like he actually believed he was someone. So sad.

You know that people there (more than likely guys) were spending a whole month's salary on buying the most expensive champagne, just so the bartenders can walk through the club with sparklers on the bottle, in the hope that you look like some kind of loser baller. So sad. A lot of guys were standing facing The Star like they thought they could seduce her into thinking they were the man for her. Ha! You freakin wish my friend. There was also an embarassing PR chick, who must have arrived there at about 6pm just to secure her spot next to the area The Star would be sitting, who was dancing like a crackhead and trying to direct other people as to where they should be positioned. Word has it she's nearing 40. How sad. If only she could see how she looked. I'm sure she purposely went and got her hair done in a style to match The Star just so they had something to talk about. Watching her irritated me.

Being there made me realise that - 1) This is not my kind of place. It's not about having fun at all. It's about posing and trying to get noticed by people who you hope are paparazzi and will lead you to superficial fame. And - 2) This is actually some people's lives. This is what they live to do. A lot like Charley from this year's Big Brother. In fact - imagine her and everything she doesn't stand for. They just want to get noticed and have desperate men (hopefully) with money buy them drinks, and get them into similar clubs, so they can find other desperate men to do the same. It's really not my scene. The music was really good, but there was no eye-candy, and even if I saw the type of eye-candy I'm after, I'm certainly not his type. Those who know what I mean, know what I mean. I think I'll stick to being a nobody and go to places where dancing and having fun is the order of the day. I'll get "papped" by my friends and be "spotted" on Facebook.


Wednesday 17 October 2007

I'm Wasting Awaaaaay...

Dear Anyone,

What am I doing in this job? No really. I feel like I'm sitting here wasting my life away, all because this damn company feel they need someone here till 10pm. It's nonsense. This isn't what I signed up for when I reluctantly decided to go to university. I'm supposed to be in a (seemingly) glamourous media position, networking, meeting new people and wearing what the feck I like. I should have a company-given Blackberry (or at least a Sidekick) and be able to check my emails from wherever I'm standing. I want to be able to have my work take me abroad every month or two, and build up my Virgin Atlantic airmiles. Why didn't I just take the university grant and £3000+ used for my Post-Grad to go and start a new life elsewhere? Instead I'm here at a firm in an industry I have 0% interest in, being forced to wear an ugly shirt also worn by the cleaners (but I'm putting it off for as long as I can) and working with 'managers' who refuse to operate on common sense. It's farcical.

Anyway I'm bang-on the job search again. I had a chat with my Eye-Candy yesterday, and he gave me a few agencies and websites to try, so that's what I'll do as soon as I get home. I don't belong here at all. I have no intention of moving up in this place, because I don't care. I'm better than this, and I have no qualms in saying that. My friend RG is also helping by putting out a good word for me to her contacts. She is setting up her own fashion brand, and she is being given completely unhelpful, don't-know-shite-about-anything advice such as "Why don't you get to know about fashion by taking on a part-time job in Peacocks, maybe 2 or 3 times a week?" Hello?!! She's an ex-Fashion & Beauty editor! She's already told others what they should be wearing by being a stylist, what the feck is Peacocks going to do for her life, apart from make her a laughing stock?! These 'advisers' are the people hired by the government to give business advice! God save us.

Friday 12 October 2007

Nice surprises

Dear Anyone,

Yesterday was sooo weird, but really nice.

While I was at work I received a call from a number I didn't recognise, and when I answered, the person on the other end didn't sound familiar at all. She kept asking whether I know who it is, and where I was, why I wasn't at home, etc, and that she was outside my house. I'm thinking that this was my cousin Isabel getting one of her friends to play tricks on me, so I asked what my address is and she told me. That completely baffled me. She said that she'll give me a clue, which was "I used to be your best friend", and then I knew. Hussna!! She's not supposed to be here! She's supposed to be in Malaysia cut off from the world! I haven't seen her since she had only two kids, now she has four! It was so bizarre. We were so close in our younger days. We lived on the same road, almost directly opposite each other, our birthdays are a week apart, and even at school when the class was made to sit in register order, we always ended up sitting together because I came after her in the register. So weird!!

She came to my house again when I got home from work and we did some serious catching up (I even introduced her to the delights of Facebook!). Then when I walked her home I ended up staying till after 1am. Her kids welcomed me straight away, hugging me and calling me 'Aunty.' It was so nice. Imagine - I'm a week older than her, but she's married with 4 kids. She's so much more of an adult than me, but still as silly as she was before. Sigh. Maybe one day. But I'm glad she didn't ask that flippin patronising, stupid question 'So when are you gonna get a boyfriend?' I hate it. I have a friend who asks me that whenever we meet and I just laugh it off. Whatever man. But it was a nice evening.

Thursday 4 October 2007

You are the weakest link..

Dear Anyone,

Ok so I've done it. I've deleted Mr Undeserving's number from my phones, texts, call register and all, and I don't really know it off by heart. I know the beginning part, but the rest is a bit jumbled for me. I just know that there are a lot of eights. To be honest this isn't a big event or anything. It's not like he's the love of my life. Never that. It's just that he's the one who has been taking up my time unnecessarily, and if I ever want to find The One (even though I already know who he is) I have to rid myself of those who don't deserve me, right? Well that's what it says in the book The List. Not that I'm living my life according to self-help books, but it's always useful to have a guide. I have a feeling I might see Undeserving this Saturday, but even if I do I'm not going to swallow the bull he might try and feed me. Admittedly I do sometimes, but that's usually if I'm feeling lonely or in the need of some sort of attention, but now I need to be strong, and I will be strong dagnammit!!! You'll see.... (But if I come back and tell you that we spoke and I wasn't as strong as I'd hoped, please don't shout at me....Lol).

Friday 28 September 2007

Pissed In Both Senses

Dear Anyone,

It's Friday night and I'm sitting at home alone, getting tipsy on Amarula bought in Germany by my brother. And I'm pissed off because I came home to discover that this same brother has thrown my towel away, saying that I've had it for too long. WTF?? I was already slightly annoyed because I waited so long for the bus home, long enough to read through both the London Lite and The London Paper. Working till 10pm is starting to really do my head in. Then when I get to my room I find a 20 pound note on my bedside table. I'm thinking it's the other Bro 2 paying his share of the phone bill, but when I ask him he tells me it was Bro 1 who left it there so that I can buy another towel, because he thinks my current one is old. What the f*** does it have to do with you????? Do you even live here???? As long as I'm happy with it and wash it regularly, how does it affect anyone else's life? IT DOESN'T. Now I have to go and get a new one which I'll have to wash a few times so that it doesn't leave lots of fluffy bits on my body. I don't care that he left money to get a new one, I just see that as arrogant behaviour. What gives anyone the right??? Grrrr...

...I'm also pissed because I haven't heard from that damn Undeserving ignoramus. How can you come and tell me how much you like me, etc, and then behave the exact way I told you not to? The exact way you said you wouldn't. But of course I know I'm the idiot for not kicking that ish to the curb a long long long time ago. I know it's a BTN situation (Better Than Nothing), but I'm not going to let it bother me, because I know who I want and I know how I'm going to make it happen. So I'm going to enjoy my evening, catch up on Hollyoaks and EastEnders... and slowly get more pissed... in the good way...

Tuesday 25 September 2007

Tell Me...

Dear Anyone,

I need someone to tell me what exactly it is about me that screams "THE OTHER WOMAN!!!" Why do I only attract men who have wives or girlfriends?? Why am I not seen as the only woman?

I'm asking this today, because I have a feeling that someone at work is slightly attracted to me, but I could be just getting a bit ahead of myself. (And if he or anyone at work ends up reading this - please don't ask me who I'm talking about because I won't tell you. Could be a client, could be a team member, I'm not saying). I've done the married man thing, and I though I kind of feel bad that I went there, at the same time I don't 100% regret it. I was young, and I look at it as a learning experience. I learnt that I won't do it again, because married men who stray are just extremely weak, greedy and selfish (especially if he's 35 and the girl is only 23. Loser.).

But I always get unavailable guys. Always. Always always always. And if a guy is available, I'm just not attracted to him. I'm not apologising for it either. I used to feel bad if someone liked me and I didn't like him, so that made me end up getting involved with complete time-wasters, but now I'm not doing that anymore. Yes I want a relationship, and I'm going to moan and moan about it till your ears/eyes bleed, but I'm also not going to accept just any guy because he likes me. I'm at a serious point in my life, and I'm looking for someone who is in it for the long haul. Fair enough, I'm currently still giving time to someone who doesn't deserve me and who I definitely will not be marrying, but I'm going to put a complete end to that and he'll be the last of that sort.

I need to take a long, good look at my behaviour and see where it is I go wrong. Am I too friendly and easy-going? Maybe I should be a bit stuck-up, because they say nice girls finish last, don't they? 'Undeserving' (as he'll be known) has told me that I'm too nice for my own good, and I took that to mean that I let people get away with things that they shouldn't. Ha - not anymore sunshine..

Thursday 20 September 2007

Let's Try It This way

Dear Anyone,

I've created my first weblog! This is because I'm having problems writing in my notebook journal. I don't know why. I love writing. I always find any excuse to make a list, or write down suggestions, or just doodle, but when it comes to writing things I should be writing, I can't. I'm trying to pen my first book and it's like I'm scared of what to write. I don't understand it! Everything I want to say is in my head, but it's not coming out on paper or on screen the way I want it to. So maybe if I do this, I'll draw inspiration somehow. And those of you who end up reading this can maybe give me ideas on how to gain insight, inspiration and ideas (because I am soooo not an ideas chick).

This will hopefully be quite fun though. And even though (hopefully) people will read it, I'm going to try and be 100% honest about what I'm writing, otherwise it will defeat the purpose of my book really won't it? You'll find out more about my book later.

For now I'm off to bed... Later. x