Positive or Realistic?

Dear Anyone,

It's no secret that I struggle with positive thinking. Like... in a need a shrink/counselling/hypnotherapy sort of way, if people really believe it's a way of life. I just don't find it realistic, and that's what I deal in - reality.

Case in point: A week ago today I thought it was going to be the first day of the rest of my life. I - for the first time since the dawn of civilisation - had a job interview. It was for a Copywriter position that SP had spotted a few days earlier on Twitter and sent to me. All it said was that Copywriters were required ASAP, and that was all I needed to know to send my details through. I then received an email from a woman saying that the role is quite a junior one, and she doesn't think it is what I'm looking for. Now the previous me would have taken that lying down, and been upset that I'd been rejected. But the really-really-need-a-new-job me responded saying that I am fine with it being a junior role, because it's related to writing which is what I want to do, and that I would welcome the opportunity to meet and discuss it further. I also asked for more info on the role, and sent examples of my work. When I received a response inviting me to come for an 'informal chat' about the job, I nearly fainted!

Last Monday I went for the chat, and she wasn't lying about it being informal. It was over in about 15-20 minutes. She told me about the job and what they're looking for, and asked about the notice required at my current work place. I showed her that I was extremely interested in the role. She said I seemed really nice and she doesn't see why I wouldn't pass the probation period. She brought the MD in to meet me, who was pretty much of the "I don't mind, it's up to you" attitude, and he asked her where we go from here. She said she had another person to see, but she'll let me know by the end of the day or the following day. Everything was very positive and I came out thinking about what I would say when handing my notice in, imagining myself in the role, what time I would have to leave home to get there (even though it's in relatively the same area I work in now), how I would work out my taxes (with it starting out as a freelance position), and things of that sort. When I hadn't heard from her by Wednesday I emailed to ask if a decision had been made yet, and she said she had an interview that day, then she'd sit with the directors in the afternoon. On Thursday I received an email from her featuring that infamous word 'unfortunately.' Apparently someone else was perfect for the role, so much so that instead of hiring two people for full and part-time positions, this fabulous, perfect person will have the strength of 10 men! Okay, two men. I should sue her for getting my hopes up.

Getting this close and being rejected has reignited my disbelief in positive thinking. I was upset, because I could actually see my foot stepping out of the door of my current job. I had unconsciously practiced the sort of positive thinking promoted in books like The Secret and Law of Attraction, where you envisage yourself with what it is you want, but that clearly didn't work. And it's not as if I had told myself to do it just because that's what the books say, I actually did it anyway. And what was the result? Exactly. Positive thinking works for those who constantly have positive things happen to them anyway. They can afford to believe in it, because they rarely experience the opposite. It's a bit like being born lucky. I choose to subscribe to the realistic way of thinking. In reality I don't actually have enough experience in one thing, just loads of little experiences in various things. When you tell me "It's their loss", that's not strictly true is it? They haven't made a loss by hiring someone with more experience than me. Be real. Just tell me that life's a bitch but you have to keep moving, because that's real.

Career (Give Me A) Break

Dear Anyone,

It's no secret that I don't enjoy my day job at all, and it shouldn't be a shock to you that I want to go and try working in New York for a while. Well I've kind of started to try and set those wheels in motion, but there are already things trying to get in my way.

Early last month we had our mid-year appraisals (or Interim review) at work, and my manager practically told me that I need to start taking risks if I want to get to where I feel I should be. She knows full well that this job isn't what I want to do, and she even sometimes sends me job vacancies she thinks I'd be interested in. She's very cool like that. She's all for helping people better themselves as they wish. So afterwards I contacted my friend Minnie who lives in New Jersey, and asked her if she could put together some figures and let me know roughly how much it would cost to stay in NYC for one month. I figured I should start small, so I'd initially try going for a month to see if I can network and set up some opportunities. The more people I meet who have decided to go freelance for whatever reason, the more envious I feel, and suffocated by this 9-5 working life. I don't think it would even be so bad if I was working in an office and doing something far more creative a varied, just not this monotonous filing crap.

I found out from Minnie that I'd probably need about $2,000 to be safe, but the best thing is that she said I should cut costs and come and stay with her. Where she is in New Jersey isn't a long journey into New York City, so it would be fine! So nice of her!

So last week I enquired with my employers about their policy on sabbaticals and career breaks, because the only information I had found concerned parents taking maternity, paternity or carers leave, or those who needed to amend their hours to care for a dependent, and can you believe they said they don't recognise career breaks and don't have a policy on sabbaticals. If I want time off I'd have to speak to my manager about it. What nonsense! Am I wrong in thinking that all companies are supposed to offer this?! I don't know where I got this from, but I thought that once you've been with a company for three years, you qualify for a sabbatical. Obviously not. When I asked my manager about it, she asked how long I would want to be off for and that I would have to come up with a proposal outlining how my month off and trip to NYC would relate to and benefit my job. Now Anyone, I'm not sure if I've told you this only once or 100 times - I do filing. Records management. There is not a molecule on my skin that has any intention of going to New York to find ways for me to continue doing that. I'm not going to improve THAT job, I'm going to hopefully make contacts and find writing or media related work.

Initially I was hoping to go in September, but since it's only a week away, that's not happening, so maybe October, and if not then the spring time. I would never choose to purposely put myself in NYC right in the middle of winter - I can't get rid of the memory of that cold my friends and I experienced there in 2005. I have a bit of money saved, but not nearly enough, though I have appealed to the Bank of Daddy and received approval, so I just need to give a figure and details of when I'm going.

I don't know what to do now though - help me! Any ideas?

Get The Guy

Dear Anyone,

I had a pretty eventful day yesterday! I'm still kind of high off the things that occurred...

It started off with a dating seminar I attended, with my new friend Single Girl. I've been reading her blog and it's amazing how much we have in common in terms of our experiences with men and our views on relationships etc. So when she told me about the 'Secrets of Attraction: Get The Guy' seminar, I knew it was something I could definitely benefit from. The guy who ran the seminar is called Matthew Hussey, and coincidentally a few days after she told me about it, I saw him doing a dating segment on This Morning, so obviously he had to be legit.

We learned a lot at the seminar, and the good thing about it was that it was coming from a man for once. I also found the variety of women there to be quite amazing. All ages, races, shapes and sizes - and I'm not saying that to sound contrived, I'm serious! It was so weird to think that all these women were having issues with finding meaningful relationships. Instead of me trying to recall everything Matthew said, I'm going to show you the notes I took, while they're still fresh...

The books we women read are regimented, saying things like "Don't accept a date within two days", which is nonsense because the time you're spending doing nothing on that Friday night is time you could be spending on a really good date, instead of pretending you have a life. Rules are dangerous, follow principles. A lot of books are by women which is the problem, because they are telling us what they THINK they know about men.

Some of the reasons some of the women were there were to:

Understand how men think and how to work with it

Find the confidence to approach guys

Find out why guys make such an effort to get your attention, but do so little to keep it

How to not fall into the friend-zone

Where and how to meet the right guy

'Competence breeds confidence' meaning 'practice makes perfect'.

When we go out we always stay with the group we're with, therefore not meeting new guys. If you don't initiate, he won't know you like him. The more attracted he is to you, the less likely he'll come over, men feel the same nerves we do.

Playing hard to get builds the attraction around the chase, not you. The only excitement will be in the chase and once he's got you he'll look for the next chase for more excitement.

When you spot a guy you like the look of:

STEP 1 - Make eye-contact and prolong it. Then smile as your personality allows. If you're cheeky you can even stick your tongue out at him. The look you give a guy makes a big difference. Being coy also works. Look at him 3 times to get the message across. (He told us to practice on the escalator in a tube station!)

STEP 2 - Find a reason to get within close proximity of him - find a reason. If you are at a bar for example, stand at an angle that looks like you're people watching.

STEP 3 - Make conversation. You can pay him a compliment, or again if you're a cheeky type you can say something corny on purpose ("Do you come here often?") as a joke, or comment on his drink, or ask if he's enjoying the evening/event. Men love to help women and be a knight in shining armour, so you can also ask him for a favour. His example was to ask the guy if he can hold your jacket for you while you take your friends' drinks to them. I was thinking maybe you could ask him if he can take a photo of you and your friends. Men love anything that makes them feel like a man. You can also make a statement: "You're a bit tall!" Just be playful.

TAKE SMALL RISKS AND HUGE THINGS HAPPEN

We should always remember: The pain of rejection pales in comparison to the pain of regret. Most people allow the quality of their lives to be determined by the thoughts of strangers.

KEEP THE GUY

Once you've been out on a date, there are various reasons it may not progress: He may not have felt enough attraction early on. There may not have been enough chemistry or sexual tension, but it doesn't mean that the date went badly.

A lot of men don't want to commit, because they have what is called a Blueprint: In their teens they're finding themselves, and usually in their 20s they have fun and sleep around because they don't want to miss out on all the things they hear about. By the time they think they want to settle, it's too late because the right woman they had has maybe gone with someone else, and therefore the guy marries Miss Anyone. It's possible to change a man's Blueprint, because it is created by the associations he makes with being in a relationship, which are usually negative (he'll get tied down, the sex will become boring, everything will change). The problem is that women end up believing it of themselves, so they get scared to bring it up with him.

How to create positive associations with 'relationship': Bring your best in every part of your life. If he says he doesn't want a relationship, just say 'ok' and continue to be fabulous. he will be confused, but he will work out for himself that he doesn't want you to be fabulous with anyone but him.

"YOU CAN EITHER WAIT OR CREATE" (OPPORTUNITIES)

R - ROADMAP What do you want? What type of guy? What type of relationship? Show all aspects of your personality - friendly, sex appeal, caring, etc.

A - ACCOUNTABILITY Have something in place that makes sure you go and experiment.

M - MENTOR Someone who has the most experience and pushes you to do it.

P - PEER GROUP (Important) Like-minded and supportive people. Single friends who are not moany, but will rather play in the mud with you and kick your arse and make you do it. Have one who is better than you at certain things, and all who are just as driven as you.

Big things that destroy relationships:

Jealousy

Over-analysing

Neediness

Competitiveness

Scenario: You're out with your man and he flirts with someone else:

- Get honest, not emotional. Language is important, don't use language that appeals to women, e.g. "I'm emotional" or "Stop that, it's upsetting me". Rather tell him: "That's not cool, I wouldn't do that and it's not of a standard I expect from someone I'm with. To be honest, it's a turn-off." Men don't ever want to hear that they are sub-standard and that they're doing anything other than turning you on!

Always make him feel like a man, men always like to feel like the hero. "Can I get your help with (something)?" "Babe I need you" "I love talking to you about this stuff because you're *insert compliment of what you want him to be*"

Pre-relationship you can say "I love it when men....." You'll see that he wants to be the man you want and he'll do whatever it was you said you love! (This has actually worked with me in the past!)

So...I was armed with all this new found knowledge, and after the seminar and a short private chat with Matthew himself, I attended a barbeque that none other than good ole Boy Wonder was also attending. Remember him? Well I saw him a week ago at (one of) SP's birthday celebrations, because he made a surprise guest appearance at the bar we went to. As soon as I saw him I think I was internally taken aback, but I didn't let it show externally... that would have involved some sort of banshee wail. He seemed a lot happier, completely jokey and that just made him so sexy to me. I realised that I haven't stopped liking him, I just haven't seen him for about 2 years, so it was put on hold. Now that he's saying he's back on the social scene.... boy....

Anyway, at the BBQ I had told the girls that I intended to speak to him (because the seminar and copious amounts of rum in the evening had me feeling brave), but I wasn't too sure how to start it off. SP told me to remind him that he owes me a drink, so I went with that. It was quite late last night / early this morning and I said to him: "You know you owe me a drink right?" His initial response was to be silly and pretend he was going to get me a drink from the kitchen, but I let him know that I wasn't referring to a free drink that I'd been serving all evening. What followed was about half an hour of... I don't even know how to describe it, but it was quite lovely! He was really tactile with me - holding my hands where our fingers were intertwined, holding me, hugging me. What I've taken away from that conversation is that he does like me (I think) but he doesn't feel he is currently at the stage of being the man I deserve. He kept saying "Look at you, why wouldn't I want to go out with you?" but he also kept saying "I don't want to be a bastard to you." He was completely honest with me, and I was with him (which shocked me!) and told him that I like him and have done for a long time, and he said that his circumstances haven't changed since the last time we spoke, which he made sure that I knew he hadn't forgotten. But the reason I'm a little puzzled is that he also promised that he would call me and take me out, and that he would never lie to me. I told him I'm not going to wait for him, but we also made an agreement and shook on it that when he sorts out his circumstances, I get first refusal. Oh, and I also asked whether he has a girlfriend and he says he doesn't. Obviously we were both kinda merry from drink, but it wasn't one of those drunken conversations that we wouldn't remember. I just found his physical openness really surprising, because we were practically in the middle of the room and even his friends were kinda taking the piss out of him, but he didn't seem to care.

I see him as a work in progress and even though I haven't come away with any sort of solid answer, I'm giddy from the way he was with me, because I've never seen him like that before. And I've also gained a slight satisfaction from knowing that he is AT LEAST attracted to me. That's something at least right? Now we wait for the phone call... except of course I'm not waiting for it...

Fishing Trip III Update

Dear Anyone,

Five days later.... I haven't heard from him. We'll call him Angelfish. I'm only a little bit surprised to be honest, because when I thought back to the date I couldn't really tell whether he liked me or not, or how well I thought it went.

Then it got me thinking about how slightly big-headed I must be, because it didn't actually occur to me that he wouldn't like me. Not that I think I'm all that in any way at all, but I spent all my time hoping I would like him that I didn't even think he would come away uninterested. But I'm pretty sure that's what's happened.

Oh well... on to the next I guess. I'm getting slightly extremely impatient now. Yes... slightly extremely.

Fishing Trip III

Dear Anyone,

I decided to go fishing again, as in I browsed the dating website Plenty Of Fish, which I haven't visited in a while, and yesterday evening I met up with a guy I spotted on the site.

About two weeks ago I was reminded of the site when it was mentioned on someone's blog, and I thought "Oh yeah - that!" So I logged in to see what was happening, but as usual it wasn't much. They have a new section you can click on that says 'We can predict who you will date and marry', and of course it sounds so ridiculous that I just had to click to see what they call a match. I spotted a guy who I thought looked pretty cute, and when I read his profile it made me laugh, because it was quite honest, humourous, and best of all - he wrote correctly!! I'm a bit of a snob when it comes to correct written grammar, and I've stated quite clearly on my profile that I don't want to be contacted by voluntarily illiterate guys.

I sent him a message to say I liked his profile and that he is one of my POF predictions, and he responded that he also liked my profile, and many things I posses are a catch to him. We sent messages back and forth for the next two days or so, but he was travelling to Turkey for a week that weekend, so in his last message he left his number, and I responded with mine, because I thought it better that he calls me since I didn't know when he'd be back... and also because I didn't want to be the first to call! He called me last Saturday (when he got back) and I missed his call, then when I called back, he missed mine, and this continued until Sunday afternoon! When we eventually spoke the conversation was cool, not awkward in any way. He seemed quite laidback and easy-going.

On Tuesday we chatted briefly via Blackberry Messenger and arranged to meet for after work drinks on Thursday. While I was waiting I was praying SO HARD for God to let me like him. I have to be honest: I liked his profile picture a lot, I showed it to my friends and my manager, but the subsequent photos he sent me didn't do him justice, and he looked totally different in all three pics, so I was really hoping he at least looked like a cross between Photo 1 and Photo 3. And God came through. He looked pretty much like his profile picture. He was dressed smartly in a suit (because obviously he was coming from work) and taller than me (which isn't very hard, fair enough, but some poor guys can't manage that!). He told me that his hayfever was quite bad that day, because he forgot his medicine. We went for drinks at a bar/restaurant near my workplace, and being that it was Happy Hour it was busy and we weren't able to sit, so we stood outside with our drinks and chatted. The conversation was cool, he asked a lot of questions and I asked questions back. We spoke about work, exercise, dating, the POF website, family, holidays, favourite foods, etc. He didn't seem as relaxed as I'd hoped, but I put that down to maybe nerves or discomfort with his hayfever. After an hour and a half and two cocktails each, we left. He offered me a lift home (and I didn't realise he had driven) and at first I declined, because he seemed really tired and had a long way to go, but he said it was no problem, so I let him. In the car he complimented me on my figure and said he can tell I work out quite a bit, to which I laughed and said that it was just good genes (and that's the truth, I can't afford to have muscles - the last thing I want is to look like some butch femme). When we got to my place we didn't stay in the car chatting or anything. I thanked him for the evening, and we just did the formal(ish) goodbye kiss on the cheek thing, and he said he'll speak to me soon.

There wasn't really any flirting on this date. My cousin Ursula described it perfectly when she asked me whether it was like going for drinks with a colleague. It kind of was, there wasn't really any chemistry as such, but I would be willing to meet again in a less 'formal' setting to see how he is. I sent him a message thanking him again this morning and I asked how his hayfever is, and he replied saying it was really nice meeting me and that his hayfever is much better today. So... I guess we'll see...

No More Cowards

Dear Anyone,

Yesterday I saw a photo of Emperor and his girlfriend, and not only did I realise that I am no longer attracted to him, but I also generally attract cowards. I'm not saying that every guy I've ever been involved with is a coward, because I know a lot of it is my fault for not spotting the bullshit earlier, but of late it does seem that way.

Emperor is a coward, because he didn't have the balls to tell me that he decided to stay in his difficult relationship, which in itself is also a bit of a cowardly act. I saw them at an event last month which is what confirmed it for me, even though it was obvious anyway from his silence on the subject. Every time we spoke, he was usually going on about work, as if there wasn't anything else we should be discussing. What.Ever.


Undeserving Tod was a coward because he didn't really want people we both knew to know that we were seeing each other, but it was fine for us to be around his mates. It was almost as though he was ashamed, but really it was so that he could see as many others as he wished.


Bumper didn't have the balls to admit he was in fact engaged and soon to be a father again.


There was another guy in my past who was supposedly in an unhappy relationship, but he was too scared to leave this unhappy relationship because he had a child with his girlfriend and another child from a previous relationship, and he didn't want to look like someone who has kids and leaves, or some such shite.


Oh - and I recently found out that Fisher, the first guy I met from the dating site, has a son who looks about three years-old. This is after him telling me he has no kids, blah blah blah. I'm not bothered at all really, just annoyed that he lied about something like that, but on the plus side, it showed me that you must ALWAYS go with your gut instinct.


I wouldn't call Muscle and Boy Wonder cowards really. I think Muscle just wasn't that into me or didn't know how to multi-task, and it just wasn't the right time or circumstances for Boy Wonder. Or maybe they're the ones I found most ideal and I'm making excuses for them! Ha ha! Who knows...


The search continues, and I'm hoping to break this cowardly cycle, but I'm also wondering if it's just a trait I have to expect in one way or another.

Still Single

Dear Anyone,

I'm kind of starting to get scared about how quickly this year is going, in terms of me finding a relationship. We're halfway through 2010, and I have no leads. Nothing! I still maintain that I want to get married in August next year, and I think that by me putting it out there in the Universe, it should happen, because the Universe should respond, right? Isn't that the secret of The Secret?

I have no updates on any guys I've previously mentioned - nothing juicy anyway. I saw Muscle a couple of weeks ago at a barbeque I invited him to, and he didn't stay long but we had a nice catch-up chat. I also went to an event that Emperor attended with his girlfriend, so that answers the questions I didn't have about that situation. Surprise surprise.

It feel like a lot of people are finding partners, and when I'm asked whether I'm single, the answer is still a resounding 'yes.' It's getting to the point where people think it's me being fussy, but I'm not. I'm not going to go on about it, because I can assure you that nothing has changed in terms of how I feel, I'm still quite lonely. I just don't want to become one of those people who everyone can rely on to be perpetually single.