Are You There, Anyone? It's Me Again!

Dear Anyone,

Hiiii... *waves*… Remember me? I can see that it has been nine whole years since I updated you on my life events. I don't know whether that's good or bad, but such is life I guess.

To be honest, I would say that in the past nine years things have changed and also not changed. Changes include my employment situation - it was the usual on and off, my lowest period being in 2016, even though in 2015 I thought I'd finally found a job I enjoyed, where I felt useful and had my highest salary. It turned out that my boss was good at teaching and helping small businesses how to promote themselves, but she was bad at business herself. I started temping at a million different places from 2017 till 2020, then I became a permanent member of staff where I am now two months before the COVID lockdown. FORTUNATELY I was eligible for furlough, which I was so thankful for, because I do not know what I would have done otherwise. I enjoyed the furlough too.

What hasn't really changed is my love life. I'm still single and searching, and over the past few years it has basically been much of the same nonsense you've previously read about, just with new guys, haha. But I will say that what has changed (or still in the process of being put into practice and changing) is my attitude to dating. During lockdown in 2020 I was frustrated with yet another guy I was chatting to that was going nowhere, so I contacted a coach I knew of, because I figured there must be something I'm doing wrong. I did an 8-week one-to-one course of coaching that was predominantly focused on me learning to love myself first in order to see how it affects my dating decisions and actions. I get it now. I never understood the whole concept of loving myself beforehand. I basically thought that I don't need to love myself, I need someone else to fall in love with ME, duh. But don't worry, it all makes sense now. 

So that's all I can think of telling you for now... I'm nearly 45 (can you bleedin' believe it??), getting older, and I keep being told my memory isn't what it used to be. If I'm honest I really don't care, it's time for someone else to be the memory bank, I'm tired. But I promise I will keep coming back and be like I used to, releasing my experiences and thoughts to you as an outlet, so things that have happened in the past nine years will be told at relevant times.

Soon come...

Put Your Hats Away

Dear Everyone,

Sorry for the short notice, but I won't be getting married on this day this year, unfortunately.  This is due to circumstances beyond my control, namely a lack of... well... a fiance.  Apologies to any of you who were quietly hoping that it would still happen, though it's two years overdue.

Maybe next year.

As you were.

Drifting

Dear Anyone,

I've been thinking a lot lately about what purpose my life is supposed to serve, and I've decided that I'm probably one of life's drifters.  Trying this and that, but not especially successful in any specific area.  This conclusion is based on how my life has been thus far, in all areas.  Nothing has been solid or consistent.  Basically a Jill Of All Trades, Mistress Of None.

Ok, let's firstly address the elephant in the room; the fact that I haven't updated you for about six months.  That's basically because I have nothing major to report. I'm now 35 and-a-half, with not much to show for it.  I'm still talking to Knight, I still really like him, he still hasn't made it over to London yet, but is still apparently coming very soon, so I still have no solid romantic relationship to speak of.  I'm still in no sort of career job... in fact I haven't worked properly for months, so I'm still broke as hell, and if you don't hear from me after this post, it's because the financial demands of this summer have killed me.  I've been trying to keep motivated by writing about topics I'm interested in, and hoping it leads to something significant, but it hasn't as yet.  Early days I guess.

It's pretty much all of this that has led me to feel more and more and more, as time goes on, that I won't have a purpose until I have a child.  If Knight finally makes it here and many things lead to others and he happens to leave a deposit in my womb, I have to admit that I'll probably be excited about it.  Even if I died in childbirth (God forbid) at least I would have left some sort of legacy in the form of my offspring.  Before you come with the "being a mum is hard work" spiel, I'm well aware of that fact, I'm not naive.  Let's be real - I don't particularly harbour any desires to be an entrepreneur, I just want to do what I enjoy and make enough money from it to be happy.  I don't have dreams of having my own office and staff and all that.  Maybe I'm lazy, but right now I don't give a shite if you think I am.  I can't think of anything I'm passionate about, I just want to be happy to live life.  But at this moment, life is not enjoyable.  So yeah, I've tried not to put pressure on myself about having kids at this late age, but it's not working, because it's just how I feel.  I don't want to be an old mum (bit late for that) and I don't think it's fair for kids to have old parents either.  I don't want to be in my 70s and my kids are only in their 20s, that's unfair.  

Everyone around me is moving along in life, getting married, having children, being adults, and here I am with the same old story.  As much as I've always wanted to do it properly - marriage then kids - that might not be the intention for it to be done in that order in my life, so whatever happens, happens.

Being a drifter isn't necessarily a bad thing though, because it means that if an opportunity to get away from my current life presents itself, I can take it.  I'm not attached to anything.

Date Month

Dear Anyone,

One of my cousins has brought it to my attention that February is the month I meet guys or if I've met or known them prior, February is the month that I go on dates.  Though Sod's Law dictates that those dates are never for Valentine's Day, but whatever.  I thought about what she said, and it's kind of true.

I went on my first (and only) date with Bumper, then found out from elsewhere that he was due to become a father again, as well as get married a couple months later.  Wuss.  Anyway... Then I had another date, less than a week later, but this time with Muscle.  It was a very nice evening, I liked the way he took charge and decided where and what time we were meeting.  My only slight issue was the age old 'who pays on a date?'  

Two years later I was taken on a date by my friend Emperor, which at the time I felt was the best date I'd ever been on.  I've since realised that whenever he flirts with me it's because he's had an argument with his bitch of a girlfriend, but for some reason calls it a break up.  I did think he could be perfect for me, but I've realised that he's just a wuss.

The following February I went on a date with X. He was cute, very easy to talk to and our date was cool, but after a short period of dating, he turned out to be a damp squib.  Gave some story about having to undertake an internship in Manchester, but was behaving like Manchester is a city in Nigeria (where he's from) and we wouldn't be able to keep in contact.

Then last year was when I met and went on dates with Joe.  Four dates within a week, to be exact!  Now the first date definitely rivalled the one with Emperor, because as well as getting 10 out of 10 for chivalry, he presented me with a beautifully delicious chocolate cake with my name on it.  It was snowing that day, but it was like one of those corny nights from a romcom.  I thought he was The One, because we had far too much in common, and it just felt like a meant-to-be situation.  Unfortunately he turned out to be the biggest wuss of the lot.  In fact not a wuss, but a pussy, and I've said previously that I already have one of those, so I don't need another.  Hmm... I'm sensing a theme here that I'm going to have to nip in the bud sharpish!

Now it's 2013, and it will be February in about a week and a half!  I wonder what that will bring... To be honest, judging by the way it's gone so far, I probably shouldn't be hoping for any dates in Feb, because nothing has come of any of the February guys.  Or hopefully, I'm one of those who the number 13 (as in 2013) is 'lucky' for.  Who knows?  Either way... I'll keep you posted...

A Year Older

Dear Anyone,

To put it simply, I am 35 years-old today.  Thirty-five.  Remember I was 29 when I started writing to you? Now I'm smack bang in the middle of my 30s.  Already.  Wow.

Dear God, please let this be the year everything falls into place.  I am 100% prepared to work alongside you to make it happen, but please just guide me in the right direction, and most of all, please just let me be happy.  In Jesus' name, amen.

Inter-continental Love?

Dear Anyone,

Yes yes yes... I know, it's been another long while since I spoke to you.  I don't have a really good excuse to be honest, just that I felt as if things happen, I get hopeful and excited, then they don't happen and I'm back to square one, and I get tired of telling you the same ole same ole, with the same ole same ole results.  But I've been told by more than one person that everything is an experience, everything is still the process of my life, so hey.

So anyway, what's been happening?  Well remember when I said I went to California earlier this year and I was hoping there was a reason to return?  Well it's because I met someone there, but nothing was really said (in that aspect) until I had come back to London.  He's my cousin's (who we stayed with) husband's nephew - let's call him Knight.  He's my age, cute, really nice guy.  We met him when there was a BBQ at the house, and he came with his girlfriend.  We all got talking briefly before they had to leave, but we were able to arrange for them to come and take us out to a club later that night.  My cousin Diggy (who I travelled with) reckons it was obvious that he fancied me while we were all out, but to me we were just having cool conversation about music (he's a rapper on the side), London, Ghana, Cali, and just general things.  I didn't get at all that he was attracted to me, mostly because it was so far from my mind, considering his girlfriend was there.  I just thought of him as a new family friend and someone else I can add to my very short list of people I know in America.  He didn't live in the same area that we were staying, but his mum does, so they had come down for a few days.  Where they lived was five hours drive away and they were leaving to go home the next day.  He and I exchanged numbers to keep in contact via instant messenger, and he sent me a message, after they had dropped us back, to say it was nice going out with us and it was a shame we didn't meet earlier (something we had all been saying during the evening, to be honest) because they could have taken us to other places had they known we were there.  They stopped by the house on their way back to their town the following day, and we said we'd keep in touch, etc.

We came back to London a few days later, and there were a messages between Knight and I for the first couple of weeks, then nothing much for the next couple of weeks. Then one day he messaged to say hi and that he was missing us, asking how we were and all that jazz.  That day we literally ended up chatting/messaging for the whole day - from when I had woken up till I went to bed.  It was during those conversations that he admitted that he'd thought I was hot from the moment he saw me, but obviously couldn't say anything, because he was still in a situation.  I was actually surprised, because I really didn't think about it or him in that way at all, but I told him straight away that the fact that he's in a situation means I'll just be flattered by what he's said, and no more.  He told me that their relationship was close to ending, but I still didn't really take it that seriously, because how many times have we heard that from attached guys??  But at the same time I did think that he wouldn't necessarily try and play me, because he knew we have family in common.  He should be verifiable.  Nowadays I don't have a problem letting a guy know that I'm not looking to date for dating's sake, so I told him that if that's what he's looking for from me, then nah.  

Anyway, over the following week we were messaging every day - he'd literally send me a message when he woke up, before starting work, and when he finished work until I went to bed (considering it's an 8-hour time difference).  We kinda got to know each other quite quickly, and our communication started including telephone calls and Skype calls.  He and the girlfriend's relationship had become more like friends apparently (after a few weeks she moved out) and after just over a week he told me he was having really strong feelings for me, he didn't understand it, but he knew it was real, because he's only felt that way about one other person (his crazy ex with who he has two children).  I was starting to like him too, but still wary, and he even kept telling me that I was being very guarded, and I told him that I had to be!  Marriage, kids, kids names, homes and the 'L' word were all mentioned - by him! I'm telling you he went full steam, and as you know the last experience I had was similar and came to a halt as quickly as it started, so I wasn't really that relaxed about it, but I decided to just go along with stuff while still being cautious. He's a really nice guy, funny, sweet, seemingly affectionate, but he's either very genuine or a very good liar, because some things he says and suggests are just normal to him would have you thinking "Yeah right.."  Like he's suggested paying for my flight to go and see him in Cali, or paying for both of us to meet in New York.  He does seem to have money though.

This has all been since June, and it was really nice for a couple of months (and no I haven't been flown anywhere as yet), but recently his communication has been waning, and that's annoying me.  I've always said that I don't know if I have the patience to be in a long-distance relationship, but the lack of everything here in London means I'm willing to give it a try if that's what has been presented to me.  But for something like that to work, both parties have to make the effort.  He was going through some personal stuff for a couple of months, which meant that every time he wanted to book his flight to come to London he wasn't able to, and he's previously told me that he has a tendency to keep things to himself, because he doesn't like to be a burden to people, but he was gonna work on that, but I don't know if he has been working on it, because now I'm feeling un-involved.  My mum and brother have just been on holiday to California, and Knight made sure he looked after them and gave them a good time, taking them to Vegas, shopping and even Thanksgiving dinner at his mum's house.  He knows that my mum knows about "us", they'd spoken to each other during one of our Skype calls some months ago, so I'm a little confused as to whether he still intends for everything he's said to me or whether that's just him being a nice guy.  I just don't want a repeat of that pussy Joe *spit*.

I think I'm going to try not to expect too much right now, and see what becomes of it. I'd love for it to happen properly with us, but I'll keep my options open, definitely.  

Odd-Job Girl

Dear Anyone,

I've hit a little snag in this career/work life thing... I don't really know what I want to do wholeheartedly.  Actually that's not true.  I know for a fact that I don't want a long term, nine-to-five job, but rather various freelance projects that I will enjoy and get paid for.  Sort of like a media odd-job (wo)man, if you like.

I have just finished working freelance on a project for a youth organisation, and I really enjoyed it because it was so casual and easy-going, but fun and I was getting paid for it.  THAT'S the kind of thing I'm talking about.  This is all pretty much unrealistic wishful thinking, I know.  As adults we have no choice but to undertake some shite jobs, especially when you have as many holidays planned in your head as I do for the coming year.  I'd still love to find work abroad, since I still have nothing necessarily keeping me here in London.  My ideal choice is still New York City, and after a recent trip to California, I've partly added it to my list too... I'll tell you why later on, if there's anything to tell.  Hopefully there will be ;)

So if you know of any opportunities matching what I've described, please, throw them my way.  Thank you in advance.