Get The Guy

Dear Anyone,

I had a pretty eventful day yesterday! I'm still kind of high off the things that occurred...

It started off with a dating seminar I attended, with my new friend Single Girl. I've been reading her blog and it's amazing how much we have in common in terms of our experiences with men and our views on relationships etc. So when she told me about the 'Secrets of Attraction: Get The Guy' seminar, I knew it was something I could definitely benefit from. The guy who ran the seminar is called Matthew Hussey, and coincidentally a few days after she told me about it, I saw him doing a dating segment on This Morning, so obviously he had to be legit.

We learned a lot at the seminar, and the good thing about it was that it was coming from a man for once. I also found the variety of women there to be quite amazing. All ages, races, shapes and sizes - and I'm not saying that to sound contrived, I'm serious! It was so weird to think that all these women were having issues with finding meaningful relationships. Instead of me trying to recall everything Matthew said, I'm going to show you the notes I took, while they're still fresh...

The books we women read are regimented, saying things like "Don't accept a date within two days", which is nonsense because the time you're spending doing nothing on that Friday night is time you could be spending on a really good date, instead of pretending you have a life. Rules are dangerous, follow principles. A lot of books are by women which is the problem, because they are telling us what they THINK they know about men.

Some of the reasons some of the women were there were to:

Understand how men think and how to work with it

Find the confidence to approach guys

Find out why guys make such an effort to get your attention, but do so little to keep it

How to not fall into the friend-zone

Where and how to meet the right guy

'Competence breeds confidence' meaning 'practice makes perfect'.

When we go out we always stay with the group we're with, therefore not meeting new guys. If you don't initiate, he won't know you like him. The more attracted he is to you, the less likely he'll come over, men feel the same nerves we do.

Playing hard to get builds the attraction around the chase, not you. The only excitement will be in the chase and once he's got you he'll look for the next chase for more excitement.

When you spot a guy you like the look of:

STEP 1 - Make eye-contact and prolong it. Then smile as your personality allows. If you're cheeky you can even stick your tongue out at him. The look you give a guy makes a big difference. Being coy also works. Look at him 3 times to get the message across. (He told us to practice on the escalator in a tube station!)

STEP 2 - Find a reason to get within close proximity of him - find a reason. If you are at a bar for example, stand at an angle that looks like you're people watching.

STEP 3 - Make conversation. You can pay him a compliment, or again if you're a cheeky type you can say something corny on purpose ("Do you come here often?") as a joke, or comment on his drink, or ask if he's enjoying the evening/event. Men love to help women and be a knight in shining armour, so you can also ask him for a favour. His example was to ask the guy if he can hold your jacket for you while you take your friends' drinks to them. I was thinking maybe you could ask him if he can take a photo of you and your friends. Men love anything that makes them feel like a man. You can also make a statement: "You're a bit tall!" Just be playful.

TAKE SMALL RISKS AND HUGE THINGS HAPPEN

We should always remember: The pain of rejection pales in comparison to the pain of regret. Most people allow the quality of their lives to be determined by the thoughts of strangers.

KEEP THE GUY

Once you've been out on a date, there are various reasons it may not progress: He may not have felt enough attraction early on. There may not have been enough chemistry or sexual tension, but it doesn't mean that the date went badly.

A lot of men don't want to commit, because they have what is called a Blueprint: In their teens they're finding themselves, and usually in their 20s they have fun and sleep around because they don't want to miss out on all the things they hear about. By the time they think they want to settle, it's too late because the right woman they had has maybe gone with someone else, and therefore the guy marries Miss Anyone. It's possible to change a man's Blueprint, because it is created by the associations he makes with being in a relationship, which are usually negative (he'll get tied down, the sex will become boring, everything will change). The problem is that women end up believing it of themselves, so they get scared to bring it up with him.

How to create positive associations with 'relationship': Bring your best in every part of your life. If he says he doesn't want a relationship, just say 'ok' and continue to be fabulous. he will be confused, but he will work out for himself that he doesn't want you to be fabulous with anyone but him.

"YOU CAN EITHER WAIT OR CREATE" (OPPORTUNITIES)

R - ROADMAP What do you want? What type of guy? What type of relationship? Show all aspects of your personality - friendly, sex appeal, caring, etc.

A - ACCOUNTABILITY Have something in place that makes sure you go and experiment.

M - MENTOR Someone who has the most experience and pushes you to do it.

P - PEER GROUP (Important) Like-minded and supportive people. Single friends who are not moany, but will rather play in the mud with you and kick your arse and make you do it. Have one who is better than you at certain things, and all who are just as driven as you.

Big things that destroy relationships:

Jealousy

Over-analysing

Neediness

Competitiveness

Scenario: You're out with your man and he flirts with someone else:

- Get honest, not emotional. Language is important, don't use language that appeals to women, e.g. "I'm emotional" or "Stop that, it's upsetting me". Rather tell him: "That's not cool, I wouldn't do that and it's not of a standard I expect from someone I'm with. To be honest, it's a turn-off." Men don't ever want to hear that they are sub-standard and that they're doing anything other than turning you on!

Always make him feel like a man, men always like to feel like the hero. "Can I get your help with (something)?" "Babe I need you" "I love talking to you about this stuff because you're *insert compliment of what you want him to be*"

Pre-relationship you can say "I love it when men....." You'll see that he wants to be the man you want and he'll do whatever it was you said you love! (This has actually worked with me in the past!)

So...I was armed with all this new found knowledge, and after the seminar and a short private chat with Matthew himself, I attended a barbeque that none other than good ole Boy Wonder was also attending. Remember him? Well I saw him a week ago at (one of) SP's birthday celebrations, because he made a surprise guest appearance at the bar we went to. As soon as I saw him I think I was internally taken aback, but I didn't let it show externally... that would have involved some sort of banshee wail. He seemed a lot happier, completely jokey and that just made him so sexy to me. I realised that I haven't stopped liking him, I just haven't seen him for about 2 years, so it was put on hold. Now that he's saying he's back on the social scene.... boy....

Anyway, at the BBQ I had told the girls that I intended to speak to him (because the seminar and copious amounts of rum in the evening had me feeling brave), but I wasn't too sure how to start it off. SP told me to remind him that he owes me a drink, so I went with that. It was quite late last night / early this morning and I said to him: "You know you owe me a drink right?" His initial response was to be silly and pretend he was going to get me a drink from the kitchen, but I let him know that I wasn't referring to a free drink that I'd been serving all evening. What followed was about half an hour of... I don't even know how to describe it, but it was quite lovely! He was really tactile with me - holding my hands where our fingers were intertwined, holding me, hugging me. What I've taken away from that conversation is that he does like me (I think) but he doesn't feel he is currently at the stage of being the man I deserve. He kept saying "Look at you, why wouldn't I want to go out with you?" but he also kept saying "I don't want to be a bastard to you." He was completely honest with me, and I was with him (which shocked me!) and told him that I like him and have done for a long time, and he said that his circumstances haven't changed since the last time we spoke, which he made sure that I knew he hadn't forgotten. But the reason I'm a little puzzled is that he also promised that he would call me and take me out, and that he would never lie to me. I told him I'm not going to wait for him, but we also made an agreement and shook on it that when he sorts out his circumstances, I get first refusal. Oh, and I also asked whether he has a girlfriend and he says he doesn't. Obviously we were both kinda merry from drink, but it wasn't one of those drunken conversations that we wouldn't remember. I just found his physical openness really surprising, because we were practically in the middle of the room and even his friends were kinda taking the piss out of him, but he didn't seem to care.

I see him as a work in progress and even though I haven't come away with any sort of solid answer, I'm giddy from the way he was with me, because I've never seen him like that before. And I've also gained a slight satisfaction from knowing that he is AT LEAST attracted to me. That's something at least right? Now we wait for the phone call... except of course I'm not waiting for it...