Dear Anyone,
I've decided that men like the drama of a difficult girlfriend. They're completely attracted to it, it's what actually turns them on, and clearly where I've been going wrong. How else could you explain a 'complicated' situation? No relationship is ever complicated unless it will result in a person's death, and when is that ever the case??
I'm probably thinking mostly about Emperor. You probably gathered, since you haven't heard anything new about him, that there's nothing to report, and it's clearly obvious that he's decided to stay in his unfulfilling relationship, so I have decided to return to our previous, purely platonic friendship, otherwise I'd be sitting here waiting like a fool and I don't have time for that. In case you've forgotten - I'm 32.
I also have a feeling that Tod has a girlfriend, from things I've seen on Facebook.
There are two things that bug me about the above situations. Firstly, as I have already stated, I don't get why a drama-free, issue-free, non-difficult woman like me isn't better than one who carries her previous relationship insecurities, making her constantly suspicious. Obviously 'complicated' is where it's at. Maybe headaches are actually fun, and I just didn't get that memo. Secondly, and I can assure you that if Tod indeed does have a new girlfriend, I am in no way jealous simply because we are not suited to each other in the long-run. What gets my goat is - how is it fair that someone insincere like him, who doesn't treat women fairly, should then find happiness, and I'm still sitting here?! It wasn't supposed to work out that way. But then I'm not really surprised...
I guess I just have to sit here and watch everyone else progress in relationships, and keep praying for that whirlwind romance, which is currently my only hope.
Monday, 22 March 2010
Saturday, 20 March 2010
Dare To Jump
Dear Anyone,
I think I must be crazy. Yesterday I did a free fall at work for Sport Relief, and I'm sure I can still feel myself shaking!
When I say 'free fall' don't think I'm talking about falling from an aeroplane (as a lot of people thought) because I'm only a partial idiot, not a complete one. This fall was from the third floor of our office building, and yes I know it sounds quite low, but it wasn't.
I was completely fine leading up to it, because I wasn't really sure what would be involved, so I didn't know what to imagine, even though everyone was saying they'd never do it. But when I actually reached the platform and had my harness attached... wow... to say I was scared is a complete understatement. I was SH*TTING myself! I couldn't let go of the railing, even though the guy who was assisting kept telling me that I don't have to jump, just step off. There were so many people at the bottom watching me - ALL my colleagues plus others. It took me about three minutes in total to do the fall, because I kept sticking my foot out and nearly doing it, but then the vertigo got the better of me and I couldn't do it. Every time I almost did, I could hear the crowd go "Ooooooh" which was quite funny. But I knew I had to do it, so in the end another of my colleagues, who had gone before me, offered to jump with me. By the way - no one actually told me you could jump in twos! Honestly if I had known, I would have forced my manager (who tricked me into thinking she was doing it too) to go with me. But my colleague held my hand, so there was no way I could hesitate, otherwise he would have probably ended up dragging me down, then I would have suffered a mid-air cardiac arrest, banged my head on landing and probably died. There's no need for that kind of drama really is there?
I did it though! I screamed all the way down, but I did it! Everyone was cheering, and I landed on my arse, which was embarrassing, and I doubt I'll ever do such an activity again, but I managed to raise £125.50 for Sport Relief, so it wasn't all bad!
Wednesday, 17 February 2010
"I Want To Get Away, I Want To Flyyyyyyy Awayyyy, Yeah Yeah Yeaaaaah"
Dear Anyone,
I hate my job. Yeah, we're back on this again. Right now I'm at my desk, not supposed to be on the internet (but whatever), with a HUGE pile of paperwork to file away, which is late by the way, and I can't seem to bring myself to give a shite. I'm doing it, but my frustration builds with each file I reach for. Others here seem not to mind , but I actually couldn't care less about any of it. Instead I'm fantasising about what it must be like to love what you do. What a lovely feeling that must be.
I'm also thinking about leaving and going back to temping. Being a receptionist is a whole lot better than the monotonous, never-ending tasks I have to do here. The only problem with that is you never know how abruptly the job will end. Actually I don't mind that part at all, because an unexpected day off is a blessing, but it's the financial side of it, so I guess that won't be a good idea. BUT I NEED TO DO SOMETHING!!!!!!
Last month I joined a website for people who want to do internships in New York City, and I received a message from a company who run a website that sells designer clothing for children. The lady asked me if I would be interested in interning with them, so I discussed it with my life coach, and replied asking them when they would need someone to start, and how long they would like someone there for. I figured I could go for a month, so I would ask my employers here if it would be possible to take unpaid leave, see if I could get a donation from the Bank of Daddy, otherwise take out a small loan with the bank if necessary, and stay with my friend in New Jersey. It's not as impossible as I originally made it out to be in my head. But up till now I am yet to receive a response from them. It's ok though, because at least it made me start thinking about how I would realistically set the wheels in motion.
Emperor also told me about vacancies they have at his workplace in the city. The roles available are PA roles, which isn't media related as I would like it to be, but the money is WAY better than the pittance I'm whoring myself for here, and some of the roles are temporary, which is fine because I can still search for jobs, and at the very least I will be in a new environment. I sent him my re-worked CV, so I am awaiting news...
Anyway I better get back to this nonsense before someone comes and hassles me, which will result in me socking them in their face, then being suspended pending disciplinary action... Hmm then again....
I hate my job. Yeah, we're back on this again. Right now I'm at my desk, not supposed to be on the internet (but whatever), with a HUGE pile of paperwork to file away, which is late by the way, and I can't seem to bring myself to give a shite. I'm doing it, but my frustration builds with each file I reach for. Others here seem not to mind , but I actually couldn't care less about any of it. Instead I'm fantasising about what it must be like to love what you do. What a lovely feeling that must be.
I'm also thinking about leaving and going back to temping. Being a receptionist is a whole lot better than the monotonous, never-ending tasks I have to do here. The only problem with that is you never know how abruptly the job will end. Actually I don't mind that part at all, because an unexpected day off is a blessing, but it's the financial side of it, so I guess that won't be a good idea. BUT I NEED TO DO SOMETHING!!!!!!
Last month I joined a website for people who want to do internships in New York City, and I received a message from a company who run a website that sells designer clothing for children. The lady asked me if I would be interested in interning with them, so I discussed it with my life coach, and replied asking them when they would need someone to start, and how long they would like someone there for. I figured I could go for a month, so I would ask my employers here if it would be possible to take unpaid leave, see if I could get a donation from the Bank of Daddy, otherwise take out a small loan with the bank if necessary, and stay with my friend in New Jersey. It's not as impossible as I originally made it out to be in my head. But up till now I am yet to receive a response from them. It's ok though, because at least it made me start thinking about how I would realistically set the wheels in motion.
Emperor also told me about vacancies they have at his workplace in the city. The roles available are PA roles, which isn't media related as I would like it to be, but the money is WAY better than the pittance I'm whoring myself for here, and some of the roles are temporary, which is fine because I can still search for jobs, and at the very least I will be in a new environment. I sent him my re-worked CV, so I am awaiting news...
Anyway I better get back to this nonsense before someone comes and hassles me, which will result in me socking them in their face, then being suspended pending disciplinary action... Hmm then again....
Sunday, 14 February 2010
Schmalentines
Dear Anyone,
Yes I know the occasion celebrated today is a pagan/man made event, and it is designed to make us singletons feel like shite, and that you should not just focus on partners, but family and friends you love, and I do appreciate them whole-heartedly, and I have even been out today to treat myself to something new, using the theory that if I don't then no one will............... but I can't shake off the Single-and-feeling-like-shite-because-I-am-experiencing-my-32nd-Valentines-Day-alone feeling. (Yes I know it doesn't really kick in till teenage years, but I can't be bothered to do the math right now). And this proves that playing the field doesn't make a damn bit of difference in the long-run. Back to the drawing board I guess.
That's all. Rant over.
Yes I know the occasion celebrated today is a pagan/man made event, and it is designed to make us singletons feel like shite, and that you should not just focus on partners, but family and friends you love, and I do appreciate them whole-heartedly, and I have even been out today to treat myself to something new, using the theory that if I don't then no one will............... but I can't shake off the Single-and-feeling-like-shite-because-I-am-experiencing-my-32nd-Valentines-Day-alone feeling. (Yes I know it doesn't really kick in till teenage years, but I can't be bothered to do the math right now). And this proves that playing the field doesn't make a damn bit of difference in the long-run. Back to the drawing board I guess.
That's all. Rant over.
Thursday, 4 February 2010
Prince Charmer
Dear Anyone,
I know I seem to be talking about guys quite a bit recently, but making an effort to play the field brings with it some escapades! Last night I went to dinner with my friend Emperor, and I don't know whether or not it was a date, but if it was, then it was the most perfect date I've had yet!
Let me give you a little background: Emperor and I became friends last summer, while I was in New York with my cousins. I had posted a status on Facebook about how annoyed I was that they had chosen to waste a nice day in NYC by sleeping, so he asked me for my Blackberry messenger pin (don't worry - we have a mutual friend, so he wasn't a complete stranger), and we basically got to know each other over the course of the next few months. He's handsome, funny, intelligent, has a very good job, etc etc, but I never allowed myself to think of him as anything other than a friend, because he's always been in a relationship. We met in person for the first time at a party in November, and saw each other again in up North in December, where he told me that he'd broken up with the girlfriend earlier that week, and that led to us becoming a little intimate that weekend, which then led to confusion and complication in my head.
Anyway, he'd promised to take me out for a friendly dinner in early December, but then had to postpone due to work, so we finally managed to reschedule. We arranged to meet up in the city at 7.45pm and both arrived at exactly 7.45pm (we must have been starving!). He showed me around the area briefly, because that's more or less where he works, then we headed to the restaurant - a very nice place that specialises mainly in steaks. Everyone seemed to have heard of it but me! He'd booked the table for 8pm, but it wasn't quite ready, so we started with a bottle of Rose while we waited, and just chatted away. He was a little frustrated from his day at work, so he was venting, which was cool. When our table was ready we went down in a lift, they brought our bottle and glasses for us and took our coats, showed us to our seats - it was all very posh dahling. The meal was lovely and filling, we had another bottle of Rose, converstaion flowed wonderfully (we spoke about almost everything and anything random) - I had such a good night, even though at times I felt a bit like Crocodile Dundeena who had been plucked from the village and dropped in the middle of the metropolis! Throughout the evening whenever I looked at him I thought to myself: "Wow, you're actually the definition of handsome."
After he settled the bill, it was way past 11pm and he asked the waitress to call a cab for us -something I definitely was not expecting. I'm used to paying for my own cab, or being escorted to the bus stop, so this moved him even further into the 'What A Gentleman!' box. And to top it off, he lives nowhere near me, but the cab dropped me home first before taking him... wow indeed. During the journey he told me that I looked nice (and thought that I must have been insulting him for not saying it to me sooner, but of course I wasn't) and then administered his man manoeuvres that resulted in us holding hands. I thought it was so funny and sweet, but obviously I was laughing inside. Then he told me that he would like to kiss me, so I thought it was ample time to ask him about his relationship status. Now, looking back over the experiences I have had with men over the past few years, what would you guess his response was?.......................................................... Those of you who shouted "He's unavailable, didn't you realise it was too good to be true?!" should give yourselves a gold star and a pat on the back. He said that they broke up in December, got back together in January, but he hadn't seen her for a while, so it has been very on/off. I think my whole body physically deflated, and he probably noticed it too. Story of my life really. I told him that he needs to sort it out once and for all, because I'm not interested into the sharing thing, and he said he hears what I'm saying. I hope so.
When we arrived at my place I told him he could walk me to my door, so he did. I thanked him for a lovely evening, and he thanked me for coming out with him. Now, I don't know about you, but I like it when the things I do include a beginning, a middle and an end, and after such a nice evening I didn't feel it would have been right to just shake hands or hug and then go our separate ways....... so I let him kiss me instead. And I didn't feel bad one bit, because I think I deserved it. So there. He invited me to go back to his place with him, but I think he was just caught up in the moment, because that wasn't going to happen, so I politely declined. I left about half an hour before I sent him a message to say thanks again, and that I really would like him to decide what his situation is, and he said he would. Then I went to sleep smiling....
I know I seem to be talking about guys quite a bit recently, but making an effort to play the field brings with it some escapades! Last night I went to dinner with my friend Emperor, and I don't know whether or not it was a date, but if it was, then it was the most perfect date I've had yet!
Let me give you a little background: Emperor and I became friends last summer, while I was in New York with my cousins. I had posted a status on Facebook about how annoyed I was that they had chosen to waste a nice day in NYC by sleeping, so he asked me for my Blackberry messenger pin (don't worry - we have a mutual friend, so he wasn't a complete stranger), and we basically got to know each other over the course of the next few months. He's handsome, funny, intelligent, has a very good job, etc etc, but I never allowed myself to think of him as anything other than a friend, because he's always been in a relationship. We met in person for the first time at a party in November, and saw each other again in up North in December, where he told me that he'd broken up with the girlfriend earlier that week, and that led to us becoming a little intimate that weekend, which then led to confusion and complication in my head.
Anyway, he'd promised to take me out for a friendly dinner in early December, but then had to postpone due to work, so we finally managed to reschedule. We arranged to meet up in the city at 7.45pm and both arrived at exactly 7.45pm (we must have been starving!). He showed me around the area briefly, because that's more or less where he works, then we headed to the restaurant - a very nice place that specialises mainly in steaks. Everyone seemed to have heard of it but me! He'd booked the table for 8pm, but it wasn't quite ready, so we started with a bottle of Rose while we waited, and just chatted away. He was a little frustrated from his day at work, so he was venting, which was cool. When our table was ready we went down in a lift, they brought our bottle and glasses for us and took our coats, showed us to our seats - it was all very posh dahling. The meal was lovely and filling, we had another bottle of Rose, converstaion flowed wonderfully (we spoke about almost everything and anything random) - I had such a good night, even though at times I felt a bit like Crocodile Dundeena who had been plucked from the village and dropped in the middle of the metropolis! Throughout the evening whenever I looked at him I thought to myself: "Wow, you're actually the definition of handsome."
After he settled the bill, it was way past 11pm and he asked the waitress to call a cab for us -something I definitely was not expecting. I'm used to paying for my own cab, or being escorted to the bus stop, so this moved him even further into the 'What A Gentleman!' box. And to top it off, he lives nowhere near me, but the cab dropped me home first before taking him... wow indeed. During the journey he told me that I looked nice (and thought that I must have been insulting him for not saying it to me sooner, but of course I wasn't) and then administered his man manoeuvres that resulted in us holding hands. I thought it was so funny and sweet, but obviously I was laughing inside. Then he told me that he would like to kiss me, so I thought it was ample time to ask him about his relationship status. Now, looking back over the experiences I have had with men over the past few years, what would you guess his response was?.......................................................... Those of you who shouted "He's unavailable, didn't you realise it was too good to be true?!" should give yourselves a gold star and a pat on the back. He said that they broke up in December, got back together in January, but he hadn't seen her for a while, so it has been very on/off. I think my whole body physically deflated, and he probably noticed it too. Story of my life really. I told him that he needs to sort it out once and for all, because I'm not interested into the sharing thing, and he said he hears what I'm saying. I hope so.
When we arrived at my place I told him he could walk me to my door, so he did. I thanked him for a lovely evening, and he thanked me for coming out with him. Now, I don't know about you, but I like it when the things I do include a beginning, a middle and an end, and after such a nice evening I didn't feel it would have been right to just shake hands or hug and then go our separate ways....... so I let him kiss me instead. And I didn't feel bad one bit, because I think I deserved it. So there. He invited me to go back to his place with him, but I think he was just caught up in the moment, because that wasn't going to happen, so I politely declined. I left about half an hour before I sent him a message to say thanks again, and that I really would like him to decide what his situation is, and he said he would. Then I went to sleep smiling....
Friday, 22 January 2010
Gone Fishing Again
Dear Anyone,
As I mentioned before, I've decided to try the dating website thing, and so last night I went on another 'date' with another guy, Rusty, who I got chatting to. This outing was a little.... strange.
We started chatting via the website, then I gave him my instant messenger details and we communicated on there. I didn't give him my number the first time he asked, because it was too early for that, but I decided to after a little while. He's cute looking, easier to chat with than Fisher, drives (which is good, because he doesn't live that close to me) and generally I thought he seemed cool.
Two days ago he text me and asked if I would like to go out, before he goes on holiday, so I said yes, and we agreed on meeting for drinks in Brixton at 8pm the next day. I was actually looking forward to it a little bit, because I was intrigued. So, yesterday evening I called him to ask where we should meet, and he asked if I would be able to go a bit further than Brixton, because he thought he would be there all day, but what he had been doing had finished early. I didn't mind too much, since we agreed to meet in Colliers Wood which is in the middle of our two areas. I was about 15 minutes late, and he was already waiting at the tube station when I arrived. He recognised me straight away and gave me a hug, but I could tell by the way he was dressed that we might not be doing what we had planned. He was wearing a blue jogging top and red jogging bottoms - not really a bar outfit... I asked him where we would be going, because the area isn't much of a social one, and that's when he told me that he's a bit financially challenged at the moment, as he had just moved to a new flat and purchased an expensive bed, as well as being in-between jobs at the moment, so he didn't want to go to a bar and make a fool of himself. But, he added, he had drinks back at his place where he wouldn't be able to make a fool of himself. As you can imagine, that was not on my agenda and I told him as such, so he suggested that we go for a drive instead, which we did. I think he was a bit embarassed that the passenger side door couldn't open, due to a little car accident he said he was in a few days ago, so I had to sit at the back while he drove. To anyone looking from the outside, it would seem as though I was in a cab. The conversation was cool though, we didn't struggle to chat and it wasn't awkward, unlike with Fisher. He said he was driving back to his place to get his jacket, and it took about 20 mins or so. I waited in the car while he went up, and when he came back about five minutes later he asked me where I would want to catch the train home from, so I told him I would rather get the bus from Wimbledon, because it would take me straight home.
He started driving again and we ended up in Wimbledon, and he told me that he would come and wait for my bus with me, which made me think Ok, I guess I'm going home now then. We sat in the car for about 15 mins more, chatting about America, starsigns, and other things I can't really remember right now. Then we got out of the car and made our way to the bus stop which was across the road. He actually had to run to catch the bus for me, because it arrived that quickly. So we hugged, he kissed me on the cheek, and I got on. That was it. The total time from when I met up with him to when I got on the bus was about an hour.
Here's what I think happened: He never actually intended for us to go to a bar. I think he had planned for me to go to his place, and when I declined he didn't actually have a Plan B, which is why it wasn't really a date, more like just a 'meet up.' He wasn't really prepared, and I wouldn't have thought anything of it if he hadn't made it seem like we were going out for drinks. He sent me a message today apologising for the evening, and hoped it didn't put me off meeting him again. He also said he had been hoping for a kiss on the lips! When exactly would that have happened??? If I do see him again, I would rather it be when he gets back from his trip and is a bit more settled, where we can at least go and chill and chat somewhere - not his place, I ain't no hussy! He seems like a nice, sweet guy, definitely attractive, but I'm not in a rush so I hope he isn't either.
The search continues...
As I mentioned before, I've decided to try the dating website thing, and so last night I went on another 'date' with another guy, Rusty, who I got chatting to. This outing was a little.... strange.
We started chatting via the website, then I gave him my instant messenger details and we communicated on there. I didn't give him my number the first time he asked, because it was too early for that, but I decided to after a little while. He's cute looking, easier to chat with than Fisher, drives (which is good, because he doesn't live that close to me) and generally I thought he seemed cool.
Two days ago he text me and asked if I would like to go out, before he goes on holiday, so I said yes, and we agreed on meeting for drinks in Brixton at 8pm the next day. I was actually looking forward to it a little bit, because I was intrigued. So, yesterday evening I called him to ask where we should meet, and he asked if I would be able to go a bit further than Brixton, because he thought he would be there all day, but what he had been doing had finished early. I didn't mind too much, since we agreed to meet in Colliers Wood which is in the middle of our two areas. I was about 15 minutes late, and he was already waiting at the tube station when I arrived. He recognised me straight away and gave me a hug, but I could tell by the way he was dressed that we might not be doing what we had planned. He was wearing a blue jogging top and red jogging bottoms - not really a bar outfit... I asked him where we would be going, because the area isn't much of a social one, and that's when he told me that he's a bit financially challenged at the moment, as he had just moved to a new flat and purchased an expensive bed, as well as being in-between jobs at the moment, so he didn't want to go to a bar and make a fool of himself. But, he added, he had drinks back at his place where he wouldn't be able to make a fool of himself. As you can imagine, that was not on my agenda and I told him as such, so he suggested that we go for a drive instead, which we did. I think he was a bit embarassed that the passenger side door couldn't open, due to a little car accident he said he was in a few days ago, so I had to sit at the back while he drove. To anyone looking from the outside, it would seem as though I was in a cab. The conversation was cool though, we didn't struggle to chat and it wasn't awkward, unlike with Fisher. He said he was driving back to his place to get his jacket, and it took about 20 mins or so. I waited in the car while he went up, and when he came back about five minutes later he asked me where I would want to catch the train home from, so I told him I would rather get the bus from Wimbledon, because it would take me straight home.
He started driving again and we ended up in Wimbledon, and he told me that he would come and wait for my bus with me, which made me think Ok, I guess I'm going home now then. We sat in the car for about 15 mins more, chatting about America, starsigns, and other things I can't really remember right now. Then we got out of the car and made our way to the bus stop which was across the road. He actually had to run to catch the bus for me, because it arrived that quickly. So we hugged, he kissed me on the cheek, and I got on. That was it. The total time from when I met up with him to when I got on the bus was about an hour.
Here's what I think happened: He never actually intended for us to go to a bar. I think he had planned for me to go to his place, and when I declined he didn't actually have a Plan B, which is why it wasn't really a date, more like just a 'meet up.' He wasn't really prepared, and I wouldn't have thought anything of it if he hadn't made it seem like we were going out for drinks. He sent me a message today apologising for the evening, and hoped it didn't put me off meeting him again. He also said he had been hoping for a kiss on the lips! When exactly would that have happened??? If I do see him again, I would rather it be when he gets back from his trip and is a bit more settled, where we can at least go and chill and chat somewhere - not his place, I ain't no hussy! He seems like a nice, sweet guy, definitely attractive, but I'm not in a rush so I hope he isn't either.
The search continues...
Friday, 1 January 2010
Dawn of a New Decade
Dear Anyone,
2010 eh? Can you believe it? It has been a whole decade since the world was supposed to shut down due to the Millennium Bug. A whole ten years ago! And I remember the year 2000 so well. I was extremely unemployed after finishing university, and I became depressed, and did plenty of courses to try and stay relevant. Wow... the old days. In 10 years time I'll be 42... SO MUCH NEEDS TO HAPPEN IN THAT TIME! A career, marriage and two kids at least.
I haven't actually set any goals for myself this year, I don't feel like I can be bothered. I know what I'd like to do, and I'll do what I can to make them happen, but right now the whole new year's resolution thing is a bit tiresome to me. I'm definitely not doing that "this is going to be my year" nonsense either. Apparently it's been my year for the past 10 years - I should be running around giddy in Exstatic-Land!
I do think I'm a lot more proactive nowadays, however. Maybe not as much as I should be in terms of finding a new 9-5, but I am with the freelance writing, and definitely in playing in the field of Find a Boyfriend. I just don't want to play that field for too long, I want to hit a home-run and go and celebrate!
Hopefully this year will be a good one, and it will be as soon as I find a well-paying gig that will lead to everything else falling into place.
2010 eh? Can you believe it? It has been a whole decade since the world was supposed to shut down due to the Millennium Bug. A whole ten years ago! And I remember the year 2000 so well. I was extremely unemployed after finishing university, and I became depressed, and did plenty of courses to try and stay relevant. Wow... the old days. In 10 years time I'll be 42... SO MUCH NEEDS TO HAPPEN IN THAT TIME! A career, marriage and two kids at least.
I haven't actually set any goals for myself this year, I don't feel like I can be bothered. I know what I'd like to do, and I'll do what I can to make them happen, but right now the whole new year's resolution thing is a bit tiresome to me. I'm definitely not doing that "this is going to be my year" nonsense either. Apparently it's been my year for the past 10 years - I should be running around giddy in Exstatic-Land!
I do think I'm a lot more proactive nowadays, however. Maybe not as much as I should be in terms of finding a new 9-5, but I am with the freelance writing, and definitely in playing in the field of Find a Boyfriend. I just don't want to play that field for too long, I want to hit a home-run and go and celebrate!
Hopefully this year will be a good one, and it will be as soon as I find a well-paying gig that will lead to everything else falling into place.
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