Bore Off...

Dear Anyone,

I'm bored. I don't just mean right at this minute, I mean generally in life. Really I shouldn't be, because I do have a few things coming up. Like for instance, I'm going to Paris for one night this Saturday with the girlies who I went to Cannes with in April. It's sort of a reunion and it's going to be crazy, but overall it'll definitely be fun.

And I've got a fun-filled Cousins Weekend two weeks afterwards, at Wonder's house. Drinking, partying, drinking, eating, drinking, playing games, drinking, chatting, drinking and gossiping. We might also have a couple of drinks at some point.

And I'm going away at Christmas for my dad's 60th birthday/retirement party. I'm hoping that would be fun, but since the cousins that were supposed to come are no longer coming, and none of my friends will be there - who knows? I know what I'm talking about, I've spent many a boring Christmas at my dad's.

But then what after that? I'm kind of bored in advance of life (if that makes sense!). I'm not going to harp on about it, just thought I'd mention it. That's all.

Kick Up The Bum

Dear Anyone,

One of my friends on Facebook posed a question in his status, asking why people put up with disrespect in the name of love. One of his friends responded with a long but very interesting view, which is basically common sense and nothing new, but at this time I feel that it's something I need to hear...

"Love can be crazy like that! It doesn't see your short comings! That’s why leaving an abusive relationship can be painful - your common sense tells you "you're stupid to stay!", while your heart tells you "don’t give up!"

(The best thing to do is to) reveal to the disrespectful person that they are being very disrespectful to you, and that it hurts, and if they don’t care, and are not willing to make changes for the better....accept that they don’t love you, separate from them, and deal with the pain! It will only make you stronger and wiser and less of a mug!

A lack of self worth can come from being treated wrongly in the past, e.g. from parents, teachers, anyone who plays an important role in your life, or who you looked up to as a child. You grow up thinking this is the norm, unless someone sheds some light on things.

Trying to change someone else is a fools game! You cannot change anyone. People change if THEY really want to. You might have some temporary success in it, but you end up pushing away the one you're trying to change.

Love does not hurt, and can not, because its not an emotion. But we FEEL we can identify love through such things as affection, giving, spending time together....all good. Love is the total opposite to selfishness - it is selfless... The things that stem from LOVE are: Peace, Joy, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, Self-Control....and many more things we can name that are good, can come under these.

The perfect demonstration of LOVE is JESUS. He came, suffered and died for you and I, so that we could receive eternal life and be with Him for eternity in Heaven. Now if you could really understand how extreme that is, to be so selfless, and pay the price for people who hate you, who whip you with a whip that rips the skin off your bones, and then to be spat at, punched, cursed and then to be nailed to a cross, and had done nothing wrong....but still willing to go through with it, because of knowing that He would gain YOU! Now that’s LOVE my friend, and it didn’t feel good, it hurt! To this day I know nobody who's willing to do that for me!

Why would I reject such a LOVE? I can’t!"

So simple, yet it's a kick I think I need...

Play Your Silly Games

Dear Anyone,

Things haven't been going too well with Tod recently, and I'm starting to get a little tired of it to be honest.

A couple of weeks ago my friend Shar informed me of rumours she had been told, involving Tod and other girls, so naturally I asked him about it. I didn't do it in any sort of accusing manner, I merely said to him that this is what I've heard, it's upset me and I want just want to know if it is true or not. Not surprisingly he flipped, and stuttered his way through his denial, saying that he's tired of people making things up about him, and that if it was true he would admit it to me and apologise.

For some strange reason he seems to think that Shar is the one responsible for the rumours, even though he knows who it was that had told her. For the rest of the day it was drama, phone calls and arguments between him (and his friend who has nothing to do with it), the person who the story came from and Shar. To be honest I have never seen him deny something so vehemently as he did that day, and has been since. Normally he'd try to brush it off, which would let me know he's lying, but the fact that he was making calls all over the place, and appearing to be extremely angry makes me think that maybe it was a lie. But he can't be surprised - sometimes your reputation precedes you, and sometimes it will follow you forever.

Now he's behaving like it's his time of the month - sulking, being distant, acting like he doesn't care about anything, and generally being miserable. Any time I ask what's wrong, he just says "Nothing" or "I dunno, I dunno." All he has said is that he now feels skeptical about things, because people keep telling lies about him, and he knows that things feel a bit different with us now, but he's trying to get it back to how it was. I can kind of see what he's doing though; he's almost trying to turn it around on me, and make me feel guilty for asking him about it. Sorry but that will not be happening here. I can understand if he is annoyed with me, because it may look like I don't trust him, but in all honesty I don't 100%. I can't help it, that's just how I feel. I definitely trust him more than I did in the beginning last year, but not whole-heartedly, and I think most of it is to do with the whole secrecy of us seeing each other. Not to say that I want to go blurting out details of my private life to all and sundry, but if people know, then they know. It's not a big deal to me. As I said to him - people will always talk, that's human nature, but they will get bored of the current subject and move on to the next.

I also get the impression that he is afraid of his feelings. Maybe he was liking me too much, so he's pulling away. I know that he (of all people!) is afraid of getting hurt, mostly because his ex-girlfriend left him for his friend, and he's not really able to get over that. There's always one that messes it up for everyone else! But it's still no excuse. I don't care anyway. Actually that's a lie, I do care, but I'm just not going to bother myself anymore. Any serious guy would rather try to re-assure me that I have nothing to worry about, and make sure that everything is ok between us. So this case leads me back to the title of the good book - He's Just Not That Into You...

Muscle Bound?

Dear Anyone,

I had a surprising conversation with Muscle last night, and there's one part that I don't know what to make of.

While in the middle of getting a lecture from my mum about what I'm doing with my life, I decided to browse Facebook on my phone (so she would think I wasn't interested in what she was saying. Childish? Maybe... so sue me) and noticed that I had a message in my inbox from Muscle. He entitled it "Yes I'm being cheeky but..." and proceeded to tell me that while on his way home from a friend's house, he was in my area and was extremely tempted to call me and ask whether he could come and stay the night, because it was cold, he was very far from home, and public transport wasn't working properly. He ended the message with " Yes... maybe even a step beyond cheeky..."

I was so surprised, and I could tell that it wasn't a joke. In theory it's a VERY nice idea, in practice it just would not work at all. It really wouldn't be fair on me, because he broke it off with me, so that would just suggest that he'd want me to become a friend with 'benefits'. Uh-uh. None of that, thank you very much. He's the kind of guy I would want to be with in the long-term, so if there's no chance of that, then we will remain good friends and nothing more.



However, we did have a very good phone conversation not long afterwards. During the email exchanges (which contained flirting - on his part of course) he gave me his new mobile phone number and said that I could call him if I was still feeling 'spritely,' so I did. He asked me how the conversation with my mum had gone, and I told him that I kind of understood what she was saying, but it was also getting on my nerves, because I wasn't in the mood for it or expecting it at all. Then we got to what exactly it is I want to do career-wise, and I told him about all my media efforts in the past, and how I'm fed up with application rejections, but that I really need to leave my current work place. He suggested I start at the very beginning and make three separate lists; what I have learned in my jobs so far, what I am good at, and what I enjoy. From my final answer I should be able to decide exactly what type of career I want. He's good isn't he?!



We spoke for about an hour, and it was really nice. He's very intelligent and a good conversationalist. When I told RG about it today, she said it sounds like I still like him. Well I am still attracted to him, mostly because he's the one who ended it, so it's not as though I went off him. When someone is as sexy as that, it's not easy! But I don't sit there pining and wishing I was still with him, because that would be a complete waste of time. No one knows what will happen in the future, so as with everything in life, we just wait and see...

Worth Waiting For?

Dear Anyone,

Yesterday RG and I had a discussion about 'The One'. Now she, being the ultimate romanticist, believes that he is out there, and that you should be patient and wait for things to happen, because they will, as it is written in your destiny from the day you are born. I, on the other hand, don't share the same views exactly. Call me pessimistic if you like, but I see it more as 'realistic.'

I definitely believe that there is someone for everyone. Actually I believe there are three perfect people for every person. But to me, a big chunk of my disbelief is due to my age. RG is five years younger than me, so in a way she still has quite a bit of time to meet The One, and be with him for a few years before getting married and starting a family. I am nearly 31 and I am starting to believe less and less that I'm going to find 'Him'. I might end up settling for someone who feels strongly for me, but whose feelings I can't fully reciprocate.

When I told her this, she reeled off a list of couples we know of, who consider each other to be The One. The problem for me is that they all met each other at young ages. One couple have been married for two years, but the girl is RG's age - so that doesn't count. Another couple are the same age as me and about to have their first child. "That's not so bad," you might say, but they've been together since they were about 16, so that doesn't count. Another couple were married last year. They are slightly older than me, but again they have been together for over 10 years - so they don't count either. What do they all have in common? Answer: a head start.

Until my experience of Boy Wonder (or lack thereof) and also dating Muscle, I used to believe that I could find someone who ticked at least 90% of my boxes. I considered those two to have ticked that amount. But obviously it didn't work out with either of them, so now I'm thinking that for the sake of my biological clock, I should just work with what I'm given. I don't want to be 38, 40 or 45 before I have my first child. I didn't even want to be 30 before becoming a mother, but... well... what choice do I have now?

I know what a good catch I am, and what a great girlfriend I would make, but what is the point of walking around thinking this if you don't get a proper chance to prove it? I could recite 'I'm great, I'm hot, I'm fab' in the mirror as many times a day as I'd like, but really they're just words. How can it proven?

This all sounds really sad, I know, but I guess I'm just losing faith. I haven't completely lost it all, but it is waning. RG asked whether I believe that by hanging around successful people, it could rub off on you to also become a success. I believe that with everything else but relationships. One thing I hate is being the only single person around couples. I find it extremely uncomfortable and quite depressing, so the last thing I am going to do is purposely hang around all my paired-up friends, thinking that this will help The One spot me in the crowd. I think SP already knows this about me, because I always ask who else will be there if she invites me somewhere with her and Joseph.

I will do my best to get out of the 'realistic' way of thinking, and embrace the 'optimistic' one, but I won't lie - that will take plenty of time...

These Are My Confessions...

Dear Anyone,

Before I begin, may I please ask that you don't judge me or tut or roll your eyes while you read? I'm a grown woman, therefore I won't spout all that spiel about knowing what I'm doing etc, because I hardly ever know what I'm doing - ha ha!!

So... for the past three months or so, I have been seeing/occasionally spending time with someone who maybe I should, because we get on so well, or maybe I shouldn't because I don't know how serious he is, and you all know how serious I am. He's been mentioned before. You may remember him as........ Undeserving... but let's now call him Tod.

Okay okay, yes I know, he's got three kids with three women, physically he's not my type at all, he's just over a year younger than me, if my dad knew he worked on public transport by day, he would probably have me stoned, and I don't even know if he could relate to my friends, but I do like him for some reason, and he has been very consistent recently.

In June/July he kind of expressed that he really likes me, when he called me one day and told me in a very complicated way (typical of him) that I’d been on his mind for the whole day. He was at a barbeque at his Mum’s house when he called, so that alone made me think ‘Wow - he’s among his family and friends and he’s thinking of me.’ Since then we’ve spoken literally every day, often multiple times a day, and it’s nice because it hasn’t been about any game playing with the usual ‘I called him/her last, so he/she should call me next’ nonsense.

When I was going to Barbados, I was with him the night before, and then he texted me after a couple of days saying ‘I thought you said you were gonna call’. Before leaving, he had mentioned a couple of times that I should call him if I can while I’m away, but I didn’t think he was serious, so I just humoured him by saying I would. I was able to call him quickly, and he told me he missed me, which felt nice. He does say that every so often, but again, I don’t really take him that seriously all the time, because of the jokey nature of our friendship. It’s always easier to take something as a joke if I’m not sure, for fear of making an idiot of myself.

He went to New York at the end of August, for two weeks, and the day he came back he asked me to go and see him, as tired as he was. He’d also brought back a gift for me (two Victoria Secret body sprays), and that was the first time he’s done that, considering he travels quite often. I am still waiting for my 30th birthday present though, and considering there are only 3 months left till my next birthday, I’d say he better get his skates on! (Yes I know that you and I both know that won’t be happening).

Being a DJ he travels up and down the country to play, and most of the time he'll call while on his journey with friends, just to say where he is, or play me a new mix he has done that they'd be listening to. If I’m at his place and he has friends round, he is still affectionate towards me, and sometimes I am a bit hesitant, because a) I am shy, and b) I don’t know what he’s told them about me. I could be the girl for that particular day of the week, and with them being male/his friends, they won't tell me anything I need to know - they're all probably doing the same thing!

The problem is that the trust isn’t 100% there, because of the way he was with me last year, the fact that he's a DJ, and the fact that he has to have a close relationship with his children’s mothers. I am especially suspicious of the mother of his youngest child. I think she still considers him to be her man, and she might well have reason to, because I don’t know what he tells her. Why am I so afraid to ask guys what the deal is between us?! That is my biggest issue when it comes to me and men! I always put off asking crucial questions, and yet others don't seem to have that problem. Why???

So that’s it really. On one hand I think I know I’m wasting time with someone I won’t end up marrying, therefore I am always on the look-out. But on the other hand, my cousins keep telling me to always stop being so cautious because you never know what could be.

New Kids On The Blog

Dear Anyone,

I'm going to see New Kids On The Block in concert in January! I can't believe it! I've only waited so long for this! My friend Roxy booked the tickets for four of us today, as soon as they were put on sale, so we're going, we're going, WE'RE GOING!

I don't think you understand the love I had for this boyband when I was 12. I LOVED them. My love for them was only a very very close second to Michael Jackson (and yes, you can say what you like about MJ - he was the BEST). I had all the posters on the wall and everything. My every last penny was spent on buying any magazine they were featured in. I even made my dad sit at home and record one of their concerts when it was shown on satellite TV, because I had been out shopping with my mum, and I wouldn't have been home in time. I LOVED them.

My favourite 'kid' was Jordan. I couldn't believe that someone so beautiful could exist in real life. I thought he was perfect - even though he wore braces for quite a long time. I'm not too fond of those. I had a life-size poster of him on the wall above my headboard...and yes... maybe I kissed it a couple of times, or shall I say... he kissed me... I also used to tell myself that seven years wasn't a big age gap between us. I didn't see why a 19 year old wouldn't go out with a 12 year old. Obviously I now know that had he come anywhere near me (in that way) at that age, my parents would have had him hung, drawn and quartered.

I remember there was a girl in my year at school, who loved the group (and Jordan) just as much as I did. On her birthday her mum gave her a card in the morning, but told her not to open it until she arrived at school. When she opened it, two New Kids On The Block concert tickets fell out. She spent the whole day being smug and telling anyone who'd listen about her birthday present from her mum. I was so jealous, and I had all these visions of her meeting Jordan, and him fancying her and wanting her to be his girlfriend. Well look at me now 'R'! It's my turn! OK so it might have taken 18 years, but better late than never love!

So if you happen to bump into me on 24 January, and I'm wearing ripped stone-washed jeans, a baggy white t-shirt with neon print, and buttons, badges and pins all over my attire - you can "call it what you want, but I'll call it love!"