The Downside of Chivalry

Dear Anyone,

I'm happy to say that a month on things are still going nicely with Joe, and we're still learning new things and getting to know each other.  He's still very much a gentleman, still very sweet, still very chivalrous.

One thing I have learned though, is that as wonderful as chivalry is, there can be a downside to it.  Who'd a thunk it eh?  Joe is the type of guy who insists that it's his place to pay when we go out, and that's fine with me.  He says he doesn't mind at all.  The problem is he's been a little short on cash the past couple weeks, due to big bills, etc, and so because of that when I went to his place two days ago that was the first time we'd seen each other in over two weeks (his sons staying with him at the weekends has also been a contributing factor).  I've said that we can just do something like go to the cinema and it will be my treat, but he's really not keen on that, and thinks it wouldn't be fair since I'm not employed at the moment.  We were supposed to go and see a film on Monday, but we didn't because he said he had to look after his sons unexpectedly.  That may have been true, but I also feel it was a bit of sabotage on his part, since he didn't want me to pay, and I was a little annoyed, because I was looking forward to it.  There's always the option of not going out and spending loads of money, and instead just chilling at his place, but his mum arrived from Barbados yesterday and is staying with him for God knows how long, therefore that idea might be on hold for now. 

So does this mean that his insistance on being the 'man' means that spending time together will be compromised??  I really hope it won't be.  I've never been into long-distance relationships let alone with someone who lives in the same city as me!  He did say I'm still welcome to go to his even though his mum is there, just no "sleepovers" for now...  That's a good sign I guess, right?    

50 First Dates Please!

Dear Anyone,

I've been meaning to update you for a week, but I haven't found the time, and now I'm glad I didn't, because now I have more to add to it anyway...

So... I've met someone.  And this one seems worthy of genuine excitement! Can you believe it??  It means that my theory about my room was right!  Ok, so here's the story up to this point - it might be a bit of a long'un:  

Some weeks ago my friend Shar told me she'd started chatting to a guy on good ole Plenty of Fish, and that he seemed pretty cool, but she wasn't looking for it to be anything romantic/relationship related, just friends.  She also sent me a photo of him, and I thought he looked cute, but I didn't think anything else of it.  Then nearly 3 weeks ago she messaged me saying that she really thinks I would get on with the guy she told me about, so she wants to introduce us.  I'm sure I've previously mentioned to you that I'm very uncomfortable with matchmaking, I find it too pressured, so I told her as such.  She said he's really nice, etc etc, I should just chat with him on Facebook and see how it goes.  After speaking to my other friend RG, who said that if anything I could just look at it as a guy to treat me to dinner and dates, I decided to step out of my comfort-zone and told Shar she could introduce us, so she did the Friend Suggestion thing on Facebook, and by the time I checked it, I'd already received a request from him and a message in my inbox and we got chatting.

His name is Joe, he's five years older than me, lives in London, has twin teenage sons, works in IT, writes very well (this is almost a turn-on for me I've realised), is of Bajan parentage, is very easy to talk to and so sweet.  We chatted on Facebook for about two days, then I gave him my phone number and we chatted for a day via text message, before he called me (on the Sunday).  Our first conversaion lasted over an hour, in which I learned that he has first seen my profile on POF about six months ago, and had tried to send me a message, but because my criteria is for a guy my age and up to three years older, his message wouldn't deliver.  Therefore he used points he had acquired to send a (virtual) gift along with a message, and waited and waited and waited for my reply, but because I hadn't logged into the site since about this time last year, I never saw it.  Then when he and Shar became friends on Facebook, he saw my photo in her friends list and told her how much he already liked me from my POF profile.  So it seems he already knew she was trying to hook us up (and I had told her not to tell him that she'd spoken to me - duh!). He asked me out on a dinner date to a lovely Thai restaurant for the following Saturday, which was last week.

The first date.  The first date, the first date, the first date.  Quite possibly the best first date I've ever been on.  We met up in the city when it started snowing like mad.  Some may see it as romantic, I see it as a hindrance in my attempt to look sexy.  He looked hot though - dark-skinned, bald, designer goatee, taller than me (thank you God!).  The chivalry during the entire evening wasn't just on point, it was above point!  Opening the car door, opening doors, ladies first, helping with my coat, paying - everything!! Conversation was fine, because we'd been speaking through the week. He was literally in awe of me - something I'm not at all used to - and just seemed really happy and shy at the same time.  The absolute highlight came after we'd finished eating our main meal.  There were plenty of birthday celebrations happening in the restaurant that night, so when the man from the front desk came to us holding a cake and asking whose birthday it was, I just thought he'd got it wrong and told him that we didn't have a birthday here.  But Joe signalled for him to put the cake down on our table, and it was a lovely chocolate cake with cherries and strawberries around it, and my name written in the middle.  I was speechless.  Joe then told me that it was a little something he wanted to do just to show his appreciation for me agreeing to come come out with him, because I didn't realise how much it meant to him.  To him it was almost fate that made him befriend Shar, which led to him finding me again. Wow!  I didn't even want to touch the cake, so I had it boxed up to take away.  It was lovely.  We left not long after that, because he was dropping me home and the snow was coming down quite hard.  He even carried my bag and walked me to my door, so... you know... I allowed a couple pecks on the lips during the goodbye.  I was smiling so hard for the rest of the night and Sunday too.

We went to the cinema two days later (I was off work and he bunked off work), then went out to eat two days after that, then went bowling two days after that.  Four dates within a week!  I'm a lil giddy, and extremely hopeful that this might be what I've spent the past 4+ years asking for!  He's very very sweet, VERY into me, very romantic, very tactile, he's told me that he could see himself falling for me, and that he wants to be with me.  I think I can see the same happening with me.  We hav a lot in common, in terms of what we like, what we think and how we think about things.  It's scary - but in a good way.  I've been imagining him meeting my friends and family and everyone liking each other.  I'm not used to this at all.  I know it sounds like it has happened very quickly (and yes it has), but you should know me by now to know that I don't enter into things blindly.  If tomorrow he should let me down, I won't have lost anything but hope and optimism.

So be happy that I'm smiling for once!  I'm going to keep you posted on the progress as often often as possible, but if you don't hear from me for a little while, it's because there's no internet access on Cloud 9*.

* That was corny as hell, but I did it on purpose :) 

Making Room

Dear Anyone,


A couple of months ago SP and I were talking about the guys in my life who say they want me, though their actions say otherwise.  This was after we attended an event where three guys I've previously been involved with were also in attendance.  I thought it was hilarious!  I also had two others texting me at the same time.  Check me!  Actually don't check me, because I realised that it all meant nothing really.  They were all flirting and saying things that would make a girl feel desired, but only for that short moment, but they didn't mean anything long-term (as you can tell since I haven't announced anything to you!).


SP said she thinks that maybe 'he' hasn't showed himself in my life as yet, because I'm not currently the best me I can be, in terms of my happiness and head space, etc, so perhaps I'm not ready to receive him.  I said that I feel there are three areas in my life that need to improve - finding love, establishing the career I want and making money, and that I'd feel like if one of those happened for me it would be like a domino effect and I'd feel positive and optimistic about the others happening too.  So basically, if met someone now and we got into a relationship, I'd be that more happy in life.


Anyway I had a bit of an epiphany yesterday.  My bedroom has been a melting pot of clutter for years and it's taken me so long to sort it out, mostly because it felt overwhelming and I just didn't know where to start.  I've been living out of my suitcases and black bags really.  I bought a much needed chest of drawers over a year ago, and it was only yesterday that, with the help of SP, it was finally assembled, so I've been able to start sorting the room out.  Then it occurred to me that maybe God/ The Universe has delayed me finding this guy, because my space isn't really in a fit state to entertain him.  Since I don't have my own house or flat, my bedroom is the only place I have that represents me and my world (if you like).  So maybe when I finally clear it and decorate it in the way I envision, he might appear. You never know...


I'm off to continue the grind and put that theory to the test!

WhatsApp With Men?

Dear Anyone,


One of my friends has just been dumped via WhatsApp Messenger.  Do people really still do that??  In her 33 years she said she's never had a relationship end that way, so it's a bit of a blow to her, and it's kind of making her feel like she's not worth it and put a dampener on the start to her 2012.  


The way they met was one of those situations where people constantly remind you, "You could meet him/her anywhere".  They noticed each other on the tube on the way home from work more than once, had a brief conversation, then saw each other again at a party by coincidence.  Then what sealed 'fate' was that he happened to have a meeting with someone at her work place, so they bumped into each other in the foyer.  They swapped numbers, spoke, went on dates, spent evenings together, he even gave her a surprise Christmas present.  He even asked if they are now dating exclusively, so of course she and I were getting excited (I was living vicariously through her).  Now, after a talk they had, he's sent her a message listing all her amazing qualities, saying how attracted to her he is and how good a companion she will be, but...... And that's how he ended the message - "but..." What sort of nonsense is this?  What's wrong with men??????  Really - men if you're reading - what is wrong with you??  This guy is 38 years old.  Does this mean that men's behaviours don't change, regardless of age.  All they are is male.


It's making us both wonder whether... well... is this how it's going to be?  You meet a new guy, you like him, but you will forever have to hold back, because God forbid you should catch feelings for him, there will be no point because he's just going to let you down.  Not that this situation is on the same level, but the disappointment I feel is the same way I felt about X who I briefly dated early last year.  Everything was moving nicely, then he suddenly he had to go to Manchester and behaved like our phone tariffs wouldn't be the same.


It's hard.  You try to have faith, but then you're constantly faced with bullshit situations.  My friend is lovely, sexy, a very good girlfriend, she can cook, she has her own place, loving, all the good stuff.  What's the problem?


We both have guys we could easily SETTLE for.  Is settling the answer?   

First Of The Mid-30s

Dear Anyone,


Today I have entered what I consider to be the first year of my mid-30s.... I am 34... I'm not sure how long it's going to take for me to get used to saying that. I was still 29 when I started writing to you. That sounds like light-years ago!!


Nevertheless, I am thankful to God that I have been able to make it this far, when I know others haven't, and I'm not going to set any goals and all that jazz, I'm just going to take everything as it comes.


Now I'm off to get ready for drinky-drinks with my peeps! CHEERS! *clink*

I Think...

Dear Anyone,

Recently my friend SP said something that got me thinking (which you'll find ironic after you hear what it was).  She said that the problem with me is that I over-think things.  When I get the idea to do something, I think it over and over until I practically talk myself out of it.  I kinda get the impression that it's getting on her nerves.  She's not lying though.

I've realised that what I do, and I'm pretty sure I've mentioned it before, is that I jump straight into the reasons why an idea won't work, instead of just crossing that bridge when I come to it.  I've been thinking about it (there I go again) and it's probably to do with a fear of failure.  Sometimes I think that if it's not realistic for me to achieve something, then there's not point in starting it.  I know that's not a good way to think, and I don't know how many opportunities I may have missed, so I'm going to do my best to stop.


Of course I'll let you know how that goes... I think... (Joke).

Never The Bridesmaid, Never The Bride

Dear Anyone,

Remember when I declared that today will be the day I get married? Yeah, so do I. Yet I'm at home alone, watching the X Factor, having just finished eating dinner for one. You've just got to love the notion of thinking positively and putting 'it' out there to the 'universe' eh?

I have no man news, I haven't been on any dates, I'm no closer to marriage. But I have made two decisions: 1) I no longer have a date I want to get married. If it ever happens, then hey. 2) I'm no longer entertaining any guy from my past. We'll be friends and friends only. None of them serve any productive purpose really. So there you go...

For now I'll live vicariously through other people's happiness. One of my close friends is getting married next year, so I'll share in that excitement as she plans the wedding. People I know (and know of) are getting hitched and having babies all over the place, so I'll just share in their happinesses too. Yes - happinesses. In the meantime I'll just continue to do Me, whoever Me is..

Which leads me on to recent thoughts I've been having. It has been eight months since I quit my job in pursuit of my chosen career, and thus far it has been pretty much a non-starter. I've been temping at the same place since March, and though I appreciate that making the money has been a great help, I refuse to get stuck there. But I'm also starting to wonder what I really want to do in life, because it feels like everything and nothing. I'd like to do a make-up course and make money as a freelance make-up artist, but I'd also like to live and work in NYC for a little while, but I'd also like to live and work in Barbados for a little while, but I'd also like to find a proper writing job, but I'd also like to be a freelance writer with jobs that allow me to travel, but I'd also like to meet a guy and settle down into family life... I don't know what I want to do and what I should work towards! I'm tired. I swear, if I met a guy with plenty of money, who I liked enough and he wanted to keep me, I probably wouldn't say no. And I've never really been that kinda chick.

Help me Anyone, what should I do??