This Person Called Me

Making Room

2012-01-11T13:42:00.000Z

Dear Anyone,

A couple of months ago SP and I were talking about the guys in my life who say they want me, though their actions say otherwise. This was after we attended an event where three guys I've previously been involved with were also in attendance. I thought it was hilarious! I also had two others texting me at the same time. Check me! Actually don't check me, because I realised that it all meant nothing really. They were all flirting and saying things that would make a girl feel desired, but only for that short moment, but they didn't mean anything long-term (as you can tell since I haven't announced anything to you!).

SP said she thinks that maybe 'he' hasn't showed himself in my life as yet, because I'm not currently the best me I can be, in terms of my happiness and head space, etc, so perhaps I'm not ready to receive him. I said that I feel there are three areas in my life that need to improve - finding love, establishing the career I want and making money, and that I'd feel like if one of those happened for me it would be like a domino effect and I'd feel positive and optimistic about the others happening too. So basically, if met someone now and we got into a relationship, I'd be that more happy in life.

Anyway I had a bit of an epiphany yesterday. My bedroom has been a melting pot of clutter for years and it's taken me so long to sort it out, mostly because it felt overwhelming and I just didn't know where to start. I've been living out of my suitcases and black bags really. I bought a much needed chest of drawers over a year ago, and it was only yesterday that, with the help of SP, it was finally assembled, so I've been able to start sorting the room out. Then it occurred to me that maybe God/ The Universe has delayed me finding this guy, because my space isn't really in a fit state to entertain him. Since I don't have my own house or flat, my bedroom is the only place I have that represents me and my world (if you like). So maybe when I finally clear it and decorate it in the way I envision, he might appear. You never know...

I'm off to continue the grind and put that theory to the test!

WhatsApp With Men?

2012-01-08T21:45:00.001Z

Dear Anyone,

One of my friends has just been dumped via WhatsApp Messenger. Do people really still do that?? In her 33 years she said she's never had a relationship end that way, so it's a bit of a blow to her, and it's kind of making her feel like she's not worth it and put a dampener on the start to her 2012.

The way they met was one of those situations where people constantly remind you, "You could meet him/her anywhere". They noticed each other on the tube on the way home from work more than once, had a brief conversation, then saw each other again at a party by coincidence. Then what sealed 'fate' was that he happened to have a meeting with someone at her work place, so they bumped into each other in the foyer. They swapped numbers, spoke, went on dates, spent evenings together, he even gave her a surprise Christmas present. He even asked if they are now dating exclusively, so of course she and I were getting excited (I was living vicariously through her). Now, after a talk they had, he's sent her a message listing all her amazing qualities, saying how attracted to her he is and how good a companion she will be, but...... And that's how he ended the message - "but..." What sort of nonsense is this? What's wrong with men?????? Really - men if you're reading - what is wrong with you?? This guy is 38 years old. Does this mean that men's behaviours don't change, regardless of age. All they are is male.

It's making us both wonder whether... well... is this how it's going to be? You meet a new guy, you like him, but you will forever have to hold back, because God forbid you should catch feelings for him, there will be no point because he's just going to let you down. Not that this situation is on the same level, but the disappointment I feel is the same way I felt about X who I briefly dated early last year. Everything was moving nicely, then he suddenly he had to go to Manchester and behaved like our phone tariffs wouldn't be the same.

It's hard. You try to have faith, but then you're constantly faced with bullshit situations. My friend is lovely, sexy, a very good girlfriend, she can cook, she has her own place, loving, all the good stuff. What's the problem?

We both have guys we could easily SETTLE for. Is settling the answer?

First Of The Mid-30s

2011-12-30T17:28:00.000Z

Dear Anyone,

Today I have entered what I consider to be the first year of my mid-30s.... I am 34... I'm not sure how long it's going to take for me to get used to saying that. I was still 29 when I started writing to you. That sounds like light-years ago!!

Nevertheless, I am thankful to God that I have been able to make it this far, when I know others haven't, and I'm not going to set any goals and all that jazz, I'm just going to take everything as it comes.

Now I'm off to get ready for drinky-drinks with my peeps! CHEERS! *clink*

I Think...

2011-09-27T20:19:00.004+01:00

Dear Anyone,

Recently my friend SP said something that got me thinking (which you'll find ironic after you hear what it was). She said that the problem with me is that I over-think things. When I get the idea to do something, I think it over and over until I practically talk myself out of it. I kinda get the impression that it's getting on her nerves. She's not lying though.

I've realised that what I do, and I'm pretty sure I've mentioned it before, is that I jump straight into the reasons why an idea won't work, instead of just crossing that bridge when I come to it. I've been thinking about it (there I go again) and it's probably to do with a fear of failure. Sometimes I think that if it's not realistic for me to achieve something, then there's not point in starting it. I know that's not a good way to think, and I don't know how many opportunities I may have missed, so I'm going to do my best to stop.

Of course I'll let you know how that goes... I think... (Joke).

Never The Bridesmaid, Never The Bride

2011-08-20T20:48:00.020+01:00

Dear Anyone,

Remember when I declared that today will be the day I get married? Yeah, so do I. Yet I'm at home alone, watching the X Factor, having just finished eating dinner for one. You've just got to love the notion of thinking positively and putting 'it' out there to the 'universe' eh?

I have no man news, I haven't been on any dates, I'm no closer to marriage. But I have made two decisions: 1) I no longer have a date I want to get married. If it ever happens, then hey. 2) I'm no longer entertaining any guy from my past. We'll be friends and friends only. None of them serve any productive purpose really. So there you go...

For now I'll live vicariously through other people's happiness. One of my close friends is getting married next year, so I'll share in that excitement as she plans the wedding. People I know (and know of) are getting hitched and having babies all over the place, so I'll just share in their happinesses too. Yes - happinesses. In the meantime I'll just continue to do Me, whoever Me is..

Which leads me on to recent thoughts I've been having. It has been eight months since I quit my job in pursuit of my chosen career, and thus far it has been pretty much a non-starter. I've been temping at the same place since March, and though I appreciate that making the money has been a great help, I refuse to get stuck there. But I'm also starting to wonder what I really want to do in life, because it feels like everything and nothing. I'd like to do a make-up course and make money as a freelance make-up artist, but I'd also like to live and work in NYC for a little while, but I'd also like to live and work in Barbados for a little while, but I'd also like to find a proper writing job, but I'd also like to be a freelance writer with jobs that allow me to travel, but I'd also like to meet a guy and settle down into family life... I don't know what I want to do and what I should work towards! I'm tired. I swear, if I met a guy with plenty of money, who I liked enough and he wanted to keep me, I probably wouldn't say no. And I've never really been that kinda chick.

Help me Anyone, what should I do??

Much Ado About Not Much at All

2011-06-06T19:38:00.012+01:00

Dear Anyone,

I know I haven't updated you since February, and usually I feel bad about it, and quite slack, but right now it's 'whatever.' Why? Because I have nothing new or exciting to report.

You've probably been thinking that I've been in a loved-up haven with X, and therefore had no time to fill you in, but come on - you should know me by now! If I want it, it won't happen! X pretty much disappeared after our second date, which has been completely baffling to me, because as far as I'm concerned the second date went nicely. It was a week after the first and I went to his place to watch movies. There was only a little kissing, but he was quite affectionate otherwise. Then I didn't hear from him for about three days, and when he eventually sent me a message, he said that his phone had been cut off and was only just restored. Then the following week he messaged me again to say that he was going to Manchester in the morning (which I knew he would be doing as part of his Masters) and thanked me for meeting him, and being me, and that he wasn't saying goodbye, instead "hasta la vista baby, but I'll be back". Now for those of you who failed miserably at Geography, Manchester is another city, but still part of the United Kingdom, so whatever mobile phone tariff you have, the call charges will be the same whether you call me while still in London or from another part of England. Or Scotland. Or Wales even. So why this guy was behaving as though he was moving back to Nigeria, is totally beyond me. Suffice to say I haven't heard from him since the end of February. I was really disappointed at first, not because I was that much into him, but because he had such potential. We got on really well straight away, he was good looking, funny, blah blah blah, and he kinda got me feeling slightly optimistic. Then as quickly as he arrived, he left. So there you go.

Two of my friends got engaged recently and at their engagement party I saw Boy Wonder. He was very tactile with me, very flirty for all around us to see, and it made me think about him and live in hope for about a week and a half afterwards, but then this week I heard a guy say something in conversation to the effect of; you and everyone else may think you're a GOOD woman for a man, but if he hasn't made you his woman, then he doesn't think you're the RIGHT woman for him. Duh me - that's exactly what is happening here! And I know I've said it before, but this time I mean it - I am no longer going to try and read into or understand anything about Boy Wonder and his actions towards me, until I hear something from the horse's mouth. If I don't then I'll just have to deal with it like everything else. A litte while ago I was feeling extremely negative about about how my love life will pan out, and I'm not saying this for attention (because if you know me you know that I don't handle too much attention very well) but I honestly don't see myself getting married or simply being someone's girlfriend or fiancee. I'm already 33. I know everything happens in God's time, but chances are God doesn't want me to be with someone or have kids. Maybe being single is how I'll make my riches. Maybe I'll write a bestseller about my experiences. Who knows eh? Still, we plod along as usual.

Work-wise things are going quite slowly on the writing front. I've had a few offers given to me by mouth, but none have really come to fruition yet. I'm currently temping in the west-end with one of my friends, and of course the work is boring, but the people are nice so it's bearable. It was supposed to be for three months, ending this month, but they keep giving me more tasks, which is good wage-wise, because my friends and I are going to Barbados again this year (and I'll be fully excited once I've paid it off), but I refuse to get stuck in another dead-end job. I need a career. So along we plod...

I really need some excitement, and I am hoping that I can come back to you with some good news for once, and not complain about the same ole same ole - trust me, even I'm bored of myself!!

Will X Mark The Spot?

2011-02-12T16:09:00.003Z

Dear Anyone,

You know how I have been saying (or at least thinking) that I'd really like to go on a date soon? Well I did last night!

Let me give you a little background: We'll call him X. He sent me a random message on Facebook about three months ago, saying how beautiful I was, yadda yadda, so I clicked on his profile to see that we had my friend Shar as a mutual friend, so naturally I asked her about him. She said that they only spoke, nothing happened between them, but that he's a really cool guy, and I should see what he's saying. So I decided to indulge him in his conversations, but I wasn't being very eager, because I thought he was being a bit corny. I didn't add him as a friend until I came back from Ghana, then the following week I gave him my phone number, and he called me three days later. He's very easy-going, easy to talk to, constantly complimenting me, and we were joking with each other pretty much straight away (on the phone).

We finally managed to agree on a day to meet for the first date, which was yesterday. I was excited about finally being taken out, but I think more than that I was intrigued about meeting him, and it turned out to be totally cool! I met him in Finchley Road, and we went to a bar in West Hampstead. It was really nice, he made me laugh a lot. We had a couple of drinks, spoke about his thesis for the Master's degree he's studying for, places we have lived, music, we people-watched; it was all very comfortable and there was no awkwardness. I think it helped that we've chatted a bit on the phone for a couple of weeks before meeting. As much as I would like to meet and be with someone, I am a person who likes to take the time to get to know them and be comfortable first.

When the bar closed, we took a quick trip to his apartment, because he had to "quickly get something." Don't worry, I fully took the piss out of him and told him that I know his game. He has a very nice place though. We stayed for about 20 mins while he checked his emails or something, so I spent the time updating my girls on the evening. Afterwards he dropped me home, and I won't lie... I allowed a kiss. It wasn't a deep kiss, but it was nice enough for me to feel how soft his lips were and only right since I had been looking at them for most of the evening... That's my story and I'm sticking to it!!

So... there we go... I had a good time, and I guess as per usual we shall watch this space...

It's Written In The Stars... Apparently

2011-01-20T19:06:00.007Z

Dear Anyone,

I received a press release today on behalf of Russell Grant (www.russellgrant.com), the famed British astrologer, and this is apparently what 2011 has in store for me as a Capricorn:

Unless you are careful, your love life could be eclipsed by your professional success in 2011. (Woohoo!). While you'll attract plenty of admirers, it will be difficult to find someone who is worthy of you. (This explains the bad choices I've been making!). Beware of opportunists who desire your company for fame, money or status. (Me??) You're sure to attract lots of admiring glances throughout February, when your sex appeal will be at an all time high. (Glances don't equal Valentine's treats). Still, any dates you go on in the first five months of the year won't emit sparks. (Then what's the bloody point??). You may embark on a promising affair between early June and the end of the year, but try to keep things casual. This isn't the year to make serious commitment. (Well, that shoots my desire to get married in August to shit..) Still you can have lots of fun with your other half, especially if you team up with a velvet-voiced sensualist. (Que?) Although their lifestyle may seem extravagant to you, the two of you share a deep appreciation for the finer things in life. If you're already in a relationship, schedule a romantic break for two in December.

Well.... I don't know whether it's a good or bad thing that I don't believe in horoscopes...

That's The End Of That Then..

2011-01-12T20:28:00.002Z

Dear Anyone,

I've been in two minds about reporting this, because... really... well... it's no biggie to be honest. But for the sake of keeping you up to speed: I was chatting to Muscle on Facebook the other day, and he kinda threw into the conversation that he's seeing someone now. My stomach did a little flip for a second, and obviously a million questions and thoughts went through my mind, a few of them cuss words (after all I am a human with feelings!) but at the end of the day, it is what it is. I know I said I was leaving him in 09 and I kind of did in that I wasn't going to be pursuing anything with him, but... you know...

Oh well, I guess it just wasn't meant to be me...

Along I plod...

Dreams Can Come True (Really?!)

2011-01-04T20:58:00.006Z

Dear Anyone,

I had a dream about Boy Wonder last night, and it was so vivid and real, that when I woke up I was slightly confused as to where I was (still in Ghana). Before your mind runs away with you, the dream wasn't in the slightest bit dirty. It was just one of those where he was being really sweet and gentlemanly, and all I really remember was that we were at an event and I had to leave, so he walked with me to the tube station, and even paid for a ticket so that he could wait on the platform with me (?). Weird, I know.

Now it has kinda taken me back to that funk where I start wondering when it's gonna happen for me. I won't bore you with the same ole same ole moaning. There are a couple of guys who have shown interest in me, but I'm just not feeling them like that, and I won't force myself to either.

A couple months ago I was supposed to go on a second date with Angelfish, and this was after messenger conversations here and there, where he had seemed to discover the art of flirting. It didn't actually do that much for me, but I gave him 'B' for effort. This was also after he had posted a status saying: "Sorry I don't do chasing", which I then asked him about. He said he was referring to women, so I told him that there is a difference between 'chasing' and 'making an effort'. He then changed his status to: "Sorry I don't do chasing, but I do make an effort". Bull. Anyway, we'd agreed to meet on a Friday evening, and he asked me what I wanted to do, so I said maybe a restaurant or cinema. He suggested a bar near his place (which is in the extreme north of London and I'm south) and said that if I get wasted I'm welcome to stay over at his, because he has a spare room. Since I wasn't just born the day before, I politely declined that offer and suggested we meet somewhere a little more central to both our locations, and he said he'd find somewhere. All good so far. Then four days before the date, I received this message:

"Hi been thinking and it has come to light the distance between us is going to be an issue so maybe we should leave Friday, as from a relationship perspective I can see this being a problem. Hopefully we can be cool on messenger?"

I simply replied: "Wow, ok fine."

All you can do is laugh really. Who said anything about a relationship?? This would have been the SECOND date. I can't say I was upset, all I could think was that I could see why he's single. He's difficult, not as easy-going as he thinks he is. So lo-and-behold I received this message from him yesterday:

"Hi just wanted to apologise for throwing a childish tamp in regards to us meeting up a few weeks back."

I simply replied: "It's cool, don't worry about it." I just hope he doesn't suggest we try and rearrange, because that ain't happening love. I will not be forcing something that is not there.

At this rate I might have to live vicariously through my dreams, because they don't seem to want to come true any time soon!

Thanks For Another Year

2010-12-30T14:14:00.003Z

Dear God,

Once again thank you for allowing me to see another birthday and another year through, especially when so many don't. Again I ask that you give me the patience to wait for the things I want in life to come at the right time.

Through your son Jesus Christ, Amen.

33..... I'm well in there now - eek!!

"In Ghana Here..."

2010-12-23T14:38:00.009Z

Dear Anyone,

Tomorrow will be two weeks since I came to Ghana, and it has been really good to just do feck all. Absolutely nothing I don't want to do, all day long. In hot weather. Especially as I am seeing and reading reports of the horrible snow in london, and the disruption it's causing. I can't even imagine it right now. I know it sounds like I'm gloating, but that's because I am... Haha. I'm currently writing to you from the makeshift office I've set up outside. My family think I'm crazy, and I think they don't realise what my weather alternative is!

I said I was coming to Ghana to see what potential work opportunities there may be over here, and I have done some enquiring . It seems that if I was coming to just do an office job I'd have no problems findng work, but because I want to work in Media/Journalism, it may not be so simple. It is very 'who you know' over here, and those I know aren't in the media industry, but those I've asked all say they know someone somewhere who did this or knows that person, so will ask. Plus a lot of suggestions have been that I should work with the TV stations, but I don't actually know what I would do. It's funny though, because whenever you mention 'Journalism' to Ghanaians, they automatically think you want to work on television, reading the news. Me on camera? You're 'avin a laugh son.

I've decided to change my focus slightly though, and instead do research into an idea for a business that SP and I had a while ago. I won't say what it is yet, but I think there's definitely a gap in the market for it. So many people my age and younger are thinking about businesses to set up over here, because Ghana is growing so quickly, and I think the secret is to think just slightly outside the box.

To be honest, I haven't really decided if I could live here yet, and I don't want to find any job just because it's in Ghana, because that isn't my plan. My plan is to get some career-relevant experience if possible, maybe for a couple of months. Granted, if we were to start a business here, we'd obviously have to operate predominantly from here, but that would be okay because it would be something I'd have an interest in.

As for the opposite sex here; so far the potential is saying nada to me. We've been out to a couple clubs and parties, and the guys here are stuck on trying to look like they have money. The whole dated 'popping bottles' thing is still very much rife here. When I told people I was coming here, almost everyone said things along the lines of: "you might meet your future husband". Truthfully, that hasn't been high on my agenda for Ghana. I'm far too fussy when it comes to the type of Ghanaian guy I'd like, I won't lie. As bad as it might sound, the accent doesn't do it for me, and it's made worse by those who put on fake American or Jamaican accents! Ugh. So I've always responded with the idea that if I do meet someone here, I'd really really like him to be a British Ghanaian like myself. You also have to look out for the opportunists who lie about themselves, thinking it would get them money or a ticket overseas. Good luck with getting those from me!

But I am enjoying just chilling out here, because God knows that won't be the case when I return to London. I receive my last pay today, so the serious work search starts now!

See Ya! No Longer Gonna Be Ya!

2010-12-03T23:00:00.004Z

Dear Anyone,

Today was my last day at work, and because it's a Friday I don't think the reality of not having to return will kick in until Monday, or maybe even Sunday night.

My close colleagues have been so sweet though, and they are really going to miss me - their words, not mine! Yesterday they presented me with my leaving gifts: a t-shirt with pics of all of us, on which they'd all written messages, and a lovely silver charm bracelet. I'd arranged for us to go out for drinks after work, but I didn't want it to be a big thing, so it was just my immediate team and a couple of the clients I got on with. We went for drinks at Thai Silk, where I was forced to down five shots (one called a 'Brain Haemorrhage' that tasted lovely but felt really wird in my mouth) and two cocktails. I should be drunk, but I don't feel it. Tomorrow morning will tell. I'm definitely going to miss my colleagues, but I'm not sad because I know for a fact I'll see them again soon. I've already been told I'm still welcome to attend the post Christmas team dinner in January, so if my team go, I'll go.

One of the security guards gave me a speech when I went to bid him farewell. "You take that baton, that beacon, that light, and go out there, and show the world what you are made of! Do us proud!" That just made me think "Wow...". I've been told numerous times how brave I am, and maybe I am, but the scary part is that people seem so sure that I'm capable achieving things that I myself am not sure I can do! The usual me would more than likely chicken out and think of all the reasons why it won't work, but it's too late for that, so that won't be an option.

Now begins the real hustle, where I have to find work of some sort to stay afloat. I'm off to Ghana on Monday to do some resting, thinking and planning, and to even network and see what opportunities they may have. Short-term though, I'm not ready to live there full time. It's all very scary and exciting! My main aim is to not go back to that situation where your whole aura goes downhill the closer you get to your place of work. We spend too many hours in a day working for us to hate what we're doing. When I return to London I want to be able to attend media events and just put myself out there as much as possible.

So please raise your glasses to new beginnings! They don't always have to start on January 1st! *Cheeeeers!!!*

I'm Outta Here!!!!

2010-11-05T17:06:00.000Z

Dear Anyone,

I have only 6 words for you:

I JUST HANDED IN MY NOTICE!!!!!!!!!!

That is all... Stay tuned for further information.

Sudden Loss

2010-11-01T16:09:00.003Z

Dear Anyone,

Today I'm sitting at home in shock and upset. One of my first cousins passed away suddenly yesterday, and I'm having trouble getting my head around it. I was with her only two days ago, and the next thing I know, I was looking at her body on the hospital bed last night. I can't believe it.

I know it only takes a split second for someone to die, so saying "I only just saw her" doesn't make sense, but that's all I can think. She cooked for us at her sister's house on Friday night, and I stayed over until Saturday morning, because it was too late for me to go home. Then I was supposed to get a lift home with her in the morning, but didn't, because she wasn't ready to leave when I was. But she'd been fine the whole time, no indication that something was wrong. Then yesterday my cousin Diggy called to say that she had been rushed to hospital because she'd been having trouble breathing, and next thing we know she's gone into cardiac arrest and the doctors couldn't revive her. It turns out she had a blood clot in her lung, and by the time I got to the hospital, she'd gone. It's scary because this time it's one of us, as opposed to it being an older member of the family.

I couldn't sleep last night, so I didn't go into work today, but I think I will tomorrow, because it's better to keep busy. All I keep thinking is that our family don't need any more bad news, my uncle's death is still quite fresh and now this. I just keep praying for God to spare the family, and look after my dad, because this will be a lot of stress on him, seeing as he is now everyone's dad.

Rest in Peace Big Sis, and keep smiling xxx

Make That Change

2010-10-21T16:23:00.005+01:00

Dear Anyone,

It's taken me a while to update you, but last month I made a decision....... I'M GOING TO QUIT MY JOB!

I came to this decision while out for my cousin's birthday. SP, our friend Minx and I were just chatting over drinks about life, work, being fed up, how this country isn't the place to settle, etc etc, and I said that I wish I could just leave my job and get more experience in the field I want to work in, and they were both like, "Well why don't you?" They basically echoed what my manager had said to me about learning to take risks in life. So after plenty of thinking and encouragement from SP, I've decided that I'm going to leave work and go to Ghana in December for about 5-6 weeks to network and seek possible opportunities in my field. My dad lives there, my brother, his girlfriend and my friend are there (and they all moved over from here), and accommodation is obviously not an issue.

Me being me, I'm still apprehensive about how I'm going to be able to pay my bills, but I've been told not to think about that too much, otherwise I probably won't go through with it! Bear in mind though, at this point I'm not thinking past going to Ghana to chill, seek and network, and returning to London in January, where I'll hopefully get some temp work in the meantime. The girls and I have plans to go to LA in Feb, and we really have to make that happen. But if I am able to return to Ghana to undertake short term or project based work in media or events, that would be good, and I can return with new-found experience and establish a proper career for once. I'm not ready to permanently make a move there though, so that's why I'm thinking about thing bit by bit. If I was offered an opportunity in NYC, you know I'd be there like a shot, but right now that wouldn't be financially possible.

So look out for the announcement of the handing in of my notice - you KNOW I'll be shouting it from the rooftops!

Positive or Realistic?

2010-09-20T15:24:00.003+01:00

Dear Anyone,

It's no secret that I struggle with positive thinking. Like... in a need a shrink/counselling/hypnotherapy sort of way, if people really believe it's a way of life. I just don't find it realistic, and that's what I deal in - reality.

Case in point: A week ago today I thought it was going to be the first day of the rest of my life. I - for the first time since the dawn of civilisation - had a job interview. It was for a Copywriter position that SP had spotted a few days earlier on Twitter and sent to me. All it said was that Copywriters were required ASAP, and that was all I needed to know to send my details through. I then received an email from a woman saying that the role is quite a junior one, and she doesn't think it is what I'm looking for. Now the previous me would have taken that lying down, and been upset that I'd been rejected. But the really-really-need-a-new-job me responded saying that I am fine with it being a junior role, because it's related to writing which is what I want to do, and that I would welcome the opportunity to meet and discuss it further. I also asked for more info on the role, and sent examples of my work. When I received a response inviting me to come for an 'informal chat' about the job, I nearly fainted!

Last Monday I went for the chat, and she wasn't lying about it being informal. It was over in about 15-20 minutes. She told me about the job and what they're looking for, and asked about the notice required at my current work place. I showed her that I was extremely interested in the role. She said I seemed really nice and she doesn't see why I wouldn't pass the probation period. She brought the MD in to meet me, who was pretty much of the "I don't mind, it's up to you" attitude, and he asked her where we go from here. She said she had another person to see, but she'll let me know by the end of the day or the following day. Everything was very positive and I came out thinking about what I would say when handing my notice in, imagining myself in the role, what time I would have to leave home to get there (even though it's in relatively the same area I work in now), how I would work out my taxes (with it starting out as a freelance position), and things of that sort. When I hadn't heard from her by Wednesday I emailed to ask if a decision had been made yet, and she said she had an interview that day, then she'd sit with the directors in the afternoon. On Thursday I received an email from her featuring that infamous word 'unfortunately.' Apparently someone else was perfect for the role, so much so that instead of hiring two people for full and part-time positions, this fabulous, perfect person will have the strength of 10 men! Okay, two men. I should sue her for getting my hopes up.

Getting this close and being rejected has reignited my disbelief in positive thinking. I was upset, because I could actually see my foot stepping out of the door of my current job. I had unconsciously practiced the sort of positive thinking promoted in books like The Secret and Law of Attraction, where you envisage yourself with what it is you want, but that clearly didn't work. And it's not as if I had told myself to do it just because that's what the books say, I actually did it anyway. And what was the result? Exactly. Positive thinking works for those who constantly have positive things happen to them anyway. They can afford to believe in it, because they rarely experience the opposite. It's a bit like being born lucky. I choose to subscribe to the realistic way of thinking. In reality I don't actually have enough experience in one thing, just loads of little experiences in various things. When you tell me "It's their loss", that's not strictly true is it? They haven't made a loss by hiring someone with more experience than me. Be real. Just tell me that life's a bitch but you have to keep moving, because that's real.

Career (Give Me A) Break

2010-08-25T11:38:00.007+01:00

Dear Anyone,

It's no secret that I don't enjoy my day job at all, and it shouldn't be a shock to you that I want to go and try working in New York for a while. Well I've kind of started to try and set those wheels in motion, but there are already things trying to get in my way.

Early last month we had our mid-year appraisals (or Interim review) at work, and my manager practically told me that I need to start taking risks if I want to get to where I feel I should be. She knows full well that this job isn't what I want to do, and she even sometimes sends me job vacancies she thinks I'd be interested in. She's very cool like that. She's all for helping people better themselves as they wish. So afterwards I contacted my friend Minnie who lives in New Jersey, and asked her if she could put together some figures and let me know roughly how much it would cost to stay in NYC for one month. I figured I should start small, so I'd initially try going for a month to see if I can network and set up some opportunities. The more people I meet who have decided to go freelance for whatever reason, the more envious I feel, and suffocated by this 9-5 working life. I don't think it would even be so bad if I was working in an office and doing something far more creative a varied, just not this monotonous filing crap.

I found out from Minnie that I'd probably need about $2,000 to be safe, but the best thing is that she said I should cut costs and come and stay with her. Where she is in New Jersey isn't a long journey into New York City, so it would be fine! So nice of her!

So last week I enquired with my employers about their policy on sabbaticals and career breaks, because the only information I had found concerned parents taking maternity, paternity or carers leave, or those who needed to amend their hours to care for a dependent, and can you believe they said they don't recognise career breaks and don't have a policy on sabbaticals. If I want time off I'd have to speak to my manager about it. What nonsense! Am I wrong in thinking that all companies are supposed to offer this?! I don't know where I got this from, but I thought that once you've been with a company for three years, you qualify for a sabbatical. Obviously not. When I asked my manager about it, she asked how long I would want to be off for and that I would have to come up with a proposal outlining how my month off and trip to NYC would relate to and benefit my job. Now Anyone, I'm not sure if I've told you this only once or 100 times - I do filing. Records management. There is not a molecule on my skin that has any intention of going to New York to find ways for me to continue doing that. I'm not going to improve THAT job, I'm going to hopefully make contacts and find writing or media related work.

Initially I was hoping to go in September, but since it's only a week away, that's not happening, so maybe October, and if not then the spring time. I would never choose to purposely put myself in NYC right in the middle of winter - I can't get rid of the memory of that cold my friends and I experienced there in 2005. I have a bit of money saved, but not nearly enough, though I have appealed to the Bank of Daddy and received approval, so I just need to give a figure and details of when I'm going.

I don't know what to do now though - help me! Any ideas?

Get The Guy

2010-08-15T20:21:00.012+01:00

Dear Anyone,

I had a pretty eventful day yesterday! I'm still kind of high off the things that occurred...

It started off with a dating seminar I attended, with my new friend Single Girl. I've been reading her blog and it's amazing how much we have in common in terms of our experiences with men and our views on relationships etc. So when she told me about the 'Secrets of Attraction: Get The Guy' seminar, I knew it was something I could definitely benefit from. The guy who ran the seminar is called Matthew Hussey, and coincidentally a few days after she told me about it, I saw him doing a dating segment on This Morning, so obviously he had to be legit.

We learned a lot at the seminar, and the good thing about it was that it was coming from a man for once. I also found the variety of women there to be quite amazing. All ages, races, shapes and sizes - and I'm not saying that to sound contrived, I'm serious! It was so weird to think that all these women were having issues with finding meaningful relationships. Instead of me trying to recall everything Matthew said, I'm going to show you the notes I took, while they're still fresh...

The books we women read are regimented, saying things like "Don't accept a date within two days", which is nonsense because the time you're spending doing nothing on that Friday night is time you could be spending on a really good date, instead of pretending you have a life. Rules are dangerous, follow principles. A lot of books are by women which is the problem, because they are telling us what they THINK they know about men.

Some of the reasons some of the women were there were to:

Understand how men think and how to work with it

Find the confidence to approach guys

Find out why guys make such an effort to get your attention, but do so little to keep it

How to not fall into the friend-zone

Where and how to meet the right guy

'Competence breeds confidence' meaning 'practice makes perfect'.

When we go out we always stay with the group we're with, therefore not meeting new guys. If you don't initiate, he won't know you like him. The more attracted he is to you, the less likely he'll come over, men feel the same nerves we do.

Playing hard to get builds the attraction around the chase, not you. The only excitement will be in the chase and once he's got you he'll look for the next chase for more excitement.

When you spot a guy you like the look of:

STEP 1 - Make eye-contact and prolong it. Then smile as your personality allows. If you're cheeky you can even stick your tongue out at him. The look you give a guy makes a big difference. Being coy also works. Look at him 3 times to get the message across. (He told us to practice on the escalator in a tube station!)

STEP 2 - Find a reason to get within close proximity of him - find a reason. If you are at a bar for example, stand at an angle that looks like you're people watching.

STEP 3 - Make conversation. You can pay him a compliment, or again if you're a cheeky type you can say something corny on purpose ("Do you come here often?") as a joke, or comment on his drink, or ask if he's enjoying the evening/event. Men love to help women and be a knight in shining armour, so you can also ask him for a favour. His example was to ask the guy if he can hold your jacket for you while you take your friends' drinks to them. I was thinking maybe you could ask him if he can take a photo of you and your friends. Men love anything that makes them feel like a man. You can also make a statement: "You're a bit tall!" Just be playful.

TAKE SMALL RISKS AND HUGE THINGS HAPPEN

We should always remember: The pain of rejection pales in comparison to the pain of regret. Most people allow the quality of their lives to be determined by the thoughts of strangers.

KEEP THE GUY

Once you've been out on a date, there are various reasons it may not progress: He may not have felt enough attraction early on. There may not have been enough chemistry or sexual tension, but it doesn't mean that the date went badly.

A lot of men don't want to commit, because they have what is called a Blueprint: In their teens they're finding themselves, and usually in their 20s they have fun and sleep around because they don't want to miss out on all the things they hear about. By the time they think they want to settle, it's too late because the right woman they had has maybe gone with someone else, and therefore the guy marries Miss Anyone. It's possible to change a man's Blueprint, because it is created by the associations he makes with being in a relationship, which are usually negative (he'll get tied down, the sex will become boring, everything will change). The problem is that women end up believing it of themselves, so they get scared to bring it up with him.

How to create positive associations with 'relationship': Bring your best in every part of your life. If he says he doesn't want a relationship, just say 'ok' and continue to be fabulous. he will be confused, but he will work out for himself that he doesn't want you to be fabulous with anyone but him.

"YOU CAN EITHER WAIT OR CREATE" (OPPORTUNITIES)

R - ROADMAP What do you want? What type of guy? What type of relationship? Show all aspects of your personality - friendly, sex appeal, caring, etc.

A - ACCOUNTABILITY Have something in place that makes sure you go and experiment.

M - MENTOR Someone who has the most experience and pushes you to do it.

P - PEER GROUP (Important) Like-minded and supportive people. Single friends who are not moany, but will rather play in the mud with you and kick your arse and make you do it. Have one who is better than you at certain things, and all who are just as driven as you.

Big things that destroy relationships:

Jealousy

Over-analysing

Neediness

Competitiveness

Scenario: You're out with your man and he flirts with someone else:

- Get honest, not emotional. Language is important, don't use language that appeals to women, e.g. "I'm emotional" or "Stop that, it's upsetting me". Rather tell him: "That's not cool, I wouldn't do that and it's not of a standard I expect from someone I'm with. To be honest, it's a turn-off." Men don't ever want to hear that they are sub-standard and that they're doing anything other than turning you on!

Always make him feel like a man, men always like to feel like the hero. "Can I get your help with (something)?" "Babe I need you" "I love talking to you about this stuff because you're *insert compliment of what you want him to be*"

Pre-relationship you can say "I love it when men....." You'll see that he wants to be the man you want and he'll do whatever it was you said you love! (This has actually worked with me in the past!)

So...I was armed with all this new found knowledge, and after the seminar and a short private chat with Matthew himself, I attended a barbeque that none other than good ole Boy Wonder was also attending. Remember him? Well I saw him a week ago at (one of) SP's birthday celebrations, because he made a surprise guest appearance at the bar we went to. As soon as I saw him I think I was internally taken aback, but I didn't let it show externally... that would have involved some sort of banshee wail. He seemed a lot happier, completely jokey and that just made him so sexy to me. I realised that I haven't stopped liking him, I just haven't seen him for about 2 years, so it was put on hold. Now that he's saying he's back on the social scene.... boy....

Anyway, at the BBQ I had told the girls that I intended to speak to him (because the seminar and copious amounts of rum in the evening had me feeling brave), but I wasn't too sure how to start it off. SP told me to remind him that he owes me a drink, so I went with that. It was quite late last night / early this morning and I said to him: "You know you owe me a drink right?" His initial response was to be silly and pretend he was going to get me a drink from the kitchen, but I let him know that I wasn't referring to a free drink that I'd been serving all evening. What followed was about half an hour of... I don't even know how to describe it, but it was quite lovely! He was really tactile with me - holding my hands where our fingers were intertwined, holding me, hugging me. What I've taken away from that conversation is that he does like me (I think) but he doesn't feel he is currently at the stage of being the man I deserve. He kept saying "Look at you, why wouldn't I want to go out with you?" but he also kept saying "I don't want to be a bastard to you." He was completely honest with me, and I was with him (which shocked me!) and told him that I like him and have done for a long time, and he said that his circumstances haven't changed since the last time we spoke, which he made sure that I knew he hadn't forgotten. But the reason I'm a little puzzled is that he also promised that he would call me and take me out, and that he would never lie to me. I told him I'm not going to wait for him, but we also made an agreement and shook on it that when he sorts out his circumstances, I get first refusal. Oh, and I also asked whether he has a girlfriend and he says he doesn't. Obviously we were both kinda merry from drink, but it wasn't one of those drunken conversations that we wouldn't remember. I just found his physical openness really surprising, because we were practically in the middle of the room and even his friends were kinda taking the piss out of him, but he didn't seem to care.

I see him as a work in progress and even though I haven't come away with any sort of solid answer, I'm giddy from the way he was with me, because I've never seen him like that before. And I've also gained a slight satisfaction from knowing that he is AT LEAST attracted to me. That's something at least right? Now we wait for the phone call... except of course I'm not waiting for it...

Fishing Trip III Update

2010-07-27T19:27:00.002+01:00

Dear Anyone,

Five days later.... I haven't heard from him. We'll call him Angelfish. I'm only a little bit surprised to be honest, because when I thought back to the date I couldn't really tell whether he liked me or not, or how well I thought it went.

Then it got me thinking about how slightly big-headed I must be, because it didn't actually occur to me that he wouldn't like me. Not that I think I'm all that in any way at all, but I spent all my time hoping I would like him that I didn't even think he would come away uninterested. But I'm pretty sure that's what's happened.

Oh well... on to the next I guess. I'm getting slightly extremely impatient now. Yes... slightly extremely.

Fishing Trip III

2010-07-23T12:23:00.013+01:00

Dear Anyone,

I decided to go fishing again, as in I browsed the dating website Plenty Of Fish, which I haven't visited in a while, and yesterday evening I met up with a guy I spotted on the site.

About two weeks ago I was reminded of the site when it was mentioned on someone's blog, and I thought "Oh yeah - that!" So I logged in to see what was happening, but as usual it wasn't much. They have a new section you can click on that says 'We can predict who you will date and marry', and of course it sounds so ridiculous that I just had to click to see what they call a match. I spotted a guy who I thought looked pretty cute, and when I read his profile it made me laugh, because it was quite honest, humourous, and best of all - he wrote correctly!! I'm a bit of a snob when it comes to correct written grammar, and I've stated quite clearly on my profile that I don't want to be contacted by voluntarily illiterate guys.

I sent him a message to say I liked his profile and that he is one of my POF predictions, and he responded that he also liked my profile, and many things I posses are a catch to him. We sent messages back and forth for the next two days or so, but he was travelling to Turkey for a week that weekend, so in his last message he left his number, and I responded with mine, because I thought it better that he calls me since I didn't know when he'd be back... and also because I didn't want to be the first to call! He called me last Saturday (when he got back) and I missed his call, then when I called back, he missed mine, and this continued until Sunday afternoon! When we eventually spoke the conversation was cool, not awkward in any way. He seemed quite laidback and easy-going.

On Tuesday we chatted briefly via Blackberry Messenger and arranged to meet for after work drinks on Thursday. While I was waiting I was praying SO HARD for God to let me like him. I have to be honest: I liked his profile picture a lot, I showed it to my friends and my manager, but the subsequent photos he sent me didn't do him justice, and he looked totally different in all three pics, so I was really hoping he at least looked like a cross between Photo 1 and Photo 3. And God came through. He looked pretty much like his profile picture. He was dressed smartly in a suit (because obviously he was coming from work) and taller than me (which isn't very hard, fair enough, but some poor guys can't manage that!). He told me that his hayfever was quite bad that day, because he forgot his medicine. We went for drinks at a bar/restaurant near my workplace, and being that it was Happy Hour it was busy and we weren't able to sit, so we stood outside with our drinks and chatted. The conversation was cool, he asked a lot of questions and I asked questions back. We spoke about work, exercise, dating, the POF website, family, holidays, favourite foods, etc. He didn't seem as relaxed as I'd hoped, but I put that down to maybe nerves or discomfort with his hayfever. After an hour and a half and two cocktails each, we left. He offered me a lift home (and I didn't realise he had driven) and at first I declined, because he seemed really tired and had a long way to go, but he said it was no problem, so I let him. In the car he complimented me on my figure and said he can tell I work out quite a bit, to which I laughed and said that it was just good genes (and that's the truth, I can't afford to have muscles - the last thing I want is to look like some butch femme). When we got to my place we didn't stay in the car chatting or anything. I thanked him for the evening, and we just did the formal(ish) goodbye kiss on the cheek thing, and he said he'll speak to me soon.

There wasn't really any flirting on this date. My cousin Ursula described it perfectly when she asked me whether it was like going for drinks with a colleague. It kind of was, there wasn't really any chemistry as such, but I would be willing to meet again in a less 'formal' setting to see how he is. I sent him a message thanking him again this morning and I asked how his hayfever is, and he replied saying it was really nice meeting me and that his hayfever is much better today. So... I guess we'll see...

No More Cowards

2010-07-06T16:35:00.004+01:00

Dear Anyone,

Yesterday I saw a photo of Emperor and his girlfriend, and not only did I realise that I am no longer attracted to him, but I also generally attract cowards. I'm not saying that every guy I've ever been involved with is a coward, because I know a lot of it is my fault for not spotting the bullshit earlier, but of late it does seem that way.

Emperor is a coward, because he didn't have the balls to tell me that he decided to stay in his difficult relationship, which in itself is also a bit of a cowardly act. I saw them at an event last month which is what confirmed it for me, even though it was obvious anyway from his silence on the subject. Every time we spoke, he was usually going on about work, as if there wasn't anything else we should be discussing. What.Ever.

Undeserving Tod was a coward because he didn't really want people we both knew to know that we were seeing each other, but it was fine for us to be around his mates. It was almost as though he was ashamed, but really it was so that he could see as many others as he wished.

Bumper didn't have the balls to admit he was in fact engaged and soon to be a father again.

There was another guy in my past who was supposedly in an unhappy relationship, but he was too scared to leave this unhappy relationship because he had a child with his girlfriend and another child from a previous relationship, and he didn't want to look like someone who has kids and leaves, or some such shite.

Oh - and I recently found out that Fisher, the first guy I met from the dating site, has a son who looks about three years-old. This is after him telling me he has no kids, blah blah blah. I'm not bothered at all really, just annoyed that he lied about something like that, but on the plus side, it showed me that you must ALWAYS go with your gut instinct.

I wouldn't call Muscle and Boy Wonder cowards really. I think Muscle just wasn't that into me or didn't know how to multi-task, and it just wasn't the right time or circumstances for Boy Wonder. Or maybe they're the ones I found most ideal and I'm making excuses for them! Ha ha! Who knows...

The search continues, and I'm hoping to break this cowardly cycle, but I'm also wondering if it's just a trait I have to expect in one way or another.

Still Single

2010-06-13T19:53:00.005+01:00

Dear Anyone,

I'm kind of starting to get scared about how quickly this year is going, in terms of me finding a relationship. We're halfway through 2010, and I have no leads. Nothing! I still maintain that I want to get married in August next year, and I think that by me putting it out there in the Universe, it should happen, because the Universe should respond, right? Isn't that the secret of The Secret?

I have no updates on any guys I've previously mentioned - nothing juicy anyway. I saw Muscle a couple of weeks ago at a barbeque I invited him to, and he didn't stay long but we had a nice catch-up chat. I also went to an event that Emperor attended with his girlfriend, so that answers the questions I didn't have about that situation. Surprise surprise.

It feel like a lot of people are finding partners, and when I'm asked whether I'm single, the answer is still a resounding 'yes.' It's getting to the point where people think it's me being fussy, but I'm not. I'm not going to go on about it, because I can assure you that nothing has changed in terms of how I feel, I'm still quite lonely. I just don't want to become one of those people who everyone can rely on to be perpetually single.

Operation: Sort My Life Out!!!!

2010-05-11T19:16:00.008+01:00

Dear Anyone,

Right now I'm sitting at home nursing a sore head and wonky vision, having been off work for two days. I feel as though I'm drunk with a head-rush. My doctor's diagnosis is that it's some sort of inner-ear virus, and tomorrow I have to go for a flippin' blood test. I HATE NEEDLES. My own diagnosis is that I'm stressed and my job is probably the biggest factor. I still hate it, that hasn't changed, but I think it's also because it has been really busy lately, and there have been a lot of people off sick, which means I usually end up covering, and I'm just generally a bit run-down. This is coupled with the worry of job-hunting and finding something new soon that will take me closer to my chosen career - writing.

One good thing though is that I have been able to think and put a career plan into action. I got together with SP last week to discuss ways in which I can basically leave my job sensibly - as in - at least find something that pays the minimum pittance I get now. It was, and she was, very similar to my life coach and the sessions I have with her. My ideal situation would be to freelance obviously, working from home, but that's going to be a work in progress. But we made lists and targets etc, and I feel really good about it all.

I also came to a conclusion during our meeting too. I've been afraid to entertain the idea of leaving my current job and rather temping in, because all I think about is how I would pay my share of the bills, and this is because my mum has kind of been hammering that point into me, so the thought of leaving work to maybe do an internship and temp didn't seem possible or make any sense. When I spoke to her about it, she said that all she was thinking about was how depressed I was when I was unemployed after graduating, and she doesn't want me to return to that dark place. She also said that when I was younger I was quite confident, bubbly and determined, but since the period of unemployment my confidence took a serious dive, which more than likely contributed to me not being able to hold down jobs I really wanted. I never really thought about it that way, but in hindsight she is definitely right. So I'm no longer going to blame those previous employers and say that is was their loss, because back then they probably didn't think there was anything special to keep.

I'm ready now though... I've done my time in Unsatisfiedland, and it's time for me to show what I've learned in the past few years. There's a reason I've been a magazine addict since the age of 10, and enjoy reading so much, and constantly correct people on their punctuation and grammatical errors - I'm a born journo.

SAY IT LOUD - I'M BACK AND I'M PROUD!!

T-eenage Crush

2010-05-02T20:29:00.001+01:00

Dear Anyone,

Last night we went out partying, being a Bank Holiday and all, and it was quite a good night - good music, good company, etc. But that's not the important part. The important part is that I saw the guy that I had the longest ever crush on - from age 17 to about 25 (and it only stopped there because I think he moved away and I didn't see him anymore). He hasn't changed a bit! Still hot! If he asked me out now, would I? Hmm... I don't think I could, because he's Bumper's good friend and it just wouldn't be right, but it would be very very very hard to decline, I won't lie. In fact Bumper would probably have to understand, because he knows how much I liked this guy back then, so he wouldn't be suprised.

To me, he was the one I would look out for every time we went to a club or party. And if I saw him, it was a cross between me not being able to take my eyes off him and me not wanting him to see me looking at him. I LOVED this guy!! (Not literally of course). I usually end up becoming just friends with guys I like, but with him it went as far as us greeting each other if we were at the same place.

We didn't chat last night, but Bumper was being silly while standing with him at one point, and was pretending to talk about me while pointing. The guy (we'll call him Tee) was looking at me, trying to figure out who I was, and when he realised he waved, so I waved back, and according to my friend Roxy (and judging by the cheesy grin that must have been planted on my face on my face) I must have regressed to being a 17 year old again, because apparently I waved back like a schoolgirl with a crush. How embarrassing... BUT I DON'T CARE, BECAUSE I SAW HIM!

*Skips off down the street with pink and red bubble hearts floating around*

"It's Complicated"

2010-03-22T17:05:00.006Z

Dear Anyone,

I've decided that men like the drama of a difficult girlfriend. They're completely attracted to it, it's what actually turns them on, and clearly where I've been going wrong. How else could you explain a 'complicated' situation? No relationship is ever complicated unless it will result in a person's death, and when is that ever the case??

I'm probably thinking mostly about Emperor. You probably gathered, since you haven't heard anything new about him, that there's nothing to report, and it's clearly obvious that he's decided to stay in his unfulfilling relationship, so I have decided to return to our previous, purely platonic friendship, otherwise I'd be sitting here waiting like a fool and I don't have time for that. In case you've forgotten - I'm 32.

I also have a feeling that Tod has a girlfriend, from things I've seen on Facebook.

There are two things that bug me about the above situations. Firstly, as I have already stated, I don't get why a drama-free, issue-free, non-difficult woman like me isn't better than one who carries her previous relationship insecurities, making her constantly suspicious. Obviously 'complicated' is where it's at. Maybe headaches are actually fun, and I just didn't get that memo. Secondly, and I can assure you that if Tod indeed does have a new girlfriend, I am in no way jealous simply because we are not suited to each other in the long-run. What gets my goat is - how is it fair that someone insincere like him, who doesn't treat women fairly, should then find happiness, and I'm still sitting here?! It wasn't supposed to work out that way. But then I'm not really surprised...

I guess I just have to sit here and watch everyone else progress in relationships, and keep praying for that whirlwind romance, which is currently my only hope.

Dare To Jump

2010-03-20T12:35:00.006Z

Dear Anyone,

I think I must be crazy. Yesterday I did a free fall at work for Sport Relief, and I'm sure I can still feel myself shaking!

When I say 'free fall' don't think I'm talking about falling from an aeroplane (as a lot of people thought) because I'm only a partial idiot, not a complete one. This fall was from the third floor of our office building, and yes I know it sounds quite low, but it wasn't.

I was completely fine leading up to it, because I wasn't really sure what would be involved, so I didn't know what to imagine, even though everyone was saying they'd never do it. But when I actually reached the platform and had my harness attached... wow... to say I was scared is a complete understatement. I was SH*TTING myself! I couldn't let go of the railing, even though the guy who was assisting kept telling me that I don't have to jump, just step off. There were so many people at the bottom watching me - ALL my colleagues plus others. It took me about three minutes in total to do the fall, because I kept sticking my foot out and nearly doing it, but then the vertigo got the better of me and I couldn't do it. Every time I almost did, I could hear the crowd go "Ooooooh" which was quite funny. But I knew I had to do it, so in the end another of my colleagues, who had gone before me, offered to jump with me. By the way - no one actually told me you could jump in twos! Honestly if I had known, I would have forced my manager (who tricked me into thinking she was doing it too) to go with me. But my colleague held my hand, so there was no way I could hesitate, otherwise he would have probably ended up dragging me down, then I would have suffered a mid-air cardiac arrest, banged my head on landing and probably died. There's no need for that kind of drama really is there?

I did it though! I screamed all the way down, but I did it! Everyone was cheering, and I landed on my arse, which was embarrassing, and I doubt I'll ever do such an activity again, but I managed to raise £125.50 for Sport Relief, so it wasn't all bad!

"I Want To Get Away, I Want To Flyyyyyyy Awayyyy, Yeah Yeah Yeaaaaah"

2010-02-17T12:28:00.003Z

Dear Anyone,

I hate my job. Yeah, we're back on this again. Right now I'm at my desk, not supposed to be on the internet (but whatever), with a HUGE pile of paperwork to file away, which is late by the way, and I can't seem to bring myself to give a shite. I'm doing it, but my frustration builds with each file I reach for. Others here seem not to mind , but I actually couldn't care less about any of it. Instead I'm fantasising about what it must be like to love what you do. What a lovely feeling that must be.

I'm also thinking about leaving and going back to temping. Being a receptionist is a whole lot better than the monotonous, never-ending tasks I have to do here. The only problem with that is you never know how abruptly the job will end. Actually I don't mind that part at all, because an unexpected day off is a blessing, but it's the financial side of it, so I guess that won't be a good idea. BUT I NEED TO DO SOMETHING!!!!!!

Last month I joined a website for people who want to do internships in New York City, and I received a message from a company who run a website that sells designer clothing for children. The lady asked me if I would be interested in interning with them, so I discussed it with my life coach, and replied asking them when they would need someone to start, and how long they would like someone there for. I figured I could go for a month, so I would ask my employers here if it would be possible to take unpaid leave, see if I could get a donation from the Bank of Daddy, otherwise take out a small loan with the bank if necessary, and stay with my friend in New Jersey. It's not as impossible as I originally made it out to be in my head. But up till now I am yet to receive a response from them. It's ok though, because at least it made me start thinking about how I would realistically set the wheels in motion.

Emperor also told me about vacancies they have at his workplace in the city. The roles available are PA roles, which isn't media related as I would like it to be, but the money is WAY better than the pittance I'm whoring myself for here, and some of the roles are temporary, which is fine because I can still search for jobs, and at the very least I will be in a new environment. I sent him my re-worked CV, so I am awaiting news...

Anyway I better get back to this nonsense before someone comes and hassles me, which will result in me socking them in their face, then being suspended pending disciplinary action... Hmm then again....

Schmalentines

2010-02-14T19:03:00.002Z

Dear Anyone,

Yes I know the occasion celebrated today is a pagan/man made event, and it is designed to make us singletons feel like shite, and that you should not just focus on partners, but family and friends you love, and I do appreciate them whole-heartedly, and I have even been out today to treat myself to something new, using the theory that if I don't then no one will............... but I can't shake off the Single-and-feeling-like-shite-because-I-am-experiencing-my-32nd-Valentines-Day-alone feeling. (Yes I know it doesn't really kick in till teenage years, but I can't be bothered to do the math right now). And this proves that playing the field doesn't make a damn bit of difference in the long-run. Back to the drawing board I guess.

That's all. Rant over.

Prince Charmer

2010-02-04T15:03:00.006Z

Dear Anyone,

I know I seem to be talking about guys quite a bit recently, but making an effort to play the field brings with it some escapades! Last night I went to dinner with my friend Emperor, and I don't know whether or not it was a date, but if it was, then it was the most perfect date I've had yet!

Let me give you a little background: Emperor and I became friends last summer, while I was in New York with my cousins. I had posted a status on Facebook about how annoyed I was that they had chosen to waste a nice day in NYC by sleeping, so he asked me for my Blackberry messenger pin (don't worry - we have a mutual friend, so he wasn't a complete stranger), and we basically got to know each other over the course of the next few months. He's handsome, funny, intelligent, has a very good job, etc etc, but I never allowed myself to think of him as anything other than a friend, because he's always been in a relationship. We met in person for the first time at a party in November, and saw each other again in up North in December, where he told me that he'd broken up with the girlfriend earlier that week, and that led to us becoming a little intimate that weekend, which then led to confusion and complication in my head.

Anyway, he'd promised to take me out for a friendly dinner in early December, but then had to postpone due to work, so we finally managed to reschedule. We arranged to meet up in the city at 7.45pm and both arrived at exactly 7.45pm (we must have been starving!). He showed me around the area briefly, because that's more or less where he works, then we headed to the restaurant - a very nice place that specialises mainly in steaks. Everyone seemed to have heard of it but me! He'd booked the table for 8pm, but it wasn't quite ready, so we started with a bottle of Rose while we waited, and just chatted away. He was a little frustrated from his day at work, so he was venting, which was cool. When our table was ready we went down in a lift, they brought our bottle and glasses for us and took our coats, showed us to our seats - it was all very posh dahling. The meal was lovely and filling, we had another bottle of Rose, converstaion flowed wonderfully (we spoke about almost everything and anything random) - I had such a good night, even though at times I felt a bit like Crocodile Dundeena who had been plucked from the village and dropped in the middle of the metropolis! Throughout the evening whenever I looked at him I thought to myself: "Wow, you're actually the definition of handsome."

After he settled the bill, it was way past 11pm and he asked the waitress to call a cab for us -something I definitely was not expecting. I'm used to paying for my own cab, or being escorted to the bus stop, so this moved him even further into the 'What A Gentleman!' box. And to top it off, he lives nowhere near me, but the cab dropped me home first before taking him... wow indeed. During the journey he told me that I looked nice (and thought that I must have been insulting him for not saying it to me sooner, but of course I wasn't) and then administered his man manoeuvres that resulted in us holding hands. I thought it was so funny and sweet, but obviously I was laughing inside. Then he told me that he would like to kiss me, so I thought it was ample time to ask him about his relationship status. Now, looking back over the experiences I have had with men over the past few years, what would you guess his response was?.......................................................... Those of you who shouted "He's unavailable, didn't you realise it was too good to be true?!" should give yourselves a gold star and a pat on the back. He said that they broke up in December, got back together in January, but he hadn't seen her for a while, so it has been very on/off. I think my whole body physically deflated, and he probably noticed it too. Story of my life really. I told him that he needs to sort it out once and for all, because I'm not interested into the sharing thing, and he said he hears what I'm saying. I hope so.

When we arrived at my place I told him he could walk me to my door, so he did. I thanked him for a lovely evening, and he thanked me for coming out with him. Now, I don't know about you, but I like it when the things I do include a beginning, a middle and an end, and after such a nice evening I didn't feel it would have been right to just shake hands or hug and then go our separate ways....... so I let him kiss me instead. And I didn't feel bad one bit, because I think I deserved it. So there. He invited me to go back to his place with him, but I think he was just caught up in the moment, because that wasn't going to happen, so I politely declined. I left about half an hour before I sent him a message to say thanks again, and that I really would like him to decide what his situation is, and he said he would. Then I went to sleep smiling....

Gone Fishing Again

2010-01-22T14:04:00.008Z

Dear Anyone,

As I mentioned before, I've decided to try the dating website thing, and so last night I went on another 'date' with another guy, Rusty, who I got chatting to. This outing was a little.... strange.

We started chatting via the website, then I gave him my instant messenger details and we communicated on there. I didn't give him my number the first time he asked, because it was too early for that, but I decided to after a little while. He's cute looking, easier to chat with than Fisher, drives (which is good, because he doesn't live that close to me) and generally I thought he seemed cool.

Two days ago he text me and asked if I would like to go out, before he goes on holiday, so I said yes, and we agreed on meeting for drinks in Brixton at 8pm the next day. I was actually looking forward to it a little bit, because I was intrigued. So, yesterday evening I called him to ask where we should meet, and he asked if I would be able to go a bit further than Brixton, because he thought he would be there all day, but what he had been doing had finished early. I didn't mind too much, since we agreed to meet in Colliers Wood which is in the middle of our two areas. I was about 15 minutes late, and he was already waiting at the tube station when I arrived. He recognised me straight away and gave me a hug, but I could tell by the way he was dressed that we might not be doing what we had planned. He was wearing a blue jogging top and red jogging bottoms - not really a bar outfit... I asked him where we would be going, because the area isn't much of a social one, and that's when he told me that he's a bit financially challenged at the moment, as he had just moved to a new flat and purchased an expensive bed, as well as being in-between jobs at the moment, so he didn't want to go to a bar and make a fool of himself. But, he added, he had drinks back at his place where he wouldn't be able to make a fool of himself. As you can imagine, that was not on my agenda and I told him as such, so he suggested that we go for a drive instead, which we did. I think he was a bit embarassed that the passenger side door couldn't open, due to a little car accident he said he was in a few days ago, so I had to sit at the back while he drove. To anyone looking from the outside, it would seem as though I was in a cab. The conversation was cool though, we didn't struggle to chat and it wasn't awkward, unlike with Fisher. He said he was driving back to his place to get his jacket, and it took about 20 mins or so. I waited in the car while he went up, and when he came back about five minutes later he asked me where I would want to catch the train home from, so I told him I would rather get the bus from Wimbledon, because it would take me straight home.

He started driving again and we ended up in Wimbledon, and he told me that he would come and wait for my bus with me, which made me think Ok, I guess I'm going home now then. We sat in the car for about 15 mins more, chatting about America, starsigns, and other things I can't really remember right now. Then we got out of the car and made our way to the bus stop which was across the road. He actually had to run to catch the bus for me, because it arrived that quickly. So we hugged, he kissed me on the cheek, and I got on. That was it. The total time from when I met up with him to when I got on the bus was about an hour.

Here's what I think happened: He never actually intended for us to go to a bar. I think he had planned for me to go to his place, and when I declined he didn't actually have a Plan B, which is why it wasn't really a date, more like just a 'meet up.' He wasn't really prepared, and I wouldn't have thought anything of it if he hadn't made it seem like we were going out for drinks. He sent me a message today apologising for the evening, and hoped it didn't put me off meeting him again. He also said he had been hoping for a kiss on the lips! When exactly would that have happened??? If I do see him again, I would rather it be when he gets back from his trip and is a bit more settled, where we can at least go and chill and chat somewhere - not his place, I ain't no hussy! He seems like a nice, sweet guy, definitely attractive, but I'm not in a rush so I hope he isn't either.

The search continues...

Dawn of a New Decade

2010-01-01T14:16:00.001Z

Dear Anyone,

2010 eh? Can you believe it? It has been a whole decade since the world was supposed to shut down due to the Millennium Bug. A whole ten years ago! And I remember the year 2000 so well. I was extremely unemployed after finishing university, and I became depressed, and did plenty of courses to try and stay relevant. Wow... the old days. In 10 years time I'll be 42... SO MUCH NEEDS TO HAPPEN IN THAT TIME! A career, marriage and two kids at least.

I haven't actually set any goals for myself this year, I don't feel like I can be bothered. I know what I'd like to do, and I'll do what I can to make them happen, but right now the whole new year's resolution thing is a bit tiresome to me. I'm definitely not doing that "this is going to be my year" nonsense either. Apparently it's been my year for the past 10 years - I should be running around giddy in Exstatic-Land!

I do think I'm a lot more proactive nowadays, however. Maybe not as much as I should be in terms of finding a new 9-5, but I am with the freelance writing, and definitely in playing in the field of Find a Boyfriend. I just don't want to play that field for too long, I want to hit a home-run and go and celebrate!

Hopefully this year will be a good one, and it will be as soon as I find a well-paying gig that will lead to everything else falling into place.

Birthday Thanks

2009-12-30T23:58:00.002Z

Dear God,

Thank you for allowing me to see another birthday. Please bless me with the ability to be patient in receiving what I want in life, and to stop worrying that I don't yet have it. If it's a case of you waiting for everything to happen for me this year, then I pray it does. Through your son Jesus Christ, amen.

Dear Anyone,

I just want to thank my wonderful friends and family for making my birthday so fun. Although I had to waste most of the day at work, my colleagues (eventually) decorated the area behind my desk, and bought me a big, lovely, sweet birthday cake, which I was able to share with my friends and cousins this evening at the bar we went to. I also received three items on my birthday wish list! I'm so happy! I also can't wait for Saturday, because we'll be dining Japanese style, and then partying the night away in the comfort of SP's boyfriend Joseph's family home. Can you say 'EXCITED??!!'

But wow.......32.... hmm...

Birthday Wish List 09

2009-12-16T23:52:00.008Z

Dear Anyone,

With exactly two weeks to go until my birthday, I thought you may like a hand in deciding what present to get me... you know... in case it's really troubling you. So you can choose from:

The new iPod Nano - I want a purple one! It's beautiful.

Michael Jackson's 'This Is It' DVD - I don't know when it's out, but whenever it does come out, that would be great.

'Thriller Live' tickets - I've heard that this show is really good, and... well... obviously it's about Michael Jackson, so naturally I have to see it.

An FM radio stereo system - all I currently have is my Bose iPod dock, so I haven't listened to the radio for aaaaaages. No wonder I have no clue what any song is these days.

Look Magazine Subscription - this is currently the only magazine I buy on a weekly basis, so I might as well subscribe really. I like the fact that they have achieveable fashion (namely high street) brands as well as the obligatory designer labels.

I'm sure there are other things I can't remember right, but when I do I shall be adding to the list, so don't worry...

*This post has been written in jest. I don't really expect presents, but I won't lie, it is nice to receive them.

Gone Fishing

2009-12-16T22:50:00.004Z

Dear Anyone,

After some careful thought and consideration, and encouragement from my life coach, I decided to take a big step out of my comfort zone and join a dating website.......... and I've just come from a 'date' with a guy I met on there.

I joined the site a week and a half ago, and my friend Shar is very happy I have - she's been on there for about a year and she keeps coming back with stories of her various escapades, so I thought I'd give it a try. The guy I met, we'll call him Fisher, is quite cute, he's 20 days older than me, studying for his Masters degree, drives, doesn't live too far and he seems nice enough, but he's not from here (something I'm not used to) and he's pretty quiet like me, so there were gaps in conversation. Just as well the Nandos was delish. Also, he's laying the compliments on a little too strongly at an early stage. He'd already started calling me 'my angel' when we'd been chatting on instant messenger for about a day, and when we sat in his car to talk more after the meal, he actually adjusted his seat so that he could stare at me. I think he was under the impression that something romantic would happen, because he then tried to stroke strands of my hair. Tres uncomfortable. I know some will say that there's no pleasing some women, but it kinda makes me feel like telling him to "calm down son!"

My problem is that I like to get to know new guys gradually. Actually I shouldn't say 'problem', it's just how I am. As much as I would like to be in a relationship, I don't like feeling forced or like it's not flowing naturally. For me, this was more a chance for us to meet more than it was a date. Of course I'm not going to write him off, I'm just going to make sure that if anything is to develop here, it will be at my pace. He wants to see me again, but I told him that I don't know when I'll be free, and that is the truth. I'm off to Birmingham this weekend (hopefully there'll be plenty of stories derived from that trip) and it's Christmas next week, so I really don't know. Though I think I'd rather we chatted on the phone a bit more first. Hmm... we'll see...

Back in 09

2009-12-06T22:35:00.012Z

Dear Anyone,

Although we have not yet entered 2010, and it's a little early to be reciting my resolutions, I would just like to inform you of one I have made. I will be leaving all these Doing-Nothing-For-Me men back in 2009.

I have decided to leave the idea of Muscle here in 2009. Yes, he ticks most of the boxes on my list, and yes, I probably held a fraction of hope that one day maybe, just maybe, we might actually get together, but I've accepted that it more than likely won't happen. I came to this conclusion a couple of weeks ago when I called him just to catch up, since we hadn't spoken for a while. It was a Sunday afternoon and he said he was just chilling at home, but he kept yawning, and I think the thing that cemented it for me was the fact that he ended the conversation. They say that the one who made the call should be the one to end it, and if the other person does, then they are probably bored or don't want to speak to you. I'm not saying there was any type of malicious intent, but maybe I should just take a hint. So I will. We'll always be friends, because I think he's a great guy, but any sort of harboured hope I may hold will no longer remain.

As for Tod, the whole 'it is what it is' won't be any longer. It's really not worth it and I deserve 100% better. Entertaining him is compromising who I am and what I actually want. I know there are many girls who he spins the same lyrics to as he spins to me, so I just don't see why I should lower myself. Again with him I'll also remain friends, but nothing further.

The Body isn't even really worth mentioning. He calls or messages me probably when I cross his mind every few weeks, and aside from him being young, I feel he is someone who wants to be chased and expects a girl to come to him on his own time, and that doesn't work for me. He'll ask when I'm free, and he will want it to be at that momemt that he's contacted me, when I'm usually busy, but he won't make an effort to arrange a time and make it happen, which is annoying really. Hot boy, but I need a hot man.

So hopefully, together with your prayers and my strength, I will leave these people (as I've known them) here at the end of 2009, and begin the new decade with a new network and new opportunities and experiences.

Plus None?

2009-11-29T21:56:00.009Z

Dear Anyone,

I have just come back from a wedding I attended all by myself. As in... no date, no mate, just me and people I had a good chance of not knowing. Would that not be considered a nightmare for some people?!

I was invited by the groom Aidan, who I went to University with. When I received the invitation I was quite impressed by its packaging. It was rolled in a golden coloured tube, with a nice golden ribbon tied around it. I read the details, and apart from the fact that it was all the way across London, I was baffled by the "(1)" written beside my name. Did this mean me plus one, or me alone? I sent Aidan a text asking just that, and his reply was: "Just you." Ok... never heard that one before.

I seriously SERIOUSLY debated whether or not to go, because I know myself. If it's just me invited, then it means trekking all the way in no car, and carrying my shoes, because I'm not hurting my feet in heels for anyone. But I'm so glad I decided to go - it was lovely!

I was at the table reserved for Uni friends, so I was with at least four others that I knew and haven't seen for years, but we were all joking around and reminiscing, and it was great. I didn't feel awkward at all. At one point one of the guys suggested that a few of us exchange seats, so that everyone mingles with each other, and it worked.

They say that there is always a chance that you could meet a potential new 'someone' at a wedding, and although this didn't really happen for me, I did get talking to one guy who I knew from Uni but we didn't speak back then. To be honest, he used to scare me a little, and I told him so today. Back then he just seemed aggressive, with his gold tooth and tattoos. He laughed when I told him, and one of the other guys said that I'm not the first to think that. But now that I've actually spoken to him, he's quite mellow and funny... and cute. I gave him my details to find me on Facebook (his suggestion), so we'll see.

Despite the typical wet English weather trying to dampen the mood, it has turned out to be a really nice day. It's lovely to see Aidan so happy, and his new wife seems like a lovely woman, judging by all the tributes that were made. Aidan reckons it will be my turn soon, and I appreciate his faith, but I'm saying nothing. It's made me think that I need to get my skates on though, 2011 isn't that far off...

Starved

2009-10-21T09:12:00.008+01:00

Dear Anyone,

I've been thinking about Muscle and Tod quite a bit in the past week. I haven't actually seen or spoken to Tod for a while, and Muscle and I had a conversation by text a few days ago, which is what got me thinking about him again. I think it's because I'm starved of affection right now. I'm bored. I'd like some kind of distraction at least until my future husband decides to show himself. Or better still - I'd like him to make an appearance now, please.

I think I'm just going through one of those lonely phases again. Right now I am actually, completely and utterly single, as in, if I meet someone new right now I won't have to consider anyone else's feelings or wonder how I'd break the news to someone else. As single as the day I was born - that's me.

I do have work and other things going on, that other people successfully use to occupy their minds, but that doesn't really work for me. Well it's not working right now anyway. I'm not going to bore you with what I want exactly, because I'm sure with the number of times I have been on and on about it, you could recite it to me word-perfect.

I just need a new routine, new scenery, new opportunities, and most of all, as LL Cool J put it - I NEED LOVE!!

Can't Live With 'Em, Can't Live Without 'Em

2009-09-30T14:10:00.006+01:00

Dear Anyone,

I'm currently going through one of those phases where my family is getting on my nerves, and it feels a bit too crowded at home. My mum just keeps moaning, and it makes me not want to be around. She says I have an answer for everything, and maybe I do, but I told her that I'm not going to stay quiet and let her think she's right, when I don't think she is. Was that rude?

My youngest brother is taking the utmost PISS in paying back money he owes me. I've had to confiscate the new phone he ordered, which he's not getting it back until I get my money, and he knows not to ask me for it either. It's so annoying, I give him an inch and he takes a mile, as they say.

I really need my own place, my room is just not enough. That way relationships won't be so strained and people won't get irritable. But of course that's where the issue of money comes in.... Sigh...

Declaration!

2009-08-20T17:04:00.002+01:00

Dear Anyone,

I am putting it out there to let it be known by all: On this day in exactly two years time... I SHALL BE GETTING MARRIED.

To whom - I don't know. Where - I have no clue. But I do know when:

Saturday on the 20th day of August in the year 2011.

So please write it in your diaries and start planning your outfits. Ladies - no black please.

Thank you.

Let's Have A Good Ole Catch Up

2009-08-14T13:50:00.020+01:00

Dear Anyone,

I've realised that I have become a bit slack in updating you on what has been going on, so instead of writing a number of different posts, I'm going to update you in one. Go and make your cuppa and get comfy. Let's see...

I last told you about meeting The Body at the beginning of July. Well it's been a bit of a let down to be honest. We met up very briefly at the train station in our area that following Friday, when he was on his way to his brother's house for the night. It was literally for about five minutes. We'd been speaking on the phone throughout the week and I think we were both just very curious about what the other looked like close up! I definitely wasn't disappointed. We then met up again on the Sunday afternoon (which we joked about being our anniversary), but we only went for a drive, then parked up outside the block he lives in, because he admitted that he was presently broke and didn't really have the funds to go out and have a proper date. But it gave us the opportunity to talk and get to know each other a bit more. I thought he seemed like a cool guy, a bit quiet, but not in a way that made it awkward. To be honest though, I kind of got the hint that we might not be looking for the same thing when we'd spoken on the phone earlier and he told me he was horny, and tried to ask me personal questions about sex. I wasn't really feeling that, but I still decided to remain open-minded, you know, trying not to be the Agenda Girl that I identified myself as. We met up again the following Friday and went for something to eat, then back to his place, where we watched a bit of telly and chilled. Yes, there was a little kissing and touching, but nothing much. We fell asleep and woke up at about 3am, and he paid for my cab home. I haven't seen him since then though. There have been one or two text and phone conversations, but nothing to report. He reckons he's busy job hunting (he told me he'd quit his job, because it wasn't for him, but I don't know how convinced I am about that) and I know he goes to the gym every day. I'm not really as bothered as I probably should or thought I would be. As gorgeous as he is, I don't think that spark was there. All this happened about a month ago, and we haven't really spoken much since, so I might give him a call and see how he is. Won't hurt, will it?

I've just come back from a holiday in New York and I want to go back! I went with my cousins Ursula and Wonder for 10 days, and we rented a condo in Harlem. It was lovely - one of those that makes you wish you had your own place... well me anyway. The location was extremely convenient, because we had a main road at either end of ours, so we had easy access to all kinds of shops, plus it was only two blocks from the nearest subway. I have to say though, I don't find it as cheap over there as it used to be. I know that the GBP is not as strong against the US Dollar as usual, but I think this recession has made them increase their prices generally. Such is life I guess. It was Ursula's birthday three days after we arrived, so we had a little get-together with the few people we know over there - Ursula's two cousins, and her friend from London, Wonder's "friend" who moved there a few months ago, and his friend (who they tried to set me up with, but I wasn't even slightly interested), and another of her friends who she met on Myspace (he's a funny young man though). It was a nice day, except Wonder let her "friend" upset her, and that resulted in her being a bit of an emotional wreck for the rest of the evening. Ursula had fun and got drunk, so that was the main thing. In fact, I don't think I'll even discuss the mass alcohol consumption during the course of the ten days... All I will say is that my liver is probably going to punish me soon. We also took a trip to a huge shopping mall in New Jersey, called Jersey Gardens (courtesy of my friend Minnie), and visited Brooklyn. Ursula's aunt lives in Brooklyn and she was nice enough to cook plenty of food to last us the entire trip, so we in turn went to visit her (where she cooked for us again!) and give her a 'thank you' gift. Wonder didn't come with us that day though, because she allowed that piss-taking "friend" of hers to do just that - take the piss. He knew we'd had plans to go to Brooklyn that day, so he called in the morning and said he wanted to come with us. We had breakfast, showered, dressed, chilled, and he still hadn't turned up, so we decided that we needed to leave. Wonder called him to find out where he was, and he was still at home. I kept telling her to tell him to meet us there, but instead she asked him if she should wait for him. She flopped. Ursula and I went ahead, and let's just say we didn't see Wonder and her man until we had headed back to Times Sq. I couldn't really talk to her for a bit, because it pissed me off that she allowed this guy to mess up our plans, and she claimed to be annoyed at him, but she was still acting all lovey-dovey with him. I think this trip made me realise that Wonder and I are two different holiday types. I like to make the most of the trip and opportunities that arise, and she......... doesn't. Simples. But overall we enjoyed it, and made some new friends, so that's all good. And now I'm back to researching how to get some work over there for about a year. I'll let you know how that goes.

Hmm... what else? I still speak to Muscle every so often, usually by text. He's still hot, but why would that change? I saw him just before I went to NYC, when we met up after work for me to take my Scrabble board game back from him (I'd been to his place earlier this year and we played it, and naturally I won). He's cool though, just very busy it seems.

Tod is still Tod. Still undeserving, but I don't intend to marry him, so it still is what it is. I saw him when we got back from NYC, but before then the last time I saw him was in February I think. I don't have the time or energy to be dealing with baby-mama drama - not even slightly interested in it. It's one of those situations where he doesn't know what he wants, but he doesn't want me to not be there. I'm under no illusion about him and other women, as much as he tries to tell me there are none, I'm constantly hearing things to the contrary. It's not like I'm sitting here waiting for him to be ready for me, so he can do what he wants. I'm still (just about) keeping hope alive that I'll find someone to come with what I'm looking for, and I'm still searching and trying to be open minded, so one day... We won't go into the fact that I'm nearly 32 and banking on a six-month whirlwind romance, otherwise we'll be here forever.

In terms of my job... well I'm still at this place, but also still on my grind. Let's not talk about the day job, because I'm trying to be more positive in the things I focus on. So with the writing, I'm currently doing a couple of things: writing for a new UK men's magazine called Candy Mag. It is image heavy, but they have a few articles to hopefully engage females also. The models are semi-glamour models, so there is no full nudity, just implied, and though it is unpaid for now, it is something I don't mind doing because I do need to build my portfolio. I have also written biographies for a couple of models, to be used as a pitch to potential clients. In fact, let me name them now, so that when they become Supermodels, you'll know that I had a hand in it! Natalie Suliman and Sanya Hughes. Natalie has already been receiving press interest, as she is the owner of the famous pair of breasts used for Marks & Spencer's lingerie ad. Their manager also wants me to write a biog for himself and mini ones for his staff to go on their website and Wikipedia, which is great, because it's extra money in my pocket!!

So that's about it really, and new and I'll let you know. And I promise to do better with my updates, because my slackness isn't fair on the rest of you....

Still Got It!

2009-07-07T15:59:00.015+01:00

Dear Anyone,

Two days ago I was standing at the bus stop on my way to meet SP to go to my niece's christening reception, while on the phone to my cousin Wonder. I looked across the road and spotted two extremely pretty guys walking, one of them was short and cute, and the other was very tall and had quite possibly the most beautiful physique I think I have seen in real life. He and Muscle would have to fight it out to win the title. It was that good. I tried to paint the picture of the beauty I was seeing to Wonder (which is a bit of a waste of time, because she's into skinny men), and the shorter one crossed the road to my bus stop, while The Body stayed at the stop opposite.

I - being a normal female - had to keep sneaking looks across the road as often as I could, because it would just be silly not to. Then I noticed him take his phone out, dial, and put it to his ear. I said to Wonder, "I'll bet you any money he's calling his friend," and I was so right. I couldn't hear what was said, because The Friend was at the other end of the bus stop, so I just continued to ogle when I could, but it was a little hard, because I am short-sighted so I couldn't tell if he was also looking at me or not, and naturally I wouldn't want to make it obvious.

Then I noticed my bus approaching in the distance (which was a damn shame!), and at the same time The Friend was walking over to where I was standing.

"Excuse me," he said to me. "My friend would like to talk to you."

"You'll have to ask him to cross over, because my bus is coming," I said.

Then he went back on his phone and was saying, "She wants you to come over... awww - you're too late now, the bus is here. You're so slow! What's wrong with you??"

At that same moment, The Body's bus arrived, and he got onto it, so The Friend continued to diss him about his lack of action. I decided to sit upstairs on the packed bus, and so did The Friend, but he was more at the front of the bus. Wonder was in my ear screaming "Oh my gosh, you have to give him your number! You have to! You can't waste this opportunity!" But I didn't know how, because to go up to him would be so obvious, and other people on the bus would probably hear our conversation - tres embarassing for me! Then it occurred to me... I have my business cards in my bag! I decided that if The Friend was getting off the bus before me, I would go up to him before he got off, but luckily I was getting off before him, so I took my card out of my bag, approached him and tapped him on his shoulder:

"Tell your friend that it's not too late, he can have my card."

Then I got off the bus. Wonder was screaming in my ear again, which wasn't fair because I wanted to scream too! It was not at all in my nature to be that forward, but I didn't care, because I might never see them again.

About 45 minutes later, when SP and I had just pulled up outside my cousin's house, I received a phone call from a number I didn't recognise. I answered, and it was The Body. He told me that he didn't want to approach me himself, because he could see I was on the phone and didn't know whether I was speaking to my boyfriend, so he asked his friend to, and was shocked that his friend did it, as he is extremely shy. He seems like quite a nice, confident guy, but my only grievance is that he is younger than me, but I won't let that get in the way of the possibility of getting to know him.

YOU KNOW I WILL KEEP YOU POSTED!

Gone Too Soon

2009-06-26T14:53:00.008+01:00

Like the loss of sunlight with the rising of the moon, gone too soon.

'Gone Too Soon' - Dangerous (1991)

Michael Jackson

Dear Anyone,

I am absolutely distraught at the events of yesterday. I know I don't even have to tell you what I'm talking about, because it's one of those "Where were you when...?" moments. The passing of a legend is worldwide knowledge. I feel sick. I actually threw up this morning while I was in the bathroom. It's too bloody soon. He wasn't meant to go yet. I know people say that legends always die young, but not yet. Not without warning. He wasn't even ill (that we knew of).

I received so many phone call and texts while the news was breaking. People asking me if I was okay - you'd think I was actually related to him. Whenever you hear of a celebrity dying it's always a shock, but this was the one I dreaded the most, and it has actually happened. I can't believe it.

I was in my bedroom chatting to my mum about her holiday in California, when SP called me asking if i was okay.

"Yeah I'm fine, why?"

"Haven't you seen the news?"

"No, why what's happened??"

I then quickly switched the TV over to SKY News and saw the breaking news. At the time it was unconfirmed, but I just started shaking in disbelief and my mum even had to hold me so I didn't fall. This was just after 10pm, and I didn't go to bed until nearly 3am. Of course I couldn't sleep a wink, and strangely enough I don't feel tired today. Just shocked. Now I have to prepare myself for the continuous tabloid coverage. Great.

RIP MJ.... hopefully now you're out of whatever pain it was that was troubling you..

Not A Celebrity, But Get Me Out Of Here!

2009-06-19T20:02:00.008+01:00

Dear Anyone,

Try as I might, the passion I feel for my job seems to be growing and growing more and more each day, and I can't control it. This passion I am speaking of is the one known as Hate. Right now I hate my job. With a passion. It's making me take liberties and not care, which is unlike me. I get there late, knowing full well that the Powers That Be can check my log in time, but do I give a....? Nope. I'm blatantly on the internet when I'm not supposed to be, but do I give a....? Nope. Work gets in the way of life, especially if it's a job you don't actually want to be doing.

I know that in this current climate I should be grateful that I even have a job, when so many people are being made redundant, but that still doesn't change my feeling. You know it's serious when your desire to leave is stronger than the realisation that if you do you will have no money. Sometimes I feel like if I was to be made redundant, I wouldn't even be upset about it. All I would be thinking is, "Yaaaay, I don't have to come here tomorrow!" I even envy our temps when they are told that they will be finishing! That's terrible, isn't it?

On a more positive note, things are really picking up on the freelance writing front. I recently wrote a biography for a model who is destined for big things, and got paid for it. She is currently the owner of the breasts used to advertise Marks & Spencer's lingerie. Now her manager wants me to write biogs for himself and his team. All good with me!

I am also now a writer for a new men's magazine, which a friend of mine got me involved in. It's a magazine full of eye-candy, so it's not heavy on the editorial. It's quarterly and not paid for now, which is absolutely fine with me, because I really need to build my portfolio with recent work.

A couple of days ago I designed some business cards on a really good website that SP showed me, so that I can promote myself as a freelance writer a bit more when we go to networking events. SP also designed some for herself, as she is trying to secure more freelance marketing projects. We are bang on this!! She has recently become a 'victim' of this credit crunch, but don't feel sorry her - she is now free from a workplace she also hates. Too much of our lives are spent wasting away in unappreciative environments, and now is the time to start putting an end to it once and for all. WE SHALL OVERCOME!!!

*clears throat* Sorry, I got a little carried away....

Unpretty

2009-05-22T10:54:00.007+01:00

Dear Anyone,

I've not been feeling like myself recently. I think I've lost my 'sexy'. Last night I felt so unattractive, and it was really getting me down. I know that I don't like the way my hair looks right now, but I would say that my hair contributes to about 60% of how I am feeling. The problem is I can't pin-point what makes up the other 40%. I just feel really unattractive, and just generally... crap. I think I'm probably suffering from PMS and that's awful, because my period never affects me that way. I only ever get slightly agitated, but that's if someone is irritating me while I'm cramping. (Guys reading this - stop acting like this makes you squeamish - GROW SOME BALLS!!!!).

Hopefully when I do my hair I'll feel a little better. But that's not till next week!!!!!

(I proceed to wail like a baby...)

Cyber-friends

2009-05-06T12:17:00.007+01:00

Dear Anyone,

Last night I met up with an American friend I made on Myspace a couple of years ago, who is in London on a short break.................. and 'she' turned out to be a 42-year old, balding man, with the biggest and most disgusting pot-belly I have ever seen...

Joke!!!

Luckily for you I trust my instincts and I had absolutely no reason to doubt her, even though I had a couple of nay-sayers telling me otherwise. Her name is Minnie (or that's what we'll call her) and we seem to have a lot in common. Our parents come from the same country, we're in the same age group, and we're into most of the same things. And she's really cool! Her sister is here studying at university for one semester, so Minnie came to visit and they'll be heading back to the U.S together on Sunday.

The three of us met up in south London and went to a bar/restaurant, but none of us was hungry, so we just had a couple of drinks. And we chatted and chatted and chatted away like old friends. Of course the main topic of conversation was men, since we're all practically in the same boat, and we exchanged stories of recent and not so recent relationships. It's so funny how similar our experiences are. It was a very nice evening. It makes me feel optimistic about meeting new people amd making new friends.

I definitely plan on meeting up with her the next time I go to New York. It's about time we made some female friends in the U.S., instead of these excited guys who aren't really interested in showing you around their country.

So here's to new friends - cheeeers!

Loss

2009-04-15T13:45:00.009+01:00

Dear Anyone,

The past few days have been quite hard in my family. My uncle - my dad's older brother - died on Easter Sunday, while on holiday in Ghana, and it was such a shock as none of us knew he was even ill.

He had a stroke seven years ago, and although there was nothing wrong with his mind, his body was paralysed on one side, so he'd been in a wheelchair ever since. But every time he goes to Ghana, he has treatment and responds so well to it, that the doctors are always hopeful that he'd walk again. I guess that's not going to happen now.

My cousin Diggy is absolutely devastated as you would imagine. She was basically a daddy's girl, she'd even tell you that herself, and she was looking forward to her parents returning next month. When I'd found out and managed to get in touch with her, she was completely incoherent through her wailing, but she calmed down a little later. My brothers and I went to see her on Sunday night, and I offered to stay with her (as she is in the house alone) but she said that she wanted to be by herself with her dad's blanket. However, she sent me a text early yesterday morning asking if I could come and stay the night, so of course I did, and I had already text my manager to tell her what had happened and that I wouldn't be at work.

I've come to work from Diggy's house today, and I'm quite tired, because her brother also stayed over and we didn't go to bed till quite late. But more than that I'm just worried for Diggy and for my dad. My dad lost his other brother to a stroke just over 23 years ago, and now his last surviving brother has gone. Their mum died a couple of years ago too. Now he's going to have the stress of arranging a funeral and being strong for my aunty and everyone else, and that makes me worry about his own health. Strokes are rife in our family, as is high blood pressure. If something happened to my dad.....well it doesn't bear thinking about. And the worst thing (well not the worst) is that just over a week ago Diggy and I were talking about one of our friends who has just lost her mum, and how we wouldn't know what to do if it happened to us. Now this.

I'm going to do my very best to be as supportive as I can. It's just a pity that work gets in the way of life, or I'd be able to give her more of my time.

Rest in peace Uncle. You've been able to escape that body. xx

A Real Boyfriend

2009-04-07T16:58:00.004+01:00

Dear Anyone,

One of my 'friends' on Facebook posted this as a note, and I really like it, so I thought I'd share it with you (if only everyone could see this and understand it):

When she stares at your mouth
Kiss her

When she ignores you
Give her your attention

When she pulls away
Pull her back

When you see her at her worst
Tell her she's beautiful

When you see her start crying
Just hold her and don't say a word

When you see her walking
Sneak up and hug her waist from behind

When she's scared
Protect her

When she steals your favorite hoodie
Let her keep it and sleep with it

When she teases you
Tease her back and make her laugh

When she doesn't answer for a long time
Reassure her that everything is okay

When she looks at you with doubt
Back yourself up

When she says that she loves you
She really does more than you can understand

When she grabs at your hands
Hold her's and play with her fingers

When she bumps into you
Bump into her back and make her laugh

When she tells you a secret
Keep it safe and untold

When she looks at you in your eyes
Dont look away until she does

When she says it's over
She still wants you to be hers

Stay on the phone with her even if she's not saying anything

When she's mad hug her tight and don't let go

When she says she's ok don't believe it, talk with her because 10 yrs later she'll remember you

Call her at 12:00am on her birthday to tell her you love her

Treat her like she's all that matters to you

Stay up all night with her when she's sick

Watch her favorite movie with her or her favorite show even if you think it's stupid

Give her the world

Let her wear your clothes

When she's bored and sad, hang out with her

Let her know she's important

Don't talk about other girls around her

Kiss her in the pouring rain

When she runs up to you crying, the first thing you say is:"Whose ass am I kicking baby?"

If only! Sweet though, isn't it? And it's not too much to ask, is it?! Just because it's from the woman's point of view, doesn't mean to say that we wouldn't offer the same in return. I can imagine there are guys out there that would read a list like this and think we women are demanding too much 'as usual,' but I know guys who already think this way of their partners, so i know it's possible, I just wonder if it'll be a reality for me...

I've realised that I haven't recently updated you with the situation on my love life..... that's because there is no situation. So in actual fact I have kept you completely up to speed by saying nothing!

I met up with Muscle a couple of times about two months ago and went to his place, which was nice, but it hasn't meant anything in the long run. I didn't write about it at the time, because I didn't want people asking me questions. But one of the books I'm currently reading (The Secret: Daily Teachings) has an entry which states that just because you meet someone who you think is right for you, it doesn't mean that they actually are, but you can find yourself forcing that belief and inadvertedly pushing away the one who is. Basically how can you dictate what the Universe has in store for you? I think that's what I had/have been doing with Muscle. As I have said before, he ticks almost all my boxes, so maybe I have just been blinding myself to whoever else could be out there for me. Don't worry, he hasn't shown himself as yet, but as soon as he does you'll be the second to know.

And as for Tod, well I don't think he's really speaking to me right now. Generally speak very often, and recently he's been going through some personal issues. I have been as supportive as I can be, but now that the issues seem to have been resolved (to him) he's decided that if someone tells him what he needs to hear and not what he wants to hear, then what they are saying is stupid. I happen to be one of those people, and because he didn't like what I'd asked him it seems he's not really intersted in speaking to me. Whatever. He's a user, and one day it will come back to bite him. I'm not even contemplating the thought of allowing myself to be upset, because it's simply not worth it.

So there you go. No joy, but I'm allowing myself to be more positive and sociable, and hopefully in the process something might come of it.

The Thriller At The O2

2009-03-18T20:29:00.006Z

Dear Anyone,

I'm so excited!!!! SP called me at work today and told me that Joseph had managed to get tickets to Michael Jackson's concert at the O2 Arena in September!

I don't think you understand what this means to me, and how stressful it has been to try and obtain even just one ticket. After it was announced that he would be doing shows in London, I made sure I instantly signed up to receive special codes, both on the Michael Jackson website and O2 (as I am a customer) so that I could book pre-sale tickets when they were released at 7am on 11 March, before the general release on 13 March. I received my codes the day before, so at 6.50am on the 11th I was up and ready with my PC and my phone. I was also liaising with Joseph, because we had agreed that we would both try to get four tickets each, keep the tickets with the better seats, and sell the others.

I was trying and trying and trying and trying on the phone, and trying and trying and trying and trying on the websites, and all attempts were proving fruitless for me. Joseph managed to get a little further than me, in that he was on the website, but was being told that he had a 15 minute wait. Then he finally managed to get through, but the tickets he was offered were on Level 4 - The Nose Bleed Section. There's no way either of us were willing to pay £50-75 to 'listen' to the show, so he let them go. I've already briefly experienced the view from up there when we were originally given those useless seats at the New Kids On The Block concert. No way, Jose. As much as I love the King of Pop, I don't have the money to waste like he does. Then again neither does he, if recent reports are anything to go by.

I had to give up eventually or I would have been late for work, but when I got to work you know I kept trying throughout the day. But to no avail. And as much as the news channels were reporting how quickly the pre-sale tickets had sold out, it was fine, because we still had another chance on the Friday.

I made sure I slept in the sitting room on Thursday night, and I also left the PC on to so that it was ready for me in the morning. This time I set my alarm for 6.30am, and I was liaising with Joseph and Roxy. She had two laptops and a phone in front of her - we were on a mission! But it was almost like deja-vu, except this time I managed to get through to being told I have a 15 minute wait on the website. The clocks clearly work differently at Ticketmasterland, because after an hour and a half I still had a '15 minute waiting time.' Once again work got in the way of my life, so I had to abandon my attempts and try again at the office. No joy, all day long. And I couldn't really focus on anything else during the day, because it was all that people were talking about. One woman at work was squealing with excitement, she had managed to obtain tickets, so I phoned her extension and asked how she'd managed it and which seats she got, and I know it sounds bad, but I felt better when she said "Level 4." I decided not to be upset about it, because really I'm quite fortunate, I have seen MJ in concert three times after all, it's just that I never thought I would be able to again. I felt bad for Roxy, because she never has and she really wants to.

Imagine my surprise when I received a voicemail from SP today, telling me to call her as soon as I could. She knew she had to mention in her message that nothing bad had happened, because she knew the seriousness in her voice would make me panic! So I snuck around the corner and called her to call me back. She asked me:

"What are you doing on September the 21st?"
"Nothing that I know of."
"Good, because we're going to see Michael Jackson."

Wooooooooooooohoooooooo! I had to compose myself as much as possible, being at work and all. It turns out that American Express were given a ticket allocation, and good ole Joe-Boy was able to purchase through them. I knew he wouldn't let me down! And he was able to get some for Roxy too, so we're all going!! "I'm so exciiited, and I just can't hiiide it, I'm about to lose control and I think I like it, oh yeah!"

Me And The City

2009-03-10T21:15:00.007Z

Dear Anyone,

Recently I acquired my very first item from eBay, the Sex And The City DVD boxset - all seasons. It was all so very exciting, but I won't go into that, because I know I'm the last person in the Western world to cotton onto the benefits of that site. This was about a month ago, and ever since then I have been watching an episode or two per night. And I've learned a few things about myself!

I think I'm a little bit like Carrie, in that I look for the best in a potential partner, but generally it gets thrown back in my face. One thing I have also noticed that the SATC women do is allow themselves to be open to going on at least one date with someone they meet, and admittedly I don't do that. I kind of weigh up too many options, the main one being whether I find him attractive at that moment. I'm thinking that maybe I need to stop doing that. Maybe I need to come out of my comfort zone.

The problem is that I dislike being match-made. I don't know if I've said it before, but I find it all too forced. I don't think it gives you the opportunity to become friends, because automatically you have to think of the other person as a boyfriend or girlfriend. But at the same time, I guess that's the aim, isn't it? You don't get set up with someone just to be friends, do you? Hmm... Maybe I'll give it a go when the opportunity arises... Note that I said "maybe"...

M.Y.O.B

2009-03-09T13:45:00.004Z

Dear Anyone,

I'm getting a little tired of people who don't pay me or my bills, telling me how I should spend the money I earn. And yet they like to squander their pennies on nonsense they'll never see again.

My two cousins and I (Wonder and Ursula) are planning on going to New York this summer, for about 10 days. Now I am someone who has to get out of this country at least once a year, otherwise I'll go mad. I enjoy travelling - sue me. But because others don't feel the same, they can't understand it. So instead they tell me that I travel too much, and ask me how I can afford it, and tell me that I should be saving instead. I'm sorry, but I didn't realise you were my bank manager and every deposit or withdrawal made from my account is instantly reported to you. How do you know that I don't save? I save to go on holiday, that's why I can and you can't!!!!!

Last week I bought myself a new mobile phone, because my current one is seriously malfunctioning, and I'm not eligible for an upgrade until at least August. Obviously when you buy the handset only without a new contract to go with it, it's quite pricey. But I'm being asked "Why are you paying so much for a phone? Blah blah blah." I bought this phone on eBay, and it was far cheaper than it would have been if I had bought it in a shop. Do you honestly think I would paid for it if it meant that I couldn't survive until the next pay day? Of course not. I'm not stupid. And I am also not a shopaholic either. I know how to practice restraint - in fact I consider myself to be a true professional at being broke but not looking like it! Yet these people talk about how they spent £hundreds getting drunk and trying to live the champagne lifestyle at over-priced clubs. Once you've been to the toilet to piss and throw up, what do you have to show for it? Nada.

The way I see it, my salary is literally pittance (if you knew how much I don't earn you'd laugh at me) and the only way to keep sane is to treat myself once in a while. I was unemployed for years after university, and my current job is the longest I've held in a full-time position, so for once I have more money coming in than I ever have. If I am able to experience new things with it, why shouldn't I???

Valen-what?

2009-02-14T13:52:00.003Z

Oh... today is February 14th?

Gosh, I hadn't even noticed...

One Man And Her iPod

2009-02-02T22:10:00.004Z

Dear Anyone,

Last night I went to a comedy show with Shar, and although it had started to snow while we were on our way, I didn't think it would settle, because it hardly ever does. But by the time we came out of the venue, the snow was falling so heavily and had settled so deeply, that we couldn't see our way properly back to Shar's car. People had already started building 'snowthings' (because they weren't all snowmen) and the snow fights were in full swing. It took us far too long to even get back to my house, because Shar had to drive at about 5mph. It is probably the only time that traffic could go so slowly and people won't complain. Poor Shar didn't get home until after 2am.

Then this morning I received a call at about 7am from my cousin Wonder, telling me that Transport for London have suspended all buses, and most train and underground lines, due to the snow. Now the bus is the only way I get to work, so I decided to turn the TV onto Sky News and see what was going on, and to my complete satisfaction - it was true!! I figured that no-one would be able to get to work today, especially since my colleagues all come from East London, so I turned over and made myself more comfy, but still listening to the updates. I'm supposed to start work at 9.30am, so at 9.30am exactly I decided to text my team leader and ask what her situation was, and I told her that buses weren't running in my area, so I didn't know how I'd get in. I was expecting her to say that she's got no way of getting to work so she's still at home, but instead she said that she was squashed up on a train that wasn't moving, and that I should do my best to get in. Dagnammit!!

I still took my time getting ready, because I honestly couldn't think of another way to get to work besides walking, and that was something I absolutely did not want to do. I really didn't want to have to. In fact I refused to even consider the option. But I did it. And it took me an hour to get there. And I was slipping and sliding all over the place. And my legs were aching. I don't think I would have gotten through it, were it not for my iPod. I love my iPod. It keeps me company everywhere I go. As I was walking and freezing my arse off, I was singing along to the tunes aloud, and I actually didn't care who heard me.

Now I wasn't sure how to feel when I got to the deserted office at 12pm, only to be told "We're going to finish at 1pm today, because the snow is going to get worse." Do you laugh or cry? I really didn't know what to say. Obviously I was happy that I could go home early, but bloody hell - they could have told me not to bother! But it's alright. I'm trying to see the reason for everything, and I think in this case it was to make up for the fact that I didn't make it to the gym yesterday, so God wanted me to exercise in an alternative way. That's fine. I didn't actually do any work at all, because it's my team leader's birthday today, so we just spent time doing a mini celebration for her, then left the office at about 1.30pm to go and have snow fights right outside the building, before fighting the snow on our journeys home. This time I was able to take the tube half way, but I still had to walk the other half, and by the time I got home I was knackered!

The forecasters are saying that the snow is expected to continue tomorrow, so let's all cross our fingers and hope that the disruption continues!

Let's Get Physical

2009-01-25T19:58:00.003Z

Dear Anyone,

So I have finally managed to get myself to a gym, at long last, and I didn't workout as much as I wanted to, but I sweated severely, and I guess that's what counts. And I know I'll be aching tomorrow for sure.

Do you remember Bumper? Well he works at a gym, so with this year being the year of the Credit Crunch and all, I'm utilising my contacts and going to use it for free every weekend. Plus he is also a Personal Trainer, so he said he'll do a fat-burning program for me to follow. That would be tres helpful.

I plan to stick to is as much as possible, even though it's extremely hard for me to leave my house on Sundays (it's the day of rest!), and I'm already thinking that I'm going to get my hair done this Saturday, and my sweating the next day might spoil the texture. But I'll find a way to make it work. Look out for a trimmer me coming to a summer near you! I hope...

New Kids On The Blog II

2009-01-25T00:17:00.003Z

Dear Anyone,

I've just come back from re-living my childhood at the O2 Arena!! I've finally seen New Kids On The Block live!! And it was sooooooooo good. They didn't disappoint at all. And before you ask - no, they're not old men, and yes, they can still move!

I went with my cousin Wonder, my friend Roxy and her sister. Roxy had booked the tickets in September (as I have previously mentioned) but the tickets only arrived just before Christmas. Roxy didn't even look at them properly, she just went and locked them in a safe straight away!

When we got to the venue and made our way to our seats, there was no way we were staying there. They had put us in the seats right at the top, where you could literally touch the ceiling! Why??? Those were definitely not the seats that Roxy had booked, because I specifically remember her telling me at the time that we would be on ground level in the second block, so every time I thought about it, that's where I pictured us. Fortunately when we took them to the ticket desk, the girls behind the counter changed them for us, and gave us seats on the side, from where we could see the whole stage, but they told us not to tell anyone, because they weren't really allowed to do that, and they'd had to turn away whole families. Then when we got to our seats the girls in front of us told us that their original seats were even higher than ours, and they were also told not to tell anyone of their seating change. It turns out that almost everyone in our block had been moved if they'd asked, because the concert was being filmed for a DVD and they didn't want any gaps in the audience. I almost wanted to take back my sincere thanks to the desk girls, but because I'm a nice person, I didn't.

Like I said before, the concert was wicked. They opened with their current song, but most of it featured all the old tunes. We screamed like teeny-boppers, especially Wonder, because as sad as I am to announce this, at the age of 29.... this was her first ever concert. Yep. That's right. Her first. I don't know what she's been doing all these years. Actually I do, but I won't expose her. She kept saying to me beforehand that she thinks she might faint, and she didn't understand why I was saying that if she did she would be going alone to the first aid room. Why would you faint?? Why waste a ticket by fainting?? This isn't Michael Jackson we're talking about. Even then, when I saw him in concert, fainting wasn't an option! If I'd met him however, then that might be an altogether different story. Anyway...

Wonder kept screaming "I love you Donnie!! Donnie I love you!!" It was hilarious! I can't think of anything they didn't sing that they should have, and what was best of all was that Jordan sang his solo tune 'Give It To You'. I love it!!!!!!!!!! I wish they hadn't have changed the dance routine, but hey it was all good.

The only thing I didn't really understand was why there were kids there who probably weren't even born when NKOTB split up. You can't tell me that their mums knew really early on that they wouldn't find babysitters, so they bought them tickets instead. There was a little girl sitting in front of us, and she was bored out of her brains. She sat down for the most part of it, watching other people's reactions. She must have thought we were crazy. Donnie carried one young girl up on stage, and she was looking at him like she couldn't make out what he was, almost as though she was disgusted by what she was seeing. Waste!

Now I think this new wave of boyband/girlband reunions is a good thing (though no one has made it as lucrative as Take That have). It provides a nice trip down memory lane. My cousin Ursula went to the Spice Girls reunion concert a year ago (yep she's a lot younger than me) and she had a blast, so she knows the excitement I felt. Living in the past is where it's at!

Job Seeker

2009-01-21T21:56:00.004Z

Dear Anyone,

Today I felt extremely wound up at work, to the point that I think it was the cause of the headache I had toward the end of the day (which miraculously disappeared when I left the building). My colleagues were behaving a little childishly, and I felt like a teacher who had to make simple decisions and tell people off for silly things. My team leader was off today, so because I've been in charge of the shifts and workflow, they all tried to pass things on to me as if we didn't have a senior there. So annoying.

I really, really want a new job, and to be honest I'm a little scared that I won't find one due to this recession. Today's headlines were focussed on how the unemployment figure has risen, as well as the number of those on Jobseeker's Allowance. I DO NOT WANT TO GO BACK ON JOBSEEKERS ALLOWANCE EVER AGAIN. Therefore I won't be leaving this job before I find another, but if I don't find one soon I think I'll go mad. There shouldn't be so much unemployment if the vacancies we see advertised are real. I'm starting to believe that the job ads we see in newspapers, websites, etc, are devised by these publications to lure readers. They have to be. Why is it taking me so long? I've tweaked my CV as much as I can, and looked at so many different ways of writing a cover letter, and I've decided that these things are a matter of personal preference. There is no right way, there are just different ways.

But I know I have to go back to what I asked God to help me with: patience. I just have to be patient because apparently it's going to happen for me. Apparently. I have an application here for the position of Events Assistant for a charity (and surprise surprise I've applied for this one before) so I'm off to fill it out to the best of my ability, and just wait....

Yes We Can!

2009-01-20T20:20:00.000Z

Dear Anyone,

Today is an historic day (I don't understand why you have to put 'an' in front of 'historic' when 'historic' doesn't begin with a vowel or have a silent 'h'...anyway) in which Barack Obama is sworn in as the 44th, first African-American, handsomest, fittest, and most charismatic President of the United States of America.

Now I would like to appeal to any red-necks who may accidentally find themselves reading this: give Obama a chance please. Don't just look at the the colour of his skin, listen to what he has said, and if anything, challenge him to see if he delivers. Let him serve at least one term. He is half white after all. If you have to, only like his white side. Think about the fact that as a baby he was fed by a white woman's breast. Will that comfort you? I hope so.

I am so glad I was able to watch the inauguration live, because I didn't think it would be possible, since it was being shown from 4pm, and I don't finish work until 6pm. But luckily my team leader was able to get the security men in the building to switch the plasma TV to BBC1, and we (plus a quite a few others in our office) were able to watch the swearing in and speech live. I'm quite sure he memorised the whole thing, because he clearly wasn't looking at any sheet of paper, and obviously there was no tele-prompter. But it was a very positive and inspirational speech, and I pray to God that he is able to serve at least one term successfully, and implement all that he's planning. The hard work begins tomorrow...

Now repeat after me - YES WE CAN!

Home Alone

2009-01-17T00:39:00.002Z

Dear Anyone,

I'd just like to say that it is Friday night, and I have the house all to myself. Although it would be the perfect time to have someone round (if there was someone), I'm really enjoying the time alone. I've had a nice dinner, I'm playing loads of Scrabble games online, and watching nonsense on TV - it's great! The only thing missing is my duvet, but I can't be arsed to get to go and get it.

Just thought I'd keep you posted!

Ta-ra!

Time To Get Serious

2009-01-12T14:30:00.002Z

Dear Anyone,

Although I'm not one to make new year's resolutions, there are two things I have to get serious about this year: losing weight and driving.

I've recently discovered that my workplace might start holding Weight Watchers meetings at lunchtimes. That would be perfect for me, because I can't find any other time that would be convenient, and since work gets in the way of life, the least they could do is help me out! I've done Weight Watchers before, a few years ago, and I definitely think it's the best diet around. It's realistic and all about portion control really. You can eat whatever you want as long as you remain within your point allowance. It also helped me to see just how crap some foods are. For example, my point allowance was 22 points per day. Now when I go to McDonalds I would usually have a Big Mac meal or a Quarter Pounder meal. When I looked it up in the Weight watchers 'Eating Out' book, a Big Mac meal came up to a total of 21 and a half points! Just that alone would leave me with half a point for the rest of the day! And McDonalds would usually just be lunch - I would have already had breakfast and be planning what to have for dinner! That helped to put things into perspective. So I think it will be next week that we find out whether the meetings will go ahead at work, because people have to register their interest by this Friday, and permission will be granted if they can get 25 names. Fingers crossed! Plus I have a friend (Bumper) who works at a gym, so with him there I'd get free access - no excuse really.

With driving - I started my driving lessons back in 2003 with the AA (which back then was pretty expensive), but I had to stop when we moved to a different area. Then I was unemployed, soI couldn't afford to take it up again, and I guess I just procrastinated after that. But the thought of driving makes me quite nervous, and I never used to actually look forward to my lessons. I feel like there is far too much to concentrate on all at once, and I might be one of those nervous drivers who makes stupid mistakes. When my friends are driving and start effing and blinding at other drivers, unless it's a blatant stupid mistake, I try not to comment, because for all I know that might be me in the future! But I know it's something I have to do. I know London has a very good transport system, but I refuse to still be taking buses when I have children. I can not be one of those mums who struggle to fold up a pushchair in time for the bus's arrival, or be refused access on to the bus because there are already two pushchairs aboard. No thank you.

As it stands though, I'll have to wait until February to get things in motion, because January is the brokest month ever and I'm really feeling it. But I'm determined to see these things through.

Old School Gal

2009-01-08T23:30:00.004Z

Dear Anyone,

Most of my closest associates think that I don't appreciate any type of music if it isn't soca. That's so untrue though. Admittedly I love soca. I like music I can dance to, because I really enjoy dancing, I can't help it. But the main reason that it seems it's all about soca for me is that I just don't think current R&B and Hip-hop are as good as they were in the 80s and 90s.

These days when I download music to my iPod, it's the old school jams that excite me. The radio stations in Ghana played a lot of old tunes, and I found that I knew all the words to most of them - something I don't think I can say about songs now. I think part of it comes from my first year at University. I lived in student halls, and we didn't have a television, so it was all about music as entertainment. I don't think I've ever listened to so much music in my life! Back then the singles would be released on Monday and would cost 99p or £1.99 at Our Price (remember that??) so with a student loan in my account, they were easily affordable. Now of course it's all about downloading and what-not. I'm a very old school girl, I still have my cassettes and my VHS tapes and video recorder that I don't ever intend to throw away. But I digress...

I think all original beats have been used, so it's all about recycling. I'm sick of the silly dirty south songs, because they all sound the same. I'm not into concious or hardcore hip-hop or Neo-soul, maybe one or two random tunes, but generally they bore me. Sorry. My friends make fun of me saying that I wouldn't like certain songs because they're too slow, but when did I ever say I don't like slow jams? I do, just not all of them all the time.

I even find that I can relate to the lyrics of old school songs. Back when I liked Boy Wonder, I randomly heard Brandy's 'I Wanna Be Down' somewhere, and the realisation of what she was saying was like an epiphany! It was exactly what I wanted to say to him. I also related a song called 'It's The Falling In Love' on Michael Jackson's 'Off The Wall' album to.... someone else recently. Not literally off course, but the gist of it.

So I do appreciate other types of music, people. I'm just a bit bored of it nowadays, and I like to go back in time to the days when music was fun!

Winter Sun

2009-01-01T20:46:00.005Z

Dear Anyone,

Happy New Year!

I've been in Ghana since Christmas Day, and I have to say that I'm actually enjoying it this time. I don't usually have that much fun, because there isn't anyone for me to hang out with, since most of my cousins moved to England, but this time they all came for my dad's 60th birthday and retirement party. I came with my two brothers, my youngest brother's girlfriend and my nephew.

I've had the most tiring day today though. Today was the 'Visit Family' day, and it started very early, which is why I didn't see fit to go out last night. My brothers and cousin did though, and you should have seen them struggle through today! Very funny.

We had to leave home at about 7.45am to get to my dad's hometown for a church service. Along with their usual sermon, they were also having a thanksgiving section for him for his retirement, and I think he's quite important in his town. Three and a half hours! And it wasn't in English so I hardly had a clue what was going on. The worst part (or maybe I shouldn't say 'worst', more 'embarassing') was when they said they had the band there especially for my dad and his family, so we all had to get up and dance around the church while they played. I'm too shy for things like that! But it was nice of them I guess.

My brothers and I didn't stay for the whole service, because we had to go and see my mum's family, the most important being her eldest sister who is more like a grandma to us. She's not been very well since she had a stroke a few years ago. But seeing her again has made me decide that I'm not going to Ghana again until I have a boyfriend. The last time I saw her was when we went there three years ago, and she told me to hurry up and find someone, so that she can see my child before she's gone. That was three whole years ago, and I'm still not any closer to fulfilling her wish. Obviously I'm not rushing anything with anyone to make someone else happy, but I would love it it if she was still here to see my child. She asked me again, and I wanted to laugh, because the way she put it was as though she thought I have no interest in men, and that I am the one shying away from finding someone. I wish! But she hasn't been the only one asking, I'm getting it from all over - even my dad! That's how I know it's serious. But I'm glad my aunty has at least been able to meet my nephew Hurricane.

We also went to briefly visit my grandad (mum's dad), another of her sisters, and also to see the plot of land she's having her house built on. It's a long drive back to Accra, but thank goodness we're home now. I'm really tired.

I've been having fun though. We've been out to a few places, like a karaoke bar called Champs, which was funny (but we didn't participate of course), a club called Rhapsody in the new Accra Mall. The mall is impressive though. It looks very Westernised and seems to be the teenage hangout. It's got clothes shops, electrical shops, perfume shop, gift shops, a food court, and a cinema upstairs. We didn't actually go to the cinema so I don't know what was showing. Ghana's coming up! We also went swimming at La Palm Royal Beach Hotel (well I didn't swim, I watched) and we plan to go to a beach called Bojo Beach, which apparently is very nice. That might have to be on Sunday, because my brother and his girlfriend have planned a day together tomorrow, and my dad's party is on Saturday.

I've been like a mum for the holiday, because I'm the primary carer of Hurricane. My brother - his dad - has had to stay in my dad's other house due to space, so I share a room with him and it is hard work! But he LOVES it in Ghana - all the space to run about that he doesn't get in London.

And every other time we've been drinking! There is so much readily available alcohol in this house, it's hard not to! But you'll be pleased to know that I haven't been (really) drunk.... yet, and I certainly will not be touching a drop of alcohol until at least February, starting from the minute I step into London on 6 January. Promise.

A Birthday Prayer

2008-12-30T12:40:00.001Z

"Dear God,

Thank you for allowing me to make it to 31, when I know that many don't. Please let this be the year that everything falls into place for me, and I can be happy and stop complaining about things I should be grateful for. Please help me find the person I am meant to be happy with, the job I will be content doing, and make enough money to help my mum more and be comfortable.

Please help me to be patient with the things I want in life, and just enjoy life more.

Through your son Jesus Christ.

Amen."

I'm well in my thirties now...

Whatever Could Be Won't Be

2008-12-22T23:18:00.003Z

Dear Anyone,

I went on a date with Muscle last night, and it was a really nice evening. You're probably wondering how that came about, since I haven't really mentioned him recently, but we've been in contact a lot recently and we agreed to go out at some point before I travel on Christmas day. And because he knows a lot more places than I do, I left it to him to decide where to go.

When I spoke to him during the day he told me that his Plan A fell through, so he's working on Plan B which might be the theatre. All good with me! Then a couple of hours later when we spoke again, we arranged to meet in north London at 7pm. I was about four minutes late, he was about 40 minutes late. Tut tut *shakes head*. He looked hot though!! Black shirt, black trousers, black and white tie, black waistcoat, and a long black coat, it more than made up for my waiting, I tell ya. I felt underdressed! Unfortunately his plans for the theatre also didn't work out, so we did the classic dinner and a movie date. I've never done that before, so it was really nice. We ate at a Mexican restaurant, but because I had just come from a birthday lunch I wasn't able to eat much, so I only had a starter. We also has a jug of a really nice cocktail called 'Mexican Mai Tai' which I picked at random. The choice was so vast, so Muscle told me to pick a number between 1-45 (and I chose 25, one of my favourite numbers - I don't know why), and it was a good choice.

After eating we planned on finding a bar, but when we walked past the cinema we made an impromptu decision to see a film instead. We chose 'The Day The Earth Stood Still' - not at all my kind of movie, but please, a couple of hours in the dark with Muscle and you think you'll hear me complaining?? No sirree Bob. He's a very physically affectionate guy, and that's how we were throughout the film. It was nice. The film was a bit longer than we thought, so it was quite late when we came out of the cinema, and as a result by the time we got to Kings Cross, I'd missed my last tube home. But no problem - we live in London and you can get home from almost anywhere, so Muscle escorted me to the bus stop where I could catch a bus straight to Victoria. Because the bus came so quickly, there was only a departing hug and nothing more... well I was hoping that was why anyway...

I took a taxi home from Victoria, partly because I was tired and other part was because I was tired. The driver was really friendly and he asked where I was coming from, so I told him I had a date, and when I mentioned that I wasn't sure where it was going, we got into a conversation about how complex creatures men are, and nothing is really straight-forward for them. So with that in mind, when Muscle text me to ask if I was home yet, I replied and then asked him whether what he'd told me earlier in the year still stands, e.g, whether I should stop myself from liking him because it's going nowhere, or whether we are going to try this dating thing and see where it goes. I prayed SO hard while I was waiting for his response. But when it came and I read it, a small part of me was not in the least bit surprised, and a large chunk of me was extremely disheartened. He said that he is more or less in the same place as before, but he 'craves me physically' and is enjoying my company. Basically he is attracted to me, but only really wants to have sex with me. What a bloody surprise.

Today I'm feeling quite.........shit, really. I feel like nothing is going right for me. Part of it is to do with Bravo The Fraud and the MTV job, but obviously most of it is to do with Muscle. It's not right to go for someone who doesn't tick your boxes, and yet when you do find that person, they still don't want you. Why am I considered such a cool, down-to-earth chick, but not good enough to be a girlfriend? Why is it just the physical guys see? How come other people can just wake up, trip on their slippers and just fall into a relationship, while I try and try and get nowhere. I'm so sick of it all. I might as well put up with Undeserving Tod, who I haven't seen for over a month, and not spoken to for over a week. I actually burst into tears when I was in my room earlier, and I don't know where it even came from. I'm just fed up of being unhappy, and I feel like when I try to help myself I end up back at square one. What am I supposed to do???! Positive thinking and visualising the things you want is all bullshit. You're just setting yourself up for a fall. Well I know I am. But I'm not going to go into it, because you've heard it all from me before. Maybe it's a good thing I'm travelling on Thursday, but then again it won't make a blind bit of difference, because I'm still coming back to nothing.

My Wish List

2008-12-18T17:04:00.005Z

Dear Anyone,

Just in case you are absolutely dumbfounded as to what to get me for my birthday, which is in 12 days time by the way, let me be of assistance to you:

A black coat - if you're feeling flush and extremely generous

Michael Jackson's HIStory album on CD - I only have it on cassette (yeah I'm old school - what??)

A navel ring - I've just celebrated eight years of the most rebellious thing I've ever done, but the one I'm currently wearing is falling apart. I think it serves me right for getting them from Argos every time.

Thin hair straighteners - they don't have to be GHDs, but small enough to catch the back mid-section of my hair, since you know it's short, and this weekend I plan on making it shorter (hopefully)

Going out top - size 16 so The Twins can fit in snugly (I'm seriously lacking in nice tops to wear with jeans)

And last, but certainly not least (just almost impossible):

A sexy, good looking, intelligent, funny, romantic, generous, hard-bodied man, between the ages of 31-34 preferably, with no kids, living in London - I know one who practically fits that description, but in case it doesn't go my way, a back-up will do nicely.

Of course anything I receive will be 100% fully appreciated. Consider me a blank slate, I hardly have anything.

Thank you in advance for your generosity.*

*This post has been written in jest. I don't really expect presents, but I won't lie, it is nice to receive them. Although I won't be in the country for my actual birthday, belated present are absolutely welcome.

And Then There Were Two

2008-12-16T22:35:00.011Z

Dear Anyone,

This past weekend was the Cousins Weekend that Wonder, Ursula and I had been looking forward to for a couple of weeks. The plan was to stay at Wonder's place from Friday to Sunday, chill, eat, drink, and go partying. It didn't quite work out a well as we'd hoped, and now Ursula and I have kinda fallen out with Wonder.

Friday night was cool, we went out to a bar/club like we'd planned, and although it wasn't the kind of place I'd ever suggest going, we were able to make our own fun, and I got very tipsy. You'd need to in that place really.

On Saturday now, although we didn't have definite plans of what we would do that day, we knew that it would involve cooking, maybe playing games, watching TV - whatever really. But that morning, at about 11am maybe, Wonder's boyfriend called her and said he was around the corner. So she - quick as a flash - went to get showered and dressed. Naturally I thought she got changed because he was coming round. There's nothing wrong with that, obviously she wanted to look nice for her man, fair enough. Then he came round about 20 minutes later, and she was looking for her scarf and asking me if she could borrow my gloves, so it was obvious by now that they were going somewhere. All she told us was that they were going to West Green Road (wherever the hell that is). She didn't say what for or how long they would be, she just wanted Ursula and I to keep a look out for the tow truck, just in case they came to take his car away (since he didn't have a parking permit on it).

They were gone for the WHOLE day. She didn't get back till about 6pm. Ursula and I had to keep ourselves occupied by watching nothing on TV (Saturday day-time television is rubbish). We clearly couldn't go out, because Wonder had taken the house keys with her. We phoned her a couple of times to find out where she was, and asked her to pick up a couple of things (like ingredients and a Scrabble board game - something to do!) and each time she was being really coy. When she came back she was being really blase about it, and tried to make it seem like she had gone out of HER way to buy US the scrabble game, which she didn't even pay for. I was telling her that it was rude of her to just go out and leave us there all day and Ursula was telling her - partly in jest - that she had to earn her way back into the circle of trust. We don't really have a circle of trust, she was just being silly. But Wonder's attitude was that of: "Well we had something important to do, and anyway I wouldn't care if I was at your house and you went out with your boyfriend, so why should you?" I didn't want it to become a big thing, but I couldn't feel 100% settled and joke around with her, because I didn't like the behaviour I was seeing. She went on to show us the new dress the boyfriend had bought her, and that just pissed me off a bit more.

That evening we tried to go clubbing, but because we took her word for it that nowhere would be open till very late, we didn't leave until 1.30am, and surprise surprise, everywhere we went was either completely empty, or had stopped admitting people, so we went back to hers. Then the topic of what had happened that day came up again, and she developed an attitude that really really pissed us off, saying that we'd been making snide comments to her all evening, but she's not listening to what we say or going to say anything else otherwise she's going to get really angry. Then she finished her tea, covered herself with her duvet and tried to go to sleep. What the hell would she have to be angry with us about??? She basically wasted our day by running to her boyfriend's beck-and-call, and yet she's getting angry with us? She's having a laugh. Ursula and I retired to bed also, and decided that we'd leave in the morning, because it just wasn't worth the hassle.

Wonder didn't say a word to us on Sunday morning. She was just tidying up her flat, throwing things in the room and banging pots and plates in the kitchen. It was actually hilarious. The pettiest display of all was when I received a text from her asking for my bank details (I lent her some money months ago). Let's bear in mind that she was in the sitting room and we were in the bedroom. We hadn't even discussed money that weekend, it was never an issue, so I guess that was her way of having no more to do with me. Absolutely fine. I'm broke right now and about to travel, so the money will be very handy.

Am I being dramatic or not? My issue is that she refuses to even try and see it from our point of view and was just being dismissive. We've come to your house for the weekend, but you choose to go off with your boyfriend instead. Why did we bother wasting time travelling all the way there then? I could have saved money and stayed at home, or made better use of my time. I just think it's rude, and one of my pet peeves is people who are unnecessarily rude. I can't stand it.

We haven't spoken since and I don't really care. I might do later, but not right now. If that's how you treat people who are always there for you, help you when you need it and try to cheer you up when you're down, then good luck to you. I hope you and your boyfriend live happily ever after.

Might I Have Me A Jobby Job???

2008-12-09T19:19:00.005Z

Dear Anyone,

I think I am possibly being taken for a ride, and I don't appreciate it.

Basically, my cousin Diggy knows a guy called Bravo who says he works for MTV Base as an Event Manager, and he told her this when she bumped into him at a restaurant a couple of months ago. Being the person she is she started talking me up, telling him that I am looking for work in that field and what I've done in the past, etc, so he told her to tell me to call him. Every time I tried I got no answer - either the phone would ring and go to voicemail, or it would just go straight to voicemail, so I left a couple of messages, but I never heard back from him.

Then two Thursdays ago Diggy called me while I was at work and told me she had just spoken to Bravo, and that I should call him in exactly five minutes time, so I did and he finally answered. He literally gave me a mini phone interview, asking about what experience I have had in event management, what goes into putting on a successful event, and so on. I always remember that in a job interview, it's as much about you wanting them as it is them wanting you, so you must always ask questions He told me that as well as working for MTV, he also organises member events for Fitness First gyms, so as a way for him to test me he wants me to put on a members event at one of the gyms in south London on 17 December, and if it is successful then a job with MTV is mine. Of course the thought of it scared the hell out of me, especially since he said he wants me to organise it alone to see how I do. The thing that scares me is the idea of telling people that I'm good at something, and then not living up to it. I'm not good at bragging about myself, but I'm working on it. Anyway, we arranged to meet that coming Sunday at 4pm to discuss it further, and he asked me to bring my CV and examples of work I have done. Not a problem.

I got to the meeting place (which was a Fitness First near where I live) at exactly 4pm, and when I told the people at the reception who I was there to see, they didn't know who I was talking about, but it was fine because I figured he was still on his way. I'm standing there... waiting... and waiting, and 4.30pm comes, so I decided to call him to find out where he is, and if he even remembers that we're meeting, and he answers and says he's on his way, but there's traffic. Common courtesy should have told him to let me know that sooner.

He got there at about 4.40pm, and I was hoping I my face didn't show how unimpressed I was. We went up to a meeting room that one of the receptionists showed us to, and I was really hoping it wouldn't be long, because I was tired. Wrong attitude to have, I know, but I hadn't yet slept since arriving from Paris that day! Anyway, Bravo had a look at my CV and he seemed pretty impressed with that and my portfolio that contains predominantly journalistic work. He even knew a couple of my previous employers (both charlatans in their own way - that should have been a sign!). He also asked me if I speak any other languages, because it comes in very handy for that role. Apparently he can speak six languages, and is currently learning his 7th. Strangely enough, French and Spanish are not included in his skills. Then he told me about the position on offer; I would be based in Camden, sometimes working at the Oxford St office, the hours would be 8am-6pm, but some times I would finish earlier or later depending on the amount of work to be done. The starting salary was good, and would go up by £2k after a six month probation period. The contract would initially be for two years. I would have to make sure that I'm very flexible time-wise, as very often staff are required to travel abroad at the drop of a hat. His example was that he could call me and tell me to be at the airport within two hours to fly to Japan, where I could be staying for as long as four months. His team recently had to travel to New York to help with an album launch party for Keyshia Cole. They also had to work hard on the MTV Europe Awards in Liverpool last month. You can imagine how I was trying to contain my excitement while sitting there. This was the type of stuff I had written in the ideal job exercise that Muscle told me to do. All I had to do was organise an event for Fitness First, which would be overlooked by Bravo and his Line Manager, and if they were impressed, the job was mine. We agreed that he would call me on Wednesday for us to meet on either Thursday or Friday, so that he could give me all the contacts and details I'd need.

Wednesday came and I sent him a text in the afternoon asking if we could meet on Thursday and not Friday, because I already had plans. Surprise surprise I didn't get a response, but it was cool ,because the day wasn't over yet. By 9pm I still hadn't heard from him, so I called him and he sounded like I'd woken him up or something.

Me: Hi, did you get my text this afternoon?
Him: Er... your text? Yeah, yeah I got it.
Me: So..... is tomorrow ok to meet then?
Him: Tomorrow? Yeah yeah, tomorrow's fine...
Me: Well I finish work at 6pm, so I can meet you at the gym for 7pm?
Him: Yeah that's cool, I should have left the office by then, so 7pm is fine.
Me: Ok, so, I'll see you tomorrow at 7pm at the gym then, yes?
Him: Yep ok, see you then.

That annoyed me a bit, but I let it go.

Thursday comes and I get to the area a little early, so I decide to kill time by window shopping. At 6.30pm my phone rings and it's Bravo.

Him: Hi, yeah, I'm really sorry but I'm not going to be able to make it. I'm still stuck at the office with loads of paperwork to do.

Me: Ok.................. Well my next available time is Monday. I have the day off work, but I have a hospital appointment in the morning.

Him: Ok that's fine. Give me a call when you're finished with your appointment, and we'll definitely meet then.

Me: Ok fine, I will. Speak to you then.

It was now starting to seem like a joke, and all I was thinking was that the 17th is not that far away.

So Monday comes, and in the morning I had to go to the hospital to have a cyst removed from my eyelid. Longish story, but basically the doctor injected my eyelid, turned it inside out, cut it a little and squeezed/scraped out whatever was inside. So for the rest of the day I had to walk around with one eye bandaged up - even when I went with Roxy to see RG off at the airport (she's gone to work in the U.S again). When I got home I called Bravo as I said I would, and he told me he would meet me at 6pm, because he'd be leaving the office at 5pm, so that was fine with me. I was able to rest for a short while before leaving home. I got to the gym at exactly 7pm, and told the guy at the reception who I had come to see, and this time round he knew who I was talking about, so I sat and waited. And waited. And waited. And I did a little bit of waiting in the meantime. Then waited afterwards. The guys who worked there were making me laugh by poking fun at my patched up eye, so that made it a slightly less boring wait. When 7.10pm came I was pissed off, so I decided to leave, but I sent him a text beforehand:

"Bravo I've been waiting an hour and I'm going to have to go now. I really really want this opportunity with MTV and I'm 100% willing to work for it, but the time span until the 17th is short and I wouldn't want to do an event that could turn out crap due to limited time, and spoil my chances. Would it be possible to leave it till the new year?"

Still waiting.........

Have I been had?

One Night In Paris (the city not the airhead)

2008-12-01T14:58:00.011Z

Dear Anyone,

I went to Paris for the first time this weekend, and it was fun! I went with five of the girls who went to Cannes in April, and it was supposed to be a reunion of sorts, but four others couldn't make it.

It was the idea of Bibs, one of our friends who is also SP's cousin. She suggested the idea of travelling to Paris by Eurostar on a Saturday afternoon, finding somewhere to eat and have a few drinks, finding somewhere to change into our glad rags, then go clubbing through the night and catch an early train back on the Sunday morning. It sounds crazy, which is why we HAD to try it. Bibs said she'd done it before with a group of friends, and although they were very tired, they'd had so much fun.

It worked out even better for us though, because Bibs has a friend, Bambi (who some of us also know) who just happens to be staying in Paris for work purposes, and who was sweet enough to allow us to base ourselves at her apartment for the night. It worked out perfectly!

The journey on the Eurostar was quite alright actually. It's strange going through the same procedures at a train station that you would at an airport, I'm just used to swiping my Oyster card and going on my way. Also, knowing that you're going by train makes it very easy to forget that you'll need your passport! Don't worry, no one did though.

Of course there had to be one mishap, and of course the mishap would have to have happened to Muggins here. So, being the nice and thoughtful friends that we are, SP and I decided that we would each bring a bottle of 'water' to share with the girls on the journey there. We consumed SP's bottle first, and I was going to leave it to kick into our systems for a while ( you know how 'water' does) before I opened my bottle. Then I heard a text alert on my phone, so I reached down for my bag and I could see (and feel - because my shoes were off) that the floor was wet. It was as if I knew straight away what had happened, because it's happened to me so many times before (you remember what happened in Barbados as a result of lack of sleep right?). When I put my hand in my bag, the first thing I touched was the upside down plastic bottle, which, when I pulled it out, was absolutely completely empty, as if someone had sucked it dry to rid any evidence of a beverage. I just kept saying "Oh my gosh" over and over again, while looking at SP. Then I thought "Oh please God no!" when I realised that my mum's camera was also in the bag, and as far as I knew it was in it's plastic. As Sod's Law would have it, somehow the camera had managed to escape the little plastic bag, so that it didn't have to miss out on the drinking. It was more drunk than any of us had been for the whole duration of the trip. Bastard thing. All I thought was that my mum was going to skin me, so I decided instantly that when we arrive back in London the next day, I would head straight to the shop to buy her another one. And that's exactly what I did.

As for my dress - ha! Imagine you have just hand-washed a garment, but you haven't wrung it out yet. That was it. I had to hang it up on the seat in front of me, and no matter how many times I tried to squeeze the liquid out, it still dripped on my knee for the rest of the journey.

When we arrived in Paris we couldn't head straight to Bambi's place, because she was still out for the day, so we headed to a little bar/cafe type place to keep warm. Paris is very much like London - if I had gotten a grade higher than a 'C' for French I think I'd be able to live there. I'm very much a city person, you see. Beaches for holidays though. Anyway, we stayed in the cafe and toasted Paris with 2 bottles of wine, before taking the taxis to Bambi's apartment.

Now she's staying in a perfect little studio apartment, in a very good and central location..... that is when you eventually make it up to the apartment. By that I mean the steps. The staircase is serious! She lives right at the top, the very last apartment, and to get up there you have no choice but to walk, because there is nothing even resembling a lift to get you up. We should have guessed by the congregation of buggies at the foot of the staircase. I am not even joking when I tell you that today my thighs are aching, and I know it's down to us having to climb those stairs more than once. Yes I am unfit, thank you, I've never denied it. We were huffing and puffing like we'd just been chased by lions! Bambi was laughing at us. Thankfully her place was very warm, so we were able to chill for a while, with wine and munchies, while my dress hung and dried on the radiator. It felt like it had overdosed on starch, but I didn't care because it was dry!

It was a good night, even though a little expensive. We went to eat at a restaurant called Buddha Bar, which was nice, but overrated and pricey for what it was. Then we moved on to a club called Duplex. When we pulled up in the cabs, the queue was absolutely ridiculous! Long and thick. But Bibs and SP went to the front, and in their best French they told the doorman that we have come all the way from London, and we are seven sexy women wanting to party tonight - and he let us straight in! It was great because the weather was cold and wet. We had to wait till 2am for the R&B room to open, otherwise it would have been pounding house music for the whole night, and that would not have been cool with me, so in the meantime we used our free drink tokens to keep ourselves occupied. The music in the R&B room was alright actually - random - but alright. We made the most of it, and had plenty of laughs people watching. One guy came and sat by us, and he was so out of his head pissy-drunk that even when the bouncers came to shake him awake, we were sure he was dead! Another guy was dancing near us, and the booty-shaking he was displaying would make Beyonce go and re-evaluate her purpose in life. It was all very funny.

We left at about 5am and went back to Bambi's to start getting our things together. I think I managed to get about 20 mins sleep, before our taxis came to take us to the station, but it was 20 mins more than I thought I'd be getting. We were able to get some breakfast at a cafe near the train station before catching our train, so that gave way for quite a nice nap on the journey back.

I'm so glad I've been able to take such a crazy-sounding trip with a group of girls who get on so well, and I really thank Bambi for making it so much easier for us. Now I'd love to return to Paris if someone wants to take me. Any offers?

Bore Off...

2008-11-26T12:48:00.006Z

Dear Anyone,

I'm bored. I don't just mean right at this minute, I mean generally in life. Really I shouldn't be, because I do have a few things coming up. Like for instance, I'm going to Paris for one night this Saturday with the girlies who I went to Cannes with in April. It's sort of a reunion and it's going to be crazy, but overall it'll definitely be fun.

And I've got a fun-filled Cousins Weekend two weeks afterwards, at Wonder's house. Drinking, partying, drinking, eating, drinking, playing games, drinking, chatting, drinking and gossiping. We might also have a couple of drinks at some point.

And I'm going away at Christmas for my dad's 60th birthday/retirement party. I'm hoping that would be fun, but since the cousins that were supposed to come are no longer coming, and none of my friends will be there - who knows? I know what I'm talking about, I've spent many a boring Christmas at my dad's.

But then what after that? I'm kind of bored in advance of life (if that makes sense!). I'm not going to harp on about it, just thought I'd mention it. That's all.

Kick Up The Bum

2008-11-17T14:16:00.007Z

Dear Anyone,

One of my friends on Facebook posed a question in his status, asking why people put up with disrespect in the name of love. One of his friends responded with a long but very interesting view, which is basically common sense and nothing new, but at this time I feel that it's something I need to hear...

"Love can be crazy like that! It doesn't see your short comings! That’s why leaving an abusive relationship can be painful - your common sense tells you "you're stupid to stay!", while your heart tells you "don’t give up!"

(The best thing to do is to) reveal to the disrespectful person that they are being very disrespectful to you, and that it hurts, and if they don’t care, and are not willing to make changes for the better....accept that they don’t love you, separate from them, and deal with the pain! It will only make you stronger and wiser and less of a mug!

A lack of self worth can come from being treated wrongly in the past, e.g. from parents, teachers, anyone who plays an important role in your life, or who you looked up to as a child. You grow up thinking this is the norm, unless someone sheds some light on things.

Trying to change someone else is a fools game! You cannot change anyone. People change if THEY really want to. You might have some temporary success in it, but you end up pushing away the one you're trying to change.

Love does not hurt, and can not, because its not an emotion. But we FEEL we can identify love through such things as affection, giving, spending time together....all good. Love is the total opposite to selfishness - it is selfless... The things that stem from LOVE are: Peace, Joy, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, Self-Control....and many more things we can name that are good, can come under these.

The perfect demonstration of LOVE is JESUS. He came, suffered and died for you and I, so that we could receive eternal life and be with Him for eternity in Heaven. Now if you could really understand how extreme that is, to be so selfless, and pay the price for people who hate you, who whip you with a whip that rips the skin off your bones, and then to be spat at, punched, cursed and then to be nailed to a cross, and had done nothing wrong....but still willing to go through with it, because of knowing that He would gain YOU! Now that’s LOVE my friend, and it didn’t feel good, it hurt! To this day I know nobody who's willing to do that for me!

Why would I reject such a LOVE? I can’t!"

So simple, yet it's a kick I think I need...

Play Your Silly Games

2008-11-13T14:17:00.006Z

Dear Anyone,

Things haven't been going too well with Tod recently, and I'm starting to get a little tired of it to be honest.

A couple of weeks ago my friend Shar informed me of rumours she had been told, involving Tod and other girls, so naturally I asked him about it. I didn't do it in any sort of accusing manner, I merely said to him that this is what I've heard, it's upset me and I want just want to know if it is true or not. Not surprisingly he flipped, and stuttered his way through his denial, saying that he's tired of people making things up about him, and that if it was true he would admit it to me and apologise.

For some strange reason he seems to think that Shar is the one responsible for the rumours, even though he knows who it was that had told her. For the rest of the day it was drama, phone calls and arguments between him (and his friend who has nothing to do with it), the person who the story came from and Shar. To be honest I have never seen him deny something so vehemently as he did that day, and has been since. Normally he'd try to brush it off, which would let me know he's lying, but the fact that he was making calls all over the place, and appearing to be extremely angry makes me think that maybe it was a lie. But he can't be surprised - sometimes your reputation precedes you, and sometimes it will follow you forever.

Now he's behaving like it's his time of the month - sulking, being distant, acting like he doesn't care about anything, and generally being miserable. Any time I ask what's wrong, he just says "Nothing" or "I dunno, I dunno." All he has said is that he now feels skeptical about things, because people keep telling lies about him, and he knows that things feel a bit different with us now, but he's trying to get it back to how it was. I can kind of see what he's doing though; he's almost trying to turn it around on me, and make me feel guilty for asking him about it. Sorry but that will not be happening here. I can understand if he is annoyed with me, because it may look like I don't trust him, but in all honesty I don't 100%. I can't help it, that's just how I feel. I definitely trust him more than I did in the beginning last year, but not whole-heartedly, and I think most of it is to do with the whole secrecy of us seeing each other. Not to say that I want to go blurting out details of my private life to all and sundry, but if people know, then they know. It's not a big deal to me. As I said to him - people will always talk, that's human nature, but they will get bored of the current subject and move on to the next.

I also get the impression that he is afraid of his feelings. Maybe he was liking me too much, so he's pulling away. I know that he (of all people!) is afraid of getting hurt, mostly because his ex-girlfriend left him for his friend, and he's not really able to get over that. There's always one that messes it up for everyone else! But it's still no excuse. I don't care anyway. Actually that's a lie, I do care, but I'm just not going to bother myself anymore. Any serious guy would rather try to re-assure me that I have nothing to worry about, and make sure that everything is ok between us. So this case leads me back to the title of the good book - He's Just Not That Into You...

Muscle Bound?

2008-10-28T22:06:00.009Z

Dear Anyone,

I had a surprising conversation with Muscle last night, and there's one part that I don't know what to make of.

While in the middle of getting a lecture from my mum about what I'm doing with my life, I decided to browse Facebook on my phone (so she would think I wasn't interested in what she was saying. Childish? Maybe... so sue me) and noticed that I had a message in my inbox from Muscle. He entitled it "Yes I'm being cheeky but..." and proceeded to tell me that while on his way home from a friend's house, he was in my area and was extremely tempted to call me and ask whether he could come and stay the night, because it was cold, he was very far from home, and public transport wasn't working properly. He ended the message with " Yes... maybe even a step beyond cheeky..."

I was so surprised, and I could tell that it wasn't a joke. In theory it's a VERY nice idea, in practice it just would not work at all. It really wouldn't be fair on me, because he broke it off with me, so that would just suggest that he'd want me to become a friend with 'benefits'. Uh-uh. None of that, thank you very much. He's the kind of guy I would want to be with in the long-term, so if there's no chance of that, then we will remain good friends and nothing more.

However, we did have a very good phone conversation not long afterwards. During the email exchanges (which contained flirting - on his part of course) he gave me his new mobile phone number and said that I could call him if I was still feeling 'spritely,' so I did. He asked me how the conversation with my mum had gone, and I told him that I kind of understood what she was saying, but it was also getting on my nerves, because I wasn't in the mood for it or expecting it at all. Then we got to what exactly it is I want to do career-wise, and I told him about all my media efforts in the past, and how I'm fed up with application rejections, but that I really need to leave my current work place. He suggested I start at the very beginning and make three separate lists; what I have learned in my jobs so far, what I am good at, and what I enjoy. From my final answer I should be able to decide exactly what type of career I want. He's good isn't he?!

We spoke for about an hour, and it was really nice. He's very intelligent and a good conversationalist. When I told RG about it today, she said it sounds like I still like him. Well I am still attracted to him, mostly because he's the one who ended it, so it's not as though I went off him. When someone is as sexy as that, it's not easy! But I don't sit there pining and wishing I was still with him, because that would be a complete waste of time. No one knows what will happen in the future, so as with everything in life, we just wait and see...

Worth Waiting For?

2008-10-27T14:17:00.009Z

Dear Anyone,

Yesterday RG and I had a discussion about 'The One'. Now she, being the ultimate romanticist, believes that he is out there, and that you should be patient and wait for things to happen, because they will, as it is written in your destiny from the day you are born. I, on the other hand, don't share the same views exactly. Call me pessimistic if you like, but I see it more as 'realistic.'

I definitely believe that there is someone for everyone. Actually I believe there are three perfect people for every person. But to me, a big chunk of my disbelief is due to my age. RG is five years younger than me, so in a way she still has quite a bit of time to meet The One, and be with him for a few years before getting married and starting a family. I am nearly 31 and I am starting to believe less and less that I'm going to find 'Him'. I might end up settling for someone who feels strongly for me, but whose feelings I can't fully reciprocate.

When I told her this, she reeled off a list of couples we know of, who consider each other to be The One. The problem for me is that they all met each other at young ages. One couple have been married for two years, but the girl is RG's age - so that doesn't count. Another couple are the same age as me and about to have their first child. "That's not so bad," you might say, but they've been together since they were about 16, so that doesn't count. Another couple were married last year. They are slightly older than me, but again they have been together for over 10 years - so they don't count either. What do they all have in common? Answer: a head start.

Until my experience of Boy Wonder (or lack thereof) and also dating Muscle, I used to believe that I could find someone who ticked at least 90% of my boxes. I considered those two to have ticked that amount. But obviously it didn't work out with either of them, so now I'm thinking that for the sake of my biological clock, I should just work with what I'm given. I don't want to be 38, 40 or 45 before I have my first child. I didn't even want to be 30 before becoming a mother, but... well... what choice do I have now?

I know what a good catch I am, and what a great girlfriend I would make, but what is the point of walking around thinking this if you don't get a proper chance to prove it? I could recite 'I'm great, I'm hot, I'm fab' in the mirror as many times a day as I'd like, but really they're just words. How can it proven?

This all sounds really sad, I know, but I guess I'm just losing faith. I haven't completely lost it all, but it is waning. RG asked whether I believe that by hanging around successful people, it could rub off on you to also become a success. I believe that with everything else but relationships. One thing I hate is being the only single person around couples. I find it extremely uncomfortable and quite depressing, so the last thing I am going to do is purposely hang around all my paired-up friends, thinking that this will help The One spot me in the crowd. I think SP already knows this about me, because I always ask who else will be there if she invites me somewhere with her and Joseph.

I will do my best to get out of the 'realistic' way of thinking, and embrace the 'optimistic' one, but I won't lie - that will take plenty of time...

These Are My Confessions...

2008-10-06T17:35:00.008+01:00

Dear Anyone,

Before I begin, may I please ask that you don't judge me or tut or roll your eyes while you read? I'm a grown woman, therefore I won't spout all that spiel about knowing what I'm doing etc, because I hardly ever know what I'm doing - ha ha!!

So... for the past three months or so, I have been seeing/occasionally spending time with someone who maybe I should, because we get on so well, or maybe I shouldn't because I don't know how serious he is, and you all know how serious I am. He's been mentioned before. You may remember him as........ Undeserving... but let's now call him Tod.

Okay okay, yes I know, he's got three kids with three women, physically he's not my type at all, he's just over a year younger than me, if my dad knew he worked on public transport by day, he would probably have me stoned, and I don't even know if he could relate to my friends, but I do like him for some reason, and he has been very consistent recently.

In June/July he kind of expressed that he really likes me, when he called me one day and told me in a very complicated way (typical of him) that I’d been on his mind for the whole day. He was at a barbeque at his Mum’s house when he called, so that alone made me think ‘Wow - he’s among his family and friends and he’s thinking of me.’ Since then we’ve spoken literally every day, often multiple times a day, and it’s nice because it hasn’t been about any game playing with the usual ‘I called him/her last, so he/she should call me next’ nonsense.

When I was going to Barbados, I was with him the night before, and then he texted me after a couple of days saying ‘I thought you said you were gonna call’. Before leaving, he had mentioned a couple of times that I should call him if I can while I’m away, but I didn’t think he was serious, so I just humoured him by saying I would. I was able to call him quickly, and he told me he missed me, which felt nice. He does say that every so often, but again, I don’t really take him that seriously all the time, because of the jokey nature of our friendship. It’s always easier to take something as a joke if I’m not sure, for fear of making an idiot of myself.

He went to New York at the end of August, for two weeks, and the day he came back he asked me to go and see him, as tired as he was. He’d also brought back a gift for me (two Victoria Secret body sprays), and that was the first time he’s done that, considering he travels quite often. I am still waiting for my 30th birthday present though, and considering there are only 3 months left till my next birthday, I’d say he better get his skates on! (Yes I know that you and I both know that won’t be happening).

Being a DJ he travels up and down the country to play, and most of the time he'll call while on his journey with friends, just to say where he is, or play me a new mix he has done that they'd be listening to. If I’m at his place and he has friends round, he is still affectionate towards me, and sometimes I am a bit hesitant, because a) I am shy, and b) I don’t know what he’s told them about me. I could be the girl for that particular day of the week, and with them being male/his friends, they won't tell me anything I need to know - they're all probably doing the same thing!

The problem is that the trust isn’t 100% there, because of the way he was with me last year, the fact that he's a DJ, and the fact that he has to have a close relationship with his children’s mothers. I am especially suspicious of the mother of his youngest child. I think she still considers him to be her man, and she might well have reason to, because I don’t know what he tells her. Why am I so afraid to ask guys what the deal is between us?! That is my biggest issue when it comes to me and men! I always put off asking crucial questions, and yet others don't seem to have that problem. Why???

So that’s it really. On one hand I think I know I’m wasting time with someone I won’t end up marrying, therefore I am always on the look-out. But on the other hand, my cousins keep telling me to always stop being so cautious because you never know what could be.

New Kids On The Blog

2008-09-19T13:16:00.002+01:00

Dear Anyone,

I'm going to see New Kids On The Block in concert in January! I can't believe it! I've only waited so long for this! My friend Roxy booked the tickets for four of us today, as soon as they were put on sale, so we're going, we're going, WE'RE GOING!

I don't think you understand the love I had for this boyband when I was 12. I LOVED them. My love for them was only a very very close second to Michael Jackson (and yes, you can say what you like about MJ - he was the BEST). I had all the posters on the wall and everything. My every last penny was spent on buying any magazine they were featured in. I even made my dad sit at home and record one of their concerts when it was shown on satellite TV, because I had been out shopping with my mum, and I wouldn't have been home in time. I LOVED them.

My favourite 'kid' was Jordan. I couldn't believe that someone so beautiful could exist in real life. I thought he was perfect - even though he wore braces for quite a long time. I'm not too fond of those. I had a life-size poster of him on the wall above my headboard...and yes... maybe I kissed it a couple of times, or shall I say... he kissed me... I also used to tell myself that seven years wasn't a big age gap between us. I didn't see why a 19 year old wouldn't go out with a 12 year old. Obviously I now know that had he come anywhere near me (in that way) at that age, my parents would have had him hung, drawn and quartered.

I remember there was a girl in my year at school, who loved the group (and Jordan) just as much as I did. On her birthday her mum gave her a card in the morning, but told her not to open it until she arrived at school. When she opened it, two New Kids On The Block concert tickets fell out. She spent the whole day being smug and telling anyone who'd listen about her birthday present from her mum. I was so jealous, and I had all these visions of her meeting Jordan, and him fancying her and wanting her to be his girlfriend. Well look at me now 'R'! It's my turn! OK so it might have taken 18 years, but better late than never love!

So if you happen to bump into me on 24 January, and I'm wearing ripped stone-washed jeans, a baggy white t-shirt with neon print, and buttons, badges and pins all over my attire - you can "call it what you want, but I'll call it love!"

Jobby-Job Reject

2008-08-29T20:35:00.007+01:00

Dear Wonderful,

Thank you for coming in for an interview for the position of Event Assistant.

Our candidates for second interview had a better understanding of our awards than you were able to display in your interview and for this reason I regret to inform you that on this occasion you have not been successful in your application for the role.

I would like to thank you for your interest in working at Emap Inform and I wish you well with your future plans and career.

Whatever...

I Need Me A Jobby-Job V

2008-08-26T20:33:00.004+01:00

So... I had my job interview as an Events Assistant today, and I'm not sure how I think it went.

I was interviewed by two women, which I thought would be a little intimidating, but fortunately it wasn't. I was on time. I was smart, but fashionably dressed. I was polite, maintained eye-contact as often as possible, didn't slouch, and was as friendly as I could be.

I thought it was all going well until they decided to give me a test. Now I'm not very good with tests, unless they're spelling tests, and as my luck would have it, this test consisted of 33 percent Microsoft Word, and 66.6 percent Excel. I hate Excel. I am absolutely no good at Excel - especially the formulas. I got an 'E' for Maths GCSE (twice!) - Mathematics is not my forte. What they wanted me to do was compose a letter in Word, informing a nominee that they are up for an award, and asking for images to be used on the night. Piece o' piss. Then I had to transfer booking information onto an Excel spreadsheet. Not too bad. Then - I had to use Excel to work out how many tables had been sold, how many more were to be sold and at which price in order to reach the sales target. To be extremely honest with you, I did my calculations using the laptop's calculator, and wrote down my answers. It was the best thing I could do to show that I tried, otherwise I would have just sat there staring at the woman's face when she walked back in the room (the other woman had another meeting to attend halfway through). I told her that I did my best, and she said 'Oh don't worry too much about it, it's fine, we have very good Excel training here.' False sense of security methinks...

The whole session lasted about an hour in total, and I came out feeling... I don't know how I felt actually. It was good in some parts, and not so good in others, so I guess all I can do is wait. Apparently I will hear from them by Friday, so fingers crossed...

Carnival Queen

2008-08-25T23:29:00.004+01:00

Today was an absolutely great day. SP and I participated in the Notting Hill Carnival, in full costume and all. It was so good, and I have to say that we looked spectacular.

This is the third time we've taken part, but this year our costumes have been the most elaborate we've had. The title of the costumes was 'Bird of Paradise,' and that's exactly what we looked like! And it was the first (and possibly only) time that I have been brave enough to do the bra and shorts thing. The only way to take my mind of my lack of clothing was to indulge in plenty of free alcohol. And I mean plenty. SP brought a bottle of Malibu that she’d received as a birthday gift, I bought the orange juice, and we mixed the two into an empty litre plastic bottle. Within an hour we had no care in the world. There were also free drinks on the truck for those of us taking part. Good times.

‘Playing Mas (Masquerade)’ at Carnival is a very long, but extremely fun way to enjoy the day, and the only way I’ll be attending the Carnival in the future. We go on the road from about 12pm, and dance the route until about 9pm. Fortunately for us it only rained while we were on our way to the meeting place, and it stayed dry and quite warm for the rest of the day. Yesterday I was praying for it to be sunny today, but I’m quite glad it wasn’t, because being that I’m one of the original Sweaty Bettys, I would have melted and become just a pile of feathers.

The only trouble that occurred came right at the end when there was a riot between the police and revellers, but I’ve heard that the police practically provoked it with their presence and unnecessary stop-and-search tactics. Luckily for SP and me we were on our way back to our coach to gather our belongings and head for our lift home.
My legs are aching and I’m scared about how they will be tomorrow for my interview. But I’ve had a very good day, and they don’t come along often enough, so let’s hope that tomorrow is another one….

I Need Me A Jobby-Job IV

2008-08-21T20:27:00.004+01:00

I have a job interview next week!!! I can't believe it. I only sent off my CV last night, and I received a phone call this morning while at work.

It’s for the position of Events Assistant at a famous magazine publisher. I’ve applied for loads of jobs there, and obviously since I’m still working where I am, you can see that I’ve never been successful with my applications.

The lady who called me was really nice, and she gave me a short telephone interview, asking me why I want to work in Events. I told her that I think it is an industry where there is a high level of job satisfaction, and you can look back and see the success (or not!) of the hard work you put in. When she said, “I fully agree with everything you’ve just said,” I wanted to scream!

My appointment is for next Tuesday at 11.30am, which is perfect because I have already booked Tuesday off work. Pray hard for me! Now I’m off to do as much company research as I can!

Post-Holiday Blues

2008-08-11T20:54:00.005+01:00

Today… is my first day back at work… after my holiday in Barbados. And those words… were not easy for me to write… without my lip quivering.

I loved it there. I belong there. It was beautiful. The people were so polite, the weather was lovely (apart from the few times it rained, but it is rainy season, so we were lucky it only rained the few times it did) and they know how to party HARD! We did the party-through-till-daylight-then-no-sleep-that-day thing, and it was difficult. I’m clearly not as young as I think I am/used to be. As a result of serious fatigue, I damaged my camera by leaving it in a pool of apple juice in my handbag (don’t ask), and therefore my photos for the last few days are very sporadic, to say the least. I have blank spaces where Carnival and Boat Party activity should be. But I won’t fret, because the others got some good photos, so I’ll just right click on them when they put them on good ole Facebook.

We stayed in a lovely apartment in Dover, Christchurch, which is basically the area close to most things, but also the more expensive area, because it is where the tourists go. Of course with the British Pound being as strong as it is, we didn’t feel the expense too much. That sounds so boastful doesn’t it? But it’s true. We also had a supermarket next door, which was the most convenient thing ever, the beach right across the road, various restaurants along the road, and taxis practically at our beck-and-call. The taxi drivers really know their country. They literally double as tour guides, and it’s so impressive. It was the life I tell you.

Being in the Caribbean you know that rum was at our fingertips. And we feasted on it! As soon as we’d finish breakfast, we could have a tipple before going out for the day, and because we weren’t going to work, we didn’t need to feel guilty about it! “I feel tipsy – so what?!” I brought quite a few bottles home with me… for the family of course… and… you know… social gatherings I may have… and the like… Leave me alone, I'm not an alkie!

The only thing we thought would be slightly tricky was finding out what events were happening where and when, but fortunately for us Salop’s friend Dom took very good care of us. He was literally a Bajan “It Boy”. Everywhere we went it seemed he knew everyone! He practically had our social agenda mapped out for us, and even if he wasn’t going out on a particular night, we had people there who had also come from London and knew what was going on, because they are what can only be described as veteran Barbados holidaymakers. Some of the things we did were: Carnival (of course); a tour of the island (with a taxi driver as our tour guide, naturally) where we visited a historical cave; a Boat Party on the Harbour Master Boat – and I went snorkelling during that party! I can’t believe I did it, but I had to just to say I have. I was SO scared, because I can’t swim, but luckily there was a really nice lady who held my had for most of the time, and when she let go, I was given a float by another guy. I’m not ashamed to say it – I’M 30 YEARS OLD AND I NEEDED A FLOAT.

I definitely, without-a-doubt, want to go back there again. It was a good group of people I went with, no drama, no arguements, exactly how it should be. Hopefully they'll want to return too. Now I'm going to wallow in the withdrawal I'm experiencing, so please give me some time...

Caribbean Girl

2008-07-25T21:45:00.001+01:00

Dear Anyone,

I’m beside myself with excitement! Today is my last day at work for two weeks, because on Tuesday I’m off to Barbados! I CAN’T WAIT!! I’m going with SP and her boyfriend Salop (formerly known as Birthday Boy), my friend Minx and my cousin Mute. It’s partly for SP’s 30th birthday (which will be after we get back) but mostly for the Barbados Carnival. I’m sooooo excited. It has come around quickly though – we’ve been talking about it since the beginning of the year, and we already only have four days to go!

We will be staying in an apartment (don’t you know) and apparently it is located right in the middle of everything, so we will be walking distance to everywhere we go. I’m giddy just sitting here writing to you! So far, the events we have lined up are the Carnival and a Boat Party. I can not wait. Everyone I have spoken to who have been to Barbados say that we’re going to have so much fun. I don’t want to get ahead of myself, but I can’t stop thinking about it.

If you know me you’ll know that I haven’t packed yet. Being the broke person I am, I still need the clothes I’ll be packing, or else I’ll be walking around in my birthday suit, and well… I wouldn’t want to get arrested or make the rest of you jealous now, would I? I still have a few things to buy, like swimwear. I still have the same swimwear I bought for our holiday in Miami four years ago, and I’ll be damned if you see me sporting all of the same costumes I did back then. Take note of what I said: I said ‘all of the same costumes,’ meaning a couple of them will be repeats, but at least two won’t be.

So that’s what I will be doing tomorrow – shopping (as broke as I am). I can’t spend much though, because I don’t get paid until the day we leave, which also affects when I can change my currency. But I will absolutely keep you posted on our antics during the holiday. See ya!

I Need Me Another Jobby-Job III

2008-07-15T21:38:00.009+01:00

Dear Anyone,

Recruitment agencies are a stupid, useless waste of money! How is it that I emailed my CV to an agency, and within 15 minutes I receive a reply saying that they can't help me, but "thank you for your interest in this post." I didn't apply for a post! So obviously my CV wasn't even looked over. If you say you provide work in Media & Events, and I say I'm looking for work in Media or Events, where is the problem? Which part of that do they not understand?

To be honest with you I really do not want to apply for work through an agency, because I think they are a con. They advertise false jobs just for the sake of getting people on their books. I think I've said this to you before, and so if I'm repeating myself that just goes to show how much I believe that.

I have sent my CV to three agencies and had literally the same response. Is that the in-thing now? Reject it straight-away using the standard template email. If it is, then I think I’m looking for work in the wrong industry, because clearly Recruitment Consultants have it easy.

At my current workplace there are a lot of changes and cut-backs taking place, which will ultimately result in me being unhappier, so I NEED to get out. I have given myself a deadline of September, partly because that is when the changes take effect, and mostly because I only have four days annual holiday left, so I won’t have enough time to travel at Christmas like I want to. Or shall I say – have to.

Another problem I have is coming up with ideas. I’m not much of an ideas person. I’m more the type that can expand on an idea once it has initially been thought up. A couple of the journalism vacancies I have come across are perfect, but they require ideas for headlines and articles, and I’m having a bit of a problem thinking up relevant stories. I think I’ll ask RG – she’s very, very good with ideas. She was born to be in the media, as much as she gets irritated with it sometimes.

So I’m going to go home and seriously think up possible stories for the two vacancies I’ve come across. I’ll keep you posted…

I Need Me Another Jobby-Job II

2008-07-08T21:16:00.006+01:00

Dear Anyone,

Today I applied for a job that I have applied for three times before. I’m wondering whether it’s best I just take a hint, or if it’s better to practise the theory of ‘if at first you don’t succeed, try and try again?’
It is a Media Relations Assistant position with Comic Relief, and the crazy thing is that it’s in my area - geographically. It would take me literally ten minutes to get to work! I could walk there… if I was feeling fit and didn’t mind turning up looking like Sweaty Betty.

The job spec is everything I have already done in my 'career' so far, and I know I can do it well enough to impress them. I really want this job!! They say on their website that "due to limited resources" if you don't hear from them within the next three weeks, you haven't been successful. Twenty days to go...

Another One Bites The Dust

2008-06-30T21:51:00.013+01:00

Dear Anyone,

You know what? I think I should pack my things, leave home, and move into Square One, because I find myself coming back here frequently. I obviously like it here. No matter what happens to me, somehow I always end up popping in to see what's going on in Square One.

Once again I’m talking about men. Muscle in particular. I spoke to him last night, and got the gist on what is going on with us. Basically nothing. I have finally asked him what I’ve wanted to know for a while, and well, it’s kind of what I was expecting to hear, even though a part of me (actually a lot of me) was hoping he’d prove me wrong. He told me that due to recent circumstances that have allowed him to re-evaluate his life; a relationship isn’t what he’s looking for right now. He wants to have fun, travel and discover who he really is. I think the reason I already knew what the answer would be, is because when we spoke via emails last week and I asked him when he would see my new hairstyle in person, he said that he doesn’t know, because he doesn’t know when he will be in my area next. That cemented it for me really, because ordinarily if you wanted to see someone, you wouldn’t need a reason to go, you’d just go. He told me that I’m a lovely, lovely, sexy woman and I shouldn’t change that, but he doesn’t want to end up hurting me, and he wanted to make sure that we’re still cool. Of course we are. I’m not even angry with him, because he was so polite and articulate with it, and I definitely don’t think he’s making excuses – I believe him. I’m just wondering whether he would have told me if I hadn’t asked... and how long he's known that he wasn't interested anymore...

I was fine with it last night, to be honest. I wasn’t shell-shocked or anything. We were on the phone for just over an hour and a half, and it was cool. But it’s been on my mind all day today, and I’ve been feeling quite crap really. It’s natural with me though, that’s what I do. I'm not angry, I'm a little bit upset, but mainly disappointed, because as you know, I thought I'd met someone very promising. And I think my negative energy today has spread, because I’ve developed a hole in my trousers that has grown during the course of the day, and I’ve lost my work pass. I’ve been feeling really pissy all day.

I can’t help but wonder: if I’m so lovely, why do I keep attracting the same situations? It’s always the “it’s not you, it’s me type” things, and I’m a little tired of it. It makes me think that maybe I shouldn’t go for what I want. Maybe I should go for the opposite. Maybe that’s what God wants for me. First it was Boy Wonder, then Muscle. Boy Wonder told me a similar thing a couple of weeks ago when I asked why he hadn’t used my number; he wants to focus on his studies, and he’s not in the right place. I haven't even really thought about it for ages. I kept my promise - he didn't call, so I no longer harped on it. SP reckons that all this means is that 'He' (the guy I'm seeking) is coming really soon, because I've met some who seem to fit the bill, but for whatever reason it hasn't worked out. I don't know man. I kinda disagree. It rather feels like someone is dangling carrots, and having fun watching me jump up and down like an Ass trying to catch them. Sometimes I think that guys build up this image of relationships as though they are the worst, most time-consuming things they could ever imagine entering into. All I say is good luck to them.

So here I am. Back in this square called ‘One’. But it’s ok; I bear no ill-feelings toward Muscle at all. I really like him, he's a lovely guy, and I truly hope he finds what he’s looking for that will make him happy, but it obviously ain't me.

Where was Waldo?

2008-06-18T21:30:00.002+01:00

Dear Anyone,

I spoke to Muscle last night for the first time in about a week and a half. He’d disappeared!! Well not literally… But I hadn’t heard from him the whole time, and at first I thought it was because he was as busy as ever, so I didn’t think too much of it. But when it went past a week, I kind of started to think… things. You know me. I thought maybe he wasn’t interested anymore, or I had offended him somehow, you know – the usual! I tried calling him two days ago, and there was a message saying that calls can not be connected, so my last resort was to send him a message via good ole Facebook. And he replied pretty much straight away, which was a relief. He said that he’s been going through some personal things – the kind of things that make you re-evaluate your life and what you want out of it, but he said he knows he should have told me before. He also said that he has been thinking of me, which is nice, but then I shouldn’t really get too happy, because it depends on what he was thinking, which might not be nice, considering he’s thinking about what he does and doesn’t want in life.

We spoke on the phone later in the evening (he gave me an alternative number to call), and it was nice to hear his voice. I know he was tired as hell though, even though he kept denying it. I don’t know when I’ll speak to him again, or even see him. I haven’t seen him since he spent the night at my house, and that was nearly a month ago! I don’t know. I’ll just have to hang back and see what happens. I know (and you know) what I’d like, but he says he doesn’t, so there’s nothing I can do for now really, is there?

Hair Yesterday, Gone Today

2008-06-06T21:00:00.002+01:00

Dear Anyone,

I have made an attempt at revamping my ‘image’ and I went for the snip yesterday. Nope - not a vasectomy, I had my hair cut short. I quite like it too! It wasn’t exactly what was in the photo I took to the salon with me, but it’s still cool. My cousin Wonder came too and got hers done, but she was about 90% pleased with it. Strangely enough, my hair ended up looking exactly the way she wanted hers, and hers looked the way my second choice was. I hope it won’t take too much maintenance, because that’s exactly what I’m trying to avoid.

So let’s think of it as me cutting my previous problems away with my hair. Hopefully a new look means new opportunities – especially job-wise!

And If The Shoe Doesn't Fit...

2008-05-31T21:43:00.002+01:00

Dear Anyone,

This is probably going to sound a bit strange, especially to those who read this and know me, but sometimes I feel as though I don’t fit in with my friends. I don’t really know why, and it’s weird. There are six of us in my immediate group of friends. Three of them are in long-term, stable relationships, and the other two aren’t, but they are deeply into fashion. Actually I’d say that the other three are also quite into fashion. I don’t fall into either of those categories. If you’ve been reading this blog then I think it’s evident that I have no man, and when it comes to fashion - designer brands bore me, probably because I can’t afford them, and they don’t really cater for me.

I think I realised it this evening when we had a girls night outing to watch the ‘Sex & the City’ movie. I thought it was good, but slightly depressing, and not as ‘wow’ as the rest of the girls found it. I felt like it catered to everyone else I was with, because they can probably relate to it better than me, since they have men who blatantly love them, and have all experienced love. I can’t say the same for myself. And for the ones who aren’t currently in love, they ‘love love’ so are constantly coo-ing over couples and romance. I find it hard, because I wish it was me. But I digress.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my friends to bits! I’m so glad they’re my friends, but sometimes I feel like such a ‘nobody’ when I’m with them. I can’t find a way to explain it. Like I’m so underdeveloped and immature, and yet I’m the oldest of the group!

So basically it’s not a problem with them, it’s a problem with me. I’m not looking for advice from you or anything, because I know it’s up to me to find out what will make me happy. Maybe I should ask Muscle what makes him so chipper all day long. Honestly – he’s like a walking Disney rep!

Move On Up

2008-05-23T21:32:00.003+01:00

Dear Anyone,

I would just like to say that things are progressing nicely with Muscle. He stayed over last night, after meeting me from work and going to get something to eat ( I was starving). It was me who invited him to come home with me, but it didn't take a lot of persuasion!

I don't know what he's looking for from me yet though, because I haven't asked. I've established that he hasn't got a girlfriend (and I swear that's a first for me, because I only really meet losers who do) and he's established that I don't have a boyfriend, but I didn't ask what it is between us, because for now I'm just going to enjoy it. I know what deadline I've given myself to clarify whether I'm wasting my time or not, so it's all in hand. But I have to say that I do like him, and he is someone I could see myself with for many reasons, including the fact that I think I could learn a lot from him, and even experience things I never would have though of before. So all I ask for from you is your best wishes.

Smells Like No Team Spirit

2008-05-23T21:21:00.002+01:00

Dear Anyone,

There was a bit of drama at work today. Well that might be a slight exaggeration, but our team leader called an emergency, off-the-record meeting, because she was made aware of a box of paperwork that had been hidden by someone and found by another, and no one will own up to it, so now she's kind of lost faith in us as a group. I can tell you in no uncertain terms that it definitely was not me. I try to get involved in boring paper filing as little as possible. Because of that, she doesn't want us to go ahead with the proposed team night out to the O2 Centre next week, because she's just not feeling it. It's a pity really, but at the same time I don't mind, because it saves money, and I guess it leaves my Friday night free... even though I'll now finish late anyway, but what's new eh?

Just in case you're wondering, I'm still bang on the job hunting, but I think I'll be experiencing a minor setback, as our internet at home has gone off... Grrr...

Pain In The Arse

2008-05-19T21:36:00.002+01:00

Dear Anyone,

Today I returned to work after a week off sick. I'm not embarassed to say it, I had a abscess on my bum bum, and it has to be the most painful thing I think I've ever experienced. The pain started gradually about 3 weeks ago, but I thought it was just the recurring ache I get in my coccyx, as a result of a rollerskating accident I had as a child. When I went to my GP he was only too happy to tell me that I've diagnosed myself correctly. Lazy bastards. But it got worse and worse, so last week Saturday I had to go to A&E, because I could barely walk, and I couldn't sit. The doctor there told me it was the beginnings of an abscess, so she prescribed some antibiotics (the answer to everything it seems). I spent the whole weekend lying on my stomach, because I couldn't sit or walk. It was awful. And to add insult to injury, the weather was beautiful and I missed it all! And to add a slap to the insult added to the injury, my monthly visitor decided to come a wreak more havoc. You know when you want to just wail like a baby,because you think it'll make everything better? That's how I felt. But don't worry, I didn't.

One good thing happened though - Muscle came to visit me. It was so sweet of him, and I felt a bit bad because I didn't go and see him when he had the flu the week before. Luckily he came the day after the nasty abscess had burst, so I was slightly more mobile. He'd had a day crammed full of things to do, but he still made time for me, and I thank him for it. Twas nice.

I feel a lot better now, but I'm still a teeny bit fragile in that area, so if you see me don't pat me on the arse, as much as I know you'd want to...

'L' is for Loser

2008-05-03T21:23:00.002+01:00

Dear Anyone,

Last night I found out what is more than likely the 'situation' that Bumper has been meaning to tell me about for the past two months. I'm not going to reveal my sources, but silly boys who think themselves 'players' need to realise that London is a very VERY small place. The long and short of it is that the mother of his daughter is due to give birth to their second child any time soon, after which they'll be getting married. I'm not going to go on about this because, to be extremely honest, I'm past caring. But can I just point out that I did ask him whether he was getting married, and he said no. And can I also say that I hate greedy, selfish guys who unnecessarily choose to keep information from you, thus ultimately making the decision about what happens between you. In this case he could have told me this a long, long time ago, and it wouldn't have meant anything to me. But instead he chose to withhold that bit of news and carry on as though he was a single man. It didn't have to go as far as us going out, but I thank the good Lord that that's as far as it went. Good luck to him, because he's going to need it.

First Base...

2008-04-28T21:10:00.002+01:00

Dear Anyone,

Kissed at last! Kissed at last! Thank God Almighty - we've kissed at last!!! And it was gooooooood.

Muscle came to my house this morning, and I'm still a bit giddy from the visit, so you'll have to excuse me. We've been texting regularly(ish), and on Thursday I asked him if he'd like to meet up on Sunday if he had no plans, but unfortunately he did, so I didn't see him. He called me last night, while on his way to stay over at his friend's house, and he said that we should definitely meet up this week, since tonight (Sunday) didn't work out, so I was cool with that.

Then this morning he text me, and strangely enough I was awake early, because it was so bright outside (and I have no curtains in my room.... yet), and he basically said that if it's okay with me, he'll pass through and visit me on his way home from his friend's place. If it's okay with me indeed.... of course it's okay!!! He got to mine at about 10.30ish, and a couple of minutes later my mum also arrived home from work, so I called her into my room and introduced them. It was nice that he didn't mind. It shows a level of maturity that I haven't seen on a guy in a long time. Most of them think you're trying to get them to marry you, just because you've brought them into your world. It's also no longer about me trying to sneak guys into the house anymore. I'm far too old for that juvenile crap now. As long as I'm upfront, the nosy, noisy family will leave me be.

So anyway, I'm sure he was feeling a bit frisky... or maybe that was just me (heh heh) but we stayed in my room for the duration of his visit... getting to know each other a bit better (nudge nudge, wink wink). He's lovely. And he smelled nice. And that body.... Gaaaaadayum! Mmmm. Mmm. Mmm. Sorry.

I don't know what he's looking for from me, but I'm also not about to ask that yet. Of course I'd love it if he was looking for something meaningful like I am, but I have a feeling that he is very busy with trying to establish himself career-wise. Not that something like that should be a reason not to get involved with someone, because unless you're with a needy, unreasonable person, if you really want it to work, you can make that happen.

Anyway I'm going to carry on working now, and by 'work' I mean daydream and reminisce at the office....

Faboo dahling!

2008-04-15T21:42:00.002+01:00

Dear Anyone,

Yesterday I returned from a fabulous weekend in the South of France. Ooh get me! Ten of us went to Cannes for a friend's 30th birthday, and it was maaarvelous dahling. We took a trip to Monaco on the Saturday, and had planned to go to St Tropez on Sunday, but we were told that it wouldn't be worth it, because most shops would be closed. The weather was great on all days (even though prior research showed that we were to expect good weather on only one day), the people were friendly (unlike those in Barcelona), and most importantly there was no drama or major disagreements between any of the girls.

Initially SP and I thought that there might be, because one of the girls who travelled with us is an ex-friend of ours. We fell out with her about three years ago, when we'd heard of some stupid, childish things she had been saying to other people. She's someone who is hard work. A 'high maintenance' diva, whose issues growing up have made her into a woman with the typical 'only child' syndrome. I was looking forward to the trip partly because I was going on holiday, and partly because I was intrigued with what it would be like between us. And I have to say... it was exactly how I thought it would be. We were all civil to each other. There wasn't any full on conversation between myself and her or SP and her, but if someone made a joke, we'd laugh, if one asked a question that the other knew the answer to, it would be answered - that sort of thing. It would be unrealistic to expect us to be friends again, but we are all adults... some in our 30s now... and if we went expecting there to be arguements and screaming matches, then we really wouldn't have matured at all in all this time.

That aside, I had a very good long weekend, and once again I'm depressed to be back at work... but that's a whole other complaint. We'll keep this post happy and cheery.

Patience Is A Virtue (Or So I've Been Told)

2008-04-04T11:50:00.002+01:00

Dear Anyone,

So... I haven't really spoken to Muscle this week, and I'd really like to meet up this weekend, so what do I do?? The last time I saw him (alone) was last Wednesday. I'd called him just to say hello and there was no answer, but then he called me back about an hour later and said that he wasn't far from where I work, so he could come and meet me. Who would say no to such an offer, eh? Not me. We met at the train station, grabbed a snack, and then he escorted me most of my way home. Twas very sweet of him. And he smelt beautiful! He asked me when he's going to see where I live, and I told him "soon." If he only knew how unfit my room is for visitors!! But it is definitely a kick-up-the-bum incentive for me to sort it out and redecorate.

Now I'm kinda feeling a bit...peckish. I'd like to see him again. I'm tempted to call him, but I called last time, and you're supposed to let the guy do the chasing, right? What do you think I should do?

Life Is Far Too Short

2008-03-28T12:06:00.003Z

Dear Anyone,

One of my brother's friend's passed away from leukaemia yesterday. He was only 29. I can't believe it. I didn't even know him, I've only met him twice, but he seemed like a really nice guy. The first time I'd met him it was at a club and he recognised me (I don't know how!), so he came over and introduced himself as my brother's friend, and said that if I want a drink or anything I should just let him know and he'll look after me, because my brother is a very good friend of his. My friends and I thought it was so funny, because it's as if my brother is some kind of celebrity! That's not the first time that something like that has happened to me concerning him.

It's so sad. My brother was only with him a couple of days ago, because they went to sort out the guy's passport. He wanted to travel in the little time he had left, but then he developed a cold sore which then spread all over his face. I feel really sorry for my brother, because as far as I know he is the fourth friend that my brother has lost. The other three all died in the same year; one died in a car crash they were all in, one was stabbed to death by his brother, and the other (who was my brother's best friend) died in a motorbike accident. That one was the worst because it was such a shock. My brother and I haven't really been close for many years, but at that time I just wanted to hug him.

It's things like this that make me want to just do what I can to make myself happy, because you just never know...

You Wait Ages For One Bus...

2008-03-26T21:31:00.002Z

.......... and about three come along at once! I had another date with Muscle on Saturday, and this time we went to the cinema. I spent the weekend at my cousin Wonder's house, so we went to an area in North London that's much closer to him. It was another nice evening, even though the film was quite shite. There was a lot more 'physical bonding' between us - meaning he put his arm around me as soon as we sat on the bus, and throughout the film, and he was stroking me (and trying to be a lil naughty) and even while we waited for my bus back, we stood in an embrace. (Sigh). Twas nice. I do like him. BUT WE STILL HAVEN'T BLOODY KISSED YET. Sorry... I just had to let that out. I'm ok now. I was sure it would happen that night. I mean, come on, the cinema is a prime location for a kiss, isn't it??? Or has it been so long for me that I'm missing something? I refuse to say anything or be the one to make the first move (God forbid!!!). So I'm just going to have to be my usual strong self, and just....run home and snog my pillow instead!

On Sunday I went to a family event that Undeserving invited me to, which was the reason I was staying at Wonder's place - I dragged her with me. I was actually quite flattered that he invited me to be honest, because I wouldn't have expected it. It was quite good - good music and (some) food and (lots of) drink. I saw a couple of familiar faces, and he'd also invited a couple of the girls I have my suspicions about, but I didn't really care, because I think I'm on to something better. But true to form, at the end of the night when I went to say 'bye' to him, he whispered: "You gonna come home with me?" All I could do was laugh really, and I asked him if he'd forgotten that I didn't come alone, and he said "So? You could bring your cousin for my brother." Then he started laughing, because he knows he'd never seriously say that to me. I told him that we weren't sure how we were getting home, and he basically organised a lift for us with one of his friends, which was actually nice of him. That's why he's so confusing - he doesn't mean any harm, but he just does some really stupid things sometimes, and you can't understand why.

When we got home, I called him to say 'thank you' and he kept on saying that he's coming over to see me, as soon as he drops some things off at his mum's house. I knew he wouldn't, so I just humoured him and said 'ok.' Wonder was getting excited, because for some strange reason she likes all that she's heard about him. Whenever I called her to rant about him, she practically always took his side. Nutter. Anyway, he didn't end up coming over, even though he called about three more times to say that he's coming soon. In the end his reason was that he wasn't driving because he'd been drinking, and when he got home he had visitors (or something). Then on Monday afternoon he called me asking if I'd like some of the cake from the party. Who am I to say no to cake? But I didn't get to have my cake or eat it, because once again he never made it, giving the same excuses as usual. Yawn. He asked me if I'm going to come and see him during the week (it's his birthday today actually) and I said I can't, but I didn't really give a reason why. I don't know why he forces it. I didn't ask to see him. I haven't seen him since the beginning of February, so really it's fine. I'm cool, but thanks for the offer.

Then we have a guy called Romeo, who I met and had a brief 'involvement' with two years ago. He is basically a complete male-slag. He doesn't know that I know so much about him and his many women and many children. He's one of those who I'm sure doesn't actually know how many kids he has. We stopped seeing each other after about 3 months, and during my chat with him on Instant Messenger yesterday he admitted it was because he had started sleeping with one of his exes again, and that he was enjoying being with me a little too much. When men say that foolishness I can't understand it. If something is so good, why would you not want it to continue??? I can only assume he meant that he knows I deserve better, because all he would end up doing is hurting me. But I believe God is looking out for me, because he is not someone I could contemplate having a 'proper' relationship with. I'd be embarassed in front of the mutual friends we have who know what he's like.

So yesterday we had one of those honest conversations, where I was just questioning him about when he's going to sort his love life out and start being serious. For the past few weeks he's been asking me to come and see him, or suggesting that he could come to mine, but unfortunately for him I'm just not interested anymore. Yesterday he said it again, but put it in a way as to say 'one for the road,' because he'll be behaving himself as of next Tuesday. Guys make me laugh. They obviously think that once you've liked them, you'll like them forever. God forbid you should have moved on! So just to keep him happy I told him that I'd let him know on Thursday if I'll come round or not. Ha - he can wonder if Thursday will ever come....

I'm On A Roll..

2008-03-08T22:37:00.002Z

Dear Anyone,

A second date - with the same person!!! That's right - I can't believe it either! Muscle text me on Thursday while I was at work, and asked me if I was free on Friday night to go and drink a couple of Mojito's. Now who am I to say 'no' to drink eh?! And that's exactly what I told him.

We met up after 10pm (because that's when I finish working at that damn place) and we went to a Latino bar in Waterloo, which was nice and quite busy. Once again it was a very nice evening, and quite a late one too. I didn't get home till about 2.30am. We spent the whole evening chatting about all sorts of things, and basically elaborating on what we spoke about last week. He's probably exactly the type of guy I'm looking for - my age group, good looking, intelligent, creative, funny, easy-going, enjoys travelling, has a bangin' body, and most importantly NO KIDS!! That is almost a rarity in this day and age.

I think I got a little tipsy, considering we bought four rounds of drinks (FYI - I don't think I'm a huge fan of Mojitos, a bit too lime-y), but don't worry I didn't stumble or do anything embarassing.

Getting home was a bit nonsensical though. I live in South London and Waterloo is in South London, yet why couldn't I find a night bus to take me to my area, which is only about 15 mins away??? I'm going to have to speak to whoever the Mayor of London is going to be.... I ended up having to take a bus with Muscle to Trafalgar Square, then taking a bus back home. I should have just found a cab station, but Waterloo probably doesn't have any of those either!! I think Muscle was feeling a bit frisky while we waited for the first bus though, because he had me sit on his lap (instead of the bench) at the bus stop, and he had his arms around me. Twas niiiiiice, I won't lie.

There was no goodbye kiss this time either, just a big hug and a kiss on my cheek. I think I could really like this guy, and maybe if there's a third date we can try another 'goodbye' method...

Must Be My Birfday!!

2008-02-29T22:33:00.001Z

Dear Anyone,

Guess what! I've only just gone and had a date tonight! "A second date?" - I hear you cry. Yep, but not with the same guy, I reply. Tonight's date was with a guy we'll call Muscle (and if you see him you'll know why). I've been chatting to him so far on a platonic basis, via the good ole social networking sites (yes I'm also sensing a theme here) and I see him every now and again at some club nights. Only this week the conversations have taken a slightly flirtatious route, which is all good with me, because he's a sexy guy - 6'0", extremely athletically built with 20-pack abs and a bald head - my kinda thing! He asked for my number two days ago, text me yesterday and asked me out today while I was at work. It was obviously meant to be, because I was due to go bowling with my colleagues, but that got postponed almost immediately after I replied and told him I wasn't free tonight.

He wasn't driving, so we met up at my nearest tube station, but we went to Brixton to find somewhere to eat, since we were both starving. Ever-trusty Nandos was the most suitable place we could find - all the other places were full and had long waiting times. It was really nice though, we chatted and chatted and ate and laughed and chatted and reminisced about our childhoods and ate and laughed and chatted... you get the drift. He's a really nice guy, very easy to be around and very easy going. The only thing I was a bit unsure about was that we went dutch on the bill, and I thought that maybe it would have been his treat since HE asked ME out. I don't want to seem ungrateful or stuck-up, because I'm not like that at all. I should be happy that I even had a date on a Friday night! It's just that I thought that maybe he would take care of it, but it's cool. I never go out without money on me anyway, so it was no big deal. That was the only thing. Aside from that, he's lovely and he travelled back to my tube station with me, before making his way home, and he lives very far from me. There was no kissing when we were parting, but a nice hug and just as I was getting on my bus, he snuck a pinch of my arse! Naughty boooy....

Could It Be Magic Now...

2008-02-24T21:26:00.001Z

Dear Anyone,

I had a date last night!!!!! And it was really nice thank you... well it was about 95% really nice, and slightly disappointing at the end. It was with the guy I told you about earlier - the one I liked 10 years ago. We'll call him 'Bumper' (and if he reads this - which I hope he doesn't - he'll know why).

We've been speaking quite regularly, via text and phone conversations, and when asked me to pencil him in for Saturday, I didn't think it would actually happen, so I really did write it in pencil in my Filofax. He has a tendency to let me down, and it's something I constantly make fun of him about... Hmm... maybe I should actually take note of that...

Anyway, we met up at about 10.30pm (my fault - I was the one running late) and we went to a pool place that he goes to quite often. He was really quite chivalrous to be honest - me first through the door, he paid for my entry, paid for the table and paid for the drinks. It was a really nice evening, never awkward at any time. We joked around a lot, flirted a bit (but never in an extremely obvious way), I let him win *cough* three games, and we chatted. We left the pool place at about 2.30am, and didn't actually know what to do next, so we ended up walking up the high street till we could think of something to do. I won't lie... I was waiting for him to suggest going back to his, because it was the most obvious decision for that time of night in an area where everything is shut, and going back to my place (which seriously lacks privacy) wasn't an option for me. But he never said. As much as I tried to prompt him into saying it, he didn't. We ended up stopping to sit at a bus stop - well actually I sat, and he stood in front of me with his legs either side of mine (very suggestive but nice!) - and we were still umming and ahhing about what to do next, so I said: "We have two choices... we either get a drink and go back to yours, or we both get in our cabs and go home." Then he said, "My daughter would kick your arse if you came back to mine," and he laughed. Obviously the alarm bells started ringing in the distance, and I said: "Oh, she's at your house.." and he said "Yep." So naturally the next question was "With who... her mum?" And he said: "With her mum and my mum..." I thought "OKAY!" Then he started looking really troubled and slightly agitated, and said that if I knew about his situation then I'd understand why he is the way he is sometimes. So I told him to tell me what it is, and he said that now wasn't the right time, but he will tell me soon because he has to and he wants to. I asked him: "Are you getting married or something?" and he said "No nothing like that, although I've been getting hassled about that for the past 6 years." Okaaaay. Right. So... what the feck is it then?! I asked him if it's something that will upset me, and he said it shouldn't, but when he told one of his friends, she said it was sad, and the last girl he told accused him of being a liar. Then, because I went a bit quiet, he asked me what I was thinking, so I said to him: "I'm thinking... I really want to know what it is you have to say, and obviously you're not comfortable telling me now, but at the same time I've had a really nice evening and I don't want to spoil it by going home upset. But I also don't want it to a case of I'm sitting here, enjoying the company of someone else's man, because I've been through that crap before and I've had enough of it." He just nodded his head and said "I hear you, I hear you."

After that I decided that we should just call it a night and take our cabs home, but he decided he was going to walk around for a bit to clear his head. I didn't realise it was THAT deep. He told me to call him when I got home, which I did, and we spoke for almost an hour.

I just really want to know what the 'thing' is, but I'm also starting to think that the Universe doesn't want anything to occur between us.