These Are My Confessions...

Dear Anyone,

Before I begin, may I please ask that you don't judge me or tut or roll your eyes while you read? I'm a grown woman, therefore I won't spout all that spiel about knowing what I'm doing etc, because I hardly ever know what I'm doing - ha ha!!

So... for the past three months or so, I have been seeing/occasionally spending time with someone who maybe I should, because we get on so well, or maybe I shouldn't because I don't know how serious he is, and you all know how serious I am. He's been mentioned before. You may remember him as........ Undeserving... but let's now call him Tod.

Okay okay, yes I know, he's got three kids with three women, physically he's not my type at all, he's just over a year younger than me, if my dad knew he worked on public transport by day, he would probably have me stoned, and I don't even know if he could relate to my friends, but I do like him for some reason, and he has been very consistent recently.

In June/July he kind of expressed that he really likes me, when he called me one day and told me in a very complicated way (typical of him) that I’d been on his mind for the whole day. He was at a barbeque at his Mum’s house when he called, so that alone made me think ‘Wow - he’s among his family and friends and he’s thinking of me.’ Since then we’ve spoken literally every day, often multiple times a day, and it’s nice because it hasn’t been about any game playing with the usual ‘I called him/her last, so he/she should call me next’ nonsense.

When I was going to Barbados, I was with him the night before, and then he texted me after a couple of days saying ‘I thought you said you were gonna call’. Before leaving, he had mentioned a couple of times that I should call him if I can while I’m away, but I didn’t think he was serious, so I just humoured him by saying I would. I was able to call him quickly, and he told me he missed me, which felt nice. He does say that every so often, but again, I don’t really take him that seriously all the time, because of the jokey nature of our friendship. It’s always easier to take something as a joke if I’m not sure, for fear of making an idiot of myself.

He went to New York at the end of August, for two weeks, and the day he came back he asked me to go and see him, as tired as he was. He’d also brought back a gift for me (two Victoria Secret body sprays), and that was the first time he’s done that, considering he travels quite often. I am still waiting for my 30th birthday present though, and considering there are only 3 months left till my next birthday, I’d say he better get his skates on! (Yes I know that you and I both know that won’t be happening).

Being a DJ he travels up and down the country to play, and most of the time he'll call while on his journey with friends, just to say where he is, or play me a new mix he has done that they'd be listening to. If I’m at his place and he has friends round, he is still affectionate towards me, and sometimes I am a bit hesitant, because a) I am shy, and b) I don’t know what he’s told them about me. I could be the girl for that particular day of the week, and with them being male/his friends, they won't tell me anything I need to know - they're all probably doing the same thing!

The problem is that the trust isn’t 100% there, because of the way he was with me last year, the fact that he's a DJ, and the fact that he has to have a close relationship with his children’s mothers. I am especially suspicious of the mother of his youngest child. I think she still considers him to be her man, and she might well have reason to, because I don’t know what he tells her. Why am I so afraid to ask guys what the deal is between us?! That is my biggest issue when it comes to me and men! I always put off asking crucial questions, and yet others don't seem to have that problem. Why???

So that’s it really. On one hand I think I know I’m wasting time with someone I won’t end up marrying, therefore I am always on the look-out. But on the other hand, my cousins keep telling me to always stop being so cautious because you never know what could be.